the moon
“Riley, Riley come in, are you okay?” Sam shouted over the comms 1000 times and all he got back was static. And static. And then a scream. And finally, the smell of burning. Burning flesh. The burning of a future. A love and happiness that could’ve been, now up in flames.
Sam woke up with a shout that night, and realized that he was in a hotel room following a mission. He normally went straight home, but it was too late, and he was absolutely exhausted.
He had said those words to Steve, without even realizing it. Steve went down, and it looked identical to Riley. Sam was thankful that his wings were down soon after that, because he couldn’t have stayed in the air much longer. It was like a real life nightmare. So now, Sam was here, lying in a cold and dark hotel room, with nothing but his own breathing and his own sorrow to keep him company. It was going to be a long night.
~~~~~~~~~
Sam got home by noon, greeted by the smell of gumbo, and an immediate smile took over his face. “I’m back.” Sam said calmly, and he watched as Sarah whipped her head in his direction. “Took you long enough, there’s something wrong with that boat.” Sarah said with a smile.
“What now?” he made his way over to the food, but his hand was slapped away. “No way, step away from my food.” Sarah scolded, and Sam scoffed. “It’s my recipe.” Sam said with a pointed tone.
“It’s my recipe.”
“What- it’s mine.”
“In what world?”
“This one.”
Sarah shook her head, tasting a spoonful of her gumbo. “It’s mine.”
“How do you know?”
“Because it tastes good.” she said it like it’s obvious. Sam shuts his eyes, shaking his head. “It’s mine.” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Then why does it taste so good?” Sarah retorted, walking up the stairs. San sighed, a bit too dramatic. He took a glance at the gumbo, then the spoon. He spent a good minute staring at the two items in front of him. This was not happening. He grabbed the spoon and took a spoonful of the gumbo.
“Dammit, it is good.” Sam muttered, not hearing Sarah walking down the stairs. “Is it now?” Sarah said, loudly and pointedly. Sam rolled his eyes, turning in her direction. “Probably because it’s my recipe.” Sam said, without missing a beat. “Nope.” Sarah said smugly, popping the ‘p’ for extra effect. “Now, can you please go look at the boat with me? It’s doing some weird sputtering thing.”
Sam rolled his eyes, but was secretly grateful he got to work on the boat again. “Fine, fine.”
~~~~~~~~
Sarah and Sam sat on the edge of the dock, watching the water flow as the sunset, the boys running around behind them. “I really missed you, Sam. I really needed you.” Sarah said quietly. “I had to, I didn’t want to, but…” Sam trailed off, setting his hand on her shoulder. “No, I know, I’m sorry. Sarah, I can never explain to you how sorry I am.” he said, equally quietly. He met her eye, and couldn’t help but have a pang of guilt run through his heart as he noticed tears in her eyes. “I know Sam, and I’m sorry for what you had to deal with-”
“Hey, this ain’t about that, right? I chose to go off and do all those things. You had to- you were alone.” and Sam regretted that. He didn’t- if only he hadn’t gone and looked for Bucky, if only he hadn’t continued that first conversation with Steve. He could’ve just left it. But he didn’t. He could’ve watched his nephews grow up, but he didn’t.
“Sam-”
“No, no, Sar, you’ve been through the hell a few times already.”
“That doesn’t mean you haven’t, either.” Sarah retorted. Sam didn’t have a comeback for that. “Sam, you’re so hellbent on helping people, why don’t you let people help you?” that was the big question, right? A question that he should’ve been asked every day since he was 16. “Because the last time I did that…” Sam didn’t need to finish, didn’t want to finish. He never really knew why he couldn’t open up, but after both his parents passed, he closed himself off. He distracted himself. If someone else was hurting, then Sam wasn’t hurting. At it’s best, it was a bad coping mechanism. At it’s worst, it shut him down, and he never knew why.
“You learn anything from the VA?” Sarah questioned in a light tone, but they both knew that was a loaded question. Still, Sam chuckled. “How to help, how to heal.” Sam answered simply.
“Sam, you need to be doing that too, you know.” she advised, and somewhere, Sam knew she was right. It was buried somewhere deep in his heart, in his head, but it was there. He should listen to that small voice that tells him to slow down and heal. But he can’t, not without feeling ashamed, or vulnerable, or both. Sam doesn’t know. “You should too.” Sam said, avoiding the thought of it entirely. He left Sarah to handle everything on her own. He should’ve been here.
