Chapter 2
"Buck."
Bucky slowly wakes up to Steve rubbing his back.
"Hmm?" He asks sleepily.
"It's about dinner time, Buck." Steve says.
"Okay." Bucky says, rolling over. "Change me, please?"
"I think you should try to do it yourself." Steve says.
"No! No, Steve, I can't! I can't, I can't, its not allowed!" Bucky panics, scrambling off the bed.
"Bucky, Bucky! It's okay! Just try, thats all I'm asking. Just try and I'll help you if you can't." Steve says.
"No, I can't!" Bucky replies, near tears.
"Just try, Buck. Please?"
Bucky shakily reaches for the fly of his pants, but he can't bring himself to actually touch it.
"Steve I can't do it! I'll be in so much trouble Steve I can't!" Bucky bursts into tears.
"Okay Bucky. It's okay. I'll do it. But I want you to know you won't be in trouble. Those rules don't apply here, just remember that. You have to keep trying, but I'll help you. I just want you to try."
Bucky tries to calm down as Steve changes him. "I can't break the rules, Steve. I know I don't have to follow them anymore. But I still get so scared."
"I know, Buck. It's gonna be hard, and it might take a long time. But I want you to learn to not be scared, and to be independent again. You can't live your life relying on others to dress and bathe and feed you." Steve says.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"It's alright. It's not your fault. You just need to try and overcome." Steve says.
Steve makes chicken noodles soup for dinner to try to encourage Bucky to feed himself.
"Please, I can't!" Bucky says.
"You can, Buck. I know it's hard but you have to try." Steve says, setting a full bowl and a spoon down in front of Bucky.
"Please, Steve. You have to feed me, I'm not allowed!" Bucky begs.
"Just try. I'm here and nothing bad will happen. All you have to do is pick up the spoon and put it in your mouth." Steve encourages.
"No!" Bucky says.
"Yes." Steve says, stepping behind Bucky. "You won't be in trouble. No one is here to punish you. It's just you and me. It's gonna be alright." Says Steve, picking up the spoon and putting it in Bucky's hand. He holds Bucky's arm and slowly guides it to bring the spoon to his mouth.
Tears run down Bucky's face as the spoon comes closer, and he's trying to breathe but it's getting harder and harder to get air into his lungs. He's shaking so much all the soup falls off the spoon.
"NO!" Bucky yells, shoving his chair back from the table, and at the same time unintentionally shoving Steve to the ground behind him.
"NO! NO! NO!" Bucky picks up the bowl and throws it, it shatters and soup splashes everywhere as it hits the wall.
He picks up the chair to throw next but before he can it's being pulled from his hands and there are arms wrapping around him in a firm hug.
"Bucky! Please calm down, I didn't mean to push you so hard, I'm sorry." Steve says, holding Bucky and trying to calm him down. "It's okay, I'm here. Nobody will hurt you here."
Bucky gasps for air trying to calm down but it's so hard to breathe.
"Deep breaths, Buck. Come on, deep breaths, like me. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Good, Buck. Keep going. Deep breaths."
Bucky tries to focus on his breathing, and get oxygen into his lungs again as Steve holds him and rubs his back. Soon he's back in control and no longer hyperventilating, just sobbing into Steve's shoulder.
"I can't do it, Steve! I can't and I'll never be able to!"
"You will. It'll take some time but you will. I'll be here to help you through it." Steve says. "Now come on, there's more soup on the stove. Everything will be okay."
Steve gets another bowl of soup, and this time sits down with Bucky and spoon feeds him.
Bucky is still sniffling but feeling better. He realizes he must have pissed himself at some point during his meltdown, but he can wait till after eating to ask for a change.
"Remember when you used to help me with deep breathing like that? When I had asthma?" Steve asks.
Bucky tries to remember, he thinks he does but it's fuzzy and vague.
"You always took care of me. Even when I was a stubborn asshole and tried to refuse." Steve says with a sad smile. "Now I guess it's my turn to do the caring."
"Were we together?" Bucky asks suddenly.
Steve pauses, clearing his throat. "Yeah, we were. A long time ago."
