Chapter 3
Bucky’s legs were trembling as he reentered the main room of the cafe. Natasha had given him all the information. The whole thing felt so weird. In a way it was the best possible thing Steve could have said, but it was also threatening his entire world view. He had been so sure of certain truths for all those years and now he didn’t know what to trust.
His eyes fell on the blond on the table and he had to stop to take a deep breath. His face was cleaned up and his nose was swollen but had the right angle again. Phil, Bucky assumed.
Steve hadn’t noticed him yet, so Bucky took a moment to just stare. He looked… he looked like a mess. Somehow that comforted Bucky. If he reacted like this, maybe he actually cared?
“Hello Steve,” Bucky called out as he was lead to the table by Sam, the other man’s hand resting on the small of his back.
“Bucky!”, Steve gasped, jumping up. He lifted a hand, but quickly dropped it. “Would you mind- Can I…?”
“Just hug me already, dumbass,” Bucky grinned and was immediately pulled in. Huh, this felt strange. His Stevie used to be so small, now his chin was resting on Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky could feel the strong muscles shifting under his shirt when he wrapped his arms around Steve’s back.
“You are alive. You are real. You are here. I love you,” Steve sobbed over and over again. It took him a long time to let go. Bucky would have been crying too, had he not been so exhausted.
“You are actually here. And- And awake! When did you wake up?”, Steve asked when they finally parted.
“After four months,” Bucky told him softly.
The reaction he got was unexpected.
“Four months? I could have had you back after just…”, Steve’s panicked voice turned into a helpless wheeze and his hand shot up to his throat and chest as he tried to suck in air.
Bucky blinked at him for a second, before jumping into action. Steve was just wearing sweatpants and a long sleeved running shirt, no backpack in sight. Bucky shoved his hands into Steve’s pockets. Phone, wallet, headphones, keys… no inhaler.
“Sam!”, he called out to his boyfriend, who was just standing there in shock. “Where is his inhaler?”
“I don’t think he has one?”
Bucky saw red. “But he’s been running!”
He whirled around to Natasha, who had been helping Phil but was now staring at them, just like everyone else in the cafe. “Nat! My backpack!”, he told her before guiding Steve to sit down and make him lean fore ward to help his breathing.
“Keep calm, Stevie. I’ve got you.”
Natasha returned from the kitchen and threw the backpack to Sam who handed it to Bucky. Quickly Bucky searched for one of the smaller pockets. He sighed happily when his fingers finally closed around cold metal.
“Okay, here you go, deep breath now,” Bucky said as he pressed the mouth piece between Steve’s teeth. The blond let out a short cough and Bucky gave him another dose. It took a few minutes for his breathing to even out again, but the medicine was working.
“Why- Why do you have that?”, Steve asked when he caught his breath.
“Used to know this kid,” Bucky chuckled. “Skinny little bastard. Would try to climb mountains even though his lungs weren’t working.”
“Sounds like a cool guy,” Steve grinned.
“The coolest,” Bucky agreed.
“Do you want to know him again?”
“Maybe,” Bucky sighed, but that seemed to be enough for Steve, who just let himself fall against his chest.
Bucky looked around to find Natasha, Sam and Phil all looking at him strangely. “Okay, I think we need to talk,” he told Steve. My shift ends in two hours, maybe we could-”
“Can’t you ask for some time off?” Sam asked at the same time as Nat started laughing hysterically.
“Bucky,” Phil groaned. “Just leave.”
Bucky nodded at his boss and got up, offering his hand to Steve.
“Do you want to come to mine, or…?”, Steve asked.
Bucky frowned. He logically knew Steve wasn’t a threat, but… He was so big now. And Bucky had spent a couple of years convinced the man hated him.
“I will escort you two to our place and then go for a walk,” Sam told them, wrapping an arm around Bucky’s waist.
“Thank you,” Bucky sighed as he leaned in. He was so glad to have Sam by his side.
…...
They walked home in silence, Sam comforting Bucky with light touches until they had to part at the door. Bucky let Steve up to the apartment where they settled down on the sofa.
“Okay, let’s begin. I think there is a lot of stuff we need to go over,” Buck sighed as he leaned forward.
“Whatever you need, Buck,” Steve promised eagerly.
“Oh…” Bucky scratched the back of his neck. “Could you please not call me that anymore?”
Steve’s face fell. “I’m sorry.”
“No, not like that! It’s just… Sam calls me that now.”
The blond looked close to tears again. “I understand.”
“Stevie, he’s my boyfriend,” Bucky tried to explain.
“Bucky, it’s fine, really, I-”
“Jesus Christ! Stop it with the puppy eyes! I just can’t have you call me something I hear him moan every day!”
Bucky could feel his face go red as Steve’s eyes widened. “Oh…”
“Yeah…”
“Every day?!”
