A ‘Strange’ Visit
The sanctum is pretty much untouched compared to the rest of the street, so much so that Tony might think nothing had happened as the armour sets down outside the doors. The faceplate lifts, he waves to the people on the sidewalk, and indoors he goes.
Inside is just as grand as the outside, and Tony’s itch to touch everything goes haywire but it’s like a land of things that just scream ‘don’t touch’, so he tries his best not to and sticks his hand to his sides. He doesn’t want to end up 8ft tall or with a tail for the rest of his life, and that’s the type of shit Strange probably has in his collection. Plus, the man is touchy. Strange would find all that hilarious, and Tony’s not the type of man who’d let that happen.
“Tony, I was beginning to worry if you’d ever show up,” Strange says, sat in the corner like a freaky spider (ironic, isn’t it), staring Tony down like he knows what’s about to happen. It’s freaky… really freaky. “That spell you found… what did you think?”
“A way to take us back in time without that little stone you loved so much,” Tony announces, “I’d say I found it extremely interesting. Life-changing, maybe? Are you in agreement, Strange?”
“It’s not as easy as you think, Mr Stark,” Strange tells him. “Did you not read the whole thing?”
Tony shakes his head as if he thought it was obvious that he wouldn’t read on the second he saw the spell. Why would he do more than he had to? Come on, he might be the smartest person on the Earth but even he suffered from having to read too much.
“Of course,” Strange sighs, “no-one ever reads the fine print.”
“The fine print? It’s magic! Surely there should be no terms and conditions I have to bore myself with whilst I inevitably ignore them.”
“Magic is absolutely one of the most important parts of life where you’d read the ‘terms and conditions’. Things have consequences, Tony.”
Tony huffs, “Well… they should’ve made that more obvious.”
“I’m almost certain they have it right after-,” Strange tries to explain, but Tony’s stubborn and he would fight for months on end if the sorcerer didn’t stop whilst he was ahead. “Anyway… the spell. It could work, but- it demands a sacrifice. Much like the soul stone did when Thanos threw his own daughter over a cliff, this spell needs the energy from true love. So, for it to work, you have to be willing to give something up that you love dearly.”
“…And that’s why you waited until I met Peter.”
“Exactly,” Strange affirms, “…so, you admit that you love him?”
“I never said that.”
“Well, I never mentioned the boy’s name. Tony, fatherly love is nothing to be ashamed of… in fact, it’s quite admirable that you’ve taken the boy in. I can feel how much he adores you.”
“I can’t-… I can’t just ‘give him up’, Strange. There’s no way I’m doing that.”
“To be honest, Tony, I didn’t think you would,” Strange laughs, “so, where does that leave us?”
“…Is there any other way?”
“Not that I know of.”
“Then we find one,” Tony tells him. “I will never, ever, sacrifice him, Strange. The reason why I get up, why I’m even trying to do this at all… is Peter. Of course, I want to get everyone back… but if it wasn’t for that kid? I don’t think I would’ve woken up this morning, never mind fly all the way over here to have this conversation with you.”
Strange smiles softly, as if he can feel the blossom of love that Tony is projecting, and he looks at him with a fond, worried, grin as he sees the gears turning in the genius’ head. “I’m aware how much you care for him, Stark. I can feel it, and I can feel his love for you too. But and I’m telling you, I have searched millions of realities and I cannot find one where we win without this spell.”
“Isn’t there anyone you could sacrifice? Why does it have to be me to do this?”
“I’m afraid there was only one person I loved, Mr Stark, and she’s no longer here,” Strange explains. “And there’s nobody else left that has the power to defeat him. It has to be one of us, and I don’t have anyone to let go.”
Tony looks down to his feet, and he thinks of the kid that he left behind at the compound. The kid who will be here for the rest of eternity, if he had anything to say about it. He’s kind, more kind than anyone he knew before, and there’s no way he’s giving him over to the ‘other side’ before his actual time. His big, brown, eyes are full of innocence and drive, and he’s so much better than him. If either of them was to live, he’d beg for it to be Peter. And that’s when an idea pops into his mind.
“…What if I promise to be the one who goes when we fulfil our goal?”
Strange looks over, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. “You’d lay down your own life for Peter to live? For everyone to come back?”
“I’ve caused enough shit in this world, perhaps it’s time to pay my comeuppance.”
“I’m unaware of this ‘shit’ you’re speaking of Tony. As far as I’m aware, you’ve saved the world so many times. Perhaps more than anyone else I knew. There’s no comeuppance to pay.”
“That’s nice of you to say, Strange, but we both know it’s false.”
“…Stark?”
“…Just tell me if it would work. Please.”
“I believe it would. If the three of us did this spell, went back, and stopped the snap, we’d come back into a reality where that happened in the first place. But you wouldn’t be there, and the entire world would remember you as the saviour who stopped Thanos. I believe Peter would also lose all his memories of what happened after you met, in this case.”
