over
For 2 weeks, Sam contemplated what he was going to do with the shield. He couldn’t take it, it was the right thing. For him. For his family. He’d give it to the Smithsonian, because it was what he thinks is right. And it’s his decision. Steve gave him this shield, and he trusted him to make a decision. So he was making his decision. He just… there’s too many risks.
Bucky didn’t know why Sam asked that, he should’ve known Bucky would be with him, no matter what. In every battle. He followed Cap through thick and thin, and most importantly, he followed Sam through thick and thin. But what Bucky didn’t know was that wasn’t what Sam meant. He’d find out soon enough, whether he’d like it is the real question.
~~~~~~~~~
“I don’t think I can do it.” Sam muttered one night over dinner, as he stared at the shield leaned up against the wall. Bucky furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, looking up from his plate. “What?” Bucky asked, because he genuinely had no clue what Sam was talking about. “The shield. Being- being the symbol of America. I can’t- I can’t do it. I’m giving up the shield.” Sam said, his voice a bit shaky, but he kept his tone firm and confident. He couldn’t, it was too much. Everything that would be riding on his back, all the expectations, everyone who wouldn’t accept him as he was, those who wouldn’t allow him to be Captain America just because of his skin colour. He already had a lot to deal with, he couldn’t add this to his plate.
“What.” it wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Bucky sounded a bit breathless, shocked at what Sam had said. He couldn’t meet Bucky’s eye, he didn’t want to. He didn’t need to see what Bucky had to say. It was Sam’s decision, he was just informing Bucky. “I can’t do it, Buck.”
“Sam, Steve gave you that shield.”
Sam finally met Bucky’s eye. “So I get to choose what I do. And I know I can’t carry that burden. So I’m handing it over.” Bucky scoffed, and Sam could feel irritation bubbling in him. Why Bucky was getting so worked up about this, Sam would never know. It was his own decision, not Bucky’s, he couldn’t tell Sam what to do.
“We need a Captain America, Sam, everyone does. It has to be you.” Bucky countered, and Sam could see the flash of anger in his eye. Sam just needed Bucky to understand. “Well it can’t be me, Buck.”
“I don’t understand why this decision is so difficult for you. Sam, you are Captain America. Steve left it for you, he knew you, you knew you’d take the shield. And now what? You wanna throw it aside like- like it’s nothing?” of course Bucky doesn’t understand. He wouldn’t, Sam knew he could never truly understand why Sam couldn’t take up the mantle. But he could at least try. If Bucky could never at least try to understand why Sam couldn’t do this, then whatever was between them was over. “Ok, first of all, this is my decision. I’m making it. And don’t bring Steve into this for god’s sake. He’s not here. And no, I guess you don’t understand. And if you don’t, I guess that’s fine, but if you can’t even respect my decisions, if can’t let me make decisions on my own, then I guess-” Sam took a deep breath before speaking.
“I guess this is over.” Sam said, stammering on his words. He didn’t want it to be over, but Bucky was being unreasonable. Why couldn’t he just let Sam make his own decisions?
Bucky’s head was spinning. Over? Just because of this dumb shield? “Over?” Bucky stuttered, standing up from his chair. Sam sighed in a mix of frustration and anger. “If you can’t respect my decisions, then yes. Over.” Sam said firmly, trying so hard to keep his cool. “I just don’t understand-”
“So? Buck, you said that you’d have my back in whatever I wanted to do. Whatever I needed to do, you’d follow along.” Sam said, finally rising up from his chair, letting all his anger pool out onto his words. Bucky pulled at his newly cut short hair, letting a dry chuckle escape from his lips. “So that’s it. Just because I don’t see eye to eye with this one thing? Seems a bit unreasonable to me.” Bucky was so close to yelling, but he kept it steady. For now.
Sam didn’t know what Bucky’s definition of ‘unreasonable’ was, but it certainly was not the same was Sam’s. Unreasonable? Unreasonable was not what Sam was being, and he knew it. “One small thing? This is the mantle of Captain America for god’s sake-”
“Well-”
“And unreasonable? I’ll tell you what unreasonable is. Unreasonable is you not respecting what I would like to do with my life. Because, believe it or not, I’m putting my life on the line if I pick up that shield. I’m putting the life of everyone I love on the line. I’d have everything crashing down on me. The weight of the world, the weight of my community, on my shoulders.”
“I can help you, I promise-”
“No. You can’t. Because I’m not taking the shield. And you need to at least respect that. I know you’ll never fully understand why I can’t take the title and that’s- that’s whatever. But stop making empty promises to me.” tears streamed down Sam’s face, angry, burning tears. But all Sam could feel was how much he hated this. Hated this fight, hated this situation.
“What empty promises?” Bucky asked bitterly, and Sam rolled his eyes. Bucky wasn’t backing down. “You said you’d have my back, no matter what. You said you’ll always be with me. You said everything would be fine. You promised all those things. And guess what? Nothing is fine, Buck. Look around at the world. At us. I lost everyone, and I thought I’d never lose you. Because that’s what you promised. But you- you can’t let me make my own decision. Not without making it about you. So yeah, I’m done with the empty promises. With the lying. I can’t do it. Any of it.” Sam’s words were broken, his voice shaky but defiant. He needed Bucky to hear him.