Bucky grinned. “Well… We live together. We got together less than a month ago and were roommates first, so…”
Steve looked a bit sick now. “Yeah, got it.”
A horrible feeling settled in Bucky’s stomach. “Wait, do you have a problem with us? What the fuck, Rogers? If you came here to judge me-”
“No! No, please don’t send me away!”, Steve interrupted him, gripping his metal hand tightly. “I- I’m bi, okay? I’m not judging!”
“Oh,” Bucky said, a lot calmer. “Sorry, I-”
“No, it’s fine,” Steve sighed. They sat in silence for a bit, until Steve spoke again. “Can- can we start again?”
“Yeah. Yeah okay. I- I need you to clear up some things.”
Steve nodded eagerly and Bucky began with the interrogation. “Why did you think I was dead?”
Steve looked down, his hands trembling. “I came to the hospital. Every day. Would have slept there if they hadn’t stopped me. Sat by your bed for three weeks. You looked so- so small.”
“I’m here now,” Bucky reassured him. Even after all those years he still felt the need to protect Steve. “We’re both big and strong now.”
Steve smiled at him and continued “One day I was stopped outside the hospital by your dad. He had come by a few times, but never stayed long. He told me you had died.”
Bucky’s eyebrows drew together in confusion and anger. “And you believed him? Just like that?”
“He was very convincing,” Steve said, followed by a choked off sob.
“There is more to it, isn’t it, Stevie?”, Bucky asked gently.
Steve flinched a little and gave him a small shrug. “He- he was yelling. I finally understood what it must have felt like for you when he got so angry. He pushed me. Broke two of my fingers.”
Blinding hot rage took away Bucky’s voice for a second. “That bastard touched you?!”, he hissed once he was able to.
Steve finally met his eyes. The look on his face scared Bucky. So empty and sad. “Your father told me I was to blame. That I took his son from him. Ruined you forever. Ma wanted to sue him, but I knew he was right. If I hadn’t-”
Once he understood, Bucky let out a hysterical laugh. He tried to catch his breath, but it was just too much. Tears started running down his face as he fell into another fit of giggles.
“Bucky?” The desperation and fear in Steve’s voice helped him to calm down a bit.
“Sorry, sorry, I just-”, he paused as he thought about Steve’s words again. “You are not to blame for the fall, by the way. But… Stevie, he didn’t mean that.”
“What?”
“I’m gay,” Bucky laughed.
“Uh… yeah?”
Suddenly nothing was funny anymore. “He found out. While I was in coma.”
“Oh…” Bucky could pinpoint the moment Steve really thought about it. “Oh god. Bucky, what…?”
“It was bad,” Bucky whispered flatly. “Really bad. Physically, verbally, emotionally… he did a number on me, not gonna lie.”
Bucky took a deep breath, pushing down all the contradicting and confusing emotions. “He thought it was you, you know? My male friend I was spending all my time with. He wasn’t upset I got hurt, he was angry because I was queer.”
A million different emotions flickered over Steve’s face. “I believed him. When he said it was my fault. That I killed my best friend.”
“I did too. He told me many terrible things about myself. I just started unlearning them.”
“Six years? You lived like that for six years?”, Steve asked horrified.
Bucky just ignored that. “What happened next?”
“A month later Ma got an offer for a new job. I told her to go. She wanted to stay close, for you. He never told us where the grave was, now I see why,” Steve chuckled humorlessly. “I made her accept. She was… not well.” Steve took his hands. “You are her son, Bucky. My brother.”
Those words send another rush of feelings through Bucky he didn’t understand and didn’t have the energy to pick apart. “How is she now?”
Steve smiled a little. “Good. We moved to a small town. Ma found a nice house with a beautiful garden.” He paused, giving Bucky an unsure look. “There… There is this forest nearby. Kinda ironic to put it on a hiking trail, but you were so happy that day…”
“It?”
Steve shrugged helplessly. “A stone. I made it myself. Got your name on it. And the dates. Ma goes there every Sunday, no matter the weather. We put down flowers, sometimes toys or letters…”
Bucky saw how his bottom lip began to tremble. He still got the same look on his face when he was about to cry. “Well, you can still give me gifts once a week if you like,” he joked.
“Jerk.”
“Punk.”
“Bucky, I- if I take the bike my apartment is just 15 minutes away.”
“Steve-”
“I don’t need much.” the grip on his hands became tighter. “And- could we just hang out a bit? Would you be okay with that?”
Before Bucky could answer, a knock at the door interrupted them.
“I need to-”
“Yes! Yes of course,” Steve nodded, letting go of his hands. Surprisingly, Bucky missed the contact as he got up. He opened the door and almost started crying again when he saw who it was.
“Hello darling! Samuel forgot one of his textbooks at my place I just wanted to- Are you alright?”
Instead of answering, Bucky just pulled him close, burying his nose in his neck to breathe in the comforting scent of his shampoo.
