The Farm
Laura Barton was nervous. Hastily, she smoothened the fresh sheet on the bed, checked if everything else was fine, and then forced herself to leave the guestroom. She wasn’t very used to guests overall and the one she would be housing now was special in her own right.
She had been terrified when Clint had told her that he had been knocked out on a mission. He could have been killed, and it had entirely not been within his control that he hadn’t been. She had been even more scared when he had been assigned with taking the very woman down who had overtaken him. As if it wasn’t enough that he had been in danger once. And he had come home with a gunshot wound, not dangerous, but it might have been. He had been thoughtful when he came back, telling her that something was off about the girl he was out to get -he had switched to girl at this point, having realized that his target was still underage. The kill order was dropped, and he went to look for her. He had called after finding her, upset and determined to keep his promise to her. She had hated that he had gone to Russia to take that horrible organization down, but she had understood. The girl had spared and possibly saved his life two times, he couldn't get around with leaving her alone now.
She still heard his voice when he called after the mission.
“I’m okay,” were his first words. “We’ve got her, too. She’s barely alive, though, they all but starved her to death. I think they might have done it,” he added with a sigh. “Breaking her, I mean. She was so frightened, Laur, it was heartbreaking. She’ll take years to heal from this.”
He stayed at S.H.I.E.L.D, waiting for Natalia to wake up. Laura found herself almost automatically worrying, too. She knew Natalia was a former assassin and responsible for a lot of death, but she was also a -as they now knew- 17-year-old girl who had been through hell on earth and risked a lot for her husband, a man she hardly knew.
Then Clint had called two days ago, saying he wanted to bring Natalia home.
“She’s not very well yet, but the doctors will let her out if I take responsibility. They stress her out, and I’d hate to take her to the apartment in DC which nobody likes, so... I think the best shot would be home, with the two of us giving her proper care, and someplace where she can actually relax.”
Laura had agreed, naturally, and prepared the guestroom for Natalia. She agreed with Clint that it would probably be better for her to be in their remote home with a lot of space, but also care and hospitality instead of S.H.I.E.L.D’s businesslike providing of her basic needs.
She went downstairs, tousling Cooper’s hair. She had told him that Dad was bringing a friend who was sick and needed a lot of rest. Her son had nodded gravely and suggested making Hot Lemon because that was his favorite 'sick drink'.
Now he jumped up, hearing the familiar sound of a jet landing.
“Daddy’s back!” he exclaimed excitedly.
Laura nodded, lifting him up into her arms and carrying him out to the porch.
Clint had maneuvered the jet a lot closer than usual, now he came out on the back, closely followed by a small figure. Cooper wriggled in Laura’s arms.
“I want daddy!” he complained.
“Wait a minute, honey,” Laura replied quietly. “Let him show our guest the way first.”
Clint waved at them, smiling broadly, that much Laura could tell even from the distance. He didn’t support Natalia which probably meant that she didn’t want him to because she did seem incredibly frail and insecure on her feet. From the way that Clint didn’t even attempt to hurry towards them, she knew he was worried about the red-head as well.
“Dad!” Cooper cried and forced his way out of her arms, dashing towards his father.
Laura followed him quickly so she was reaching them as soon as Clint caught Cooper and hugged him. Natalia stood still, shivering ever so slightly, and stared at the ground.
“Hey, buddy,” Clint murmured, cuddling Cooper affectionately. He smiled at Laura over Cooper’s shoulder. “Hey there, love.”
Laura smiled at him and he pulled her close shortly, but tenderly. Then he put Cooper down and turned back to their visitor.
“Natalia, meet Laura, my wife, and our son, Cooper. And this is Natalia.”
Laura smiled at the girl, hiding her shock at how sick she looked.
“Hi Natalia, I’m Laura. It’s nice to meet you.”
Natalia’s eyes flashed to her quickly, then she gave the tiniest resemblance of a nod.
“It was a long flight,” Clint said, directed to both of them equally. Laura nodded.
“I bet. How about I show you your room, Natalia, and we give you a little time to settle in?”
