Loki exhaled deeply, letting the water pelt his skin. He closed his eyes, tilting his head up into the stream of water.
He scrubbed his face with his rough callused hands.
Something didn’t feel right. He wasn’t sure what it was, but there was that pit in his stomach that hadn’t let up all day. He felt sick and uneasy. Nebula had been telling him he was coming down with something, but like always, he argued with her. I’m fine, he remembers saying. He groans, sliding a hand down his face, she might be right.
He turned the knob, the water coming to a stop. He stepped over the side of the tub, his burning feet hitting the cold tile.
He ruffled his black tangled curls one last time with the towel, before tossing it to the side. He’ll pick it up when he’s done, Nebula will yell at him if he doesn’t. He slips on his pajama pants, still not being able to get over the bubbling nausea building up inside him. His chest felt fluttery- it was a weird feeling, but it was distinct. He paused, his hands no longer fiddling with the string of his pants, but pressing against his chest. His heart was pounding, it- hurt.
Loki winced as the pain became more noticeable. He had to grab the counter as he doubled forward an inch. He tried to take in deep even breaths, but his chest burned every time he tried to expand it. Maybe he should yell for Nebula-
No. He was fine.
No need to drag her into this, he’s just being...dramatic- yeah, he’s being a child.
Loki shook his head, straightening his hunched back. He forces himself to ignore the pain as he takes a deep breath. He swipes the thick folded sweater from the top of the sink. Pulling it on, he pushed his head through the hole, immediately gasping as he saw the site in the mirror.
He wasn’t aware he screamed until after he did it, as he was sitting on the ground.
He had fallen with a loud thud, hitting the side of the tub as he did. He crawled as far away from the mirror as he could. His knees were shaking as they were pulled close to his chest, his entire body trembled with chills.
His throat was tight, he couldn’t get a breath in or out. He felt like he was choking- it seemed like he was made aware of the enormous amount of discomfort all at once. His arm felt stiff, and there was a painful dull ache that was lodged in his bones. Or the sharp pain in his eye, that forced his head to pound.
He was gasping for air-
“Loki? Loki, what was that noise?” Loki jumped at the knocks on the door and the voice that followed. “Are you okay?”
“Y-yeah,” The crack in his voice was painfully obvious. He cursed himself under his breath quickly, before trying to recover, “I- I um- I slipped. I’m fine!” He tried to add a chuckle, but it just came out as a whimper. Loki whipped his hand up to cover his mouth, clenching his eyes shut as tears escaped.
“Are- are you sure?” Nebula asked through the door hesitantly, “You don’t sound good, Loki.” Loki shook his head, silent tears continuing to stain his cheeks an awful red. “I’m coming in-”
Loki’s eyes shot open as he heard the click of the door handle, he was on his feet faster than he thought was possible, “No!” He screamed harshly as he lunged for the door, pushing it back with too much force. It was loud when it slammed against the door frame. Loki could hear Nebula’s frightened gasp, and it only made his chest hurt more.
“Loki-”
“I’m sorry,” He breathed heavily as his forehead rested against the wood, his hand still clutching the handle. “I’m- I’m naked-” He cringed, that was dumb.
“Loki,” Her voice was flat, Loki’s mouth was a thin line, “We sleep together-”
“I-I know-”
“We showered together last night! What the hell is going on? Are you okay?” Loki’s nerves skyrocketed as he felt the handle shift again.
“Y-yeah I’m-” He pushed against the door with all of his weight, “I’m good, Neb I swear I just-” His mind was a pounding mess. His thoughts were so disoriented, nothing was forming firmly. He didn’t even realize he was heaving until the sound of Nebula pounding on the door finally made it to his ears, along with her worried voice.
“Loki! Loki, please answer me, let me in-”
“No!” He coughed, he pushed himself up from his knees, freezing. Eyes locking with his reflection.
He hadn’t even felt the glamour fall. That was concerning.
But it was making sense to him now, he had been running a little bit of a fever the last few days. But doing little about it. He was sick, and when he got sick, his sedir weakened. Causing this; his true form to make an appearance.
His ugly, disformed, true self.
