Chapter 6
Then
Opening up wasn’t exactly Bucky’s strong suit. He was a soldier, and even before that, he’d always been a strong silent type.
But the unspoken secrets, the things that kept him up at night…it was like a disease running through his veins and turning every part of him black. If he didn’t tell someone, he felt like his whole body would rot from the inside out, and his soul along with it.
He knew looked into Steve’s eyes and something told him that Steve knew most of it already.
He started off in almost a monotone. Like a mission report.
“When I was first taken by HYDRA…I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know where you were, and I didn’t know if you were alive or dead. I was kept in this tiny room, injected with all sorts of drugs. They threw it all at me. Pretty much any kind of torture you can imagine. And for weeks, months, years…hell, I don’t know how long…I spit in their faces and told them to go to hell. I was an American and a patriot and I’d die before I let those bastards break me.”
Steve smiled slightly, letting out a brief chuckle. “Sounds about right.”
Bucky felt sick with shame. It hurt him to think about how Steve felt about him. How Steve still thought he was brave.
Bucky swallowed a lump rising in his throat. “I always thought I’d be brave, you know? I always thought I would be able to resist any torture anyone could throw at me. But after a while…you start to go crazy. And I did things I wasn’t proud of. Of course, you know that.”
Steve’s smile had dropped and he once again looked solemn.
“The first time I really broke was when they told me they were going to kill you. They’d been using all kinds of enhanced interrogation on me. They wouldn’t let me sleep. Wouldn’t let me sit or lay down. Beat me half dead.”
Bucky’s stoic steady narration had already begun to weaken. His voice trembled and his hand shook. “And this guy, he’d tell me they had you in the next cell. That if I didn’t comply, they would hurt you. But then…they said I could stop it. And all I had to do was give up fighting.”
Bucky was full on crying now. “I said no. I said no so many times. But they wore me down. They broke me. And finally…I guess I just couldn’t be strong anymore.”
He took a belt of whiskey.
“They made me…do stuff to them. Horrible, disgusting things. And they did stuff to me. I was already so hurt, so done. Sometimes I fought them. But sometimes I just lay there and let it happen. The worst part was…” he paused, sniffling. “…when they told me that they’d hurt you, showed me pictures of you all tied up. Fake, I guess. But at that point I barely even knew if I was real, you know? They just kept telling me to comply. And god help me, I learned to comply. I was weak. I did whatever they wanted. And I lost part of myself. Part of me I’ll never get back. I don’t think I’ll ever be strong again.
“By the time they wiped my mind, I was ready for it. I wanted them to erase everything because I could barely stand to exist in my own skin. Eventually I figured out that they didn’t have you, that it was all a game. I figured you were already dead.
“I don’t know how many times they did this to me. It’s hard for me to remember. But every time my brain was wiped clean and my memories erased, there was a part of me still in there that would come back. It was the part of me who remembered you. And they couldn’t stamp it out entirely. It’s the only thing that kept me alive, I think.”
Bucky stopped talking and looked up at Steve. “And honestly, Steve, without those pieces of you, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Because the only part of me that is good, the only part of me that is pure and decent, is the part of me that loves you.”