“James?”, Zemo asked concerned when Bucky finally pulled back. Then his eyes fell on Steve. “Oh, and who is that?”
“I, Zemo I can explain,” Bucky blurted out.
Zemo chuckled at that. “Right… because that doesn’t sound suspicious at all. Are you a friend of James’?”, he asked, looking directly at Steve, who seemed unsure how to answer that question.
“Zemo, that’s Steve,” Bucky finally said.
“Nice to meet you, Steve.”
“No, you don’t understand. That’s my Stevie.”
“Your…?”, Zemo’s eyes turned cold as he stared at the man on the couch. “Oh. That nose looks broken.” He gently took Bucky’s flesh hand. “Your knuckles look fine.” Zemo switched to the metal hand. “Any damage?”
“It wasn’t me,” Bucky explained.
Zemo nodded. “Who needs a layer?”
“No one!”, Steve interrupted suddenly. “It’s fine.”
“Stevie…”, Bucky sighed. “I’m glad you won’t try to go against Nat, but I am still not okay with you being covered in blood. That hasn’t changed.”
Steve flinched at the mention of blood and his eyes flickered to Bucky’s shoulder.
“What…? Oh. You saw it all, didn’t you?”
Steve nodded. Before Bucky could speak again, a soft hand landed on his cheek. “James, I don’t want to interrupt, but why is he allowed here?”
“It’s complicated, but basically he never betrayed me and we are both gonna cry about it now,” Bucky shrugged. Then he remembered something. “Oh! Steve, this is Zemo. The older rich guy who keeps dragging me to his apartment to do unspeakable things to me.”
“James!”, Zemo gasped.
“I’m kidding! He’s just my boyfriend,” Bucky grinned.
“Just? I am deeply offended, but we can deal with that later. I am sensing you are having an important, private conversation?”, Zemo asked, once more perfectly understanding what Bucky needed.
“Sorry, doll.”
Zemo smiled softly and leaned in for a quick kiss. “That’s perfectly alright. I am assuming you would like some support later. Consider my scheduled for today cleared.”
“Could you…?”
“Stay close and come back should you need company?”
Bucky closed his eyes as he pulled his boyfriend in for another hug. “I love you so damn much.”
“I love you too, darling. Does Samuel know about this already?”
“He does. Actually… Could you just ask him for the details? I need to…”, he gestured to Steve.
“Of course, see you later.”
“He seems nice,” Steve commented flatly after Zemo had left.
“He is. Why do you hate my boyfriends?”, Bucky asked.
“I don’t-”
“Every time I mention them, you look absolutely scandalized.”
Steve shook his head. “It’s not them. It’s… It’s sex. In my mind, you never aged.” He wrapped his arms around his stomach, leaning forward a little. “Every time I did something new, had my first kiss, learned how to drive, went to a school dance… I saw your face, that 14 year old boy who never got to grow up because I failed him.”
Bucky understood what he meant, but the broken look on his face was not acceptable. “Well, guess what, you didn’t fail me. I do get a lot of kisses, while Nat will tell you I suck at it, I actually can drive and I went to a school dance.”
Steve grinned at that. The first truly happy smile he had gotten since they started talking. “Yeah?”
“Nat took me. Dad loved that,” Bucky chuckled bitterly. “Thought I was finally turning straight. We fake dated for a bit, you know? But at the dance we hung out with our friend Clint and got drunk as fuck. It was a glorious night,” he told Steve with a proud grin.
“Natasha, she said things are well now? You have friends and a good job and all that?”, Steve asked, his big blue eyes wide and hopeful.
“Yup. I- Look, I am still kinda messed up, but I am on the right track.”
It was silent for a long moment, before Steve reached out for his hand again. “You said… your Stevie?”
“You are,” Bucky agreed.
“Still?”
“Always. But…”, Bucky frowned, trying to find the right words. “I am not your Buck anymore. We were so young back then. I changed. We can’t just go back to the way it was. We need to build something new.”
“I would love that,” Steve told him, real hope and happiness in his eyes. “Bucky… I know I am in no position to ask for anything-”
“Steve, I don’t blame you,” Bucky interrupted him. “I am hurt. I don’t know how to trust you. All those feelings are there and they are very real. It will take time and we need to start slow, but I don’t blame you. So please stop it with the puppy eyes and self-loathing. I can’t stand to see you like that.”
“I will try…”, Steve sighed. “It’s not about me, it’s Ma. Could you call her? I can explain everything to her. Please Bucky, she just wants you back.”
Bucky’s breathing stopped. Sarah… Steve had said she still saw him as a son. He was just 20, deep inside he still felt like that frightened little boy who was so glad he had been allowed to soak up some of the warmth and love whenever he went to Stevie’s place.
“Okay let’s do it.”
Steve’s eyes widened. “Wait, right now?”
“Yeah, like ripping off a band-aid,” Bucky decided.
“Alright…”