Chapter 1
Bucky sat on the houses’ rooftop of Clint’s and his apartment and skyped with Steve. It was past 9 p.m. and they had just started talking and laughing as Clint appeared at the end of the stairs, already in his sleeping clothes – a black tank top and purple boxer shorts. He didn’t look good. The shadows under his eyes had darkened quite a lot during the past days and he wasn’t as communicative as usual, but Bucky hadn’t found the right moment yet to ask him what was going on.
“Hold on for a second, Steve”, he said into his laptop’s camera, muted the conversation and turned out of Steve’s field of vision to get up and walk over to Clint. He opened his arms and Clint leaned against his chest. His hair was still wet from the shower he just took and smelled of his shampoo that Bucky loved so much. A few moments they just stood there watching the sunset until Clint pushed himself away and looked up to Bucky.
“’m going to bed, babe”, he murmured then leaned in again for a short kiss. Bucky wanted to wrap his arms around him to at least show Clint physically that he could always talk to him if something was wrong. But in that second, he was about to move his arms Clint was already back on the stairs and turned around to walk down into their bedroom. “Good night, love!” Bucky called but then he realised Clint already took his hearing aids out.
Musing about what was going on in this boyfriend’s mind Bucky headed back for his laptop, looked at Steve and swore he just saw Tony’s black curls disappearing from his sight. He smirked.
“Jeez, you two use every damn opportunity to make out, don’t you?”
Tony’s laughing face appeared next to Steve’s.
“C’mon, you were the one telling Steve to hold on to do whatever with your archer boy!”
“Oh, shut your mouth!” Bucky laughed. “And how’d you even know it was him? It could have been everyone else from the house walking up here. The sunset is amazing to watch from rooftop.”
“Hey pal, I’ve never seen a more worried or happier look on your face whenever you look at Clint since you fell for him and that means a lot! Remember when you were nuts about that redhead? I think you called her Dot or something”, replied Steve.
Bucky grinned. “Yeah, I do. She was quite cool.”
Steve had to laugh. “Quite? You’d have done anything for her, man!”
“Ya I remember, but she must be a hundred years old by now...”
“So are we pal, when exactly was that again?”
“I dunno, you’re the one of us who remembers every fucking detail from that time, not me.”
“Alright!” Tony clapped his hands. “I’m gonna let you reminisce about the time before I was born, super soldiers.” He smirked, quickly kissed Steve on the cheek, waved to Bucky and went out of the room.
When Tony had closed the door, Steve sighed. “So, c’mon tell me, what’s going on? I saw you were worried even before you turned away from the camera.”
“Uh…” Bucky scratched his neck, a little confused due to the quick change of topic.
“’m not sure though… Clint acts kinda weird for a couple o’ days now. I know he doesn’t sleep. He lies next to me fully awake and I always notice it when he gets up in the middle of the night even when he tries to be as quiet as possible. But in the morning the bed next to me is always empty. You should see the shadows under his eyes, man… He drinks way more coffee than usual – although I’m surprised that that’s even possible. He doesn’t talk much, only seldomly has his aids in. I mean, sure, we can talk in sign language but him being able to hear makes things a lot easier, you know? It’s just-“ He sighed. “I’m scared that he thinks that he cannot trust me or tell me when he’s plagued by something, ‘cuz he currently doesn’t tell me anything.”
Steve's expression was genuinely compassionate. “Did you try to talk to him?”
“Nah… not really. I mean I asked if he was okay, but he just put me off. I haven’t found the right moment yet. Dunno how…”
“I don’t think he doesn’t trust you. Remember how lovingly he cared for you during your early recovery? And that was even before you were together. Though he already had a huge crush on you at that time... at least according to Tony.”
They both smiled.
