Chapter 3
He can't hold it.
"Please, Steve, please." Bucky begs. "Please, please, please. I need a diaper! Steve! Please, I can't hold it!"
It's been nearly 5 hours since Steve put his foot down and said no more diapers. Bucky's been trying to hold it in but he's at his limit.
"Bucky, come on. Let's go to the bathroom, I'll help you."
"I can't!" Bucky sobs. He's begging literally on his knees, nevermind the fact that it's because he couldn't stand up straight anymore from the horrible pressure in his bladder and not that he's on his knees just to beg. Both hands are buried in his crotch squeezing tight but that's still not gonna hold back the flood forever. "I can't, Steve! I'm not allowed and I'm scared, and I have to go so bad I'm gonna burst, please Steve I wanna be good I don't wanna be bad, I don't wanna be in trouble!"
"I know you're scared, Buck. But it's gonna be okay. Let's just go to the bathroom, I'll talk you through it. No matter what happens you won't be in trouble and you're not bad. Just come to the bathroom with me, okay?"
"No, Steve, I can't! Why's it so hard to understand, I just can't!" Bucky snaps, before grunting in pain and curling in on himself as a painful cramp pulses through his abdomen. "It hurts, Stevie!" He bawls.
"It's not supposed to hurt, Buck. It doesn't have to hurt. Just get up and I'll take you to the bathroom." Steve says, bending down to pull Bucky up.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Bucky screams when he feels Steve's hands on him. Steve instantly takes a step back, holding his hands up.
Bucky sobs loudly as he feels a weak trickle start to leak out despite all his efforts. "Please just gimme a diaper, Steve, I promise I'll be good, please it hurts so bad, I can't hold it anymore!"
Steve sighs. "You know I hate to see you in pain, physical or emotional. But this is how things have to be. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. But you need to try."
Bucky gasps and whines as his bladder decides it's had enough and begins to forcefully empty itself into his pants. Wet heat quickly spreads across the front of his jeans, then to his ass and backs of his thighs, and trickling onto the floor loudly. All that can be heard is the hissing sound of piss rapidly leaving him, the patter of it hitting his denim jeans, the trickling to the floor, and his sobs of fear and frustration.
Steve stands awkwardly in front of Bucky, not sure if he should watch or look away. He's probably gonna have to try to diffuse a meltdown in a minute, so he can't just leave the room. But he knows if it was him he wouldn't want an audience.
He settles for staring at the wall above Bucky, and just waiting it out. He can hear Bucky's breathing picking up but he's still going, so it's probably best to wait, at least that's what he'd want if it was him.
Bucky's having a full blown panic attack by the time he's done. Steve kneels down to pull him into a hug, ignoring the huge pool of urine, and once again guides him through taking some deep breaths.
"GET OFF ME!" Bucky yells once he can breathe again, shoving Steve away.
"Okay. I won't touch you. Do you want to try to clean yourself up then?" Steve says.
That causes Bucky to immediately start sobbing again.
"No, Steve! Please don't make me! I can't!" He cries, pulling Steve back to him.
"Come with me to the bathroom then, I'll help you." Steve says, rubbing Bucky's back.
He takes Bucky to the bathroom where he gets him undressed and washes him in the shower.
"Please, Steve I don't wanna go through that again!" Bucky says when Steve brings in underwear with his clothes.
"I'm sorry, Buck. It's gonna be alright." Steve says. He gets Bucky dressed again.
Despite refusing anything to drink for the rest of the evening, Bucky has to go again by the time he's ready for bed.
"I wanna sleep by myself!" Bucky huffs when Steve leads him to his bedroom.
"Okay, you can just use the spare bedroom." Steve says, trying not to sound hurt.
Bucky can't sleep from the anxiety, so he ends up laying awake and in pain until his bladder finally gives out and then cries himself to sleep in his soaked sheets.
☆
"Oh, Bucky." Steve sighs. "Come on, get up. Did you sleep all night in your urine?"
"Well what else am I supposed to do?" Bucky says, getting out of bed.
Steve gets him cleaned in the shower and dressed again.