Natalia didn’t reply, her eyes only flashed to Clint.
“Sounds great,” he answered with a smile. “Remember you can text or call if you need anything, yeah?” he added towards Natalia. “I’ll come to check on you later.”
The girl nodded again but Laura saw her eyes flashing around. She was checking for possible escape routes.
“Do you want me to help you?” she asked quietly, directing another smile at Natalia. The shake of the head didn’t come unexpectedly. Eyes now firmly on the ground, Natalia followed her, refusing to set the pace. She didn’t turn around to Clint and always stayed slightly behind Laura which was worrying because Laura wasn’t sure if she would have to catch or support the girl at some point.
Natalia stayed close to the handrail as they went up to the porch, always close to the wall as they entered. Even though it didn’t look like it, Laura was sure she was observing and analyzing every bit of the house.
“It’s upstairs,” she explained apologetically. “All the bedrooms are. Take it slowly.”
Natalia’s dainty fingers ran over the wallpaper as she climbed the stairs stoically, ready to support herself but not to back down. She was even thinner than Laura had thought she would be, it was impossible to imagine that she could ever hold down Clint. Probably she couldn’t, not right now at least.
She opened the door of the small guestroom, inviting Natalia in with a gesture.
“It hasn’t been used in a while,” she remarked, just to say something. “We can make it more your own as we go. I left some clothes of mine in the wardrobe, they'll be too big, but I think it will be okay until we can go shopping sometime. That door leads to the bathroom, if you need help showering or something, you can always ask. If you need anything really. I can do basic ASL, too, and you can always spell it out or write it down. Oh, I forgot, I’ll bring you a notepad or something like that later.” She realized how fast she had been speaking and breathed through a bit. “Uhm, yeah, that’s all I can think of for the moment. Do you need anything?”
Natalia had been standing by the door, eyes following Laura nervously. Now she started a little and shook her head, hastily signing ‘Okay’.
Laura realized that the girl had no proper way to call for them downstairs if she needed anything. She'd have to check on her frequently.
“Okay,” she said with a smile. “I’ll let you settle in now, and I’ll check on you in a bit, okay? If you want to come downstairs, watch your step. Or make a sound so one of us can come and watch out.”
Yeah, she won’t do that. But at least I said it.
Natalia signed ‘okay’ again. A small furrow on her forehead clearly gave away she was uncomfortable, naturally. Laura understood why Clint had gently nudged her to lead Natalia up, but she wasn’t sure if it had been the right choice. Maybe it would be better for the girl not to deal with too much new at once.
“Well then, see you later,” Laura said with a small smile and left the room.
As soon as the door closed behind Laura, Natalia dropped onto the bed and curled herself up in the farthest corner of it. Panicked shivers ran through her body, so severely that her teeth chattered. Heavily, dizzyingly, her breaths pumped air into her lungs. She couldn’t say what stressed her out so much, but she was frightened to death and there was nothing she could do to calm herself.
She was so weak. Laura had been so friendly to her, a bit nervous, but so amiable. There was no reason to be afraid of her, of this house, of anything. Why was she so scared all the time now that she was safe, now that Clint had made sure that she never had to go back to the Red Room? There was no danger.
And yet, here she was, the girl known as the fearful Black Widow, curled up on a bed and panting and shaking just from being here, as if she hadn’t been trained ever since she could remember to control her emotions, to suppress her fear and sadness at all times, even when she was alone because she couldn’t afford to break, not even for a second.
She groaned because she had to make a sound, hoping, begging that they wouldn’t hear and come to look for her because she couldn’t bear anyone right now, not even Clint’s gentle empathetic care that she didn’t understand but needed so much. But not now.
Time went blurred as she concentrated not to choke to death, at some point she felt her sleeve being wet against her cheek, she must have started crying, and then, finally, her body decided it was enough and allowed sleep to take over.
When Laura came downstairs, Clint and Cooper were sitting on the living room floor together and Cooper showed his father his new toy dinosaurs. Clint smiled, tousling his son’s hair as he held him close. He looked up as Laura came into the room, opened his mouth for a question, reconsidered, and reached out to pull her in his arms. Cooper giggled as he found himself in a cuddle-sandwich between his parents.
