alright
Sam had a nightmare. He couldn’t shake it. It wasn’t as bad as the one from a few days ago, definitely not. But still, not pleasant. Sam felt so- so trapped in something. He felt like the walls were closing in on him. When he took a break, when he just stopped, his thoughts started racing a million miles per minute and then Sam- then Sam gets dizzy. He lies down, he breathes deeply, he calms himself down. He knows what to do, he’s known what to do since he can remember.
Well, he knows what to do when he has a nightmare. But in general? Very different story. He has felt so lost, and he doesn’t actually know what to do. He doesn’t know who to go to. Sarah’s under too much stress already, Bucky’s well, Bucky. Sam doesn’t have a shoulder, a rock anymore. Well, maybe he does.
Because as his eyes fall to the picture of him, Nat, and Steve on his bedside table, he knows where to go, just for today.
~~~~~~~~
“I’m gonna be outta town for a few days.” he told Sarah as he entered the kitchen, she was doing the dishes from breakfast. He failed to mention the plane ticket and small backpack already loaded in his truck. “Where?”
“Ohio.” Sam answered casually, and saw Sarah make a questioning face. “What the hell are you doing there?” she asked quizzically. “See a friend.” he said with a smile. Sarah nodded slowly. “Alright, but I need your help at the restaurant in a few days.” she said with a teasing smile. Sam nodded, a grin spreading over his face. “Yes ma’am.”
“Oh my god. Don’t start with that.” Sarah said sternly. Sam chuckled and made his way out the door.
~~~~~~~~
The plane ride there was practically a blur, Sam thought he might’ve slept for most of it, and the rest was probably stressing and overthinking, which was nothing new.
He took a few taxis over to the cemetery, the chill of winter biting at his skin as he walked in the dirt path. The air was cold, and the streets were empty. It was nice, Sam got to be alone with his thoughts. Alone with the cold breeze that made him shudder.
It didn’t take long for him to reach Nat, and he noticed most things resting against the cement had faded or rusted, but the locket he had put there was looked like what it did the day he left it. Slowly, Sam knelt down, the leaves crunching and cracking beneath him.
“Hey Nat.” Sam began, and took a deep breath. “So- god how do I even start? I have a lot on my plate right now. Like a lot. I’m giving up the shield. I just- I couldn’t. You know why. I know you’d get it. Steve really couldn’t fathom that giving a Black man the mantle of Captain America probably wasn’t the best idea. I guess he wouldn’t understand.”
“The person who I needed to know why doesn’t. Bucky doesn’t understand- which is fine- I guess. He just didn’t let me make a decision that wasn’t taking up the mantle. He didn’t even try to get it, he just went on and on about how Steve left me the shield and how I am Captain America. God, Nat, I’m pissed at him. I’m beyond pissed. But I just can’t- I can’t stop worrying. I just- I know he can go into the deep end and then never reach the surface. I watched it happen. I just need to know his heads still above water. I know what you’d say to me right now.”
Sam can practically hear her voice, as if she could respond. You still care though. Nothing will stop you from caring for that man. It’s one of your few flaws. You lied to Steve goddamn Rogers and the government just to protect him, for god’s sake. What he did was horrible, and stupid, and you should be mad. But you still worry. It’s in your heart. Sam does still care, he put everything on the line for this guy, who he thought he might, in a perfect world, spend the rest of his life with. That’s why it hurt. He cared so much, and in the end, what did he get? A petty argument that costed him everything.
Sam sighed. No tears had fallen, his voice hasn’t even shaken. Something about this place calmed him. Maybe it was Nat, the way he could practically feel her hand resting on his shoulder, steadying him and making him feel safe.
“It’s too hard; all of it.”
His eyes find a picture, probably left by Clint, with Nat, laughing, her hand brought up to cover her face, so Clint doesn’t take the picture. He can hear her laughter, he can see her hit Clint in the arm lightly after he takes the picture. He feels the soft look in her eyes telling him in a million different ways that it’s okay. It’s gonna be alright.