“But he’d be alive? He’d be okay?”
“Yes.”
“Then there’s no question.”
“Well…” Strange smiles, “when should we start?”
“Let me have a few days with him first… please,” Tony tells him, “If I’m losing him forever then-,”
“I understand, Tony,” Strange stops him, “take all the time you need. Just give me a call whenever you feel like it’s time. But you should actually tell him about it this time, I think he’d like to know.”
“Will do,” Tony says. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you. I’m looking forward to seeing you again.”
Tony steps out of the sanctum, the news that he’s walking into his own death playing on his shoulders. To say he’s not scared would be a lie, but… he’s almost ready for it. He’s been tipping on the edge of dying all his life. Recreational drugs in college, blowing things up, and giving his address out to (who he thought were) terrorists. He’s never been safe, yet this time it feels different. He’s giving himself up so everyone else could live, but it’s not for everyone. He’s doing this to give the kid a chance in life. He’s going to be so good, and he won’t even remember the relationship they’ve built. It’s the best possible outcome, and Peter doesn’t need to know about the ‘death’ part until it happens. So, he’s happy. For now. And it’s time to come home to the kid and pretend like nothing has changed, like he only went out for a walk to make himself feel better.
Tony flies home, Friday taking him most of the way. He lands at the back of the compound, where he can look through the windows. He sees a faint glow of the fireplace, one that hasn’t been on in months as it reminded him too much of the team’s weekly ‘team-building’ nights to rebuild all the relationships torn about in the ‘civil war’ which only ended because of Tony’s alcoholism. However, knowing that it was probably the kid sat in front of it makes Tony forget about all the bad things as he steps inside and asks Friday to ‘clean up’ the armour he just stepped out of.
When he steps inside, Peter’s around the fireplace with a pair of old pyjamas on. He looks up when he hears Tony walk in, a fond smile spreading over his face immediately, replacing a stance where he looked worried, frightened, and alone.
“Mr Stark,” he smiles, pushing himself up from the floor. “I was worried- I didn’t know what happened, and I thought you might’ve-,”
“I’m okay,” Tony interrupts, “sorry, I should’ve said something, but you were out being- well-,” Tony stops and chuckles to himself, looking at this kid’s face. “Well, kid, you were being you. You went out there and helped people, having no obligation in doing so. It’s why I lov- it’s why I care about you so much. You’re good.”
Peter tilts his head to the side. It’s nice of Tony to say all of this, but why does he feel the need to? Usually, big proclamations of pride and love come just before something bad is about to happen. Nobody goes on about why they care so much if they don’t think that they’re in trouble, especially someone like Tony whose emotions are so suppressed that Peter guesses even he gets confused with what he’s feeling most of the time.
“Mr Stark? What’s going on?” Peter asks, more worried than he was when he came into an empty home. He’d rather Tony be missing for days than to experience this- whatever it was. Because he can’t lose him- he just can’t go through something like that again.
“Nothing, kid. It’s nothing.”
“Then where were you?”
“I just went for a walk.”
“A walk? Why?”
“What do you mean? I can go for a walk if I want to.”
Peter’s face scrunches up, showing frustration and perhaps some confusion with whatever Tony’s trying to say. And if he thought he could easily lie, he was wrong. Something has happened, and Peter’s going to find it out. He looks at Tony, knowing that with a look he could chip at the man’s defences.
Tony huffs, “Peter,” he says, looking down at the boy with a tired and soft smile, “I’m fine.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Tony sighs. Instead of fighting with this kid more than he needed to, he reaches forward and takes him into a hug instead. The kid is somehow more stubborn than he is (which is honestly impressive), yet he immediately relaxes as soon as he’s in the billionaire’s arms. His head rests against Tony’s chest like he was meant to be there, a perfect puzzle piece which the man has been searching for. Tony presses a soft kiss on the top of his head, looking down at this boy as if he’s the best treasure he’ll ever get, and smiles. He’ll tell him, maybe, because after all of this is done, he won’t even remember these little moments. He won’t remember the times they’ve spent in the lab, or when they got to know each other as Tony started to drink less and less… he won’t remember how much Tony loves him and how he’s done all of this for him.
Being selfless is incredibly exhausting, Tony thinks. As he recalls all the time that they spent together that’ll be forgotten… he begins to well up. So, for a minute or two, he holds the kid just a bit tighter because one day… once he’s gone… he’ll never be able to hold him again.
“Mr Stark?” Peter says, muffled within the fabric of Tony’s shirt. “Are you sure that you are okay?”
Tony’s fingers push Peter’s head up softly so that he can see his eyes, “Peter, I’m fine. I just- I think I’ve found a way for us to win.”
