Chapter 10
Sam's conversation with his sister left him rather hurt. That was just another downside of being off his suppressant, his emotions were all over the place. The omega wouldn't dare cry though, no matter how hard her words hit. Her reasoning was truthful, astoundingly so but he didn't want to apply that to himself. Happiness was one thing, but a bond...now that was just crazy. And the two had absolutely nothing to do with each other. There was no correlation at all. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
But in all honesty, Sam wasn't happy, not even a little bit. The poor boy was miserable. He hated being an omega. He hated the way people treated him. He hated Bucky for leaving. He hated just about everything, including himself. So Sarah's question was valid, "Why can't you be happy, too?"
The question was far too complicated to answer. He tried to ignore it for the time being. But at the end of the day when all was said and done, Sam would think about it. He'd think of all the reasons why he couldn't be happy. Why he couldn't have Barnes. Why he felt so undeserving of everything. And then maybe he'd build a nest and cry. Quietly though, so as not to alert anyone of his feelings. It'd be just for him.
He had planned on doing so, but when the end of the day came he felt worse somehow. Like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. And as he watched his sister cuddle up with her kids he wondered if he could ever have something as special. That alone would be a reason to be happy. But settling down and having pups was never his dream, to be frank, it just didn't sound like something for him. Especially now, after going from one doctor to the next, the threat of infertility looming over his head. It just wasn't fair. Yeah, he hated being an omega, without a doubt but he couldn't help but wonder what life would be like had he pups of his own. Ones that look like him and talk like him, ones that he conceived.
That wasn't his reality, it might never be. So sucking up a pained expression he joined the rest of his family on the couch, cuddling up to them just as he always did—not in any way or shape a result of bond sickness. Though Sarah would probably beg to differ, she'd never seen her brother so open, so wanting. As he took a seat next to her the kids moved closer, welcoming him into their little huddle. His scent sweetened at the action, though his sister didn't need to smell him to know this helped. It was all over his face as he held onto AJ and Cass, a ghost of a smile tugging on his lips.
They stayed like that till it was time for the boys to go to bed. By then he'd felt lighter and calm but their absence brought on a painful headache. He popped a few Advil and returned to the couch, just as ready for bed as the rest of the family. But sleep wouldn't come easy. The couch was comfortable and roomy, a decent enough place to take a nap. His own bed would have been better, but Bucky's scent still lingered. It was everywhere, in his sheets, in his clothes, and in his mind. Sometimes he'd even wake with a cry, his name on his tongue. Remembering him, remembering the way he left replayed in the head night after night. Of all the trauma-induced nightmares he's suffered, this was the one that hurt the most.
Sam had just woken up when his sister came back downstairs. "The boys are asleep. You should be too."
"I was, but then your big ass mouth woke me up." He joked, knowing the conversation they were about to have.
"Sam," she sighed, "I know your hurting."
"Huh, you smell it on me?" He didn't really want to know.
"Yes...but I also see it all over your face. You won't even smile anymore."
"I smile plenty." He grinned at her just to prove a point. "See that, a smile."
"Don't do that, you look constipated." She said, causing him to drop the act. "Listen, I think you should consider taking the doctor's advice. I can't watch you kill yourself, Sam."
"I'm not killing myself, Sarah." He replied in a cold tone. "And even if I was I wouldn't call Barnes, or get an alpha service. There's no need, I can take care of myself."
"An untreated bond sickness leads to death, especially in omegas. Now, whether or not you believe that is another thing, but you have to know that this isn't healthy. Seriously, Sam you've gone through more pain meds this week than an opioid addict." She wanted so badly to scream, anything to get point across to him. "I know you can take care of yourself, you always have. But you're no longer moonlighting as a beta. You need an alpha to take care of you."
"Why, cause you think I'm just some helpless omega?" He sneered as his heart ached.
"Because you're a mess! An absolute mess and you need help, Sam."
They were both taken back by her burst of anger and they didn't speak for the rest of the night. Truthfully, he was just too tired to argue because he knew he wasn't a mess. He had a few issues but that didn't mean he needed an alpha to baby him. Or his sister for that matter. As much as he wanted to stay on the couch the tension was too much to handle and he was oversensitive. His room still smelled like Bucky when he got there, that made him want to cry too. So he did, just as he planned to.
Sam stayed in his room all night and all day. Isolating himself only worked for so long, until night fell. Then there was a knock on the door and a familiar voice talking to him through the walls.
"Sam, it's me." Bucky said standing outside his bedroom. "Can I come in?"
The no answer card would have worked on Sarah, but he was a different breed. He should've known the old man wanted to see his face. "Please, baby let me in." His begging did nothing to stop the tears from gathering in Sam's eyes.
The door was already unlocked when he burst in. The sudden sound causing the omega to jump in fright, though he should have expected it. Bucky wouldn't just leave without an answer.
"Go away." He croaked pathetically.
"Now Doll, you know I can't do that." He said sitting beside him on the bed, "If I stayed away from you any longer, I might just die."
"You'd be fine."
"Fine, maybe." He said, but couldn't help but add, "But I wouldn't be happy. Not without you." Moving closer he grabbed Sam's hand, holding it gently in his own.
"I'm sorry, I-"
When Sam didn't pull away he continued, interrupting him in the process. "It's okay, I understand now that you thought you needed space. You were angry and I chose to leave. It's not your fault, Sam."
"Still, you're my...friend. I shouldn't have done that, not after everything you did for me." Sam admitted painfully.
"No, you shouldn't have. But we both made mistakes. And I'm sorry too, for everything."