S.H.I.E.L.D
[Firstly, a quick deleted scene for naomiromanoff because she likes Maria so much 😊]
Natalia clenched her fists in the kangaroo pocket of the hoodie she had arrived in as she waited in the hall of the Triskelion by the eagle statue, wishing she was invisible. She did absolutely not meet the dress code.
She'd spent the last two hours in a psychiatrist's office and had answered questions the way she thought was the most healthy and put-together sounding, almost surprised how well her body still remembered how to mask her feelings. No lies, nothing that Clint could prove if they asked him at least. They hadn’t asked about the fight, Natalia guessed Fury had told them not to, she would have had to lie anyway because nobody at S.H.I.E.L.D was supposed to know about the farm and she wouldn’t be the one to give them away.
She only really connected the dots when she saw a brown-haired woman approaching her. Agent Hill. Hill. Clint’s friend.
“Hi,” the woman greeted her, extending a hand. “I’m Agent Hill, nice to see you. We’ve kind of met, but…”
“Oh, I remember,” Natalia confirmed hastily. “I remember that.”
“Cool.” Agent Hill smiled. “Fury said to give you a little tour, so that’s what we’ll do. Come, and don’t mind those who can’t deal with a hoodie,” she added with a smirk. “A lot of people here take themselves way too seriously, myself included.” She chuckled, tucking at her uniform. “Come.”
Natalia followed, finding that Hill’s nonchalance relaxed her.
“If you’ve been with the boss, you know where the elevator is.” Hill waved in the general direction of it. “It works with biometric scans and voice commands, for you not yet because we don’t have the data from you, but I think they’ll do that tomorrow or something. Are you okay?”
Natalia had wrapped her arms around herself, now she started and let them fall down again.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine.”
Hill led her through the building, every now and then pointing out where something was. She was nice, Natalia thought. It made sense Clint would like her.
She didn't want to think about Clint now.
“Cantine’s over here.” Hill pointed towards a glass door on the right. “They start serving dinner in-“ She checked her watch “-half an hour, we can go eat something then, how’s that?”
Natalia nodded.
“Sounds good.”
Try not to skip meals, Nat, she heard Laura’s gentle voice in her head. I know you don’t feel hungry right now, but it’ll just make the next meal even harder.
She had skipped lunch today, and even though she hadn’t really had an opportunity to eat anything she still felt guilty. Clint and Laura would want her to take care of herself better.
Agent Hill looked at her for a few seconds, then smiled a little.
“Come on, Romanov, I’ll show you the hangar, it’s almost my favorite part of the building.”
“What’s your favorite part?” Natalia asked, then flinched a little. She knew Hill was Clint’s friend, but it was different with her, she didn’t know if interactions worked the same way with her.
“The labs,” Hill replied easily. “The IT ones, mostly. We’ll go there, too, I wanted to anyway, they’re building a new stealth chute of some kind and I want to see it.” She smiled. “Is that alright by you?” she asked then.
Natalia nodded again.
“Sure, that sounds interesting.”
She had never been in the hangar before, Clint’s little beat-up jet was located in a large storage unit nearby, and now she knew that it had to be a rather old S.H.I.E.L.D jet because holy hell, those things were modern! Hill laughed as she turned around in awe.
“Are we impressed?”
Natalia nodded. “Absolutely. I want to fly one of these.”
Hill laughed again. “I think we can arrange that sometime.”
Next, they went into the lab and watched the stealth chute being assembled, but Natalia mainly observed Hill, intrigued by how openly she displayed her emotions. In the beginning, she had thought Clint’s emotions were completely over the top, almost cartoonish, but she had grown used to it and now she began to think it was a normal thing, that that was how people were. She would have never thought of showing so much excitement and joy, even if the stealth chute was objectively cool.
“Let’s go to your apartment real quick before we eat,” Hill suggested, leading her to the elevator. “Apartments,” she said and the doors closed softly.
Surprised, Natalia watched the world disappear above.
“They are underground?” she asked.
Hill shrugged. “I think it’s meant to be safer or something, but yeah, I know, not great. Everyone who can help it moves out of there. Sorry, this is probably not really what you envisioned.”
Natalia stepped out into the corridor. The light was chosen to be as comfortable as possible, but it was clearly an underground corridor.
