could've, should've
Sam’s truck rolled onto the gravel road, and a wave of nostalgia hit him. He caught glimpses of his childhood, memories pooling into his mind. He hears the sound of a door open and turns to see his sister rushing out of the house. Sam can’t help but grin as he opens the truck door and jumps out, almost getting tackled by his sister. He breathed out a few laughs, and hears her laugh as well. “What the hell took you so long?”
Sam sighed, and they broke apart, walking into the house. “I’ve, uh, I’ve been busy.” Sam said quietly, and Sarah could see that something was wrong, but she didn’t bring it up. Not yet, at least. “Boys.” Sarah called out as they walked into the kitchen. Sam had to steady himself against the wall as his eyes darted around the room. He hadn’t been here, since, he doesn’t know. Probably since AJ was 1, maybe 1 and a half. “Uncle Sam? Uncle Sam!” Cass called out as he rushed down the stairs, AJ on his heel. Sam’s breath hitched. He couldn’t believe it. They were grown up. When he last saw them, in person, AJ could barely talk, and Cass never stopped talking. Now, now they were grown up. And Sam missed it. He missed everything. Of course. He didn’t even recognize them.
He felt 2 pairs of arms wrap around him, and he thought that he would be okay. Because he’s got family again. Something he hasn’t had for a long time, if the past few months are any indication.
~~~~~~~~
It was clear that AJ and Cass’ memory of him was a bit foggy. Little things that hit Sam right where it hurt. They were a little shy, no, actually, they were really shy. They were hesitant to invite him to play on their PS4, they were a bit quiet when they talked to him.
And it was the worst thing Sam’s had to experience. It hurt more than any bullet, any blade. It hit him in the heart, and his heart has taken a beating in the past few days. Sam knew it wasn’t his fault, whether he heard himself tell him that or Bucky, he didn’t know.
Some part of Sam’s brain replayed the words Bucky said to him. They wouldn’t blame you. With everything that you have to deal with, they could never blame you. Our life is so unfair, every part of it, that it’s really hard to blame us for what has happened. He didn’t know how to feel about it.
But he did know, after years of struggling with guilt, with grief, he finally was back home. He wouldn’t miss any more of his nephews lives, and he would stay by Sarah’s side for as long as he could. Because she needed him, and frankly, he needed her.
Right now, he sat in the old spare room, staring at the floor. How could he have done this? He missed huge parts of his family’s life, and why? Because he put everyone in front of himself and his family. He was an avenger, to protect people. He was snapped from existence, because they couldn’t do it. They couldn’t protect people this time. Before that, he was busy pouring his heart and soul into that damn relationship. He spent a year with Bucky, having his back, lying for him, just for Bucky to throw it all away for a giant dinner plate.
Sam hadn’t noticed Sarah knocking at the door, he hadn’t noticed her sit down. He hadn’t even noticed he was crying until he felt her soft touch brushing away the tears. “Sam.” she said softly, her tone wasn’t one with pity, for the most part, it was one with sympathy. Sam smiled sadly, still not meeting her eyes, instead his eyes followed as her hand fell from his face to her lap. “I don’t blame you, and neither do they.” god, Sarah knew exactly what he was thinking. “But I do.”
“Don’t.” Sarah said firmly, and Sam knew he shouldn’t. He knew it would hurt him even more if he kept blaming himself. “I don’t- I don’t know what to do, Sar.” Sam muttered weakly. “I feel like you do. You gotta- you gotta make yourself present. They missed you. When you stopped calling, when we found out that you were going on the run, they never stopped asking when you’d call again. They really missed you, Sam.”
Sam sighed, nodding his head. “I wish- I wish I could take it all back. I wish after that one mission I did with Steve, I wish I came back. I should’ve come back.” Sam said, a watery chuckling following it. “It wasn’t worth it.”
Sarah hummed. “You could never back down from a fight, Sam. I know you.” Sarah said, a soft smile on her face. Sam shook his head. “I know. But it wasn’t a fight. It was…” Sam trailed off, because he didn’t know what it was. He certainly couldn’t explain it to Sarah in this state. But he knew she’d understand. She had that knowing look on her face that told Sam enough.
“What did you do?” she asked playfully, and Sam chuckled. “I don’t know. I thought- I thought it was set in stone. But nothing ever is, I guess.”
“I don’t think you believe that.”
“Sarah, I’ve believed that for a long time.” Sam confessed, because he did. He knew nothing was truly set in stone, after everything, it became evidently clear that nothing was forever. There was a brief moment of bliss when Sam thought he and Bucky; that was forever. But even the brightest days hide the worst truths. Sometimes the brightest smile shouts the loudest. He lost just about everything, just about everyone. Sarah and the boys was all he had. It might not be forever, but he’d try, he’d try to make it forever. Make it feel like it was for forever.
