Daisy finds herself lost in thought again. Her fingers subconsciously ghost over her thigh, thinking back to the days in the van when she felt too much, or too little, or nothing at all. Few people know about the scars. Miles had known, having uncovered them one night. They had a brief conversation about it, and she’d stayed clean--for the most part--while they were together. Simmons knows. It would be nearly impossible for her not to know since she’s the team’s resident medic. She had seen them when caring for Daisy after she’d been shot, and it had been the topic of one of their first conversations after Daisy regained full consciousness. When asked, Daisy had told the truth: she’s clean, and she had been for years. Simmons had agreed to keep it between the two of them as long as Daisy periodically checked in with her. Simmons is truly the best friend Daisy has ever had.
Lincoln had known, too, before he took her place on the ship and sacrificed himself.
Daisy clenches her fists, forcing a tremor inward, near her ribs. Lincoln had died because of her. She should have been on that ship. No matter how many years pass, the guilt remains. She should have died that night.
She had told Simmons the truth. At the time, it had been years since she last cut herself. But that one day--that first time she stopped her powers by forcing them inward--she had been reminded of the feeling that floods her whenever she self-harms. After her mother, her father, Ward, Lincoln--after everything that had happened, she needed that release. (At least, that’s what she told herself when she found herself drawn back to her old addiction.) Even after years without it, she easily fell back into her old habit. But now, cutting wasn’t really an option. Simmons knows about it, and she lives with a team of highly trained government agents. Cutting would be way too obvious. By forcing her quakes inward, the pain is definitely there, but it doesn’t leave a mark that’s obviously self-harm. At most, it leaves a bruise, which can be easily explained by her work as a field agent.
Someone knocks at her door, startling her out of her thoughts.
“The pizza’s here, Daisy,” Fitz calls from outside her door.
“Okay, just a minute.” Daisy strains to keep her voice steady as she stands, her side pulsing with pain. She hadn’t been focused when she quaked earlier, doing it instinctively rather than strategically. She may have broken a rib. She briefly squeezes her eyes shut, forcing herself to take a few deep breaths. It’s fine. Things are calm right now--no incoming missions, nothing involving a ton of movement. She might have to avoid May to get out of sparring, but that’s fine. She’ll have time to heal. It’s all fine. She’s fine.
She opens the door, nearly running into Fitz, who stands just inches from her doorway.
“Are you okay? You sounded kind of… off.”
“What? I’m fine!” Daisy smiles, walking out to the main living area to avoid the conversation Fitz is about to start. She just needs to act normal, which should be easy. After all, she’s been practicing her whole life.
The others are gathering around a table covered with pizzas. Daisy grabs a piece, then sits down in a chair in the corner. She tenses as Fitz comes to sit at the end of the couch closest to her. Simmons sits next to him, and May and Coulson sit in chairs across from them. The rest of the team seems comfortable in the silence as they eat. Daisy is anything but comfortable. She curses her carelessness when she sees May looking at her. She forces herself to clear her mind, to block out the negative emotions. May had taught her that. She boxes away the pain and self-hatred until all she feels is… nothing. She’s numb, a feeling that isn’t foreign to her, though it’s been a while. But as long as she feels nothing, May knows nothing. She knows that, eventually, the numbness will become too much. By then, the only way to bring back feeling is through pain, and the cycle will begin again.
May raises her eyebrows at the sudden lack of emotion, but Daisy just grins at her, hopefully convincing May that she’s fine. Because she is fine. She has everything under control.
She barely touches the pizza, her appetite nonexistent.
You don’t deserve to eat, anyway, says the oh-so-helpful voice in her head.
Daisy avoids the watchful eyes of Simmons, who is trying to catch her gaze. Soon, Fitz starts rambling about a new project, and then Coulson follows it with an old field story. She forces herself to take deep breaths again, feeling May, Fitz, and Simmons watching her. It won’t be long before Coulson catches on, and then the interrogation will start. She feels herself beginning to panic, but she can’t stop it. She has to act like herself, but she doesn’t feel like herself. She doesn’t feel anything.