“You can’t rewrite the past. The only thing you can do now is know how you want your future to look.” as always, Sarah could read him like a book. Peer into his thoughts. And she was right. She was always right. “That is very wise.” Sam joked, causing Sarah to chuckle. “Motherly wisdom.” she said with a dreamy tone that was a bit exaggerated. He chuckled this time, his eyes wandering over to their reflections in the water.
“Remember when we took the boat out without Daddy or Ma knowin’?” Sarah asked wistfully, and Sam grinned, turning to look at Sarah. “God, how old were we?” Sam asked, a reminiscent smile on his face. “Was I 14?” Sam guessed, his eyebrows knitting together in thought. Sarah snapped her fingers and nodded her head. “Yep, that was the year you took all the neighbourhood kids fishing.”
“How do you remember this?” Sam questioned, a laugh dancing in his voice. “I don’t,” Sarah gestured to all the houses surrounding them. “They do.” Sam grinned, small laughs escaping his lips. Sarah laughed too, and for a moment, they felt like they were kids again. When life was simple, when they laughed and smiled. When they had each other. When everything was put together, when the pieces of their perfect life didn’t fall quite yet.
“We got caught in the storm, the time we took the boat out.”
“And we claimed we were tying the boat up.”
“Which was not fooling either of them.” they said in unison, grinning. “I was thrilled when Ma yelled at you, god, it was like heaven.” Sarah recalled, and Sam scoffed.
“What do you mean?” he asked defensively, tilting his head. His sister snorted a laugh, shaking her head. “Such a mommas boy.” Sarah said, clicking her tongue. Sam scoffed.
“Was not.”
“Was too.”
“How?” Sam asked, because he knew damn well she was right, but he could not let her win two arguments in a row.
“Momma never, ever blamed you. Perfect Sammy, that’s what she’d say.”
“Never happened.”
“That always happened.” Sarah said matter-of-factly, but Sam still denied it. “You’re actin’ like you never got favourited by Daddy, either.” he said, changing the subject. “I most certainly did not.” Sarah said, shaking her head. “Ha! Okay, sure.” Sam said, not believing a damn thing. Sarah gasped. “He didn’t!” she argued. “Neither did Ma, yet here we are.” Sam retorted. With the maturity of her sons, Sarah stuck her tongue out at Sam, before getting called over by the two hellraisers. She stood up with a sigh, making her way over to the two of them.
Sam grinned, feeling a cool breeze that nights like these brought. It was nice, the sun had set over the horizon, leaving the sky a hue of blues and purples, stars waiting to shine.
“Sam!” Sarah called out from the doorway, no doubt being dragged in by the boys either being exhausted, hungry, cold, or all 3.
“I’ll be inside in a few.” Sam called back, turning his head a bit. Shortly after, he heard the door close and smiled, leaning back, so he could see the sky in all its glory. The trees framed the mix of blues and purples perfectly, filled with small white sparkles that made the sky look like something from a fairy tale. How the moon peeked out from behind the trees, the pale light shining through the dark and thick trees.
“The moon shines bright in the night sky, but what would it be without the sun. The sun, the warmth of my heart, the light of the day, makes the moon shine too. The moon has imperfections, and at times, it will show it’s full self, at times it will not.”
Sam and Bucky stare up at the same moon, both thinking of simpler times. Bucky’s simpler times were Sam, were the letters. And Sam’s were his family. When everything wasn’t confusing, when it was calm. It was beautiful.
“And the sun, beautiful on the inside and the outside, and it has a fire of it, that the moon adores. And when the sun is gone, what will the moon do. The warmth that showed the cold, grey, moon that it was something beautiful.”
What Bucky forgot was that the sun loved the moon too. So much. But, the moon was confusing. It had grooves, it had parts where the sun couldn’t see. It’s something so mysterious, so intricate. But the sun thought it knew, thought that maybe, if the moon was with the sun, it could show it’s full self. But the moon never tried. The moon was as lost as the sun, orbiting and orbiting with no clear direction. But they knew they had each other. Until they didn’t. That’s when it crashed, that’s when it burned.
As powerful as a hurricane, and as intense as a flame, they collided. And that was it. One without the other. Gone forever and ever. Because they were both scared. So they hid. They hid amongst the trees, amongst the stars, amongst the waves. In the cold, and in the heat. Because that’s all they knew. That’s all they could do. The moon would stay put, surrounded by everything but taking nothing. The cold feeling of loneliness, that was like a pit you could never climb out of.
And the sun, the sun orbited around what it loved. It was pulled to it. The warmth of it all, the smiles, the struggles, the sweat, and the memories. But the warmth was never permanent, the warmth was a reminder of how it used to be balanced. Without warmth, there is no cold. With the sun, there is no moon. But, without trust, with respect, without understanding, there is no love.