Bucky remembered how Clint was there for him literally all the time, especially when Steve wasn’t in the Stark Tower because he was on a mission. Steve and Clint were the only people he trusted back then. Once when he had one of his terrible flashbacks and Steve wasn’t around to get him back into reality, Clint tried to calm him down and ended up with a partially fractured wrist, because Bucky hadn’t recognised him. He even let Bucky shatter his hearing aids because he thought they were some sort of communication device by HYDRA and wasn’t mad at him for a second afterwards. The whole situation only came to an end because Clint talked to him in Russian that they were friends and Bucky was safe where he was. In the following months in which Clint could neither shoot an arrow properly nor hold a frying pan, they somehow recovered together and got closer. Clint told him some things about his past as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and spy and how he met Natasha.
Steve must have noticed that Bucky was deep in thought as he softly interrupted him. “Buck?”
“Huh? ...Oh, shit sorry man. I’m-”
“No, it’s alright. But I was just thinking… you know he suffers from PTSD, don’t you?”
“Of course, I do. Who do you think I am? I’d be the worst boyfriend ever, if I didn’t keep that in mind.” He made a sad face and sighed. “No, that’s not it. Well at least it’s different from his usual panic attacks and flashbacks. They ain’t that long termed. I mean, sure, it takes him a while to deal with the aftermaths and he doesn’t talk much during these phases. But if he does, he’s always open and honest. You know... fuck who am I talking to, of course you know, all three of us suffer from this bullshit. All the symptoms are well-known: nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia, no physical contact without permission, phantom limb pain ...”
“... feeling emotionally numb, sudden crying fits, indifference towards everything and so on, and so on.” Steve automatically added.
“Exactly.” Bucky sighed. “It’s the intensity that scares me, Steve. This is new. Or it isn’t and I’ve just never seen him in such an awful condition. I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.”
He tore his hair out.
“If it’s getting worse, I can assure you, you can bring him here immediately at any time, okay? Tony’ll do everything possible and impossible to get docs and meds here etc. If it stays at that level, I’d call his therapist even if he refuses to, but I think you must talk to him first. Well, you and Nat probably know him and his past the best, so maybe talk to her too. The only thing I do know is, that Clint dealt with a lot of shit in his past and wasn’t really used to being loved from the bottom of somebody’s heart. Maybe this shows up from time to time as well.”
Bucky smoothed some strands of hair behind his ear and thought about Steve’s line of thought. “Yeah, could be...”, he said after a while. “Thank you, man, give Tony a hug from me. Seriously he’s doing so much for every one of us.” He flexed his metal arm, which Tony looked over from time to time to upgrade or repair some things.
Steve smiled. “Yeah I’ll do. I bet he’ll be hella surprised by the sudden amount of love and homages by you.” He chuckled before becoming serious again with a caring expression on his face. “You just should talk to him soon, Buck.”
“I know...”
And then they started to talk about other things. Easier things. About love and music and how they both missed the 40s but at the same time were immensely glad they could live in such a tolerant time now. About their childhood and early teens when everything seemed simpler, easier compared to the complexity and speed of the present time. They told each other anecdotes from the war and how Bucky always had to protect Steve from brawls. They only skipped Bucky’s Soviet past as none of them wanted to kill the mood nor knew how Bucky would react. They deep-talked for hours until Bucky yawned and dozily grinned at Steve.
“Fuck, pal I’m damn tired and here are like a thousand of mosquitoes by now.” He slapped his arm to kill one. “Thanks for the talk, man, I really needed that.”
“Sure Buck, I did too.”
Bucky yawned again and rubbed his eyes.
“Damn, you really should go to bed” Steve laughed.
“Alright,” Bucky stretched. “Talk to you tomorrow, good night. I love you brother.”
Steve smiled.
“Good night! Love you too. And... you promise me to talk to Clint as soon as you can?”
“I do.”
Bucky waved and then closed his laptop. It was way past midnight and by now the air was cool and refreshing and not as hot and sweltering as about noon. Maybe he should come here more often at this time. He stood up, stretched again and then walked down the stairs to silently slip into the apartment. No offense but in this case, he was definitely better than Clint due to his nearly 70 years of extended, but unwanted life experience.