Her breaths start to come faster. They can’t find out how far gone she is. She’s completely broken--she has been for a while. But she has to be strong. She’s an agent of SHIELD, an actual superhero. So why is she tearing apart at the seams? She’s just being dramatic. It’s been years since Lincoln’s death, since Mike’s. Since Cal’s memories were erased. Since she finally met her mother, only for her to try to kill her. She should be over this. But she’s not, and she doesn’t know how to fix herself.
Daisy gasps softly as a hand lands on her shoulder, dragging her back to reality. Simmons is in front of her, saying something that Daisy can’t make out. It takes Daisy a moment to realize that the room is shaking. She barely thinks as she wraps her arms around herself, forcing the quake inwards. It pulses through her entire body, literally shaking her to the core. She folds in on herself, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her head behind them. She feels like she’s about to pass out, but she forces herself to breathe, to calm down. Her whole body aches fiercely. She hasn’t directed an entire quake inward since she first got her powers.
“Daisy!” Simmons' voice finally cuts through the cloudiness in Daisy’s head. “Look at me.”
Daisy complies, raising her head to meet Simmons’ eyes. She tries to blink back her tears, but they fall anyway.
“Oh, Dais,” Simmons breathes, rocking back on her heels.
Daisy uncurls from her ball and stands up carefully. “I’m going to my room,” she chokes out, attempting to leave.
May steps in front of her. “Daisy, stay here, let’s talk about this.” May’s eyes mirror Daisy’s own, filled with pain and panic.
Daisy tries to swallow around the lump in her throat. “Move, May.”
“No.”
All Daisy knows is that they can’t find out. So she doesn’t quite think as she throws her hand out, quaking May out of her way. Everyone stares at her, shocked. She uses that as her escape and runs to her room, locking the door behind her. Her breathing is speeding up again, and spots begin clouding her vision. She slides down to the ground, her back against the door, and passes out right there.
****************
Coulson is the first to move once Daisy is gone. He runs over to May, helping her up from where she was thrown into the wall. “You okay?”
“Just a little shaken up.”
“Something’s wrong with Daisy,” Fitz and Simmons say almost simultaneously.
“Obviously,” May mutters. Then, softly, she says, “Someone should go check on her. She’s hurting.”
“Is she injured? Or do you mean emotionally?”
“Both, Phil.”
The four of them share a look until Simmons steps forward. “I’ll go.”
Simmons walks down the hall, taking a deep breath before knocking on Daisy’s door. A knot begins to form in her stomach when there is no answer. Daisy’s room is completely silent. Simmons tries not to panic as she knocks again, calling Daisy’s voice loudly. When there’s still no answer, she tries the doorknob. As expected, it’s locked. Simmons returns to the others.
“It’s locked, and Daisy isn’t answering.”
“She might just need some space,” Coulson starts.
“I don’t think… I can’t hear any noise from her room, and the shape she was in when she left… I don’t think she can answer.”
Realization creeps onto his face almost immediately. “Fitz, can you get the door open?”
“Yeah. Yeah, no problem.” He heads to the lab, then returns a couple of minutes later with a small tool kit. Within five minutes, he’s broken the lock on Daisy’s door. However, when he moves to open it, it won’t budge. “Something’s blocking it.”
“Got it.” Coulson steps forward, pushing against the door, using the extra strength from his mechanical hand. He slowly pushes it open.
Being the smallest among them, May slips in as soon as she can fit. She forces herself to stay calm when she sees Daisy crumpled up on the floor in front of the door. Her voice shakes slightly when she tells the others, “She’s unconscious. Let me move her out of the way.” May crouches next to the woman who she had come to love as her own daughter. She locks her arms under Daisy’s armpits, pulling her over toward her bed.
Simmons is the next one in. She kneels next to Daisy, checking her pulse. “Pulse is strong. She probably just wore herself out with the panic attack, maybe hyperventilated a bit.”
But everyone can hear the underlying worry in Simmons’ voice. And even if the only reason she passed out was a panic attack, why did she have a panic attack in the first place?
“We should move her to the med bay.” Simmons looks to Coulson, who nods and picks Daisy up bridal style. They all follow him to the medbay.
“Give her some space,” Fitz says once Daisy is on the medical bed. Simmons grabs some smelling salts waving them under Daisy’s nose.
Daisy slowly blinks her eyes open, squinting against the harsh lighting. All she feels is pain overwhelming her senses. Her whole body aches, but soon she’s able to pinpoint her arms and torso as the source of most of the pain. A few seconds later, the memories come rushing back.