“I missed you, love,” Clint whispered into her hair.
“I missed you, too,” she replied softly, as always, knowing that he understood that she meant so much more.
“Me, too!” Cooper demanded and Clint laughed. “Yes, I missed you, too, buddy.”
He held them silently for a while before he looked back up.
“How’d it go?” he asked with a grimace.
Laura sighed. “She’s scared of me. I think she’d prefer you.”
Clint grimaced again.
“Yeah, I know. But I don’t know how long Fury will let me stay, he’s not said anything yet, but I can’t stay off missions forever, but she’ll take a few months, even just physically. Maybe I’ll have to leave her alone with you for a while, that’s why I want her to get used to you as quickly as possible.” He sighed. “Maybe the first day was a bit too early for that.”
Laura nodded, understanding.
“We’ll do our best,” she said with a tiny smile. Clint nodded, kissing her.
“We always do.”
About twenty minutes later, Laura decided to check on the girl again. There had been no sound from her room which she found a bit concerning even though she probably shouldn’t have, but Natalia’s state had shocked her and she wanted to make sure that nothing was wrong.
Laura went upstairs with a notepad and a ballpoint pen, knocking on the door. She waited for as long as a verbal reply would have taken before she opened it, figuring that Natalia would probably wait and do nothing. Looking in, her face fell as she saw the tiny figure curled up on the bed, tense even in her sleep, still in the clothing she had arrived in. Traces of tears glistened on Natalia’s pale, strained face, her fists were clenched.
“Natalia?” Laura asked quietly, not really surprised as she got no reaction. The girl looked so exhausted…
She went over, leaving the notepad on the nightstand, then debated with herself for a few seconds before she went back down.
“Clint, can you come up for a second?”
He started, coming to his feet immediately. She made a small gesture to calm him, that it wasn’t medically serious. He stroked Cooper quickly before he followed.
Pain flashed over his face as he saw Natalia. Laura looked up at him.
“She’s wearing her shoes but I didn’t know if I could… I’m not sure if she would allow me to touch her.”
Clint nodded. “I’ll do that for now, we'll have to figure the two of you out in the next few days. I shouldn't have overwhelmed her like that, the flight was tiring already, and the new environment… It was too much to ask to adapt to a new person, too."
Laura watched as he went over and removed Natalia’s shoes before tucking her in. Gently, a bit like he did with Cooper. She knew that he felt attached to Natalia, not only out of compassion but also out of genuine fondness for her, and she hoped that she’d have a chance to develop a bond with the girl, too. Which was why she appreciated Clint’s effort to get them together. It was too early, she told herself, with time, it would be easier for both of them.
Clint ran his hand over Natalia’s back lightly.
“You worked yourself up quite a bit, didn’t you, kid?” he murmured. “I’m sorry, I’ll be more considerate next time.”
He straightened, returning to Laura. “Let’s let her sleep.” He took her arm and guided her out, closing the door behind them. “You know it’s not about you, Laur, right? She’ll like you, I bet she will.”
She nodded a little. “I hope. We’ll take it slowly and it’ll be fine. Don’t worry too much, darling, okay?” She leaned against him, feeling how glad she was to have him back after way too long. He wrapped his arm around her.
“I love you,” he whispered tenderly. “I love you so much, Laur.”
When Natalia woke, the sunlight was painting the room red and orange, a hasty look at the clock on the nightstand revealed it was half-past eight in the evening. She rubbed her itching eyes, staying underneath the blanket. It was very heavy compared to the one at S.H.I.E.L.D and smelled a lot better, a flowery detergent that was strangely familiar though she knew the Red Room hadn’t used it. Confused, she wrapped it around herself more tightly. Only now she saw the plate on her nightstand, covered by a cloche. She lifted herself up, still wrapped up into the blanket to look at the food, but her eyes caught a notepad first, the notepad Laura had promised to bring.
