because
“So, James, how have your nightmares been?” Bucky grimaced. He didn’t want to tell her the truth, mostly because he didn’t need to. He didn’t think he needed to. Raynor, obviously, thought differently. “I haven’t had any.” the lie fell smoothly from his lips, just like the last time she asked him that question, and the time before that, and the time before that. She shut her notebook, the sound of the paper hitting softly. Her pen was resting on the arm of the chair now, and her eyes stuck on Bucky. “Then what’s bothering you?”
That was a loaded question. Mostly because some many things were bothering Bucky. Sam. The shield. Making amends. Nightmares. The fact that it’s his birthday, and he’s already received a text from Sam, yet he’s such a horrible person he can’t even think to reply. He’s such a coward that he can’t respond to someone who means well. Who matters. Well, who mattered.
“Let me see your phone.” nope. No. Definitely not. Bucky looked away from the woman in front of him, keeping his phone hidden in his jacket. Raynor wasn’t stupid, fortunately or unfortunately for Bucky, so, she saw the way his hand slid to his jacket pocket, seemingly fidgeting with something. “What are you hiding, James?”
“Nothing, alright.” Bucky snapped, and shocked himself a bit. Raynor looked unfazed by the sudden outbursts. “Is this about Sam, because let me tell you James, this issue with Sam is a bit mind-boggling to me. You were, together, partners, if you will-”
Partners? Where the hell did Raynor get that idea? He never even told her. “We weren’t partners.” he corrected her in a sharp tone, jaw clenched. She put her hands up in defence, a small, knowing smirk on her face. She wasn’t having any of that. “Fine, but is this about Sam? I don’t care what the relationship was, just tell me.”
“Huh, that’s probably the first time you haven’t over stepped, look at you go.” Bucky muttered under his breath, and he knew she could hear him. By the way she raised an eyebrow and rolled her eyes, he knew she could hear him. “I guess it is.” he said flatly, still not meeting her eye. The notebook opened with a small click, and the pen started scratching on the paper immediately.
“How?”
“Because.” Because I hurt him. Because he still cares. Or is pretending to care. Because I still want to care. Because I’m a coward. Because I was blind. Because there’s a million things I want to say to him, but I can’t muster the strength to say one word. Because I’m in pain. And so is he. And we’re two broken parts of the same heart, that might never heal. Because why would it? Because, because, because
I was wrong.
“James.” Raynors voice snapped him from his thoughts, and he turned to face her. “Hello.” he said in a bitter tone, with a hint of mockery. “You were saying?” Raynor said, her eyes going from her paper to Bucky. He sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “Because… I- I, I’m confused.” his voice was suddenly small, weak. And that’s how he meant it to be. He stumbled over his words, feeling the words toss in his brain. “How can you make that better for yourself, James?” Raynor asked in her mandatory therapist voice that sounded so fake it almost made Bucky laugh. “Isn’t that what you’re here for, Doc? I mean, I clearly can’t solve my own problems, that’s why I’m here. So tell me, what should I do, Christina?” Raynor kept her posture calm, but she looked a bit taken aback.
“I think you should reach out to him, don’t you?” her tone matched Bucky’s, just with a bit more therapist. When Bucky stayed silent, she smacked her lips together, a tight smile on her face. “Why aren’t you reaching out?” Raynor said, a pause in between her words. Bucky sighed, fidgeting with his hands. “Why aren’t you-”
“I don’t know.” Bucky said bluntly, still not meeting her eye. “I suggest you figure it out quick.” Raynor advised, her eyes cutting daggers into Bucky’s skull. “Pass me your phone. Last session you talked about online dating.” oh yeah, he loathed that conversation. “So, I wanna see if you have any more numbers.” Bucky could feel his face heating up. Begrudgingly, he handed her his phone, already regretting it.
“You are ignoring everyone. You have five phone numbers, James. You need to be out in the world, you need to trust.” Bucky rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “I trust.”
“Ok, riddle me this, why aren’t you responding to Sam? If you trust people, why aren’t you responding to him? Someone I know you’ve trusted in the past.” Raynor isn’t giving up on this. Bucky only shrugged. He could feel the anger that radiated off of her, and he held back a grin. “Well that’s all our time.” Raynor announced, and tosses the phone back to Bucky, who caught it with ease. “Trust people.” is all she said as Bucky walked out of the room, grateful for the relief of that hellhole. He’d text Sam. He would.
