Nebula sighed, reaching into the sink to pull the drain. She continued to stand in the kitchen, her hands still gripping the counter, as her eyes watched the dirty dish water circle slowly down into the middle.
She didn’t know why she had started to feel this weight of guilt in her stomach. But it wasn’t letting up.
It had been gnawing at her gut all morning. Well, maybe it had been longer than that, (now that she thought about it). She could probably trace this uneasy feeling back to at least a couple weeks ago...maybe more.
She knew what it all was about, but she didn’t really have a way to deal with it.
There wasn’t a solution, no cure, no fixing it.
So maybe this wrenching pain inside her wouldn’t ever go away. Perhaps she should just attempt to live with it.
She gasped as a hand touched the dip of her lower back.
“Woah- Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She forced a smile to her lips as she turned around.
“I was distracted. My fault.” She kissed him quickly, so he couldn’t pay too much attention to her faltering facade. She was a terrible liar, and he of all people could easily tell. She slid her hand down his chest as she tried to walk past him. But she bit her tongue once he grabbed ahold of her arm, forcing her to stay in place.
“Neb- What’s going on with you?” She took a breath before she turned again, she really hope her confused look was convincing enough.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Loki?” She kept her brows furrowed, as he studied her face. He let her arm drop back to her side, and sighed, his shoulders slumping a little with the release from his lungs.
“Nothing, I guess...You’re just...You’ve been acting off, lately.” His eyes never left her, and she really wished they would. The deep pools of green were making her stomach clench with anxiety. “Are you sure everything’s alright?” The slight lift of his eyebrow as he stared at her worriedly made her tongue feel heavy in her mouth as the next lie she had prepared died.
“I just-” She shook her head, Loki took a hesitant step forward, “I guess I do feel a bit off.” She sighed, wrapping her arms around her as she shifted her weight.
“Well...What’s going on?” His voice was low, but not in an intimidating way. No, it was hushed and calming.
“I-” Nebula chewed her lip as her mind raced for an answer. “I don’t know.” She huffed, irritated.
“Okay.” Loki nodded, closing the space in between them as he began to rub her arm gently. “Do you- I don’t know….Want to do something?”
Nebula looked up at him, not being able to help the hint of a smile on her lips.
“Like...What?”
“I-I don’t know…” He let his eyes drift to the floor as he thought. “Well, you’ve been bugging me about those damn Miggardian puzzles for a while now.”
Nebula held in a laugh, as she bit her knuckle. “You’ll do a puzzle with me?”
Loki rolled his eyes as he let his hand drop from her arm again, “Yeah, I’ll do a bloody puzzle with you.” Nebula squealed, wrapping her arms around his middle.
Growing up, Nebula was encouraged to leave all aspects of a normal life behind. Everything in her twisted and horrible life, well as awful as it was, was normal to her. So, when she traded in that shit show for a domestic quiet home she shared with her...Husband? (She didn’t really know what to call him) It was quite the transition.
A rough….and slow transition.
She was still getting the hang of things, she was learning a lot. From the help of her friends on Earth, and from the hundreds of movies and tv shows that the humans had to offer. She liked taking her friends advice, especially the wisdom from Mrs. Potts. Nebula liked her, she thought she was beautiful and smart. And she was everything Nebula craved to be.
For a while, Nebula had gotten herself into a low swing. Spending too much time obsessing over the looks and beauty of the Earthly women, (Mrs. Potts, and the ladies Nebula spent countless hours seeing on the screen) and comparing it to herself. Loki thought she was utterly ridiculous, and was able (after a very long time) to show Nebula that she too was beautiful. Well, at least he surely thought so anyway.
But after living a life of pretty much chaos, Nebula found herself enjoying things that were quiet and time consuming. Said: Puzzles.
Loki, however, had refused her hundreds of offers. He had sat down with her on a couple different occasions but it was obvious that sitting in front of a puzzle for hours at a time was not very enjoyable in his opinion. He thought it was too tedious, and he would complain about not being able to find the right piece, or not being able to see the color or image. Nebula would eventually be so tired of him whining that she would push him away and force him to leave her alone for the evening.
So, Loki volunteering to do an activity that he is usually forced into doing, is kind of a big deal.
Nebula fetched a puzzle she hadn’t yet started yet from the closet in the hall. She dumped it out on the coffee table, in the middle of their small living room. She was already sitting crossed legged on their carpet by the time Loki shuffled over to her side. She was so excited for their shared activity she had completely forgotten about her guilt ridden feelings, until they all came crashing back.
It was when Loki accidentally reminded her. Without consciously doing so, also. He made his way to the middle of the room, Nebula busy with sorting the sides and corners. He huffed as he slowly made his way down to the floor. The hiss he made caught her attention, and that’s when the knots in her stomach returned. As she watched him straighten out his stiff leg so he could sit a bit more comfortably.