Enjoy your meal, I hope it’s still warm when you wake :)
She knew right away that this wasn’t Clint’s handwriting and relief seeped through her. She hadn’t annoyed Laura.
It was a little easier to eat here, even though it stressed her that this food was made specifically for her and she didn’t want to waste it but when she couldn’t manage any more of it, she had still eaten more than half and that was more than she had ever managed at S.H.I.E.L.D.
A bit reluctantly, she wriggled out of the blanket. She had gotten into the habit of only taking minimal care of herself but here, there were no doctors and nurses and she decided she would be able to do things on her own again. Her clothes were all sweaty from the panic earlier and she could use a shower. It might be nice to have a bit of time on her own like that.
She trudged over to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. After a quick look around, she quickly undressed, dumping the clothes into a laundry basket. She tried not to look at the full-size mirror on the wall, but she couldn’t help looking down at herself when she entered the shower.
She wrapped her arms around her skinny body, closing her eyes in discomfort. She wasn’t generally self-conscious about her looks, in her time in the field she had been told she was pretty a lot, and looking in the mirror she had, without pride or any emotion, acknowledged it. She was used to being thin, and mostly covered in bruises, she knew her scars and they had never particularly fazed her. But this… She hated feeling her bones like that, and she hated how weak it made her, how vulnerable she felt all the time. Lying on her back was unbearable sometimes, the uncomfortable flatness of her stomach almost making it hard to breathe which in and of itself would have been a reason to curl up all the time because it didn’t feel so horrible then.
She felt a little dizzy and so she sat down in the shower, letting the water run over her. That did feel good, and the shampoo smelled pleasant, too. She wasn’t used to having warm water in the shower.
She was again reluctant to leave the shower, wrapping herself into the soft bathrobe that she figured would be for her. Going back into the bedroom, she opened the wardrobe, shivering a bit from the temperature difference. She was always freezing so quickly these days…
She chose a long-sleeve and a grey jacket to put on top as well as some loose jogging pants. Her towel-dried hair left wet spots on the top, but she decided it would be fine.
She wasn’t hungry anymore, well, actually she had not been hungry in the first place but she forced herself to eat a bit more because she was able to right now and she knew she needed the calory intake, she understood she had to eat to become stronger and she ate all she could, hoping she’d eventually get to a point where not every meal would be an internal battle that she dreaded every time.
She jumped violently when someone knocked on the door, then made a futile attempt at speaking. Clint peaked in, to her relief. She knew how to behave around him, he got her. She wasn’t afraid of him.
“Hey there, I heard the shower running. Having dinner?”
She shrugged, putting her fork away, thankful for the excuse.
“Settled in?” he asked, closing the door behind him. “Not as overwhelmed as you were before, are you?”
Of course he knew. He must have been here to tuck her in.
She shook her head, blushing, adding a quick ‘okay’ sign.
“I’m sorry if I made this harder for you than it had to be.” His voice was serious. “I hope you’ll eventually feel better here, that it’ll help you to be in a slightly more… remote place, so to speak.”
She nodded again. Clint smiled a bit.
“You can come downstairs whenever you want, okay? But if you’re not feeling up to the stairs, I would much prefer you wrote me a message asking for help than having you break your neck falling down, okay? Same applies to anything else, please ask for help before you get yourself hurt.”
So that had been what Laura had wanted to say earlier. In another life, Natalia might have been amused.
‘Okay’ she signed and Clint smiled.
“Did you like the food?” he asked. “Laura can cook so much better than S.H.I.E.L.D, right?”
Natalia nodded. It was true, the food had been nice, but she wasn’t in a place to enjoy it properly at the moment.
"Do you want to come down and watch a movie with us? Or play a board game?"
Natalia looked away as she shook her head. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate the offer but…
‘Sorry, too much’ she signed.
Clint nodded. “I see. That’s perfectly okay. Some other time when you feel up to it.” He smiled gently. “Is there anything you need?”
Natalia shook her head again and Clint got up.
“Okay, then sleep well, okay? Cellphone’s switched on just in case.”