“Were you planning on telling me about em’?” Sarah’s voice shook him from his thoughts. Sam grinned, finally, and shook his head. “Not yet.” probably not ever.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bucky sat alone in his stupid apartment. He had stuffed everything in the bedroom, or he sold it. Wasn’t worth keeping. This was all too familiar of a story from a few years. Except, in that version, Sam came back. And Bucky didn’t think Sam was coming back. Not for a long, long time. Maybe ever, Bucky doesn’t know. He does know, however, that he hasn’t left the apartment in 2 days. He’s barely eaten, only small things, maybe oatmeal, and that’s it. He hasn’t spoken a single word in 2 days. He’s cried, there’s evidence of that. His eyes brimmed red, the tissues surrounding him. He just- he wished it could stop. He wished he could stop hurting. He hasn’t had nightmares, probably because he’s barely slept, but he’s just waiting for them to strike. He’s still blaming Sam, and he should know it’s wrong. Because it is. Sam did nothing wrong, he only spoke his mind. And now he’s gone. Because Bucky pushed him away. Bucky denied Sam his choices, his rights, and now he’s paying for it.
Somewhere, Bucky is fully aware he is in the wrong, but it’s buried deep down by frustration, guilt, and anger. One day, he’ll crack, and he’s praying he can get it over with sooner than later.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sam sat on his front porch, watching the sunrise. He had a nightmare he couldn’t shake. He hated that it was about Bucky. He hated watching Bucky die. Over and over. And this time, Sam didn’t wake up next to the brunette to make sure he was alright. Sam could only feel the warmth of the sun comfort him, and yet he still shivered in the early air.
Sam didn’t know when he started crying, maybe he’s been crying all morning, but he cries. He cries for everyone, everything. For his parents, who would’ve loved to see who he became. For Riley, for what they could’ve been. For Nat, who didn’t deserve to die, she shouldn’t have died just for all of them to grieve. For Steve, for the fact that he really never found true happiness for the best of 13 years. For Sarah, who had to do everything alone, raise her kids, manage a business, and deal with the grief of loosing everyone, year after year. Alone. For Bucky, for what they should’ve been, for what they had. For every memory of them together, smiling, together, completely unaware of what life was going to throw at them next.
And finally, he cries for himself, for everything he’s ever lost, all the grief he’s dealt with in his life. He cries for the fact that he could’ve had everything, and he has next to nothing now. He still has Sarah, he still has the two boys, but he yearns for what he could’ve had. For the life he could’ve had with his parents, his family together and alive. For the life he could’ve had with Riley, if he hadn’t fallen. If Riley hadn’t fallen from the sky, and if Sam hadn’t fallen so hard in love. If he had one more second with Nat and Steve, to tell them that nothing would be the same without them, and that he loved them.
He cries for the life he could’ve had if he stopped himself from finding Bucky. If he backed out, if he went home. If he stayed at a different apartment complex. If he didn’t look into Bucky’s steel blue eyes and find all his answers. If he just stopped himself from falling so damn hard then maybe his life would’ve been a bit easier.
Sam knows that probably isn’t true. He wouldn’t have laughed, he wouldn’t have smiled, he wouldn’t have felt genuine love from someone who didn’t look at him with pity. Even Riley, at one point, had looked at him like that. Everyone had. Nat, Steve, Sarah, his parents. But not Bucky. Bucky looked at him as if he was the strongest person on earth, even if Sam felt like he was the weakest one. And all he wanted to do was erase that from his mind. Pretend like all Bucky did was hurt him. Because, in fairness, Bucky did hurt Sam. Twice. Maybe three times. First, when he wished that Sam never found him, when he practically pushed Sam from his apartment with his words.
Then, when Bucky stopped calling, stopped answering. That’s when Sam stopped calling, stopped texting. And then, when Bucky couldn’t even let Sam give away the shield. Sam leaned his head against the exterior wall and cried harder. He could never forgive someone for that.
But his stupid brain was trying to convince him that he still loved Bucky.
~ A week later ~
“You should at least text him.” Sarah told him one night, the night Sam explained who Bucky was, and what happened. They were both sitting on Sam’s bed, and he gaped at her, because she has pretty good ideas most of the time. Apparently it was not one of those time. “Listen, I know what you’re going to say. And you’re right, that was a horrible thing he did. But I can see you still care. It’s obvious. Don’t apologize for nothin’, because you clearly did nothing wrong, but at least check up on him. And don’t forgive him easy, because that was a crap move on his part.”
Sam sighed, and he knew she was right. He did care, he just knew they needed distance, to blow off steam. Sam would give the shield to the Smithsonian, and maybe Bucky would come back and apologize. Maybe. “I guess you’re right.”
“That is normally the case, yes.” she joked, knocking her shoulders against his. He grinned, rolling his eyes. Wordlessly, he pulled out his phone.
Sam: hey buck
Sam stared at his phone and almost regretted this. Almost.
~~~~~~~~
Bucky stared at his phone, and nearly threw it at the wall. No, no, he couldn’t. Not after everything. He wasn’t ready to apologize. Even though he should be. And he couldn’t handle having another fight with Sam. Not yet, not ever.