Chapter 2
Bucky was just about to undress to take a quick shower before going to bed, as he heard the sound of shattering glass followed by a half frustrated half desperate cry. His tiredness was immediately gone and his whole body tensed. The scream came out of the kitchen. He flexed his metal hand, ready to beat the shit out of everyone who just might have broken in and rushed into the room. It was completely dark.
“Clint?” he called loudly.
Instead of an answer he heard convulsive sobbing. Cautiously he moved around the kitchen island and finally caught a sight of his boyfriend. Clint sat on the cold tiling, leaned against the kitchen island and was heavily crying. His head had sunken on to his chest while his arms and legs lay motionless next to him. He was surrounded by countless splinters of glass and blood was dripping from his right hand.
Bucky felt his heart beating in his throat. He hunkered down, not sure if he could touch him. Clint must have noticed Bucky’s moving shadow because he startled and then stared at him with pure panic in his eyes. Bucky rose his hands and then slowly started talking to him in sign language.
Clint! Do you know who I am? Do you know where you are? If you don’t, stay calm. You can trust me. I won’t hurt you.
In the bright moonlight that was shining through the window he could see Clint’s eyes scampering around. Then slowly he lifted his shaking hands and looked at Bucky, tears still running down his cheeks.
You’re Bucky and I am at home... in our kitchen.
Alright , Bucky signed. Is it okay for you, if I touch you?
Clint heavily nodded and Bucky crawled over, pulling him in a hug. He softly wrapped his arms around Clint’s shivering body, who pressed himself against Bucky’s chest, shaken by new sobs.
“Shhhhhh... I’m here. I got you, love. I got you. It’s alright. I got you.” Bucky whispered, slowly stroking Clint’s back up and down. He was aware of Clint couldn’t hear him but now he was so close that the archer could feel the vibration of his voice. Clint latched onto Bucky and pressed his face into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. Then suddenly he began to breathe sharply and fast and his whole body cramped.
“Bucky… I don’t hear anythin’. I don’t hear anythin’! I... my ears... Help me! I can't hear you!” he shouted while letting go of him and pressing his hands on his ears, angst-ridden and in disbelief.
Bucky got up and sprinted into their bedroom, grabbed Clint’s hearing aids and ran back. He wanted to help Clint up, but meanwhile the archer lay on the floor screaming like hell as if he was in terrible pain, hands still pressed on his ears. Bucky leaned over him and grabbed him under the arms and carried him to the sofa that stood nearby. He tried to pull Clint’s hands away as gently as possible, but as he didn’t succeed, he took a deep breath and said: “Okay Clint, you're gonna hate me for this right now but I don’t what else to do.” He crawled over him and pinned Clint’s hands down with his metal arm. Clint heavily combated against it but against the strength of the metal arm he had no chance. He choked out a few fragments of words but couldn’t really say anything because he was sobbing so much. A few moments later Bucky was finally able to put the hearing aids in place.
“Clint? Can you hear me now?” he asked, letting his wrists go and immediately sliding a bit backwards to give him space.
Clint lay on the couch, heavily breathing and touching his ears to adjust the aids. His voice was quiet and raspy because he had screamed himself hoarse and it was still wavering as he began to speak.
“Yeah... I- I can...”
Bucky stared down on his feet.
“I’m sorry, I just- ... you didn’t stop screaming and I somehow had to put the aids in. Did I hurt you too much?”
Clint, still panting, stared at the ceiling and reached out to Bucky's metal hand to interlace their fingers.
“It’s alright. It didn’t hurt too much. At least not as bad as when you nearly broke my wrist with this, remember?” He faintly smirked and Bucky mumbled ashamed: “Please, don’t remind me of this.”
He stroked Clint's hand with his metal thumb that quietly buzzed and then softly took his other blood-smeared hand.
“Let’s just sanitize this. You think you can walk to the bathroom?”
“ ‘Guess so...”
They got up and Bucky put his left arm around Clint's shoulders so he could lean on him. In the bathroom Clint sat down on the toilet lid and Bucky searched for some patches.
As the disinfectant touched the cuts Clint squint his face but he didn’t say anything. Bucky hunkered down in front of him and gently put a couple of band-aids on them. Eventually he softly kissed the back of Clint’s hand and looked up to his boyfriend.
“What can I do for you, love? You think you can sleep?” he asked.
“Nah... I don’t think sleep is the best thing to do right now. I’m afraid this shit might start again. Can we just lay on the couch? You know, the way we do when I’m watching TV and you’re reading and listen to some music or something?”
“Sure.” Bucky smiled warmly and then carried Clint back to the couch.
He crawled onto the cushions, spread his legs that Clint could sit between them and lean his back against Bucky’s chest. Bucky pulled a blanket over them, put some calm music on shuffle and wrapped his arms around Clint. The archer snuggled against his body but didn’t seem to be able to calm down. He slightly moved around and pressed his fingers against each other until the knuckles got white. His body was still tensed, and he breathed irregularly.
Although Bucky couldn't see his eyes in this position, he could feel that Clint's thoughts were miles and years away from now.
