Against The Rules

 "Steve?"

 "Yeah! It's me. I'm here. It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

 "Steve!" Bucky exclaims, running to him and squeezing him tight.

 "Steve I'm sorry! I never wanted to hurt you! They made me do it, I didn't wanna do it, I didn't know, I'm sorry!" Bucky sobs into Steve's chest.

 "I know, Buck, I know. It's not your fault. I've got you now. It's gonna be okay." Steve says.

 Right now things don't look like they'll be okay. The helicarrier they're trapped on is falling apart, it's going to crash and things won't be okay.

 Steve must apparently be able to read his mind because he says, "We have to jump in the water."

 "No, no, no I don't want to Steve I don't want to-"

 "I know. But it's our only option. I've got you, it'll be okay." Steve says reassuringly. 

 They make their way to the edge, and Bucky looks down and immediately feels sick. All he can think about is falling from the train.

 "I'll protect you, Bucky. It's gonna be alright, I promise." Steve says. He holds Bucky close and pushes them both over the edge, falling and falling into the river below. 

 They hit the water curled around each other, both holding on tight, before they're able to swim to the surface and then to the shore.

 Bucky curls up in a ball on the sand, shivering. He's so cold. It feels like cryo, or like the snow after the fall and before they found him.

 "I don't like it either." Steve says, pulling Bucky up into a hug. "Are you thinking of the train?"

 Bucky nods.

 "It made me think of the plane." Steve says. "I don't reckon you'd know about that. But the water, it was so cold. And I was drowning." Steve trails off. "I didn't enjoy jumping either. But we're safe now."

 "Where will we go?" Bucky asks. "They'll be looking for me. Pierce won't let me go so easy."

 "Pierce is dead." Steve says firmly. "You're not going back. No one's coming for you. And if they are, well, they're not gonna get you. Not on my watch."

 "Where will we go?" Bucky asks again.

 "Well," Steve starts. "Uh, well we can't go to my apartment. Not after the whole thing with Fury and the bugs. We can probably go to the Avengers Tower. I know I have a floor there. I just wasn't using it. But Tony's been trying to get me to move in for a while. It looks like I finally have to."

 "You're going to the Avengers Tower?" Bucky asks.

 "We're going to the Avengers Tower." Steve answers. "I'm not leaving you out on your own. Of course not."

 "I'm wet, Steve." Bucky says. 

 Steve gives Bucky a puzzled look. "Yeah, me too. We did just jump into a river. We should probably go."

 Bucky shifts uncomfortably before getting up as Steve does.

 "Will you change me?" Bucky asks as they walk. 

 "We can both change when we get to the tower." Steve says. "My clothes are wet too, Buck."

 Bucky doesn't like that answer. Yes, his clothes are wet, but his diaper is absolutely soaked with river water, and whatever pee was already in it before they had to jump. It's uncomfortably soggy and bloated, chafing his thighs as he walks, and who knows how long they'll be walking for. 

 "Will you change me now?" Bucky asks again after a few minutes. "Please?" 

 "I don't have clothes for you, Buck. I wish I did. You'll have to wait till we get there, I told you that."

 "Have I been bad, Steve?" Bucky asks anxiously. Sometimes neglect was a punishment when the agents had decided he'd been bad.

 "Of course not, Bucky! It's not your fault." Steve pauses in walking to hug Bucky reassuringly. 

 It's then that a black corvette stingray drives up. The passenger side window comes down.

 "You two dinosaurs need a ride?" Natasha says.

 "Thanks, Nat." Steve says, getting in the car.

 Bucky just stands by the door, not getting in.

 "Oh, uh," Steve says, after realizing the problem. The car only has 2 seats. "Here, sit on my lap, Buck. We'll be at the tower soon and then we can get cleaned up and changed."

 Bucky reluctantly sits. Steve pulls the seat belt over them as Natasha stares at him, assessing. She doesn't say anything, just averts her gaze to the road and drives.

 Bucky fidgets uncomfortably a bit in Steve's lap. The diaper is really bugging him, chafing and giving him a rash and sitting heavy and saggy between his thighs. He needs to pee, he doesn't really want to because he knows the diaper is full of water and won't contain it at all, but technically going anyway isn't against the rules since he's still wearing it.

 The rules are that he has to wear the diapers, and he has to use the diapers. No using the bathroom, no asking to use the bathroom. He's only allowed to use the diapers. It was just a matter of convenience. HYDRA didn't want him taking bathroom breaks during training or getting distracted by his needs during a mission, so diapers were just the obvious solution. In the beginning he'd ask for permission to use the bathroom instead, and was beaten each time. Sometimes the agents would take him to the bathroom but not let him go, and instead shove his head in the toilet and hold him under the water until he passed out, or strap him to it and shock him with their stun batons, or make him lean over it while they whipped him, for example. He'd learned not to ask, and also to avoid toilets at all costs, associating them with pain and punishment. 