Loki immediately noticed her now returned frown.
“Hey- What happened? What’s wrong now?”
“Nothing.” Nebula shook her head, turning back to the puzzle, continuing to sort, but clearly less enthusiastic. Her cheeks burned as his hand sat on her shoulder, squeezing lightly.
“Hey...I’m serious, Neb. Tell me what’s going on.” She turned to look at him, which was her first mistake. Her chest only began to feel a little tighter as she stared into his big concern ridden eyes. Her shoulders sank as she sighed.
“I hate myself.”
The clear confusion is obvious on his face.
“What?” He said after a moment of silence. “Nebula I- Why? What’s-”
Nebula growled as she clenched her jaw, “Because! I- You’re in pain. You’re in pain and it’s my fault.” She threw her hands away from her head, her eyes meeting his.
“What are you talking about? I’m not in-”
“Your body is failing, Loki.” The realization hit his face, he slowly brought his hand away from her and looked away. “And it’s my fault.”
“It is not, Nebula. You know that.” He huffed back. “You didn’t do this to me-”
“But I didn’t stop them, now did I?”
His mouth was open to argue, but he snapped it shut after a moment. The tension in her body ceased after the room filled with a little more silence. She wrapped her arms around herself, in an attempt to comfort herself.
“I should have done more.” She said softly. She was standing now, having happened in her fit of rage. But a soft hand tugged on her fingertips, pulling her back to the ground. It moved to cup her cheek next, rubbing her skin gently.
“I don’t blame you, Nebula. I never have.” Her hands clung to the chest of his shirt. “To be honest...I hate myself like this too.” Her eyes widened, coming back up from the floor.
“What? No, Loki- I don’t-”
“I feel useless to you. You have to do so much around here, and I- I can’t. I just wish I could do more to help you.” He spoke softly, the sound of shame soaked his voice.
“Loki- No, I- I don’t care about that at all, alright? I like you helping you-”
“I dragged you here, Nebula.”
Nebula paused a second, her hand still as it reached for his face. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean, you-” He huffed annoyed, like he couldn’t find the right words. “You wanted to go back to space- You wanted to go with your sister, and friends. But I couldn’t- I wouldn’t be able to keep up with you...So you stayed. You didn’t want to- and that’s understandable, I don’t blame you. But I just- I feel like you might just...Want to leave.” His eyes were no longer on her, instead they laid down her hands, where he was distractedly rubbing her knuckles.
“Loki. I do not miss those idiots.” He chuckles looking up at her. “I would rather spend the rest of my life with you here, then on that smelly ship for one more day with them.” Her hands cupped his face, squishing his rosy cheeks.
“Nebula I…” The seriousness returned to his voice. “I don’t want you to blame yourself for this- Or anything. I mean it.” She tried to turn her head, but he grabbed her chin. “I did this to myself.”
“Loki, no you didn’t-” She tried to argue.
“I fell, didn’t I? I tried to kill myself. I was the one who broke my body, they just- they saved me...Although making matters worse.” He swallowed thickly, clearing his throat as he tried to straighten his back a little more. “Now- Can we please work on this stupid puzzle?” Nebula wanted to keep talking, but she knew it was probably time to move on from this very depressing topic. She could spend the next few hours trying to get in a better mood, instead of staying in the sad one she was in.
She smiled, squeezing his hand before she turned her focus back to the table and pieces scattered in front of her.
***
Nebula placed the last piece in its correct spot. Taking a moment to appreciate her accomplishment, then her smile faded as she heard the snores next to her. She glanced to her left, Loki sprawled out on the carpet, drool dripping down his chin.
Nebula rolled her eyes in a playful tone, before she nudged his shoulder.
“Loki- Loki, wake up.” He stirred some, flinching a little bit as he finally woke up.
“Oh...Are we done?” He rubbed his eye as he yawned.
“Excuse me- we?”
“Hey- I helped!”
“For the first ten mintues.” Nebula crossed her arms. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” She tilted her head in the direction of said shared space. She started to get up, stilling before she did. Her eyes stayed on Loki as his brow was set. He was on his elbows, but it seemed like he couldn’t get any closer to sitting up than that.
“What’s...What’s wrong? Do you need help?” She asked, that guilt sinking further than it had earlier.
“No.” He gritted through his teeth, “I got it.”
“Loki, just let me help you.” She waited until she received a reluctant nod before leaning down to give him a hand. She sat behind him, her hands under his arms, pushing him forward into a sitting position. She heard him hiss, it sounded like he bit his tongue in response. “Loki, what’s-”
“My back,” His voice showed clear signs of pain, “It’s tight. I think one of the- The bolts or something needs to be loosen- Ahg!” He screamed, doubling forward, his eyes shut tight. Nebula held a little tighter to his arms, holding him up.