“Hey” Bucky whispered, slowly starting to stroke Clint's neck right at that point where he knew Clint would melt in his arms. He let his fingernails run down Clint’s skin down to the hem of his top and Clint hummed and started to relax a bit.
“What's agonising you? Wanna tell me what’s been going on during the last couple o' days?”
He softly kissed Clint on the head and the archer curled up a little more in his arms. He stared at the ceiling and rubbed his eyes that were red from crying.
“It’s just... uh“ He shakingly inhaled.
“I got an unusual heavy flashback that night when you went out with Steve and Bruce. I didn’t want you to know because you’ve got so much stuff yourself you gotta deal with. So I just… tried to hide it which given the situation that I am laying here in your arms right now obviously didn’t work out very well.”
Clint laughed sarcastically as if he was mad at himself that he was so bad at hiding his desolate condition. Bucky let his fingers run through the blond mess of his lover’s hair.
“Thank you for making me tell you this… I think otherwise I would’ve ended up in a spiral of self-hate. Hating myself for being bad at hiding that I feel like a piece of shit and on the other hand hating myself for not trusting you with this.” Clint murmured and avoided Bucky’s eyes.
“I’m sorry…”
“Hey…” Bucky gently lay his right palm on Clint’s cheek what made him eventually look into Bucky’s face. To his surprise it wasn’t filled with a single bit of anger.
“I am not mad at you, babe. How could I be? You have every right to deal with the flashbacks you are having and if it is to sort some things out before you tell me, if you even feel the need to tell me, that is more than okay. I won’t judge you for that, okay?”
He kissed Clint on the forehead.
“Do you wanna talk about the flashback?”
“Yeah…” Clint murmured, adjusted his position in Bucky’s arms and then he began to talk.
“So… back in Budapest, when I was sent to kill Natasha is also the place where I lost my hearing…” Clints hands were shaking now and Bucky tightened his hug.
“Nat had just blown up Dreykov and his daughter as we got into a fight with the Hungarian special forces. One if their grenades exploded right next to my head and, you know... the only memories that are left, are that I flew four, five meters back and landed on my side and the only thing I remember after that is this pain. Just pure pain. I could taste the dust, see the debris falling, feel my sticky hot blood on my neck but I just couldn’t hear anythin’-”
His voice broke and Bucky hold him tight, wanting to make him feel safe. Clint turned around so that they now lay chest to chest and buried his face in Bucky’s shoulder. He cried quietly and Bucky slowly stroke his back. He pulled the blanket a little higher that it fully covered Clint’s back and then he lay his chin on the blond hair.
“We somehow made it outta there and hid in the ceiling of the next subway station for two days. The doctors later said they probably could’ve saved some of my hearing but since we had to hide for so long it was way too late. So, while I was laying there, and Nat did her best to keep me conscious we started talking in sign language which was part of both of our training, and it became a thing.”
Clint rubbed his face and sighed exhaustedly.
“I- I’m so sorry. You...” he interrupted himself, trying to find the right words. “You nearly got me with the hug in the kitchen. I mean, damnit, I talked to you ‘n stuff but then I just lost my shit. I don’t even know what triggered me, but suddenly I was all back there. Just right after the explosion and I could feel the pain as if it really happened again. And tonight I couldn’t sleep like to last couple o’ days and I just wanted to grab a glass of water but then… I dunno it all came back so suddenly that I cracked the glass and then I felt like such a failure. Like what kinda soldier is too dumb to hold a glass of water.”
“You know,” Bucky said hoarse. “When I fell down from the train and my arm got literally teared out of my shoulder, I didn’t even realise what happened until I hit the ground and the snow started to turn red. I should have died but Zola had already injected me some serum before, so I was still half aware of what was going on. The pain came so suddenly it nearly knocked me out. And I just lay there screaming the shit outta my lungs till I eventually fainted from the blood loss. The thing I’m trying to say is that I know that pain. I know what you went through and what it’s like to lose a part of your body, of yourself, you’ve never even imagined you could lose. And once you lost it, you rather wanna die immediately than having to live with this bullshit. You’re not alone with this, Clint and you are not a failure. You are everything to me.”
Bucky kissed him on the head and hold him tight and it felt like he didn’t only want to comfort Clint but that he needed something to hold on to right now too.
Clint was well aware of the weight of Bucky’s words. They had never spoken about the circumstances in detail of how each of them got injured because both knew how hard it was to relive these moments. How hard it was to allow the pain to come back which they so desperately tried to push to the back of their minds, in their everyday life. To find the balance that on the one hand the pain was so real that it could be put into words and on the other hand so low that it did not seamlessly turn into a panic attack.
Clint could feel that it was very hard for Bucky to find this balance right now, because his breath became more shuddering although he tried not to show it. The archer lifted himself up a bit that his chest was pressed on Bucky’s and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck.
“I love you, Buck! I love you more than anything and I’m so grateful to share this life with you. No matter how much shit we have to deal with and how much we’ve gone through, okay?”
He murmured against Bucky’s skin and pulled a strand behind his ear.
“I love you too, babe” Bucky whispered and pulled Clint even closer to kiss him properly.