"Do you want to come run with me this morning?" Steve asks.
"No."
"Alright, well I'll be back soon. I'll try to make it quick, okay?" Steve says before leaving.
Bucky sits on the couch and waits. There's not much else to do but he can't leave the Tower, what if he has to go while in public? It would be a nightmare. His overtaxed bladder is sore and aching. He probably pissed while he was asleep like he usually does, and he hasn't drank anything since yesterday, but he still has to go again. This time it came on way stronger and more urgent, but he's not at risk of breaking the rules yet.
He sighs and lays down on the couch.
☆
"Bucky, come on." Steve says, gently shaking Bucky awake. "All over the couch? I wasn't gone that long."
"I didn't mean to fall asleep!" Bucky whines. "I don't have control when I'm sleeping."
"Okay, let's just go get cleaned up." Steve says.
Bucky gets up and follows Steve to the bathroom to get showered again and dressed.
In the kitchen afterwards, Steve hands Bucky a bottle of water.
"No!" Bucky says, backing away.
"I know you haven't been drinking anything, Buck. I'm not letting you get dehydrated."
"Please Steve, I don't want to! I don't want to have to go anymore!"
"Bucky." Steve says firmly, holding out the water bottle. "You need to drink this now."
Bucky shakily reaches for the bottle, feeling like crying. He uncaps it and quickly drinks it all just to get it over with.
"Thank you. I know it's hard, Buck. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to help." Steve says.
He holds Bucky while he cries.
2 hours later Bucky is already desperate, struggling not to break the rules.
"Please, Steve!" He begs, even though he knows Steve doesn't care.
"Bucky no. I know it's difficult right now but soon enough you'll thank me. I'm just trying to help you."
"But you're not helping me!" Bucky says. "I'm just uncomfortable and in pain all the time and you don't even care! Why did you even bother bringing me here?" He's had it, he's stressed and scared and anxious and in pain and he can't take it anymore. "It's your fault! You let me fall from the train!"
"Bucky-" Steve starts, but Bucky cuts him off.
"No! You let me fall, and you didn't even bother trying to look for me! I spent 70 years in hell because of you, and now you "rescue" me just to boss me around like they did! At least they took care of me!"
"Stop it. Just stop, Buck. You don't know what you're talking about." Steve snaps. "They didn't take care of you, they tortured you! They broke you down and took everything from you, including your dignity and your independence! I'm not bossing you around, I'm trying to help you heal from what they did to you!"
"How can I heal when I'm fucking miserable!" Bucky yells. "You should have just left me! I would've been happier alone than here with you! I fucking hate you!"
"Yeah, I'm sure you'd be fucking ecstatic starving to death and festering in your own filth because you can't even take care of yourself! Unlike HYDRA I'm not gonna hold you prisoner. If you really hate it here that much because I don't feel like coddling you and tending to your every whim like you're some helpless little baby, you know where the door is!"
Bucky's bladder suddenly reminds him that it's still full with a hard cramp before proceeding to empty itself despite Bucky trying to hold it. Bucky whines as his pants grow soaked once again. His piss burns coming out, that must be his punishment. HYDRA must somehow know he's breaking the rules and they did something to make it hurt. He doesn't know how but that must be it.
Bucky drops to his knees while still wetting, covering his face with his hands as he begins sobbing loudly.
"Bucky." Steve says, and Bucky suddenly finds himself being hugged. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean anything I said! We were both angry, and we both said things we didn't mean."
"I'm sorry too, I don't hate you!" Bucky cries hugging Steve back.
"I know you don't. It's alright." Steve says, kissing Bucky's head.
"I don't want to break the rules anymore!" Bucky says. "They're punishing me, I wanna be good!"
"Nobody's punishing you, Buck. Nobody ever will again." Says Steve. "I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I wish I could take all the pain away. But it will get better. I promise. Let's get you cleaned up."
Steve fills the bathtub this time, and uses lavender bubble bath, and undresses both of them. He gets in with Bucky and holds him, washing him gently and speaking softly to help calm him down.