“Here we are.” Hill handed her a key. “This is yours.”
Natalia unlocked the door silently, taking a look into her new room.
Better than the Red Room, was her first thought as she spotted the blanket on the bed and the open door leading to a small bathroom. She’d manage here just fine.
And yet… she couldn’t help remembering how heavy and thick her blanket at ho… at the farm had been. The window sill she had always sat in, the stack of books getting higher and higher on the floor because there was no other place to put them. This room was bigger, but somehow that only made it feel empty.
“Yeah, I know,” Hill commented with a grimace. “I looked like that, too when I first had my room here.”
Natalia turned around and forced a smile. Let’s just act like it’s the same.
“No, no, it’s fine, I mean, it’s rather big. I’ve never had that much space for myself.”
Hill laughed. “Look at how polite you are. My fellow recruits and I complained so much about it when we were new!"
Imagine feeling safe enough to complain about your room. Natalia felt the little spark of hope flicker back to life, the hope that S.H.I.E.L.D would be better.
“Why are you showing me all this?” she asked later, poking around in her food in the canteen. “The tour I mean. I’ve not proven myself trustworthy or anything.”
Hill looked up. “Barton,” she replied simply. “You’ve saved his life, more than once, so even if you’re not technically loyal to S.H.I.E.L.D, you’re loyal to him, aren’t you?”
Natalia looked away but nodded. Whatever had happened, she owed Clint much more than she could ever repay him.
“Hey look,” Hill said rather gently. “Whatever happened between the two of you, don’t worry about it. Clint doesn’t hold grudges for longer than two minutes, and I’m sure if it’s a misunderstanding you can clear it up in no time. Unless you’re the one who has a right to be mad in this,” she added. “In that case, it’s up to you, of course.”
Natalia shook her head, swallowing hard.
“No, I’m not mad. I’d be happy to get this out of the way.”
Hill reached out to gently touch her arm.
“Hey, don’t worry. It’ll all work out, trust me. I know Clint, and he’s not one to give up on people quickly. He’s gonna be back for you in no time.”
[Now on with the regular chapter]
Clint had to force himself not to go and look for Natalia right away when he arrived at the Triskelion at half-past four. He had wanted to be here exactly at three, as early as Fury allowed, but Laura had insisted he slept for as long as he could. Now he was here at last, and he wanted to see Natalia urgently. Sure, Fury had asked him to come straight to him, but Clint had ignored orders before and was ready to do so again. In the end, he still went up to the office first.
“Good afternoon, Sir,” he greeted Fury.
“Barton.” Fury was standing by the window, not even really looking at him.
“Is she okay?” Clint asked simply.
Fury shrugged.
“The psychological evaluation turned out much better than expected, she seems to be emotionally stable and perfectly ready to work.”
Clint drew a sharp breath.
“You want to let her work? Really?”
Fury turned around.
“Yes,” he said simply. “She’s incredibly skilled, it would be a waste. Unless,” he added, then paused for the fraction of a second. “Why did she run from you?”
Clint hesitated. Fury knew of Laura and Cooper, but he never liked mentioning them here, even if Fury’s office was probably the least bugged in the whole building.
“Connor teased her,” he said. “She backed off and I… we mistook it for an attack. I asked her to back down quite harshly and she ran.”
Connor. Think that his little boy had an alias already. Clint cleared his throat.
“I don’t think you should send her on missions yet, Director. She’s better, but she’s not fully recovered.”
“Will she ever?” Fury retorted bluntly and quite correctly. “She will have to live with it and if that’s the path she chooses…”
“She only chose that path because I scared her, and she couldn’t think of anything better.”
“If she wants to back out of the deal now that you’re here, I won’t stop her.”
Clint sighed.
“Can I go see her now?”
Fury raised his eyebrows but nodded.
“Apartment 64.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
Clint knocked on the door of the apartment rather softly, not wanting to startle Natalia. He didn’t hear her come to the door, naturally.
Her eyes widened as she saw him.
“Hey there,” he said awkwardly.
She nodded, looking away as she let him in. Apparently, she didn’t go heavy on verbal communication yet. She gestured him to sit silently and he obeyed, settling on the chair of the small apartment. Natalia sat down on the bed, hands in her lap. She was looking very business-like, dressed in S.H.I.E.L.D clothing and her hair tied up into a ponytail. Somehow it reminded her of Hill.