“Loki!” She could feel his body trembling beneath her grip. “What do you want me to do?” She asked as calmly as she could currently manage.
“Just help me up.” He breathed deeply, trying to control the pain. It was a hard task, but Nebula managed to lift him to his feet, holding most if not all of his weight as they shuffled down the hall. Loki groaned once he fell onto the bed on his stomach. Nebula froze in her spot as she stared at his covered back. She had to stop the shaking in her hands before he could see. She didn’t give him any warning before pulling the back of his shirt up to his shoulders, revealing most of her father’s terrible cybernetic work.
Loki wasn’t lying when he said his fall broke his body. Completely shattered was a much better term. Nebula remembers when they first brought him in, she saw the scans, and his state. She thought they were wasting their time. That there was no way in hell that they would be able to actually salvage him. But they did; poorly, however.
The surgeries and implants were sloppy, they didn’t waste many resources on him. At the time, they weren’t aware if he was worth saving, if he could actually be of use to them. So not much time went into his injuries. (Not as much as he needed anyway).
The implants did enough, he could walk again, his spine wasn’t completely crushed. Although it was now almost all cybernetics and shitty material, at least he could walk. But that was then. Now- Well, now and in the past recent years, it was clear the poor job they did on him so long ago was finally wearing off. His leg, that had quite a bit of work done, was beginning to lock up on him in the most horrible of times. After a while, it became stiff altogether. Not even being able to bend. Then his back- well, it did what it was doing now. Some of the implants would cause spasms, or pain. They all needed to be replaced, Nebula tried to talk Loki into letting Stark take a look. Surely he would be able to work something out. But Loki never let the conversation go on for long.
Nebula immediately saw the problem. There was a blot, close to the middle of his spine. The skin was red and bruised all around, swelling even. Nebula really didn’t feel comfortable about the whole thing, but Loki was in pain, and if this would help then...She took a deep breath, her fingers close to the specific bolt.
She pulled back, shaking her head, “Maybe we should call Tony.”
“Stark?! No- Nebula, I told you-”
“Please, Loki- I can’t do this. You need actual help- He can fix all of this.” Loki stayed quiet. Nebula couldn’t see his face, since his head was laying on the pillow, turned the other way. “Loki?”
“Can...Can you just take it out tonight- Call him in the morning?” She could barely hear his voice, it was muffled by the pillow he spoke into. She looked back to the sore area. Her lungs feeling like they were burning.
“Okay….Okay...But-” She looked back up, “You don’t want me to put it back in? You’ll-”
“I know.” She heard in a whisper. Nebula glanced back down, chewing her lip until it bled. She shook out her nerves, leaning down, her finger’s on the surface of the little round bolt. She began to twist, and Loki’s screams were not muffled enough by the pillow, she winced but didn’t stop. They only grew more agonising until they died out completely into rough and harsh pants. Nebula dropped the bolt onto the table. Turning back to the rapid rise and fall of Loki’s back.
“Loki?” She said softly, her hand barely touching his shoulder.
“I’m fine.” He coughed in his pillow. Nebula fidgeted with her hands as her eyes went back to the pain sickened area.
“You should probably sleep on your stomach tonight, just to make sure you don’t irritate this spot any more.” She didn’t know if he was even listening to her, he didn’t give no response to inform her in any way. She climbed on to the other side of the bed, now being able to see his face. His brow coated with sweat, his cheeks and eyes puffy from tears.
“Are you comfortable?” She asked, moving a strand of hair from his face. She didn’t really expect him to answer, he tended to ignore her when he felt ashamed or embarrassed. He rose to his elbows, and Nebula somehow knew what he was trying to do.
She scooted closer to him, her hands holding his ribs, pulling him over the best she could. With the extra dead weight of his legs, it was a bit more challenging.
He laid on her chest, her arms wrapped around him.
“I’m calling Tony tomorrow, Loki…” She said after a long moment of nothing.
“I know…” He answered. Snuggling his nose deeper into her neck. “I’m sorry about this.”
“Don’t apologize. I just want you to be okay, and if- If Tony can do that then...You need to let him.” She kissed his forehead sweetly. She felt his finger’s wrap around her side tightly.
“None of them know, Nebula. I don’t want them to know.”
“I know you don’t, but they’re not going to look or treat you any differently. They’ll want to help you just like I do.” She whispered back, her hand in his curls. She felt him sigh against her. And soon after that, she felt his breaths even, his grip loosen, and his snoring began.
She smiled, dozing off as she listened to him.