 He decides it's probably not breaking the rules if the diaper leaks since at least it's still on him, and he didn't ask or attempt to use the bathroom. So he spreads his legs a bit and releases his bladder. Just as he expected, it doesn't have the capacity for any more liquid, so the padding is briefly warmed before he can feel it running straight out of the leg holes, warming his already wet pants where they cling to his skin.

 Steve shifts under him and awkwardly clears his throat. Bucky wonders anxiously if he noticed. He assumes he also felt the warmth spread on his legs. He wonders if Steve will punish him, before remembering no, this is Steve, Steve isn't Hydra, Steve is his best friend, more than a friend at one time, he wouldn't punish him. Besides, he didn't really actually break the rules, right?

 The drive is quiet, with no one talking. It isn't until they get to the tower's parking garage that Steve breaks the silence. 

 "Thanks, Nat. Wasn't really looking forward to walking all the way here soaked." Steve says.

 "You know I'm here for you, Steve." Natasha says. 

 The elevator ride to Steve's floor is quiet too. Bucky glances subtly at Steve. Steve is just standing and looking at the wall. Bucky wonders if he's angry, if he'll be in trouble. But he didn't break the rules.

 "Do you want to shower first?" Steve asks when they get to his floor.

 Bucky nods. Steve leads him to the bathroom, and grabs him some clothes from his own room.

 "Will you help me?" Bucky asks.

 "Help you with what?" 

 "Everything."

 "What do you mean?" Steve asks, confused. 

 "I'm not allowed to undress, shower, change or dress myself." Bucky says. "The handlers do that."

 "Bucky, you're not with HYDRA now. You're here with me. You can do whatever you want." Steve encourages. 

 "But I can't!" Bucky says, feeling panic. "I'm not allowed, I can't! Please help me, Steve you have to, I'm not allowed!" 

 Steve looks at Bucky for a minute, as if studying him. "Okay." He says finally. "I'll help you, Buck. But you'll have to learn to do it yourself. You're free now, you don't have to follow those rules anymore."

 Steve takes Bucky into the bathroom and starts undressing him. He unties his boots and has him step out of them, then unbuckles the straps on his gear and jacket, taking them off too, before he gets to his pants. He unbuckles Bucky's belt, unbuttons and unzips the pants before he pulls them down, and pauses. 

 "Oh." Steve says, staring at Bucky's obviously very soaked diaper. "I, uh, I didn't- I wasn't gonna say anything, but I felt you pee on me in the car. But I didn't know you were, uh,-" Steve stumbles over his words feeling awkward and embarrassed. "It's okay. It's fine. Nothing wrong with that." He says at last. "You just stay right here, okay? I'll be right back."

 Steve walks out, leaving Bucky standing there with his pants around his ankles. He comes back a few minutes later carrying a plastic package of diapers. 

 "I grabbed these from the medical floor." He says, setting them on the counter. "It's alright, Buck. I'm not judging you. Incontinence probably is normal after everything." 

 Bucky doesn't say anything as Steve removes the diaper and has him step out of his pants, but he's confused. Steve thinks he's incontinent? He's not incontinent. He's just following the rules. He's not allowed to use toilets.

 "Is it okay if I shower with you?" Steve asks.

 Bucky nods, so Steve gets himself undressed too, before turning on the water and making sure it's a nice temperature. He steps in so Bucky does too.

 "Were you allowed to wash yourself?" Steve asks.

 Bucky shakes his head vigorously. "No! I'm not allowed! You have to do it, Steve, I can't!"

 "Okay, okay. Calm down. It's fine." Steve says.

 He washes himself and Bucky.

 Once they're both clean he turns off the water and dries them both off with fresh towels. He gets Bucky diapered and dressed, not bothering to ask if he can do it himself, before he gets dressed.

 "Let's go have something to eat. I'm starved." Steve says when they're both dressed. 

 They go to the kitchen where Steve thinks. "Anything you want to eat?" He asks. "Were you "allowed" to feed yourself?"

 "Only if it's something I eat with my hands." Bucky says. "Spoon or fork means you have to do it!"

 Steve makes sandwiches. 

 They both eat silently. Bucky keeps catching Steve staring at him, and he feels awkward, like he's done something wrong. He knows it's not normal as a grown man to need someone else to clean, feed, dress and bathe you, but he can't do it himself, he just can't! It's against the rules! And logically he knows Steve isn't HYDRA, and he doesn't have to follow those rules anymore. But he had to for so long, and was punished so much, just the thought of breaking those rules now makes his heart race and makes him tremble with panic and anxiety. It's too scary. It's too soon. But Steve loves him, he'll understand. 

 "Can I take a nap, sir? I mean Steve! Can I take a nap, Steve? I'm tired." Bucky asks when he's finished his food.

 "Of course. I'm pretty beat too. Mind if I join you?" Steve says.

 "That's fine." Bucky answers.

 So they both go to Steve's room and lay down.

 Bucky feels anxious to cuddle with Steve, but Steve doesn't shove him away disgusted, so it must be okay. They hold each other close and both fall asleep.