Loki wanted to look away, especially as his eyes began to burn from the tears. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t move. All he could do was stare at the monster in front of him. His once beautiful body, destroyed and torn apart.
Loki glanced towards the door, as he heard Nebula’s muffled voice. She can’t see him like this. The panic in Loki was only growing. If he opened that door, he knew far too well what was going to happen.
She was going to take one look at his mutilated face, and run.
And she couldn’t- She couldn’t leave him, he didn’t know what he would do.
Loki tried to take a deep breath, he had to focus. He knew he couldn’t tell her, but...was lying to her any better? It wasn’t fair- not to her, not to anyone. She believes she sleeps and loves a God, a beautiful golden glowing God. But she doesn’t, does she? No, she thinks she loves something far worse. He’s nothing but broken parts, fused back together again. Every scar that maimed his once porcelain skin was just an agonizing reminder of his pathetic past. A reminder on how he failed, a reminder of how easily he had given into the pain.
He couldn’t have Nebula knowing how much a coward he truly was.
But it was her voice, her soft pleading voice that ate away at his mind. He was lying to her, the person he was supposed to love and care for. He had been lying to her, and he was just supposed to continue doing so?
“Nebula,” His voice shook, he wasn’t even completely aware if she could even hear him through the door. His voice was so quiet and hoarse. “I…” The words fell off his tongue.
“What is it, Loki?” She asked softly.
Norns, she was so patient.
“My- My glamour is down.” He said, having to push the words out of his mouth. There was a moment of silence that made him absolutely shake with fear.
“I’m sorry,” She said quickly, “But can you explain what that is again?” She sounded scared, and Loki thought he could almost smile. She didn’t even know what he was talking about, and she was trying so hard to understand. Loki had explained it all to her a couple of times, but to be fair, he was a fast talker and trailed on about useless things, so it probably didn’t make much sense to Nebula’s ears.
“It’s-” He coughed, his hand hesitant to touch the rough dry skin on his face. “It’s like a mask. It’s magic I use to...better my appearance.” He explained quietly, His eyes never leaving the form in the mirror. Better, yeah, that’s what he needed right now.
There was a moment, Loki could hear Nebula’s sigh from behind the door.
“Loki,” He hated the disappointed tone, “You told me you didn’t use those.”
Loki swallowed, his throat felt like it was closing again, “I lied.” He cleared his throat, he thought he might fall again. His knees were shaking uncontrollably.
“Why?” She begged desperately.
“I..” Did he have a good reason? Sorry, I just didn’t want you to see what an actual fucking monster I was-
“Loki, you don’t have to hide from me.”
Loki looked back to the door, forcing himself to take a wobbly step forward.
“I don’t want you to think that- That I will judge you for anything, because I won’t Loki. I want to love every inch of you, but you have to let me.”
Loki’s breath hitched when his hand finally grabbed the handle again, He chewed his lip as he forced himself to stop, “I can’t Nebula-”
“Yes, you can, Loki. It’s okay-”
“No- No, it’s not,” He shook his head, “I can’t lose you, Neb.”
“You won’t.”
“Yes, I will.” It was under his breath, but he was sure she heard it. “I will when you see- Once you-” He choked, the pounding in his head returning, along with the tears that never completely subsided. “Nebula, I’m a monster. I can’t- I can’t let you-”
Loki took a sudden step back as the door swung open, he immediately covered his face falling to his knees. Nebula rushed in, sliding to her knees in front of him. Her hands gripped his wrist, but he held them to his face with a rough force.
"Loki, please,"
Her hands moved to rest on his trembling shoulders.
"Loki," Her fingers slid through a loose curl, "Please look at me."
The breath that escaped his mouth was weak and shaking. He felt her fingers trace the top of his hand, the dips in the skin, and dry patches from the burns. Her thumb rubbed his, as her other nimble fingers wrapped around his wrist, slowly pulling it down. Loki let her, but he knew he would regret it.
His head stayed down, his eyes glued to the floor. He felt her fingertips on his chin, tilting his head. He held his breath, his chest felt like it was going to explode.
He watched her eyes widened, and she jumped to her feet taking a frightened step back. Loki’s breath got caught in his throat as he lurched forward, his hand reaching for her.
