Chapter 19
Yelena doesn’t remember going to bed. She doesn’t remember waking up or leaving or wandering.
She doesn’t know where she is or how she got there. She’s curled up in a ball under a large tree, scrapes on her hands and dirt on her knees. Did she leave her vest behind or take it off and forget it somewhere? She’s in her pajamas, the Avengers set that Natasha bought for her. Hell, she’s not even wearing shoes.
Does Natasha know she’s missing? Is she searching for her? Did Yelena hurt her? Who did Yelena hurt?
It’s night and the stars are out, dancing in the sky as Yelena tries to remember how she got there and if she can get back.
There’s a blank spot in her memory and Yelena can’t seem to recall it no matter how hard she tries. She doesn’t know how long she sits under the tree for but there is eventually a rustling sound that comes closer and Yelena realizes it as beads clacking and metal scraping.
Finally, someone breaks through Yelena’s field of view. “You shouldn’t be here.”
It’s Okoye, the leader of the Dora Milaje and one of the guards that stood post protecting the princess as Yelena confessed earlier. The woman marches straight toward her, her spear gripped tightly in her hand, and Yelena tenses up.
“I don’t remember how I got here,” Yelena blurts out, hoping that she wasn’t someplace forbidden and that she hadn’t done something horrible. She’s ready to bolt if the spear even tips toward her and the woman must see it too because she slows down her strides.
“It is quite a walk to reach this tree,” Okoye informs her, approaching her at a much more sedated pace. “This is the tree of our God Bast. She protects and guides those in need.” Okoye finally stops in front of Yelena. “It is said that many wandering spirits find themselves knelt before the tree after asking for salvation.”
Yelena pulls her knees to her chest and looks down at the dirt. “I didn’t ask for salvation.” She murmurs.
Okoye gracefully sinks to her knees next to Yelena, kneeling in the dirt as the beads on her uniform click together and she sets her spear down although is careful to not let it go. “Do you seek salvation?”
Yelena slowly shakes her head. “I seek… penance? I want to wipe out the red in my ledger. I want to do good. I want to stop hurting people.”
She doesn’t know why she’s telling Okoye this but the woman hasn’t stopped her or told her to shut up yet.
“Then perhaps a good place to start to seek penance is with yourself,” Okoye said, her head tilted up to stare at the stars. “How do you expect to help others if you cannot help yourself first.”
Yelena taps her fingers against her pajama bottom, also glancing up at the stars as she tries to look at what has caught Okoye’s attention. “What if…” She hesitates but the woman merely waits for her patiently. “What if I deserve to hurt? What if I don’t deserve help?”
Yelena’s genuine fear. What if she doesn’t deserve this? What if she is destined to hurt?
“Then why are you here?” Okoye asked, and although her tone wasn’t accusing, Yelena still curls in on herself. “Some part of you seeks help. Wants it.”
“Wanting is different than deserving. I can want all I want but I don’t deserve it,” Yelena rests her chin on her knees.
“Who says that you are undeserving?” Okoye questions but interrupts before Yelena can explain. “You? Who put you in charge of making that decision? Why do you get to decide who is deserving of help?”
Yelena looks down at her hands and curls her fingers into fists, feeling her nails dig into the soft skin on her palms. “I am a monster.”
“Ah, but what does it mean to be a monster?” Okoye counters. Yelena is quiet so Okoye replies for her. “A monster has no feelings. They care not for who they hurt or the destruction they leave behind. They take and take and leave nothing but pain and suffering in their wake.”
Yelena’s breath hitched as she finally closed her eyes. “I feel like a burden to my sister.” She finally confessed with a breath of air. “I’m so dependent on her. I can’t even go without her for a few hours or I have a tantrum like a fucking baby!”
Okoye doesn’t chide her on her language or outburst. She calmly draws in a deep breath and Yelena finds herself doing it as well. “Has she told you this? Did she say ‘you are a burden’ or ‘you are too dependent on me’?” Okoye inquired and when Yelena shakes her head, she continues. “Your sister cares for you deeply, that I know. She would do anything to make you happy.”
“That’s the problem. I just take so much,” Yelena argues quietly. “She doesn’t need to do all of these things for me. I feel like a leech.”
Okoye lets out a hum of acknowledgment. “Would you not do the same for her? Do you not wish to give her everything she wants and to see her happy?” Okoye questioned and when Yelena hesitantly nods, she asked. “Do you think her a burden?”
“Of course not!” Yelena snaps, her tone offended.
“Then why are you a burden to her and she not a burden to you,” Okoye’s tone softens. “She loves you, child. She will give the world to see you happy, that I can tell.”
“But I’m so needy…” Yelena whispers, reaching up to tug on her hair. “She got into a big fight with her best friend all because I’m too stupid to pick up on things that are obvious to everybody else.”