She nodded again. He was being way too nice to her. How could she ever repay this?
‘Thank you’ she signed.
He smiled, and this time he signed back. ‘You’re welcome. Good night.’
Natalia woke briefly when the sun rose, but she must have dozed off again because when she opened her eyes the next time the room was filled with light. Stretching, she felt the comfortable warmth of the blanket around her, encapsulating her body heat like a sleeping bag. She liked how heavy it was, it made her feel somewhat protected.
She lay still, listening to the sounds of the sleeping house. Or well, not quite sleeping, there was someone downstairs, clattering with a plate. Imagine waking up like this all the time. Imagine living here. Why was Clint even leaving?
She knew, of course. Clint loved his job, the excitement, and the difference it could make, he had talked a lot about that in the last weeks, and he wouldn’t like to give it up. Maybe she’d feel the same if she started working for S.H.I.E.L.D.
She hadn’t changed her clothes for the night, not really seeing the reason to, and she didn’t feel like getting up to brush her hair or anything either, so she just stayed in bed, not feeling the urge to be productive. Not that she could think of anything to do, but if she had, she wouldn’t have done it.
There was a knock on the door, startling her less than she would have thought. Laura peaked in, smiling at her.
“Oh hi there, you’re already up?”
Natalia shrugged, could one say she was ‘up’? She sat up reluctantly.
“Oh, don’t,” Laura said. “You can stay in bed, that’s no problem. I’ve made breakfast.”
She lifted up the plate she was carrying, stepping into the room.
“I’ll put it down over here,” she continued easily, putting the food on the nightstand like the evening before. Only now Natalia saw that the other plate was gone, someone had to have taken it after she had fallen asleep.
“Did you sleep well?” Laura asked. Yesterday’s nervousness had vanished from her voice, she just sounded sure and amiable now.
Natalia nodded.
After a second of hesitation, she picked up the notepad Laura had brought her and wrote down a few words. She wanted to show she appreciated the gesture.
Thank you. Dinner tasted very nice, and thank you for everything you’ve prepared for me. I’m sorry I’m a difficult houseguest, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful.
She offered Laura the note rather timidly. The woman’s warm brown eyes ran over it quickly.
“Oh no, you don’t need to apologize, dear, we’re glad to have you! You’re going through a hard time and if there’s anything I can do for you, I will gladly do so. You know,” she added softly. “Clint is quite fond of you and I trust his judgment. I'm sure we'll like each other."
Natalia felt her heart cramp up, painfully but warmly. Laura might have easily said ‘you saved Clint’s life, that’s why I host you’ and she would have accepted it. It was logical. And Clint had compassion for her, it was his sense of morality that made him care, she had always assumed that. There was no reason for Laura to say Clint was fond of her unless it was true.
“Would you rather have company or eat alone?” Laura asked with a smile.
Natalia was taken aback by the sudden choice she was given. She thought for a moment before she wrote again.
I don’t know which way I prefer it. You don’t have to stay.
Again, Laura read. She raised an eyebrow.
“Okay, I’m in a bit of a weird situation now. I don’t know you very well yet so I’m not sure if that is a diplomatic way of saying you’d rather be alone or if you don’t want to bother me. You understand?”
Natalia nodded.
I’m sorry I didn’t put it clearly. I don’t mind eating alone, but I don’t think I’d mind you staying either. I’m sorry, I really don’t know.
Laura nodded.
“Okay, that’s okay. In that case, I’ll stay, okay? I’d feel bad leaving you alone in your room all day.”
Natalia tried to smile a bit and pushed the blanket away. Laura sat down on the far end of the bed as she took the plate into her lap.
“I’m glad Clint brought you with him,” Laura said earnestly. “I hope we can make you a bit more comfortable than S.H.I.E.L.D.” She shrugged. “I know they’re not a bad employer or anything, but when Clint’s injured I’ve always found he gets better much more quickly when he’s allowed to come home.”
Natalia swallowed with difficulty and looked over to the brown-haired woman fascinatedly. Imagine feeling good about coming home. Imagine ‘home’.