"No!"
He despised how desperate his voice sounded. How he was on his knees, his face on the floor, as his hand gripped her ankle not daring to let her go.
"Please," He choked, gasping into the tile, "please don't go, I'm sorry-" He repeated the words like a mantra.
"Loki." Even her voice was a bit shaken.
"I'm sorry," he cried harder, it was rough, and his throat burned. He sobbed so hard he coughed violently. "I promise- I swear you won't-" He gasped for air, "You won't ever have to see me like this- I swear Neb, but please-"
"Loki." It was stern, louder than she had been. Loki stilled completely, biting his lip until it drew blood, trying to cease his shuddering breaths. He didn't want to let go, but he couldn't force her to stay, it wasn't right.
He slowly let up his grip, his hand sliding away from her leg. He leaned up, sitting on his knees, his head still down.
"It's okay…" He breathed. His hands clenched his pants in wads, his nails digging into the flesh underneath. His breath hitched as he felt hands on his shoulders, he glanced up unexpectedly to Nebula who was kneeling in front of him again. He could see how unsteady her face was, she was trying not to contort it in discomfort. Loki chewed his lip, staring back down at the bathroom tile.
"It's okay, Nebula," He was trying to ignore the build of tears on the rim of his eyes. He was so sick of crying, especially in front of her, "You don't have to stay. I understand."
"I'm not leaving, Loki."
"Why not?" Loki knew he put too much venom behind it, "You can hardly bear the sight of me, Nebula."
"You- It caught me off guard." She took a deep breath, but she tried to be discreet about it. Her eyes were constantly moving, Loki wasn't even sure if she was looking at him.
Her touch was hesitant, but her fingers pressed against his cheek. Loki could barely feel it, there was a major amount of nerve damage. Loki watched her eyes as her fingers touched the skin layered over where his eye should be. A shuddered gasp escaped her lips, but she didn't pull away or flinch.
“Who-” It was quiet, it fell out of her mouth when she took another wispy breath. Now, her eyes never felt Loki’s face, they scanned every inch, every dip and bump. Her hand rubbed his cheek, the skin smooth and warm from embarrassment. And her other hand rested on the other cheek. It was rough and dry.
“Who did this, Loki.” It wasn’t a question, it sounded more like a demand when it left her mouth. Loki cleared his throat, his fingers wrapping around her wrist.
“T-Thanos.” He exhaled, he felt himself lean forward trying to chase the touch as Nebula stood again, her hands leaving him feeling cold and empty. He tried to stand, but his leg wouldn’t support him. The entirety of his left side was burned, scarred, and crippled. He huffed an aggravated breath, as he reluctantly decided to stay on his knees.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
That was the question Loki was waiting for, and at the same time, hated to hear.
“I-” His tongue felt heavy again. “I didn’t want you to leave.”
“Loki,” He flinched at the tone of her voice, “Why would I? Do I really come off as so self centered that I would leave you because you were tortured?” He flinched again, he knew she was being...caring? But her tone was a little harsh.
“No, no-” Loki shook his head, “I just- I didn’t think you would like me. Look at me Neb, it’s ridiculous to think that somebody would love me.” There was a brief silence that Loki resented. Nebula kneeled again, her hands cupping his now uneven jaw. She pulled him into a kiss, Loki wanted it to last longer, but she pulled away quickly. He caught himself leaning forward to try and keep it just a little longer, but she pulled away. Her hands on his shoulders. Loki’s head fell a bit, he knew she was forcing herself to do all of this.
“Let’s go to bed, you seem exhausted.” She pulled his shoulders just a tug, as she got up as a way to encourage him to do the same. But Loki stayed there a moment, his brow furrowed as he tried to focus. Nebula had already turned and walked a few steps out of the doorway. Loki tried to grab the edge of the bathroom sink counter, but his left arm wouldn’t straighten enough for him to reach. It stayed bent and crippled, not capable of stretching any further.
He hissed as he tried to force his arm to straighten. He doubled forward, his arm coming back to clutch against his chest. Nebula was back in front of him, her hands under his arms, resting on his ribs.
