fine
January 5
Sam:hey buck.
Seen
January 14
Sam: just wanted to make sure you were alright
Seen
January 16
Sam: text me back when you can
Seen
January 24
Sam: just checking in again, text me back
Seen
February 6
Sam: bucky, please
Seen
February 22
Sam: i know you’re seeing these, please talk to me. I hate to say it, but i miss you
Delivered now
Sam was fully prepared to throw his phone at the wall. He almost did. But he stopped himself.
Sam: i know you’re seeing these, please talk to me. I hate to say it, but i miss you
Seen
Seen. Of course Bucky wouldn’t respond. He’s being a coward, he’s scared of the dumb thing that he’ll say. Sam knows full well that is what’s going on. Bucky hasn’t responded before, this is nothing new, but before it was… because life was moving faster than it had for a long time. And now… now the dust has settled. Now, the world stopped moving, and it was horrible. Sam tried to make himself busy with USAF and the restaurant, but his life was slowing down. One day, he’ll appreciate the peace, but now… now he just wanted to know Bucky was okay. Bucky would lie, and that’d be that. But at least Sam would know that Bucky was there. Maybe he had friends. Sam knew he’d need to go to therapy for his pardon, so he probably had that. Despite all these things, maybe Bucky wasn’t okay. But neither was Sam, so he can’t really blame him.
He should stop texting. It’s not doing anything. But he just- he can’t let Bucky go. No matter how far apart they, no matter how mad he is at him, he still can’t let him go. He should, it’s unhealthy, but…
How does something that was seemed so set in stone, so real, how does something like that crash and burn? If it really meant something, then it wouldn’t have ended so quickly.
~~~~~~~~~
Then why did it end in a fight they both regretted? Unbeknownst to the two, they had the same thought. In Sam’s case, he was helping Sarah in the kitchen, still lost in his own world. In Bucky’s case, he was walking down to Yori’s apartment.
They wanted to see each other so bad, yet, for some reason, they were scared. Maybe they knew it wouldn’t end well. Maybe they knew that whatever would happen, they’d be farther apart than before. Maybe this was a safe ground, they weren’t talking, they didn’t see each other, and nothing got broken. Again.
It’s like when there’s a crack in glass, you don’t use it. In case you damage it further, in case you ruin the plate entirely. But maybe they were already at that point, but so desperately trying to glue it back together, without actually touching the plate. Without taking a step, without pushing away unreasonable fear, they can never fix it fully.
“You alright?” Sarah and Yori spoke at the same time, spoke to two different people thinking the exact same thing, with the exact same hurt in their heart.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” No, no, they probably aren’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam,
Fine. I’m fine. Right? I’m doing fine, I would think. It’s been about a month and a half since everything started looking not fine. And I think I’m doing better.
Bucky’s a mess. He’s not doing better. He’s confused. He’s lost. And he knows Sam will never read these. There’s a chance Bucky won’t read this after writing it. There’s a very big chance.
I know a lot of things now that I should’ve before. And I’m sorry that couldn’t come sooner. I wish it could’ve. I guess this is my apology. Even if you never see this. And I know it should be in person, I know that, but in all honesty, I’m scared. I’m a coward and I realize that, but I can’t face you, because I know my defences are gonna come up. I know when I see you, and you’re understandably frustrated with me, I know what I’m gonna say. I know I’m gonna go off on you about all of it. About the shield, about everything, and I’m sorry. I want you to know that I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I wish everything was okay, I wish everything was actually fine. I’m really sorry.
Used to be yours,
J.B
Bucky blinked away his tears, and folded the page a few times. Sam wouldn’t read it, but that was fine. He knew he’d probably forget about the letter in a few weeks. And everything would be forgotten. Not forgiven, but forgotten.