Her job required her to be very sensitive to human interaction and emotions and this place was just filled with love. Even in the few seconds she had seen them together, she had known Clint and Laura had a deep and sincere connection that was incomparable to anything she had ever had, with each other and their son. Sure, Clint might have a slight fondness for her, but no person in this world could ever feel for her as deeply as this family did for each other. She had no place in the world.
She turned her burning eyes back to her plate and forced the food down her throat viciously, trying to keep her composure. Loneliness. She had never really minded being alone, or so she had told herself.
“It’s very hard, isn’t it?” Laura asked gently when she gave up and put the plate away.
Natalia shrugged, ashamed. It shouldn’t be hard. She should be able to do better.
“You managed a bit, though,” Laura encouraged. “That’s good. Do you want to come downstairs with me?”
Natalia shook her head. Who cared if she was weak, she couldn’t bear any more interaction with anyone, even when that someone was as nice as Laura.
Clint knocked on Natalia’s door, the usual politeness even if he knew she wouldn't verbally reply. Peeking in, he saw her curled up on the window sill which was deep enough for a petite person or a child to sit in, albeit uncomfortably. She was like a cat in some sense, always curled up into a Natalia-shaped ball somewhere that he would never even dream of jamming himself into.
“Watching the sun go down?” he asked, stepping closer.
She turned around a bit, nodded. He spotted the notepad in her lap and figured she was actually ‘talking to herself’ in a way.
“I always like the way it looks here,” he said casually. “The city couldn’t compare.”
She nodded again, turning to look out. Her face was illuminated by the warm light, softening her features.
“How are you doing?” he asked gently. “For real. You know I’ve promised to take care of you properly.”
She shrugged, a small, pained look flashing over her face, and started writing. She used sign language for short and easy sentences, and she would take whatever sign he offered, but for longer things, she preferred writing. He couldn’t believe he had been so stupid not to think of that possibility, it was literally the easiest way to communicate.
She offered him the note, filled with her small, tidy handwriting.
I don’t know why I don’t get better more quickly. I’ve never had problems with food before and I don’t know why it’s so difficult to get back into it. I should be better, there’s nothing wrong with me medically, I know, but I don’t feel like myself… I was never sick before, not like that. I don’t know why I’m so weak now, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want to be trouble for you and Laura and I don’t want to waste anything. And I don’t want to cry about it which I’m doing now. I’m sorry. I think I’m okay overall.
Clint sighed deeply. He sat down on her bed, facing her. There was so much wrong in her mind about this, he had no idea how to start right.
“Kid. Kid, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay so you’re not any trouble. I took you here knowing full well this would take time and effort on our part as well as yours and Laura knew it, too. If we hadn’t been ready to support you, we wouldn’t have taken you in like this. I get you’re frustrated that it takes time, I’d be if it was me. You know,” he continued carefully. “I think I know what you mean by ‘I was never sick’. They were mad at you if you were, right? They determined the time you had to get well, or else. Am I right?”
She shrugged, then nodded. Quickly, her hand ran across her throat, a small, sickening implication.
“Not here,” he said simply. “Not in the real world. Not with us. No matter how long and how hard it will be, we’ll never. Not if it was physical, but especially since it’s mental. We can’t even imagine what you’re going through, so nobody can tell you how much time you are allowed to need. Makes sense?”
But it’s not normal. I ought to be fine.
“Kid, nobody who’s been through something like that is fine. Not even you. You’re not some untouchable god, you’re a human and humans break. I don’t know a single person who would have been fine. It’s normal. And kid,” he added. “You are getting better. I don’t know if you can see it, but I do. We can tell you are giving your best and it’s helping. You’re looking so much better than a week ago. Don’t pressure yourself so much.”
She hugged herself, sitting still for a few seconds.
Why are you so nice to me?, she asked then.
Clint smiled and shrugged.
“Because you’ve grown on me, how’s that? We’ve had a couple misadventures together, it bonds. I mean, you like me a little bit, don’t you?”
She nodded shyly, a faint smile around the corners of her mouth.