I had a panic attack in front of the others.
Crap.
May...
Double crap!
“Daisy, are you with us?”
Daisy rolls her head over to look at Simmons. “Yeah.” She moves to sit up, trying--and failing--not to let the pain show on her face. Simmons gently pushes her back down.
“Dais, you passed out.”
Daisy doesn’t answer, instead squeezing her eyes shut and trying to think of a way out of this.
“What happened?”
There are too many people. Even though they’re like her family, all of them being with her right now feels suffocating. She had a meltdown--albeit only a small one--and these are the aftereffects.
“I’m fine.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Daisy remains silent. Simmons sighs, turning to the others. “Can you all give us a moment?”
They reluctantly file out of the med bay, heading back to the living area. Their plates of pizza remain untouched as they wait for Simmons to call them back in.
Simmons drags a chair over next to Daisy, who drags herself into an upright position despite Simmons’--and her own body’s--protests. They face each other then, trying to read each other's emotions.
“You had a panic attack.”
Daisy stiffens but doesn’t respond.
“There was a quake during it. You stopped it. At least, it looked like you did. But you didn’t really, did you.”
It isn’t a question, and SImmons’ suspicions are confirmed as Daisy averts her gaze, staring down at her hands which are folded in her lap.
“Oh, Dais,” Simmons breathes.
“Don’t.”
“What?”
“It was an accident.”
“Daisy…”
“No, Jemma,” she meets her eyes. “I swear it was an accident. I was panicking. I didn’t mean to send it inward.” Lying is a lot like riding a bike, Daisy realizes. It’s been years since she’s lied to Simmons’ face, but it comes back easily when she needs to defend her only release.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Okay.” Simmons takes a deep breath. “How much of that quake was sent inward?”
Daisy winces. “All of it.”
“Where?”
“Ribs, mainly. And arms.” Daisy knows she has to be honest and let Simmons patch her up now in order to make her earlier lies more believable.
“Shirt off.”
Daisy slowly takes off her hoodie. Bruises are forming all over her arms and torso, the darkest where she had hit before the panic attack.
They both remain silent as Simmons examines the bruising. Daisy forces herself not to flinch at the doctor’s gentle touch.
“You broke a few ribs, and there are some hairline fractures in your arms. I’ll bandage them and give you some painkillers.” As Simmons wraps Daisy’s torso, they briefly make eye contact. “What happened?” Simmons asks cautiously. “What caused the attack?”
Daisy presses her lips together, shaking her head quickly.
“Daisy, I want to help you. We all do. But you have to let us know what’s going on.”
‘It’s nothing.”
“We both know that’s not true.”
As soon as Simmons is finished bandaging her arms and torso, Daisy hops off the bed. “I can’t do this with you right now, Jemma.” She carefully pulls her hoodie back on, pushing past Simmons to get out of the med bay.
Simmons follows her to the common area. Daisy planned to go straight to her room, but Coulson stands to block the doorway. Knowing there’s no escaping this conversation, Daisy lets out a dramatic sigh and sits down in the same chair she sat in earlier. She tries to calm her inner panic. They can’t know how messed up she is. They’ll realize that all she really does is hold them back, and they’ll kick her off the team. She can’t lose them too. They’re all she has left. So they can’t find out. She just has to brush the panic attack off, convince them there’s nothing truly wrong. She’s just tired, worked up from the latest mission.
May sits closest to Daisy this time. Being close to the empath does nothing to ease Daisy’s nerves.
“Daisy,” May says gently, and Daisy hates it. She hates herself for showing weakness in front of the others. She hates how they’re going to tiptoe around her like she’s breakable. They wouldn’t be this way if they knew she was already broken. They’d throw her out in a second.
Would they? They’ve stayed with me so long, a small part of her brain questions.
Of course they would, snaps the loudest voice in her head. Everyone leaves. No one wants a broken person.
May lightly lays her hand on Daisy's knee, dragging her back to reality. Her own pain is reflected on May’s face.
Crap.
She’s sitting next to someone who feels other people’s emotions. Why can’t she stop herself from spiraling into self-hatred for two freaking seconds?
“Stop, May,” Daisy says, almost pleading. “This is none of your business!” She pulls her leg away, curling up in the chair.