"Are we still together?" Bucky asks.
"I don't know. Do you want to be?" Steve replies.
Bucky pauses this time. "Do you still love me?" He asks.
"Of course." Steve says. "I never stopped."
Neither of them say anything else, and the rest of the meal goes by quietly.
"Please change me?" Bucky asks as Steve finishes up washing the dishes.
"Come on, then." Steve says.
They go to the bedroom where Steve changes Bucky.
"Can we go to bed?" Bucky asks.
"You're tired already?" Steve says, glancing at the clock. "Well I guess it is kinda late. Yeah, why not."
So they lay together and cuddle again and sleep.
☆
Bucky wakes up when he feels the bed shift and the loss of warmth.
"Stevie!" He whines sleepily. "Where'r you going?"
"Just for my morning run." Steve says. "I didn't mean to wake you up. You can go back to sleep."
But Bucky's already waking up. "Can I come?" He asks.
"Yeah, if you want." Says Steve.
"Will you change me first?" Bucky asks.
"Of course. Come here." Says Steve grabbing a diaper and wipes. He changes Bucky and helps him find some jogging shorts and a t shirt to wear, and a pair of sneakers.
"I usually just have a smoothie before my run and breakfast after." Steve says when they're in the kitchen.
"Okay." Says Bucky.
Steve loads the blender with milk, yogurt, bananas, and strawberries. He blends the smoothie and pours it in 2 glasses. They drink them, and Steve grabs some water bottles and they leave.
They make their way to Central Park, where they run some laps around the park. They run for a few hours, and by the time they're done, Bucky has already drank a lot of water to stay hydrated and wet three times.
"Will you change me?" He asks Steve.
"I didn't bring any diapers, Buck. Sorry, you'll have to wait until we get home." Steve says.
They walk back to the tower, and into the elevator to Steve's floor. Bucky follows Steve into the bathroom.
Steve gets Bucky undressed and takes off wet diaper, throwing it away before turning on the shower.
"You can shower first." Steve says. "I'll help you. Or if you want I can join you again."
"But I need another diaper." Bucky says. He needs to go, he was waiting to get home so Steve could change him and he could use a fresh diaper and not be so uncomfortable in the too-wet one.
"I'll get you one after." Steve says. "We both need a shower, we're all sweaty from running."
"But can't I have a diaper first? I need to go!" Bucky says.
"What? You need to go?" Steve asks.
"Yes!" Says Bucky, holding himself and squirming a little for emphasis.
"Bucky! You told me you were incontinent!" Steve says.
"No I didn't! You just assumed." Bucky defends.
"But you've been having me change your diapers for you! I thought you couldn't help it!" Steve scolds. "Why do you need diapers if you know when you need to go? And apparently you're perfectly capable of holding it. You don't need diapers!"
"I do need them!" Bucky says. "I'm not allowed to use the toilet! I'm only allowed to go in diapers!"
"Bucky, I understand it's hard to get over HYDRA, you went through a lot and it's gonna take a lot of time and hard work to heal from that. But I have to draw the line somewhere. I'm not diapering and changing you just because you're afraid to go to the bathroom. I already said I wanted to help you learn to overcome these fears, and this will be a good place to start. Everything else we can work on together, but this, I'm putting my foot down."
"But Steve!" Bucky whines.
"Bucky I'm sorry. This isn't something I can enable. You're an adult, you're not incontinent, and you need to use the bathroom. Maybe once you overcome this, it will be easier to try everything else."
Bucky pouts silently while Steve washes him in the shower. He knows Steve is right, but that doesn't make it any less terrifying.
He cries and begs while Steve dresses him, and puts him in regular underwear instead of a diaper. But Steve won't budge on this.
Steve sends Bucky out to wait in the living room while he takes his own shower. Bucky flops down on the couch and tries to do the deep breaths that helped earlier. This isn't going to be easy and he knows it. He's so fucking scared.
He still needs to pee from before, why did he drink so much water during the run? But now he can't go because he doesn't have diapers, and he's not allowed to use the toilet, and no matter how much he tries to remember he's not with HYDRA, it's still too scary. He'll just have to hold it.