He cleared his throat.
“I’m sorry, Natalia,” he said simply. “We are. We screwed up yesterday and we know it. It wasn’t right not to stop to ask your side or even any side of the matter before shouting at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m really sorry.”
She shrugged.
“It’s okay.”
It was strange to hear her voice again after all this time, so casually.
“Is it?” Clint persisted. “I really want you to understand that… We want this to be okay again, really, and if you have to shout at me, at us for that, then please do. You have a right to be mad at us.”
She shrugged again.
“It was a misunderstanding. I’m not mad." Her voice sounded bleak, distant. Not at all like the emotion she had always displayed in writing. Clint moved his fingers uncomfortably.
What could he ask of her now? He couldn't ask her to be like before any more than he could ask her to change her eye color.
“You can speak again. When did it come back?” he asked, changing the topic.
Natalia shrugged.
“I realized yesterday.”
“Weird,” he commented, meaning the timing of it. Why did a new emotional hit bring back her voice? Natalia seemed to have guessed his thought.
“You can’t learn to get up unless you fall first,” she remarked simply, not accusingly, but Clint felt a lump come to his throat. He had let her fall, forced her to be stronger than she was so she could survive without them. Was that her secret? Always being as strong as needed, no matter how hard that was?
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s more convenient that way,” she replied simply.
Clint sighed.
“Will you come home with me?” he asked, not even sure if Fury would let him. Natalia shook her head.
“I can work,” she said bleakly, eyes not betraying any emotion. “I don’t need any more recovery time.”
“You had a bad day just yesterday,” Clint remarked, eyebrows raised. He just wanted her safe, for damn’s sake, not out there killing people again.
She shrugged.
“I can’t wait forever till I never have any bad days. I don’t know when or if that will be the case.”
“You can only work when you can be sure you can keep yourself safe,” he persisted.
Natalia raised her eyebrows.
“I am,” she returned firmly. “I can keep myself safe. I always have.”
The last bit stung even if she hadn’t intended it that way. Of course she had. The Red Room had forced her to take care of herself. And he had promised to be different.
“I should have suggested it earlier,” she said, almost apologetically. “I was planning to anyway. And you’ll be able to get back to work, too. I know you want to.”
Dangit, he couldn’t even argue against that. He wanted to work. He loved his family dearly and enjoyed his time on the farm, but he had been getting bored.
“You could go back without me,” he suggested weakly.
Natalia sighed.
“Thanks for the offer. I’ll stay here. For now at least,” she added half-heartedly, leaving it unclear whether she ever meant to return.
Clint sighed. Briefly, he wondered if there was a way to persuade her, but decided to leave it for now.
“You’ll be training now? How long?”
She shook her head.
“I wasn’t told. As long as it takes, I guess.”
Clint pulled a key from his pocket.
“I have an apartment here in D.C,” he explained. “You can go there and use it whenever you like.”
She took the key, fingers lightly touching his. She didn’t even blink and so he didn’t apologize, figuring she hadn’t noticed.
“Thank you, Clint. I appreciate everything you have done for me. All of you.”
It sounded like a goodbye. Clint smiled as if he hadn’t noticed, his heart cramping up.
“Now you don’t think you’ve seen the last of us, kid. I intend to stick around for a bit.”
For a second, she almost smiled.
“That’s good to know.”
Fury had asked Clint to come over again and the archer obliged, after a talk with Laura where he had assured her that Natalia was fine but that she wouldn’t come home. He didn’t say how unsure he was about her recruitment, knowing that most of it was his protective instinct running wild. He had seen Natalia kick so much ass, this wouldn’t be any different.
“And?” Fury asked. “Did she change her mind?”
Clint shook his head in defeat. Those two against him were too much of a force to fight back.
“I don’t think she’s ready, Sir.”
“The evaluation shows different results, Barton. She looks to be in good shape and she’s expressed a will to work.”
“She absolutely cheated her way through that evaluation,” Clint protested. “She’s not okay.”
“If she cheated our evaluation she is more than fit for work, I would say,” Fury retorted. “Speaking of fit for work, so are you. I’ve gone without Hawkeye long enough and since the little spider doesn’t need babysitting anymore, I’d like you back in the field.”