“No way!” Peter says, abandoning the hug to take a step back and look up excitedly. “You have? You really think we can do it?!”
Tony smiles, feeling happy as soon as the kid does. “Yeah, Pete. I really do. I went to talk to Dr Strange when you were out, and he’s told me there’s a spell we can use to go back in time without the use of the infinity stone.”
“…Woah!” Peter grins to himself, “so… not only do we get to save the world, but we also get to time travel?”
Chuckling to himself, Tony nods. “Yep, exactly. We’re going to do it, buddy.”
The kid’s eyes sparkle, either from tears or excitement. He looks at Tony like he’s a hero, and all Tony wants to say is that he’s the real saviour between the two of them. The entire world will be fixed because of Peter’s determination, because he refused to give up on the man even after he ingested so much alcohol that he shouldn’t have been able to stand upright. He saved Tony’s life, and now Tony’s going to repay the favour and get the kid’s family back for him, because that’s all he ever wanted.
“You’re serious?” Peter says, and he sounds like he’s moments away from crying. He’s moments away from breaking down, his face struck with relief like everything he’s been waiting for has come down to this. “Mr Stark, really?”
“Of course,” Tony tells him, “have I let you down yet?” Before Peter answers, Tony chuckles and looks at him with a shake of a head. “Don’t answer that.”
“I was going to say no.”
“Yeah, I know,” Tony tells him, putting his arm around the kid as he bathes in the last few moments like this that they’ll ever share. “You’re just like that.”
It’s days later when Tony knows that it must be time to let go. He walks down to the street with the kid, greeting those people they met before and watches as he talks excitedly with them and helps them put up Christmas trees. Tony gives him a boost as he keeps his powers back, knowing not to show off too much. He could swing between these houses and do all of this by himself if he really wanted to, but he doesn’t because he shouldn’t be different. But Tony wants to look at him and say he’s stupid, he’s already different as nobody is as resilient as him, or as loving. But maybe the kid will never see him the way he does, and that’s okay.
Tony takes a seat with the other adults, after dropping off more boxes filled with presents and food as the big day is tomorrow. He hopes that they can have the best Christmas possible, and then Tony might have the nerve to show up at the sanctum once more. One more memory for them to make, and even though Peter will forget it all… Tony hopes that maybe they’ll be one feeling he can hang onto from the time they’ve spent together. He might not see where it has come from, or why, but he’ll know how loved he is whenever he looks at a Christmas tree, or even a photo of Tony once he’s long gone.
“You look sad,” Betty, the older lady from the other day, says, coming down and sitting beside him on the pavement.
“I’m not sad, just-“
“My dear, I’ve lived a long life and I know when somebody is lying to me. You don’t need to tell me why, but there’s no need to lie. Is there?”
“It’s not exactly ‘sad’,” Tony tells her, looking over and smiling gently. “I’m just reminiscing over memories, over lost people and people I might lose soon.”
Betty glances towards Peter, who’s holding one of the kid’s up to the top of the tree so they can play an old star on the top. “You think you’re about to lose the boy?”
“Maybe.”
“Hm… I don’t think you’ll lose him,” Betty says, “unless you’re aware of something else I am not.”
“I think I might be.”
“You should fight for him,” she says, “he loves you dearly, as you do him. He’s smiling a lot more recently, and I think that must be because of you. Am I right or wrong?”
“It’s complicated.”
“It always is.”
“Ain’t that the truth?” Tony chuckles. “All that matters is the kid’s going to be okay.”
“And you’re not?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“I think it does,” Betty says, her voice getting louder as she almost tries to convince Tony to re-think his plan. But what she doesn’t know is that nothing will, and Tony’s looking forward to saving both the world and his kid… he doesn’t matter in this equation, and nothing will ever convince him otherwise. “You matter, son. I want you to believe that.”
Before Tony can fight, before he can tell this older lady that he’s done so much rubbish in this world and it’s time he sets it right, Peter comes over and grabs his hand. Pulled to the other side of the street, through the snow that’s getting stronger and building up until it has reached their ankles, Peter points up the top of a roof where the kids can’t reach.
So, Tony dons the armour and flies to the top. He laughs as the kid’s throw up some decorations. Or, well, they attempt to. Everything goes all over the place, and Tony must tell them to stop otherwise they’d lose it all. He flies down, and back up, until everything is where it should be.
When he’s done, it looks gorgeous. Lights everywhere. A sleigh up on one of the roofs, a fake Santa sitting just by the reigns. Tony flies Peter up with him, sitting him next to it and just smiling down at the kid as his laughter flies in the wind. Give him time to be happy, Tony thinks, before it all turns to shit.