“See, and I like you. Out here, you can simply be nice to someone if you like them.”
She understood what he meant by that, surprised how well he understood the Red Room even though she never mentioned it. In there, you couldn’t simply be nice to someone.
She nodded slowly, realizing that she wanted to be nice. She wanted to be like Clint and Laura.
Laura Barton gave a start when she saw a movement in the corner of her eye. Turning around, she saw Natalia backing away timidly and hastily signing ‘Sorry’.
“Hi there,” Laura exclaimed in surprise. She had expected anything, but the small red-head coming downstairs… Natalia had settled in a bit, getting into a sort of routine. Laura would spend breakfast time with her in her room and Clint checked on her in the evening, but during the day they mostly left her alone, especially since she always flinched so violently when anyone opened the door. She had never made an attempt to come down to them and yet, there she was, in a knitted cardigan of Laura’s, her red hair dangling over her shoulders, eyes now widened from Laura’s reaction.
“I didn’t see you,” Laura explained hastily. “I was lost in thought, it’s not your fault. Is something wrong?”
Natalia shook her head. She had the notepad pressed against her chest and now hastily wrote something down.
I’m sorry I startled you. I don’t want to bother you.
Laura shook her head vigorously.
"Oh no, why would you? It's nice to see you up on your feet. Clint’s outside, playing football with Coop, and I’m cooking lunch. Would you like to keep me company?”
Natalia nodded timidly, then gestured to the kitchenette.
‘Can I help?’ she signed.
“Sure.” Laura smiled. “Do you want to cut the vegetables? You can sit down at the table for it.”
Natalia gladly settled at the table and spent the next few minutes expertly cutting carrots and zucchini. Laura chatted casually without expecting an answer and she had the feeling that Natalia was comfortable, more comfortable than she usually was. She got up and brought the cut vegetables, laid the table, and then simply watched Laura preparing the meal. It occurred to Laura that she mightn't be familiar with cooking from her former life, surely she’d had a canteen at that horrid place.
“We could eat outside on the porch,” she remarked easily. “It’s so nice and warm today… Will you eat with us or do you want to be alone for it?”
She still hadn't quite figured out if the company was helping Natalia or not. Sometimes she had the feeling that the girl could bring herself to eat more easily when she was being monitored, but then again she looked like she was literally suffering sometimes and only forcing herself to please them. Laura never asked, it was a sensitive subject that she found hard to bring up. She just tried to leave the choice to Natalia.
The girl shrugged, then gestured in the direction of the porch to indicate she’d stay. Laura smiled at her.
“That’s nice.”
She went to the door to call Clint and Cooper in while Natalia gathered the plates and cutlery again to take out to the garden table. Clint beamed as he saw her.
“Whoa, kid, you’re up? That’s so neat, it’s so warm out here, you can’t believe it. And you could use some color.”
Laura rolled her eyes at him but Natalia didn’t seem to mind, as well as his ‘kid’, as he always called her. She laid the table outside and went back in to help Laura with the food. Shyly, she settled on a chair.
The mood was comfortable and while Natalia kept her eyes on her table even Laura who wasn’t a spy could tell from the absence of tension in her shoulders that the girl was calm enough. She ate slowly and laboriously but Laura was pretty sure this was merely her usual difficulty with it.
When they were finished she helped to clean up and fill the dishwasher without even being hinted to do so. Politeness, and a desire to be useful perhaps, Laura thought.
“Do you want to sit outside for a bit?” she asked Natalia. “You could read something, or just relax? The sun would be good for you.”
Natalia shrugged but followed Laura’s gesture meekly and settled on a chair on the porch. Laura brought her a book and a blanket and left her to herself, only to find the girl asleep half an hour later, the open book resting on her stomach. With a smile, Laura put the blanket around Natalia’s shoulders more closely. Poor little thing.
