Chapter 13
“Pack your bags.”
Yelena gives a small jolt at Natasha’s sudden words. “What?”
“Pack your bags,” Natasha repeats, throwing her clothes into her duffel bag. “We’re leaving.”
“...now?” MJ questioned, sitting up from where she had been flopped against Yelena’s side.
“What happened?” Yelena climbs out of bed to grab Natasha’s wrist and stop her from violently stuffing her clothes into her bag.
“We’re leaving,” Natasha pushes Yelena’s hand away.
“What? Why?” Yelena tries to grab Natasha’s sleeve and stop her but Natasha is determinedly shoving clothes into her bag.
“It’s not safe for you here right now,” Natasha tells her.
“But-- but you wanted to come here. It was only a fight. I know that I was wrong. It’s okay--” Yelena tugs on Natasha’s sleeve and her sister finally turned to look at her.
Yelena shrinks at the anger on Natasha’s face that softened when she sees Yelena’s reaction. “I’m not upset with you, little one.”
“But I was bad,” Yelena tells her. “I did something bad.”
Natasha’s hands slide up to cup Yelena’s face and bring her face forward until she can press their foreheads together. “You made a mistake.” She corrects softly.
“I was stupid and I did something bad--” Yelena shakes her head but Natasha grips her cheeks and holds her head still.
Yelena feels MJ brush past them, barely pausing long enough to reach out and touch her shoulder and give it a squeeze before leaving.
“You made a mistake,” Natasha repeats, one hand sliding to cup the back of Yelena’s neck. “You should not have given Cooper a knife. You should have given the children any weapons.”
“I’m sorry,” Yelena whispers quietly, squeezing her eyes shut.
“I know you are,” Natasha gently rubs her nose against Yelena’s. “Focus on me, little one.”
Yelena does her best to focus on her older sister. “I didn’t mean to make anybody angry. I didn’t know.”
“I know,” Natasha lets Yelena move her head to her shoulder. Yelena presses her face into the crook of her sister’s neck, feeling Natasha’s fingers come up to stroke her hair. “How did the fight start?”
“That was my fault again,” Yelena curls her fingers into Natasha’s shirt. “Clint poked my chest and I threw him over my shoulder… I overreacted. I didn’t mean to.”
“What do you mean?” Natasha’s voice was soft as her fingers gently massage the back of Yelena’s head.
Yelena was quiet, trying to piece words together. “My handler used to do that.”
“Do what? Poke your chest?” Natasha questioned and Yelena nods into her neck.
“It was a power play thing. He could use a single finger to demean and humiliate me and I couldn’t do anything about it,” Yelena clenches her jaw and takes a moment to inhale her sisters scent. “Clint poked me and I just… lost it.”
Yelena forces herself to pull away to look at Natasha’s face.
“Clint should know better than to jab at you like that,” Natasha said.
“It’s my fault. I did something wrong. I was bad. He was just-- just--” Yelena searches for the right word. “Getting back at me?”
Natasha’s face darkens at that and Yelena sighs.
“I didn’t mean to upset him. I was bad and I had to pay for it,” Yelena shrugs.
“I told you that physical punishment was unacceptable. That is not how things work. I told you that after your spar session with Bucky,” Natasha reminds her.
“It was my fault. I should have known better,” Yelena huffs, staring down at her feet.
“You should have. But you didn’t because nobody ever taught you,” Natasha said. “You knew how to throw knives at Cooper’s age. You’ve probably taught other little girls to throw knives too. It’s not unusual for you. You didn’t know you were doing something wrong.”
“But I should have!” Yelena finally raised her voice as she jerks her head up to stare at her. “I should have known. It should have been obvious! Don’t give children weapons.”
“You don’t have to know everything, Yelena. I’m here to help you,” Natasha tells her, taking a step toward Yelena.
“Maybe you shouldn’t be!” Yelena reaches up to tug on her hair as she backs away from Natasha. “Clint is your family. This is my fault. I’ll just go back home by myself and you can stay here!”
That’s not what she wants. She wants to reach forward and hug her sister and cling to her and never leave.
“Deep breaths, Yelena,” Natasha said when Yelena’s chest heaves for air.
“I know how to fucking breathe!” Yelena feels the bottle of emotions she had shoved away shatter. She had tried to put Natasha’s feelings over her own. She didn’t even want to go to the farm in the first place. Natasha needed her so Yelena shoved her feelings away.
Yelena curls her fingers into fists, digging her nails into the palm of her hand as the dam bursts and tears trickle down her cheeks.
“Yelena--” Natasha makes another move to step forward but Yelena presses herself against the wall.
“I’m such a fucking mess--” Yelena’s voice wavers. “I’m so needy and useless and just a big fucking burden!”
She slams her head back against the wall and Natasha jerks forward to pull Yelena into her arms.
“You’re not a burden,” Natasha tells her firmly, pinning Yelena against her when she squirms.
“Nothing I do is ever good enough!” Yelena weeps, wiggling in Natasha’s grip. “I don’t know how to be a person! I don’t know how to be what everybody wants me to be!”
She descends into sobs, all of the overwhelming emotions she didn’t even know the names of came spilling out. She sags into her sister’s hold when her body tires of fighting against her.
Natasha just pulls her closer, slowly lowering them both to the ground.
“You were gone!” Yelena whimpers against her. “They took you and I thought that you could have died and I don’t know what I would have done without you.” She digs her fingers into Natasha’s shirt to pull her closer. “I need you…”
“I’m right here. You have me,” Natasha whispers, pressing soft kisses on Yelena’s face and hair. “Let it all out, I’ve got you. I’ll hold you until you’re ready to face the world again.”
Yelena cries harder. She cries until she has no more tears to give. She cries until her voice is hoarse and all that leaves her mouth are hiccuping whimpers. She curls up into her sister until she feels empty.
What is she supposed to feel? She just had a mental breakdown at the Barton farm where the others probably heard her. All that’s left now is shame, guilt, and embarrassment pooling in her stomach.
Natasha’s hold doesn’t waver. She hums quietly, rocking Yelena gently like she’s not sixteen and far too old to be acting like this.
Yelena likes that about her sister. How her sister knows that Yelena needs certain things that she can’t ask for because she’s much too big to be acting like a child. Yelena likes it when Natasha carries her or lets her curl up on her lap or rocks her. It reminds her of when she was six, when everything was safe and she was happy and loved.
“You’ve been holding all that in for a while now,” Natasha states softly, stroking Yelena’s hair. “I’m sorry that I didn’t notice that you needed me.”
Yelena is quiet, content to just be tucked up against her sister and surrounded with the scent she associated with safety. “Not your job.” She whispers.
“I beg to differ,” Natasha kissed her forehead softly. “You’re my little sister. It’s my job to look out for you. I don’t care if you’re needy or clingy. You’re my sister. Mine. I would give you the world if I could.”
“I don’t want the world,” Yelena replies quietly. “I just want you.”
Natasha just holds her a little tighter.