“What if the situation was reversed and it was your sister and your best friends?” Okoye inquired. “Would you fight for her too?”
Yelena thinks of MJ and what she would do if her best friend attempted the same thing. Although it pains her to admit it, she would leave MJ behind for her sister. Her sister came first.
“I want to be a good person but I don’t know how,” Yelena finally said, her confession lingering in the cool night air. She flinches when a gentle hand is set onto her shoulder.
“You deserve kindness and good things, but most of all, you deserve to be happy,” Okoye said, her tone firm, and Yelena’s eyes water with the sudden flood of emotion.
“I want to be a good person,” Yelena repeats, her voice cracking as her breathing hitched. “I want to be a good sister. I just-- I just want to be good.”
“I believe you can be good. You have a good heart, child,” Okoye moves her hand from Yelena’s shoulder to press it against her cheek and tilts Yelena’s head up to look at the winding branches above. “You are under this tree tonight because Bast believes that you are destined for more. In order to be good then you must be able to allow yourself to heal. Not just your mind but your heart. You need to be able to forgive yourself.”
Tears spill down her cheeks as Yelena looks up at the older woman. “I don’t know how to do that.” She whispers.
“Do you know what that means?” Okoye asked her and Yelena shakes her head. “Not knowing how to forgive yourself means that you do not make excuses for the things you have done. It is easy for those to hurt others and forgive themselves because it was a mistake or an accident. But if you struggle then it means you care. You care about your actions and what you have done and how it impacted people. You feel guilty for things out of your control and you want forgiveness. You cannot seek out forgiveness from others until you are able to forgive yourself and find peace.”
Okoye’s hand leaves Yelena’s face and Yelena inspects the tree for a few more moments as she works on regaining control of her breathing. The duo sits in silence as Yelena stews on the advice that Okoye had forgiven her until Okoye shifts.
“We need to return. Your sister awaits your return,” Okoye climbed to her feet gracefully, clutching the spear in one hand as the other is held out to Yelena. “Come, child. It is time to return to the one who loves you most.”
Yelena wipes her face on her pajama sleeve before she reaches up and accepts the hand that Okoye extended. She’s pulled to her feet and reminded that she’s not wearing shoes. She glances up at the tree, wondering if Bast truly brought her here tonight just so she could speak with Okoye, before she turns back toward the guard and allows herself to be led back toward her room.
It was quite the trek and Yelena is suddenly worried about how much time she had lost. Five hours? Six? How long had she been missing? How long did she sit at the base of the tree?
As the palace appears in sight they come across another guard that perks up when she sees them.
“You have found her,” They breathe out in relief and turns toward Yelena. “I am glad to see you unharmed.” Before turning back toward Okoye. “Her sister is going mad with worry. She’s in the halls by the throne room.”
The guard falls into step with them and Yelena feels embarrassed to have caused such a reaction.
Her first night here and the guard was already out with a search party.
“Yelena, oh thank fuck--” Natasha’s torso slams into Yelena as she wraps her up in her hold. Natasha then pulls back briefly and her hands are frisking Yelena for any injuries before pulling Yelena back against her. “You frightened me.”
“I don’t remember anything after the garden,” Yelena whispers the confession into her sister’s shirt. “What happened?”
“You had a night terror about Dreykov. You woke up and didn’t recognize anything and bolted,” Natasha explains, her hand cupping Yelena’s head to her chest. “I’m so relieved that you’re safe.”
“How long was I gone?” Yelena grabs fistfuls of Natasha’s shirt to pull her closer.
“Nearly two hours now,” Natasha replies, pressing her lips to the top of Yelena’s head and taking a moment to just hold her. “Are you hurt?”
Yelena shakes her head. “No, I’m-- I’m okay.” Yelena pushes her face against Natasha’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not angry,” Natasha quickly shakes her head. “You know that I’m never angry or upset with you when these things happen.”
“I’ve never had a royal guard look for me without hurting me before,” Yelena comments and Natasha lets out a hum.
“They’re not mad,” Natasha tells her before asking. “Are you?” And Natasha is not asking her.
Yelena realizes with a jolt that the guard was still there and waiting to lead them back to their room.
“Not mad,” Okoye agrees with Natasha. “Relieved that you were found unharmed and safe.”
Yelena feels her face flush pink with embarrassment. “Okay.” She breathes out. “Can we go back to bed?”
Natasha nods her head and Yelena doesn’t care much about pride or ego at the moment because she’s tired. She asks Natasha to carry her.
Natasha doesn’t hesitate to scoop Yelena up or hold her close. Yelena shoves her face into the crook of Natasha’s neck so she doesn’t see the reaction coming from the guards. Natasha starts to walk back with the guard and Yelena holds her sister tightly, Okoye’s words ringing in her head.
“She loves you, child. She will give the world to see you happy, that I can tell.”