Chapter 30
Throughout the next couple of days, Loki tried to push away the horrible feeling that she’d done something wrong.
Steve rarely showed his face, only showing up for the required missions before disappearing again with a different excuse each time, growing ever more ridiculous.
Today, Steve’s brilliant excuse was that he had to help Clint with his running technique.
He was an archer. Why would an archer need to know running techniques? The technique is to just run.
She tried not to care, tried reading books, tried practicing simple spells, tried cooking, until she ended up lying on the common room couch, scrolling aimlessly through some Midgardian app on her phone for recipes.
She had nearly clicked on a rather dull-looking recipe for chicken when Thor broke into her thoughts.
“What’s going on with you lately?”
Loki looked up from her phone, “What do you mean?”
“Come on, Broth-” Loki raised an eyebrow, lifting her wrist and shaking it to display the bracelets, pink today, “Sister, You’ve been sulking all week. What’s up?”
She had to give it to him. Thor wasn’t perfect (having grown up in Asgard, he was bound to be a bit slower) but he was doing his best. And she supposed it didn’t help that she could no longer use magic to take a more feminine-looking form like she wanted to.
She could use a glamour, but at this point, all of that magic was already being put towards hiding the baby.
“That’s none of your business.”
“I’m your brother, of course it’s my business.”
“Adopted. I don’t have to tell you anything.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Come on, you can trust me.”
“Trust you? The last time I trusted you, I ended up halfway across the galaxy. Don’t tell me I can trust you.”
“Oh, no, I am not falling for that! Don’t try to change the subject like that,” Thor’s harsh response softened to pleading, “You know you can trust me. Tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help.”
Loki paused, stunned by Thor’s response, before relenting with a sigh, “To be completely honest, I’m not sure.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think Steve’s been avoiding me.”
“Nonsense! You just saved his life, like, last week!”
“Yeah, but . . .” Loki trailed off, “Lately, he hasn’t been in the common room at all. And movie night?”
“Oh,” understanding filled Thor’s voice.
Maybe Thor had been more observant than Loki realized.
“He was there, but . . .”
“But he avoided your touch,” Thor conceded, nodding solemnly and sitting down on the couch next to her.
He sat for a moment, uncharacteristically silent for the longest time, before suggesting, “You should try talking to him. Ask him what’s going on.”
“How can I when he’s so determined to avoid me?”
“I’ll try to talk to him.”
“What will you tell him?”
“That you want to speak with him, of course.”
“If he refuses?”
“I’ll make him.”
“Please don’t.”
“Alright, Sister,” Thor said, standing up again, “Wait here.”
Thor returned with Steve in tow, and crossed his arms, waiting for Steve to sit in the chair across from Loki before finally leaving the room.
Loki had never felt more embarrassed in her life.
Steve had his hands clasped, ringing his fingers, looking like a student called into the principal’s office.
“So,” he said, looking anywhere in the room but at Loki, “Thor said you wanted to talk with me. What did you want to talk about?”
“Did I do something wrong?” Loki asked, getting straight to the point.
“What?”
“What did I do? You’ve been avoiding me all week.”
“No I haven’t. I’ve just been . . . busy.”
“Then what was movie night all about?”
“Maybe I just didn’t want to hold your hand,” Steve snapped, “It doesn’t matter anyway.”
He glanced back towards the hallway, no doubt wanting to escape the conversation. When Loki tried to catch his eye, he kept glancing away.
“You’re lying,” Loki realized with a start.
Steve frowned for a moment, and muttered, “Maybe I’m not the only one lying.”
“Excuse me?”
“You and Nat are lying to everyone!”
“Look, I—“
“No, you look,” Steve said, his voice close to cracking, “I thought that maybe I might mean something to you, but then you and, and. You and Natasha.”
Loki’s heart sank.
How much did he know?
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about!” Steve snapped, “Natasha’s having your baby!”
Relief washed through her, though she couldn’t quite get her heart to stop racing at the thought that Steve had nearly figured it out.
The laughing that followed was more from relief than from amusement.
Steve, meanwhile, looked both confused and appalled.
“Steve, I merely gave her the ability to conceive,” the lie curled off her tongue effortlessly, tasting bitter and wrong, “It was my Christmas gift to them. A little early, I'll admit, but . . .”
She couldn’t do that. Anyone who knew any magic knew she couldn’t do that, but Steve took it so easily.
“O-oh.”
“And Steve?”
“Yeah?”
“You mean more to me than you will ever know.”
“Yeah,” Steve almost stumbled over his words, “I mean, I—You mean a lot to me, too.”
After a moment, he stood up, an almost excited expression on his face, “I’ll be right back.”
Loki watched curiously as Steve sprinted down the hall to his bedroom, grabbed something, sprinted back, and sat back down on the couch, this time right next to her on the couch. He held the item behind his back for a split second before presenting it with a bashful smile.
Flowers, all shades of purple and orange, carefully woven into a beautiful wreath. Among the flowers, Loki recognized the rose that Steve had picked back on that chilly September evening in New Mexico, back when Thor had asked her to be a godparent.
A few of the flowers were starting to wilt, but the rose remained bright and lively.
“It’s a flower crown,” Steve explained, placing it first on his own head to demonstrate, before placing it on Loki’s, “I made it for you.”
And suddenly, tears were streaming down Loki’s face, despite her inability to stop smiling, because Norns she loved him so much, how could she ever bear a life without him? Norns please don’t ever take him away.
And Steve’s arms were around her, firm and gentle, reassuring.
But Loki didn’t deserve it.
Hands shaking, she took the crown off her head. She let it lay on her lap.
“I’m sorry,” she stared at it, her vision getting blurry with a fresh set of tears, “but I can’t. Steve, I—You can’t trust me. There are so many things I haven’t told you yet.”
She thought of the lie she had just told. Of the mind stone. Of Bucky.
Bucky: Steve’s best friend, perhaps the only connection to his past life.
And all for what? Why? So that she could have them both all to herself? So she could be loved by both of them? But not in any way that would matter, of course.
How could she be so selfish?
She couldn’t even reveal herself honestly to them. Her very appearance was all a lie.
“Yet,” Steve said softly, finally breaking through her thoughts.
He waited for Loki to look up.
“I don’t expect you to tell me everything yet.” He said, “I know you’ve been through a lot, and you’re working through a lot.”
He went silent for a moment, holding her gaze, before speaking again, softer, almost a whisper.
“I’ve been there too.”
A watery smile appeared on Loki’s face, and she rolled her eyes.
“Here we go again.”
Steve chuckled, but got serious again, “Maybe I’m not the best judge of character, but I do trust you, Loki. Whatever you have to say, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here to listen.”
He stopped, his expression a mixture of misery and hope, “I just wish you’d trust me.”
“Me, too,” Loki muttered, her fingers brushing the petals of the purple rose.
Tomorrow, she promised herself. Tomorrow she’d tell him about Bucky, the stone.
She didn’t need to tell her about the baby. Natasha would accept it as her own.
It would be okay.
They sat in silence for a while, until Loki sighed, leaning her head on Steve’s shoulder.
“I’ll try,” Loki murmured, “For you, I’ll try.”