Just a little longer May.
“Peter?” I turn my head slightly gripping onto my knife. I clamp my mouth shut. “You haven’t eaten yet? Do you not like the food?” I shake my head, Turning my eyes to the plate of food. It blurs and now looks like misconfigured colours. I look back up and see the expectant eyes looking back at me. I shake my head as if to say what are you looking at? Then stab whatever my fork grabs onto. I shove it into my mouth. Their eyes turn back down. Whatever I stabbed at won’t go down. It catches and I cough cough cough. The night blurs and I think I may have gotten angry and thrown a plate at some innocent person. I’m in my bed now tracing my finger over my blade.
It’s red from the recent blood. I place it in my mouth tracing my tongue over the cool metal. I spit it out. Placing it carefully in a metal pencil case. A couple of minutes later or hours I can’t tell, He walks in. I’m sitting staring off into space on the edge of my bed. He touches me lightly. “I think, I think maybe it’s time to see someone again? Like Celine? Just someone to help you or just-“ “I’m not fucking going back do you fucking hear me? Leave me alone! Ok!? I can sort it out myself!” He just stares at me blankly. Like how I look. But all the time. “Peter we have left you alone for too long. You’re getting help.” I look him in the eyes and shove him. He topples off the bed. “I said leave me alone,” I say. I crawl to the top of the bed grabbing my phone and blasting tik tok music over his rambling. “Peter! Turn that off!” He screams yanking my phone and throwing it. I ignore him going to pick it up like nothing happened.
He grabs my shoulders and starts screaming. “Can’t you see I’m trying to help you! Can’t you see it hurt me too! Can’t you see every day I see you and I feel hopeless! Just please except the help! Please!” He screams shaking me. We stare into each other's eyes until my phone starts playing again. I shrug him off going to retrieve my phone. “I’ll get help if you get help” I whisper. I’ve seen his bottles of wine and beer. He can’t fool me. He looks defeated. He leaves not saying anything. Serves him right.
The next morning Tony is gone. Everyone else looks at me angrily. Probably from lasts night's performance. Clint has three stitches across his cheek. That was me throwing a plate. Stupid. I skip breakfast. It’s overrated. Toast is dry and cereal is just plain weird. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’ve watched every tik tok to my interest, Watched every Netflix movie strong enough to numb my pain, and listened to every song loud enough to make someone deaf. So I just stare off into the distance. Three hours later I am brought back to real life. Ugh, what a drag. It seems as if everyone has just acknowledged that I have entered another reality and worked around me.
I shake my head and look for something to eat. It all looks pointless. Why eat if you're going to die soon anyway? Tony comes back and just stares at me. “You have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00,” He says leaving so there is no room to argue. Whatever. I’ll just lie out of it anyway. I’m so mentally unstable I know how to fool them that I am. Ok, that didn’t make sense but who gives a damn? I decide to do some running. Not to cure my mental insanity but to get my mind off things.
I run for a couple of hours until the cold air makes my throat hurt and my stomach ache, Reminding me I skipped breakfast and that I can’t be running like this on empty. I run back into the building. It seems so empty now. It use to be full of life. Gosh, I was so, I don’t know. So normal back then. Ok maybe a couple of bits here and there, But I seemed so sane.
Like when we all baked stuff in the kitchen and Thor smashed his cake, Or when we use to watch movies together. It just seems like now everyone is brought down by my mood. Fucking hell. There in the kitchen, I disintegrate. I fall to the ground clinging onto the side of the bench a hand covering my mouth and my body shaking. I cover my ears my head into my knees and start screaming. I’m trying to go into another reality. Trying to escape. It’s not that easy when you’re having a panic attack, Or an anxiety attack. Whatever.
Someone snaked their hand around me, Griping me close to them. I just shake my head screaming the words “No” over and over again. Why May? Why May? I’m screaming over and over again. May. May. May. May. May. May. May. May. May. Her name means some much and so little at the same time. Why her? Why her? “Just calm down!” He screams. Calm down? He hasn’t lost everything. My home. May. Ben. My parents. Everything got taken away and I'm supposed to calm down? Who the fuck does he think he is?
I shake my head gulping in the air the I take for granted. "No" I mumble. Can't they see I'm no good? I'm a bad egg. Bad eggs are rotten and filthy and so am I. "Bad egg" I whisper. How many people are there around me? Why are they here? My tears have slowed and so has time.
"You want to talk?" Tony whispers. I shake my head. As if I want to talk! I don't even know what happened. How am I supposed to say it in words! I just grip tightly onto whoever's t-shirt that is and closes my eyes. I'm weak. Weak. So fucking weak. I'm just waiting for the right time to slit my wrists. When Tony is over his addiction.
When he can learn to deal with grief, Then I will leave. Because then the pain of me leaving won't be that bad because he will have gotten used to the pain of May's death. Then I will leave. Not too long now May. Not too long.