The next day
Christmas comes by quickly. Every other Christmas that Tony’s had… it’s been lonely. Even growing up, his father didn’t care. Nor did his mother. Social gatherings and impressing other socialites were more important than their son, obviously, so even with all the money in the world, Tony was never loved. Jarvis did what he could, trying his hardest to make the young boy’s day good. But when he died, there was nothing more to hold onto. That was the first day Tony drank, on the first Christmas he was completely and truly alone. In a dark bedroom filled with things he brought to try and make himself happy, he emptied two vodka bottles straight and was found passed out on the floor by his father who couldn’t care less.
But when there’s a kid in the house, Christmas is apparently different.
Tony’s bedroom lights turn on before he wakes up, and Peter’s shaking him awake. He opens his eyes to the harsh light of his over-the-top light, and he winces as Peter tells him it’s Christmas. Tony turns on his side, chuckling slightly.
“Morning, kid.”
“It’s Christmas, Mr Stark!”
“I see that,” Tony smiles, leaning up. He moves his legs to the side of his bed, pushing himself up and laughing softly at the kid’s Christmas pyjamas. “Where did you even get those?”
“You said, and I quote, ‘you can order whatever you want, whenever you want, if you want’…so I did. And there’s more to come!”
Peter grabs Tony’s hand, and Tony doesn’t wince once. Pulling him through the long corridors, Tony has to time to think. He never thought he could be a father figure to someone. He never imagined this white picket fence holiday, hanging out with his family around a Christmas tree as they hand around presents that they picked out meticulously for each other. He never imagined having a kid pushing him around, desperately trying to wake him up as they’d only enjoy the day with him around. He was never the type of person to have this, but now he does. And he’s going to give it all away. It’s selfless, but giving it away is what he needs to do to save the world. God, it burns.
“Jesus, kiddo,” Tony laughs, walking into the living room.
The room is transformed. A big Christmas tree he must’ve put up after Tony went to sleep (how does he have so much time on his hands?), with a few presents underneath it. There’s not many, in fact only three or four but they mean so much more than any gift he’s ever had before. Tony almost wells up again, but he pushes it aside.
“It looks great.”
“Thanks!” Peter beams, “it took me a long time to do all of it. But I think it turned out well.”
Tony sits down by the tree, and Peter immediately sits beside him. But he doesn’t sit down for long, as Peter throws a crumpled pile of clothes on his lap. They’re matching pyjamas to the ones Peter have on. Tony rolls his eyes to the idea, but he doesn’t fight it. He comes back minutes later wearing pyjamas with penguins on them, both penguins wearing their own Christmas hats. He looks like an idiot, but it makes the kid happy.
The day is amazing. The kid gifts him a mug saying ‘best dad’ which makes his heat skip a beat, although they both know it’s a joke between the two of them. Tony has refined the kid’s spider-man suit as a gift, because there’s no way he’s letting the boy out in that tiny piece of fabric again. Tony may give the kid more than just that, but he’s always been known to go overboard so is it a shock that he does? They make a dinner together, in which they share over a Christmas film. Peter tells him stories of holidays from before, days he shared with his uncle and aunt when they were here.
And when the kid goes to bed, Tony just feels… done.
He tucks the kid in, gives him a kiss on the head, and walks out of the bedroom. Turning the light off, he stands still in the hallway. Knowing what he’s going to do to save the world, he realises he’ll be just as alone as he once was. He knows he won’t feel it, because he’ll be long gone… but nevertheless it feels like a kick in the teeth that Tony Stark is destined to be alone.
He walks over to the kitchen, reaching down to grab a hidden box of drink he’s kept just in case. He pops it open, and without a second thought, he lets one drop hit the back of his throat. Then another. And before he’s aware of anything, two cans and a bottle are gone, and there’s that familiar buzz.
His vision goes blurry, and he struggles to keep himself up. He drops the bottle, and it rolls down far away with a loud smash of glass. Tony doesn’t see where it goes. He is no longer in control, something that’s incredibly important for a man like him. Walking too fast, too slow, or not at all, it takes Tony a while to realise how drunk he feels- and it’s a horrible feeling where he feels like there’s an anchor in his stomach that’s pulling him to the floor and telling him he’s messed up. Again.
Ashamed, scared, and frightened he runs to his bedroom (as soon as he can move again) and locks himself away. Peter can’t see him like this, especially because of their limited time together. Climbing on his bed, Tony finally let’s go and all the memories of his past and present crash down to him. Wetness hits his cheek, and he cries for the first time in a long, long, time.
Is it wrong to cry over a death he’s signed himself up to? Is it wrong to yearn for himself to say no to Strange and live like this for as long as he might live? Is it wrong… for Tony Stark to want a family? To be happy? He knows no answers for the questions he asks himself but seeing the kid so excited… the only thing he’ll do is what Peter wants. And all Peter wants is to save the world, so that’s what he’ll do… well, when he’s sober again.