“I’m sorry-” She cursed herself, “I should have known.” She muttered, lifting him slowly. Once Loki finally got his feet planted, he gently pushed her arms away.
They slept with their backs towards one another. Nebula was still awake, wide eyed and restless. She had spent the last ten minutes trying to figure out if Loki, too, was awake.
His breathing sounded different, Nebula was aware that she might just be paranoid and making things up. But it sounded like he was struggling to breath, it was harsh and wet, strangled really. He would cough every so often and that would sound just as bad. She didn’t know if it was because he was getting sick (like she said he was four days ago) or if it was normal. Well- now normal, since he was sleeping beside her without any mask or whatever for the first time. Nebula thought, maybe this is just how he is supposed to sound.
She didn’t really know what happened exactly. She knew it was her fathers work, and probably a bit of Ebony’s too. But she didn’t know the details, or the specifics of it all, and she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to. She was biting her lip, her chest felt so hollow. Like it was an empty bottomless pit, it was making her sick; she felt nauseous.
She thought it might be guilt, that’s what it had to be. She was currently laying under a blanket of self loathing. There was just a constant replay going on inside her head. She shouldn’t have reacted like that, she clenched her eyes shut, she shouldn’t have stepped away, she shouldn’t have gasped, she shouldn’t have taken so long to comfort him.
She huffed, rolling on to her back.
He was vulnerable, and scared, and she made him feel so much worse. She hated herself for that.
Nebula glanced in his direction, still hearing the rough breaths that sounded more like pants. She doubted he had ever seen a doctor, there were probably issues that could have been cured easily if he had ever tried. But now...it had been so long- a trip to the doctor was probably useless. Nebula sighed, rising up to her elbows.
She sat up, her hand resting on his shoulder as she peered over.
She froze for just a moment, but it felt so much longer.
He currently laid on his right side, like he usually did. So all Nebula could see was the burnt and maimmed skin. She didn’t know how much there was, how bad it really was. She knew it at least covered his left arm all the way down to his hand. She tried to picture his chest, or his back, maybe even his entire torso covered with similar scar tissue.
She chewed her lip, fighting back a tear as her thumb rubbed lightly over the skin where his once beautiful green eyes were. Now he only had the one- well, she assumed he only ever had the one, but now she was actually finally seeing it. She brought her hand back to his shoulder, squeezing it as she whispered.
“Loki…”
She repeated the motion a few times until he eventually stirred.
“Loki,” She said again, he hummed shifting. He had to roll around to properly see her.
“What?” He asked hoarsely. His eye were plagued with sleep, as was his voice. It made her heart melt, he needed rest. He was tired, sick, and emotionally drained. Nebula bit her lip again, her fingers fiddling with the others.
“Are you okay?” She asked, tightening her eyes shut, like she knew it was stupid, and was just waiting for the sarcastic response.
There was a moment of pure silence, which was weird since their apartment was in the city.
“What?” Loki asked again, his voice sounding almost the same as it did before. He was a little more confused, this go around.
“I mean- You just didn’t-” Nebula touched his chest, his eyes glancing down to her hand a second. “You didn’t sound like you were breathing okay...It sounded painful, and I just wanted to know if everything was okay, or- or if I needed to call a doctor- or if you needed-”
“Nebula, I’m okay.” She stopped rambling as his fingers wrapped around her wrist.
“Okay…” She spoke quietly.
She was hesitant, but laid back down. Not facing away from him though, no, this time she cuddled up close. It was his “bad” side, but she didn’t care. In fact, she was convinced that that made her snuggle up closer.
She felt how Loki went stiff when she first laid next to him. But after a few minutes, he started to relax. She could feel his body start to loosen, his hand snake around her waist like normal.
Nebula smiled into his chest, she heard his heartbeat (a little faster than usual, but she heard it nonetheless).
It was still his heart, still the man she fell in love with. Still the heat that loved her dearly.
She took a deep breath, taking in his rich scent. It was fresh and calming, he smelled like mint like usual. Like he always had, he was as comforting as the day she met him.
He was still him. Nebula knew that, she just had to make sure he remembered it.