“Sam, that’s ridiculous.”
Sam blinked at him, honest to god stunned by Bucky’s reaction. “Ridiculous? Ridiculous? You wanna know what’s ridiculous?”
“What?” Bucky spat out angrily, his eyes dark and filled with rage. “What’s ridiculous Sam? What is it?”
“What’s ridiculous is that I believed it. You told me you were a man of your word, but I guess that was just another lie, another one of your promises that broke easier than glass crashing to the ground. You made me live in a dream world, where nothing was wrong, and it was simple. Another lie, because everything is going wrong. What I thought was relief is really now just a ruse. And I don’t want to believe your dumb tricks anymore.”
“So we’re through. Is that what I’m hearing?”
“Yeah, yeah it is. Sorry to be such a disappointment. Goodbye, Buck.” Sam didn’t wait to hear a farewell, he just turned and left, slamming the door behind him. Dammit. Sam didn’t know where to go. He was too mad, he was too upset, it was just all too much. He needed air. Well, he needed a lot more than that, but it’s start.
It was pouring rain when Sam reached outside, and felt a shiver run through his spine. The coldness of the rain mixed with his hot, salty tears and Sam’s vision blurred as he made his way through the parking lot. Bucky wouldn’t be there. Bucky didn’t even try to understand. Bucky didn’t shut up for once in his goddamn life and just let Sam make a decision. And now, now it was over. Sam knew he’d regret it later, but right now, he was too angry, he was too hurt to think about that.
The air was cold, normal for late December. Combined with the chill in the air and the pouring rain, this wasn’t the best decision. He rested his head against his truck, leaning to the side a bit, letting his tears fall and a sob escape. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, Bucky would wrap him up in his arms. He would mutter comforting words, make him tea and wrap him in blankets upon blankets. They’d smile, and every would be ok. If Sam had his head a bit clearer, he might’ve realized this is more of a memory than a wish.
~~~~~~~~~
Bucky stared at the door in disbelief. Sam was gone. He was gone. Bucky didn’t know how long it had been, and he didn’t really care. Somewhere, deep down, Bucky knows this was his fault. But he’s stubborn, he’s persistent, and he doesn’t like being wrong. So he’s gonna blame Sam. He shouldn’t be, but in all his anger, all his pain, he’ll shift the blame. That’s all he’s ever done, but he’s normally shifted on himself. But he can’t bare to think about the fact that because of him, Sam isn’t here, Sam is hurt. He’s not going to accept that, because he doesn’t want to. Which is extremely childish.
Bucky can barely move, tears running down his face. He sees the shield in from the corner of his eye, and suddenly a larger anger spikes in him. He grabs it and tosses it into his and Sam’s bedroom, and it lands on the bed, making a sound that makes Bucky think something got damaged by the force of him throwing it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sam drives until he feels his eyelids getting heavy, and stops at the nearest motel, not wanting to even think about go back to the apartment. He couldn’t, not tonight, at least. He got a room and barely stopped to peel off his soaked shirt before he crashed onto the bed. He only realized now how cold he was, and the dusty duvet didn’t do much. He shivered a bit under the duvet and curled up into a ball. He just wished that this was all a bad dream, and Bucky would come and wrap Sam in his arms, handing him a hoodie. Oh, god, what is he doing? He’s supposed to be pissed at Bucky, well no, he’s well past being pissed at Bucky. So why is he missing him? It’s ridiculous. And he has every right to be angry. Bucky couldn’t even let Sam make his own decisions without making it about him, Sam doesn’t think that warrants an apology. Because it doesn’t. Nothing could convince Sam that he was in the wrong, that he needed to say sorry. He couldn’t be Cap, he just- he couldn’t do it. So, tonight Sam fell asleep alone, shaking from the cold, and more importantly, from the pain. The pain in his heart.
~~~~~~~~
The next day, Sam figured he should grab his stuff from the apartment. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to approach it. He still didn’t want to see Bucky, but he kind of needed his clothes. So, he figured he’d be mature about it, tell Bucky he needed to get his stuff, and leave. He didn’t know where he’d go, maybe back to Louisiana, Sam doesn’t know.
~~~~~~~~
Sam pulled into the apartment complex and sighed, having to steady himself a bit. Slowly, he made his way into the apartment building and up the stairs to his and- to Bucky’s apartment. Once he got to the door, he was about to knock, but his eyes fell to the shield lying on top of his bag, all his clothes and things stuff into it. On top of it, a yellow sticky note that had the words See ya, Cap. Sam scoffed, and ignored the tears prickling in his eyes. No, this was dumb. He grabbed the bag and shield with a huff. He roughly wiped away his tears with the back of his hand and continued out the building.
~~~~~~~~~
Bucky froze as he heard footsteps from outside his door, and then he heard a scoff that he recognized as Sam’s. Bucky’s eyes were rimmed red from crying, he had all the lights off and his curtains pulled closed. He was sitting on the couch, eyes glued to the black TV screen. Once he hears Sam walk away, he lets out a breath, and shuts his eyes. Was the note petty and passive-aggressive? Yep. But Bucky didn’t care. Because he messed up, but he’s not going to admit that until it’s too late.
~~~~~~~~
“Sarah? I’m gonna come back home.”
Home, Sam was gonna go home.