Chapter 10
After dinner Josh and Ryan do the dishes and put away the leftovers. Katie makes her way to her room where I tuck her in and head back to my own. When I walk in James is already sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for me.
I take a deep breath and close the door behind me. I slowly make my way to the other side of the bed and sit down, my back facing him.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on between you and Matthew so I can decide whether or not to punch him next time I see him?”
I hesitate with my next answer. I know James wouldn;t punch Matthew. We both know we can’t risk any kind of drama like that.
“It’s not about what’s going on now, but rather what happened in the past.” I whisper. My chest begins to tighten, the ghost of his hands clamping around my throat.
“Hey. Doll look at me.”James is kneeling in front of me, his hands covering mine. “Deep breath darling, you’re starting to hyperventilate.” He reaches out with his right hand and I flinch involuntarily. I see hurt flash across his eyes and even more guilt settles in my stomach.
“Focus on my breath ok?”James takes my hands and places them on his chest. I close my eyes and do as he says and match my breathing with his. Several breaths later my breaths have even outed and my head clears.
“It’s ok if you can’t talk about it. I don’t want you going through this alone, alright?” James stands up and sits beside me. His hand hovers over my shoulder and when I don’t flinch away he pulls me into his side.
“When did you change, James?”
“What do you mean?’
“When did you open up so much? You showed up Friday night and you were all cold and stuff. Now it’s like you’re almost a whole different person. You’re smiling and laughing. Before all you did was glare, nod your head and your voice was always so dull. The look in your eyes was so dead, so hollow.”
James doesn’t say anything so I turn to look at him and I see him staring out the window. This far away look clouds his eyes and it’s almost like he’s not here anymore.
I wait for him to come back to reality not wanting to ruin whatever memory he’s immersed himself in.
“I realized that I can’t go moping around with the kids.” James takes a deep breath, pauses for a moment then picks up his explanation.”Katie reminds me of my little sister, Rebecca. The kid was so sweet and innocent I hated she had to grow up during the time she did. Josh. Gosh he reminds me so much of Steve back in time. Always fighting for what's right even though he knows he can’t win.” A faint smile plays on James’ lips as he thinks back to his past. At least what he can remember.
“And Ryan. He reminds me of me. Back when I was growing up, fresh into the Army. The way he’s so protective over Josh and Katie. The way he wouldn’t let a single thing harm his family. The way he;s always looking out for everyone.” James retracts his arm from around me and lets them hang in his lap.
“I’m still struggling to remember things from the past but being here with you guys…...it’s made it easier. Slowly things from my past are starting to come together but not everything.” A long sigh escapes James's lips as his gaze turns from the window down to his hands.
“Watching the kids and you work out here made me realize I need to do better. That I can’t just sit in here and mope about what happened. What happened happened. I can’t change that but what I can change is what I do now. And that starts with you guys.” James “turned to look at me, his hand finding mine.
“I fully expected you or one of the boys to call the police on, to turn me in but instead you opened your arms to complete stranger, a known assassin which I do have to say is kind of a dumb idea.” he fainlty smiles at me before turning back to look out the window.
“My family wouldn’t want me to hold onto the things from the past. They’d tell me to keep going. Steve would want me to keep fighting and not let this darkness swallow me. It’s hard. It’s really damn hard, but being here where it’s quiet and calm helps. Being with you guys helps.”
We sit there on my bed with an inch between us gazing out the window. The sun has set and the moon has come out to cast a snowy light over the property. Stars litter and shine in the night sky, a dark midnight blue.
After thinking about what James said I can’t help but selfishly think how could my parents leave but this stranger can feel at home? How can some man who showed up on my doorstep in the middle of Friday night feel at home, like he belonged in two days when my own parents didn’t feel that way the whole time they were here?
Why do I feel like the world is trying to crush me? To crush my family? What did we do to deserve all of this? What did we do wrong that we ended up with no parents?
Why did the world, God, decide that we don’t get parents? That James deserves to be ripped from his life, kidnapped and tortured? Why do all the bad things only happen to us?
“Y/N? Are you there?” James asks softly.
“Yea. Did you say something?” I tear my gaze from the window and turn to James who’s looking at me worried.
“I asked why you started calling me James.”
“Oh…..uhm….Josh and I thought that it might be a good idea to call you James, To try and give you a sense of belonging. If you don’t like being called James we can always go back to calling you Bucky.” I scratch the back of my neck a little embarrassed.
“No, I like it. I haven’t been called James in years. It feels nice.”
“Alright.” I feel like there’s something that needs to be said. I don’t know what but something is tugging at the back of my head. I push the thought away, not knowing what needs to be said.
“Well we better head to bed. We’ve got church tomorrow and Austin’s gonna be returning with the truck.” I stand up, wiping my sweaty palms against the sides of jeans.
“Ok. Goodnight, Y/N.” James walks over to the door, opening it but pausing in the doorway. “If you need me, I’m right next door. Don’t be afraid to knock.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course sweetheart.”
“Goodnight James.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
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Word Count: 1174