Natalia tried being downstairs more from that day forward. She always had her meals with the others now, finding that she preferred the distraction. In the afternoon they always left her to herself which was good because she needed the time on her own and so she stayed downstairs then, too, taking a strange comfort from not being really alone. Only in the evening she usually left for her room, feeling like she would be a nuisance to Clint and Laura. She had never had much to do with children -not positively anyway, and she was surprised at how much Cooper defined their life. When he had gone to bed, she figured they would want some time to themselves, not with their houseguest hanging about.
Summer hit with its full glory and Natalia could appreciate it for the first time, spending leisure time outside as much as she wanted.
Today, sitting on the porch as she often did, her eyes followed Laura who was just walking over the open field in a light dress and barefoot, like a mythical creature, a dryad, or a nymph. Her shoes lay inside, abandoned. All the Bartons walked around barefoot when they left the house.
Cautiously, Natalia got up. She was wearing a t-shirt and a simple black skirt that Laura had brought home for her some time ago, and she wasn’t freezing at all. It had gotten much better, she wasn’t cold as often as she had been a few weeks ago. Deliberately, she removed her socks, bare feet touching the wood of the porch. She had often trained barefoot, sometimes in the woods surrounding the Red Room, but she had never really stopped to feel grass beneath her feet. Carefully, she took the few steps down the stairs and then stepped left to land in the grass. She moved her toes, blades of grass bending under her soles. Actually, Natalia thought as she bowed down, it wasn’t all grass. Patches of clover, moss, and other plants littered the meadow, when she closed her eyes she could tell the difference with every step. Could one imagine…
Faintly, she heard Cooper laughing across the field, and Clint’s and Laura’s voices carried over by the wind. They were so happy…
She blinked away the thought that she was intruding into their happiness and picked up a daisy, absent-mindedly braiding it into her hair. There were quite a few daisies on the spot and she sat down and focused on the hairstyle a bit more, carefully weaving the flowers in between the red strands. Lizaveta would have liked that.
Natalia bit her lip at the thought of the brown-skinned girl with her big expressive eyes. She had had long, thick hair that Natalia had always thought very beautiful, and once she had helped Liza to weave flowers into her hair for a mission. There had been five of them who had graduated from the program, Tereza, Milyena, Angelina, Lizaveta, and her. Of the others, those who had died along the way, Natalia had been taught not to think and she was grateful for that because it would have hurt to think that she had gotten a chance the others had not.
Milyena had flipped in their first year after graduation and killed Angelina in the process, Natalia had not known nor wanted to know about the specifics. They had sentenced her to death for that. Tereza had been killed in action, and according to the mission it had been, she had probably wanted to be. Lizaveta had failed a mission, last year, and they had let Natalia kill her for that. Back then it meant death because Natalia could take her place and she wasn’t needed. If Lizaveta had still been alive a few months ago it would be Natalia who’d be dead.
Shivering, Natalia pulled the flowers out of her hair, regret running through her as she dropped them, torn from the ground, and destined to die through her selfishness. Her eyes burnt and she just knew she was undeserving, that this peace, this happiness that the Barton family so unconditionally and selflessly offered her was happiness she had to be stealing, stealing from somebody else whom she might not know. Somewhere in the world, somebody had to be miserable because she was eating up their happiness.
“Hey.”
Clint dropped down next to her. “You okay? Enjoying nature?”
Natalia shrugged. In a sense she was, maybe.
‘Thank you’ she signed, not looking at him.
He sounded surprised.
“Thank you? What for?”
She sighed and made a gesture enclosing the house and its inhabitants.
“For taking you here?” Clint guessed and she nodded, hugging herself. He smiled.
“I’m glad I did. You are feeling better here, aren’t you? You’re healing, much better than you would have at S.H.I.E.L.D. You are happier, aren’t you?”
Natalia nodded. She was happier, no doubt, though she wanted to pinch herself any minute, fearing this was a cruel dream. But even if this ended, she would know that there was such a thing as happiness. The Bartons were happy and she had done good the day she hadn’t killed Clint, she had done better than she could have imagined at the time. It would have been worth dying for, she knew that now.
And maybe they even liked her back, just a little bit.
She smiled a little, without really opening her lips, but for the first time in a very long time, her smile reached her eyes.