God, Bucky couldn’t wrap his head around that. He might never see Sam again. Because he was dumb. He was petty. And now, he’s scared. He’s scared he’d mess everything up, even though everything was pretty messy already.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sam: i hope everythings fine
Delivered now
The message sent with a buzz, and Sam tossed his phone onto the bed. He wished this was a dream, a nightmare of some sorts. He wished all of it was just a nightmare. He wished that Steve wasn’t really gone, that Nat wasn’t really gone, that his nephews knew who he was, that Sarah didn’t have to do this all on her own.
That Bucky still cared. Because god life felt like a damn nightmare. He felt like he was in a nightmare. Like he was trapped, like there was nowhere left to go, like he was alone, like he was lost.
And it’s all because he was lied to. When Bucky lied. When Steve lied; “You guys are my family now. You’re all I got, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
Sarah lied; “It’s all gonna be okay, Sam.”
But he couldn’t really blame her for that, because she was trying to convince herself as much as she was convincing him.
When Riley lied; “You don’t have to worry about me, Sammy.” It was the last thing Sam ever heard in Riley’s calm and comforting voice. He had a giant grin on his face, he leaned over to peck Sam on the cheek, and he was gone. He was gone.
“Sam, it’s dinner. Were you planning on coming down after the 1000th time I called for you, or would you like to starve?” Sarah’s voice cut through Sam’s thought like a knife. He looked up at her and watched as her face softened. “What’s wrong?” she said carefully, taking small steps into the room.
“I miss them.” Sam said, his voice tired and cracked. Sarah nodded, a small smile on her face. “You wanna talk about it?” she asked, her voice soft and loving as always. Sam breathed deeply, feeling the bed dip as Sarah sat down. “Sure.”
Sarah nodded, telling him to go ahead. “I just- every time I had someone who I really cared about they- they leave. Whether it’s their fault, or mine, I can’t tell anymore. I thought- I thought when Riley fell that would be it. Because Sar, we had already lost so much. I didn’t expect to have everyone else leave too.”
“I still got you though.” Sam added, wiping some tears from his eyes. Sarah chuckled. “I ain’t leaving any time soon, alright? I got you, bro.” Sarah said with a smile, wrapping her arms around him. Sam chuckled, nodding. “I know, I’m not leaving either, I can tell you that. Not again.”
They stayed like that for a few more minutes, until Sam broke the silence. “Sar, I’m so tired.”
Sarah smiled sadly, and leaned her head against Sam’s. “I know you are, Sam, I know. So am I.” Sam smiled too, and shut his eyes. Maybe tears fell, maybe they didn’t, but all he knew was that through everything, Sarah had his back. Sarah was there.
“Listen, I know not everything’s the best right now, but when you are taking that dinner plate to a museum. I think it’s collecting dust.” Sarah asked, trying to keep her tone light, and the air easy.
“I, uh, I don’t know.” Sam admitted, because he didn’t, not really. He was back with USAF now, and life had gotten busy. Thank god. So, Sam could only stare at the shield from time to time. “Probably when life just…”
“Settles?” Sarah supplied, and Sam nodded, a smile on his face.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
Silence came over them again, so he barely registered how his nephews padded into the room, how they leaned against him with zero hesitance. He had a family. He had a family again? He had a family finally? Sam didn’t know the logistics, but he did know that he had a family. Maybe he was fine. Maybe, just maybe, he was more than fine.
~~~~~~~~
“So, James, how have you been?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine?”
Bucky nodded, and could almost predict what she would do next. She’d ask for his phone, point out that Sam had texted him, and that Bucky ignored him. Then, she’d go on and on about making amends. For a fun surprise, she’d bring up the fact that he needed a life. That he needed friends. And when he told her he had friends, she would stay silent and shake her head.
And that’s exactly what happened. As she looked at the two new messages from Sam, she clicked her tongue, and said that he should “reach out and reconnect.” which would not be happening. And in Bucky’s mind, Sam was wrong. Not because Sam was wrong, but because Bucky so desperately wanted to ignore that he lost the one good thing that had happened to him because he lied. He promised, and he can’t keep up with those promises.
As he got up from the couch, her eyes passed over his face. “Get some sleep, James.”
Wow. What a therapist.