Sam felt himself tear up a bit, but he didn’t let the tears fall. He stood up from the dirt and made his way back to the airport. As Sam walked down the sidewalk, he recognized most if not all the houses that he passed. One in particular caught Sam’s eye, a pride flag hung in the window of a bedroom, and the memory hit him like a wave from the ocean.
“Mom, I didn’t know boys can hold each other boys hands. That’s so cool!”
Sam grinned, and pointedly ignored the tears that now fell onto the light dusting of snow on the sidewalk. He never- he never had that. And now this kid- he had that. Sam needed to steady himself against the fence that lined one of the sides of the sidewalks. This was shaping up to be a better day than Sam thought when he woke up.
~~~~~~~~~~
“How was Ohio?” Sarah questioned once Sam got back. Sam nodded, a smile on his face. “It was good…. Yeah, it was good.” Sam answered, casual as ever. “Who’d you go see?” Sarah asked, her eyebrows raised as she finished packing AJ’s lunch for tomorrow. Sam took a deep breath and looked down at his feet. “Uh, Nat.”
He heard Sarah close the lunch bags with a zip, and walk towards him slowly. “You alright?” she asked, caring and soft as always. Sam chuckled softly, meeting her eye. “Yeah, yeah, I’m alright.”
He was. He was today. He didn’t know about tomorrow, he didn’t know about when he woke up from his nightmare tonight. But right now? He’s alright.
~~~~~~~~~
“What’d he do this time?” Bucky asked with a smile as Yori walked out of his apartment building with a displeased look on his face. “He keeps playing those damned drums.” Bucky chuckled, and once Yori made it down the street, they started walking to Izzys. “It’s like he wants me to punch a wall or something.” Yori muttered, causing Bucky to laugh again.
“You think this is funny? I’d love to meet your neighbours.” Yori had his eyes narrowed on Bucky, but Bucky didn’t stop laughing. “Firstly, I think you should punch a wall, it’d make a real nice addition to the chaos he’s causing in your building.” Yori laughed at that. “And secondly, I have great neighbours.”
“Unfair. You don’t have to put up with the ruckus Unique causes.”
“Could you describe the ruckus?”
“Sam, what is this?” Bucky’s eyes went from the laptop to Sam, sitting beside him. “The breakfast club.” Sam said, like it was obvious. Bucky rolled his eyes. “Uh huh, that’s a real help. What’s it about?” Sam smirked, but stayed silent.
“Seriously? Immature.” Sam chuckled softly, leaning his head on Bucky’s shoulder. “You’ll find out.” and that was all Sam said. Bucky sighed, but turned his eyes back to the screen.
Unfortunately, Bucky did find out. And he spent the entire movie trying to deny the tears that had welled up in his eyes as it progressed. He had his head buried in the crook of Sam’s neck by the end. Sam was laughing softly, but Bucky knew that they both were seriously pained by that movie. “And you call that a comfort movie?” Bucky asked as the credits rolled. Sam chuckled tearfully. “It’s good.” Sam justified.
“I wouldn’t call it comforting.”
“Bucky, you alright?” Yori asked, and by the looks of things, Bucky had stopped walking as the memory played out in his head. Bucky snapped himself back into reality and started walking again. “Yeah, yeah, sorry, I got lost in my thoughts.”
Yori chuckled, shaking his head. “It’s alright, you’re young, you got a lot to think about.” Bucky had to keep himself from bursting out laughing. Poor Yori, he didn’t even know half of it. Instead, Bucky only chuckled. “I guess you’re right.”
“I probably am, Bucky. C’mon, let’s hurry it up, we’re never this late to Izzys.”
~~~~~~~~
Bucky spent that Wednesday night scrolling through his phone, when an add popped up. Online dating. Oh, dear god. Bucky stared at the ad, contemplating in his head if this was a good idea. It probably wasn’t, but at this point, he was way past that. With a hesitant hand, he opened the website. This could be alright, maybe he’s just overreacting.