~~~~~~~~
Ok, Sam was just gonna stop texting. This, whatever games Bucky was playing was pissing Sam off to no end. So, after sending Bucky a short: Happy birthday, Buck, and only getting a seen in return, he almost launched the phone at the wall. If Bucky didn’t want to play nice, be respectful, then Sam would stop trying to care. Sam would let him live his life, and Sam would live his. Nice and simple. And down the road, if they ever had to work together, they’d be mature. Because Sam is a respectful person. Maybe they’ll reconcile, maybe they’ll be friends. But right now, he can’t even think of that. He half wants to blow up on Bucky, tell him why he’s wrong, and why he can’t forgive him. And why he was so stupid, why he never understood- or even respected Sam’s decision. So, Bucky should consider himself pretty damn lucky that Sam was still texting him. That Sam had the thought to wish him happy birthday for gods sake.
His phone vibrated in his hand, and for a fleeting moment, he thought Bucky had come to his senses. Alas, it was only Joaquin with a new mission. Sam got up from his bed with a sigh, pocketing his phone. A good distraction.
~~~~~~~~
“Be safe.” Sarah said quietly to Sam, as he stood in the doorway, his duffle bag in hand. Sam offers her a lopsided smile. “Always am.” Sarah rolled her eyes, basically her way of saying not true. “Hey, save me some of that Jambalaya you’re cooking, yeah?” he added, his smile shrinking down to a smirk. “Whatever.” Sarah muttered, but Sam knew she’d save him a plate. “Bye Sar.”
“Bye Sam.”
~~~~~~~~~
The mission went fine, he got along with Joaquin great, the kid really likes hanging around him. It’s amusing. He does bring some good things to the table, he has a nice head on his shoulders. “Those things normally act up like that?” Torres asked from beside him once they were out of their gear. During the fight, the wings started acting weird, and apparently Joaquin noticed too. “Not normally, no, but it’s nothin’ I can’t fix.” Sam answered, running a hand over the wings.
“If you want, I could take a look at them.” Joaquin added, a smile that almost looked giddy on his face. Sam chuckled, shaking his head. “Thanks man, but I’m pretty sure my nephews would go insane if I let them watch me work on the wings.” Torres chuckled from beside him. “Fair enough.”
They both smiled, but Joaquin noticed the older mans smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
~~~~~~~~
“I knew you’d save me some of this.” Sam said over a bowl of the last of Sarah’s Jambalaya. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fantastic and everyone loves me, can we move on from it?” she said from the sink, washing dishes. Sam chuckled, a wide grin spreading over his lips. But when Sarah turned around, she noticed, just like Joaquin did, she noticed that his grin didn’t quite reach his eyes, like it had so many times before.
Her face must’ve shown what she was thinking, but Sam looked at her with concern. “You okay?” he asked, an eyebrow raised. “Are you?” she countered, the concern look on her face not fading away. “Yeah.” Sam said, a bit hesitant. She looked at him with more skepticism than concern now, but ended up dropping it.
Sam was thankful she did, because he didn’t need to have to dump another load of Bucky won’t respond, and I just don’t know what to do, because every time he did, he felt so guilty afterwards. They stayed in silence for a bit, almost a comforting silence, until Sarah left the kitchen to do some laundry, or clean up. Just something. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and as always, he thought it was Bucky. But no, it was… much more confusing than that.
Conditions of James Buchanan Barnes’ pardon
Ok, what? Sam raised an eyebrow at his phone, rereading the title of the email about 100 times. Why the hell was he sent Bucky’s pardon? Sam clicked on the email hesitantly. Who even sent it to him?
Forwarded by: Christina Raynor
~~~~~~~~
After skimming the email a few dozen times, he found out that Raynor was Bucky’s therapist. Why would Bucky’s therapist send him Bucky’s pardon? No one knew that they even talked. Sure, they both basically went into hiding for two years together, that was being spread around the news a lot, but no one actually knew that they had history. Unless-
Bucky talks about him. Because how else would a government assigned therapist know who Sam was, know that Bucky and him had history? But why? Why would she send him this? Sam rubbed his forehead, shutting his phone off with a click. He needed… he needed a rest. He needed a break.
~~~~~~~
Raynor knew this was kind of unprofessional, and a bit illegal. But, if she had to hear James mope and pout about Sam one more time, she might quit. And, it was clearly eating away at him, and her job was to make that stop, or at least get put on pause. So, she sent him the email, in hopes of him getting the hint that his really annoying ex won’t stop complaining. And, she does feel bad for him. For both of them.