“I can’t. I can’t stop. But you can’t just bottle all of this up. Daisy, we’re your family. We want to help you. But you have to let us in.”
Daisy just shakes her head, not trusting herself to speak.
“Daisy, please.” Simmons is on the other side of her now.
Tears spring to Daisy’s eyes in spite of her efforts to hold them back. “Family leaves,” Daisy whispers, feeling like a two year old. Gods, she’s such a crybaby.
And suddenly, they understand. Not everything, not by a long shot. But enough to help.
“Daisy, we aren’t going anywhere. I swear.” May holds Daisy’s gaze, trying to get the younger girl to believe her.
‘You couldn’t get rid of us if you tried,” Coulson adds.
“Please, Dais, what’s wrong?” Jemma pleads.
“Everything is wrong. There’s something wrong with me!”
“No, Daisy--” Fitz starts.
“Then why does everyone leave?” Daisy’s voice is rising now, tears pouring freely down her face. “Death and destruction follow me everywhere. I’m Quake, the Destroyer of Worlds.”
“You aren’t--”
“My own mother tried to kill me, only to be murdered by my father!”
“Daisy--”
“Lincoln,” her voice catches. “Lincoln took my place. But it should’ve been me on that plane. I should be dead!”
Daisy buries her face against her knees, silently sobbing.
May finds herself near tears as she tries to withstand the weight of Daisy's grief and hatred along with her own anger for not noticing that Daisy was this far gone. She pulls Daisy into a hug, trying to pass all of her love to the girl through physical contact. Without pulling away from Daisy, May makes eye contact with Simmons, whose eyes are shining. May reads Simmons’ face, then gently pulls away, allowing the other woman to take her place.
“It wasn’t an accident, Dais,” Jemma whispers low enough that only Daisy hears.
Daisy shakes her head.
“You said you’d stopped.”
“Jemma, please--”
“You can’t keep doing this.”
The whirlwind of sadness suddenly gives way, Simmons’ words filling her with irrational anger. She pulls away, meeting Simmons’ eyes. Her voice is firm but barely above a whisper.
“You don’t get to decide what I can or can’t do, Jemma. I’m an adult!”
“Daisy,” Simmons’ voice rises as well, seeming loud in the otherwise silent room, “I can’t watch you destroy yourself!”
“Then don’t! Leave! I know that’s what you want! Deep down, all of you know that I’m not worth saving.” Daisy glares at the others as if daring them to disagree, but her confidence fathers when she sees the pain on their faces. “Everything around me, everyone I love, gets destroyed. I don’t want you guys to get hurt. I’m not worth it.”
“That isn’t your choice,” Coulson interrupts. “It’s ours. And we choose to stay with you. We choose you to be a part of this family.”
Daisy breaks down into sobs once again. Embarrassed, she curls in on herself once again, trying to hide from the others even after the panic attack and everything that followed.
“I’m broken,” she mumbles into her knees.
“So am I, Daisy,” Fitz answers immediately. “My brain is damaged. But none of you truly left me.” He glances at Simmons briefly. “You helped me through it.”
“Dais, I was grabbed by a sentient rock and transported across the universe. But you guys fought to bring me back.”
“I was broken when Coulson found me. Bahrain… It destroyed me. Coulson called me back into the field, but this team--this family--that’s what healed me.”
“I died, Daisy. And I was resurrected by alien blood. That’s a ton of crap to deal with, a whole shipload of trauma. But I made it through because of all the support you guys gave me.”
“Daisy, we can help you get through this,” Simmons says, her sincerity evident in her voice. “But you have to let us.”
Daisy looks up again, meeting the eyes of her teammates, her family. “You guys won’t leave? You won’t… You won’t kick me out, no matter how screwed up I am?”
“Never, Daisy. We love you so much.”
“Why… Why can’t I believe you?” Daisy whispers. “I want to, I do, but I can’t help but think… What if you change your minds?”
“We won’t, Daisy. And we’re going to prove it. We’ll stay with you through the good and the bad, even when you push us away. We’ll fight for you.”
Daisy glances around at her teammates. “I love you guys.”
“They all crowd around her, hugging her and trying to shield her from all the bad this world has thrown at her.
“We love you too, Daisy. So much.”