Clint was aware that he was gently being steered away from Natalia, but the mere thought of a mission made his fingers twitch.
“What have you got for me, Sir?”
Clint returned to S.H.I.E.L.D HQ two weeks later. His mission had been a success, though quite long, and he was glad to be back. Professionally, he finished his briefing with Fury before asking the question that was on his mind.
“How’s Natalia doing?”
Fury’s eyebrows rose.
“Good, Agent Barton, very good. She’s an extraordinarily skilled person.”
Clint scoffed. "That I know. Mentally, I mean."
“Nothing to complain about,” Fury replied with a shrug.
Clint sighed. Apparently, Fury didn’t want to answer the question properly.
“Where do I find her?” he asked.
“That might be slightly difficult,” Fury said. “She’s currently in Chicago on a mission.”
Clint felt the color draining out of his cheeks.
“She what?”
“She got back into shape incredibly quickly and there was no reason to keep her in training for longer than required. This is her third mission, and I’ve got to say, you were right, she’s an even more valuable asset than I thought.”
“She’s a traumatized 17-year-old!” Clint returned harshly. “You’re putting her in danger!”
“Not more than she can handle,” Fury replied just as firmly. “She’s the world’s most infamous assassin, and these people didn’t only hurt her this once. Her skill isn’t impacted by her trauma, if I wasn’t convinced of that, I would not let her go out there.” He shook his head. “This is exactly what you brought her here for, Barton, now don’t overprotect her. She’s more than capable of what I ask of her.”
“You have no right-“ Clint burst out, but Fury cut in quite sharply.
“I might have given you a lot of leeway in dealing with her recovery, but on paper, it’s still me who’s her legal guardian and not you, Barton.”
Clint couldn't say anything to that. He might know Natalia much better than Fury, but on paper, he had no say in it. They had agreed on that because it meant less bureaucracy, and after all, Natalia would be 18 in a few months, so Clint hadn't seen it as this big impactful decision. Now he wished he had insisted on being responsible for her.
He pushed his chair back.
"You'll be responsible if she gets hurt," he remarked bitingly as he left. He knew it was unfair, but he felt helpless even if he reminded himself that she was incredibly strong, that he had so much proof for that fact, and that Fury would start with low-risk operations to help her get back into it.
He was being overprotective, he knew, but he wanted to shield Natalia from more harm, no matter from which side.
Clint felt himself releasing an internal breath as he spotted a familiar face at a far-off table in the canteen the next day. She was wearing a uniform now, the zipper half-opened to give some room to breathe. He got his food and slipped onto a seat opposite her.
“Hey there, kid. Mission safely accomplished?”
She nodded slightly, poking at her food with her fork.
“I’m glad you’re back,” Clint said genuinely. “I have to get used to you going off fighting crime again after all that time.”
She scoffed a bit, almost a laugh.
“I could kick your ass again by now, Hawkeye.”
He laughed.
“Probably. Is it like you imagined?” he asked more seriously.
She shrugged.
“I didn’t imagine anything. The missions are quite okay, I would say, I didn’t feel bad about them or anything.” She shrugged again. “It’s nice, having the choice.”
He smiled. “I’d hoped you’d feel that way. Maybe we’ll be paired for an operation sometime, would be neat, right?”
She nodded, finally putting something into her mouth. It was hard seeing her struggle, but he knew it must be worse for her.
“Natalia?” he asked. She looked up.
“Oh, I go by Natasha now,” she corrected quietly as if it wasn’t a big deal. Clint raised both eyebrows in surprise.
“Natasha? I mean, cool, but why? Since when?”
“Coulson asked me about the ID they made for me, and I decided spontaneously.” She shrugged.
“Natasha,” Clint repeated thoughtfully. “Did you want to go more American?”
She looked away. “It’s actually the Russian short form of my name. I kind of like the sound.”
“It does sound good. I hope I won’t forget. I mean, I kind of don’t call you by your name ever so you probably won’t even notice.” He grinned, but he was happy about the change. This would be a name that he would not mind calling her, not something that Red Room woman had desecrated and destroyed by using it. Probably that was the real reason behind the change anyway.
Clint smiled. “Natasha Romanov, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. That’s something, isn’t it?”
The red-haired girl smiled lightly, barely a twitch of the mouth.
“It is,” she replied. “It certainly is.”