Hope can be painful, too
New Year’s Eve rolls around and Robin is reminded that Yelena turns four on January 3rd.
It had been agreed upon between Melina and Robin that they’d introduce Yelena into some training when she was four. Not quite old enough for well enough developed gross motor skills but it would have to be old enough for everything else because they were running on borrowed time.
The girls want to stay up long enough to watch the ball drop at midnight. Yelena doesn’t make it past ten and Natasha is tucked up into a tight ball leaning against Melina, valiantly fighting off sleep as it nears eleven.
The fireworks that go off as the clock reaches eleven-thirty causes Melina and Natasha to stiffen and Yelena to wake.
Robin’s not fond of the explosions either and the four end up pressed together on the couch under a blanket with the lights turned on and all of them ignore the flinches that happen with each firework set off.
Robin usually sings soft and slow but this time she sings Yelena’s favorite song as of late, trying to coax the toddler to uncover her ears and that they were safe.
“So bye-bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry!” Robin sings loud enough to cover up the sounds of fireworks, nuzzling her nose against Yelena’s as she tries to coax her to sing along. “And them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singing ‘this’ll be the day that I die’.”
Yelena peers up at Robin, her tiny fingers tangling into Robin’s hair as she curls against her mama. “Did you write the book of love, and do you have faith in God above if the Bible tells you so?” Yelena mumbles along with Robin, unsure and glances warily toward the windows.
“Now do you believe in rock and roll, can music save your mortal soul and can you teach me how to dance real slow?” Robin bounces Yelena slightly in her lap, smiling when she gets a soft giggle. “Well, I know that you’re in love with him ‘cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.” She pauses and Yelena eagerly continues the song.
“You both kicked off your shoes!” She sings. “Man I dig those ry-rhy-rhythm and blues!” Yelena stumbles but keeps going.
Robin glances at Melina and Natasha, gesturing at Melina to exchange kids. Melina reaches over to take Yelena so Robin can scoop the stiff copper-haired child into her lap.
“I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck,” Robin continues the song, gently bouncing Natasha on her lap like she did with Yelena. “With a pink carnation and a pickup truck. But I knew I was out of luck--” Robin paused, watching Natasha and waiting for the child to finish the lyric.
“The day the music died.” Natasha finishes with a whisper when she realizes Robin was waiting for her and wouldn’t continue the song without her input.
Robin nuzzles her nose against Natasha’s as a reward, grinning as she picks up where she left off. “I started singin’ bye-bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.”
Yelena eagerly singing in Melina’s lap seems to soothe the Widow. A small smile crosses her face as Yelena clambers on her and sings her little heart out.
“Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye, and singin’ ‘this’ll be the day that I die. This’ll be the day that I die’,” Robin pulls Natasha close when the child rests her head onto her shoulder. “Now for ten years we’ve been on our own, and moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone. But that’s not how it used to be.”
The clock strikes midnight and the fireworks are on full display and a little family is singing along to the youngest’s favorite song.
“When the jester sang for the king and queen in a coat he borrowed from James Dean and a voice that came from you and me--” Robin paused, glancing at Melina expectantly.
Melina glances at the girls chorusing as they continue before smiling softly. “Oh, and while the king was looking down the jester stole his thorny crown…” She continues, soft and sweet.
Robin’s breath catches in her throat when she hears Melina sing. Either the Red Room trained her or she had a lovely voice.
When the fireworks die off, Robin picks up and the four of them finish the song off.
Yelena’s wide awake now, still bouncing in Melina’s lap with a wide grin on her face. “Sing it again?” She asks and Robin lets out a laugh.
“No, little one. It’s bedtime,” Admittedly, riling a toddler up at midnight wasn’t the best idea but it had worked to soothe her. “Say night-night.”
Yelena blows a raspberry at her instead before defending into giggles when Melina tickles her side. “Come on, little dove,” Melina stands, pulling Yelena close. “Let’s get you into bed.”
Robin stands as well, Natasha tightening her grip around her. “I’ve got you, sweetheart,” Robin reassures her, following Melina upstairs.
She had noticed that since the incident with her teacher, Natasha was very clingy. Where she once jumped with each touch, Natasha would now seek out Melina or Robin just to be held.
Robin never minded it. She got used to walking into a room to see Melina just holding Natasha close, swaying in place slightly. Robin got used to waking up to see Natasha staring at her because she had been too frightened to wake her up to ask for comfort or to admit she wet the bed and needed help and snuggles.
It gets to the point that Robin thinks Natasha might have an unhealthy attachment. She wants to be held by Robin all the time. Robin understands that Natasha associates Robin with safety and wants to feel safe. But Robin cannot carry her everywhere for the rest of her life.
Still, Robin is under the belief that it’s okay to indulge in Natasha for a little bit. The trauma is still fresh and Natasha is not a normal child.
Robin wakes up that night to Natasha standing next to her, rocking slightly on her feet. Robin notices the change of pajamas that were different than what she went to bed in and sits up, reaching her arms out. Natasha clambers into Robin’s lap, burying her face into Robin’s collar.
“What’s wrong, my sweet baby?” Robin murmurs, pressing a kiss to Natasha’s curls. Natasha doesn’t reply, curling her fingers into Robin’s pajama top instead.
Melina, having woken slightly when hearing Robin speak, rolls over to make room for Natasha before dozing lightly, keeping an ear out for if they need her.
Robin shifts to settle Natasha down between them as usual when Natasha tightens her grip, clinging to Robin fiercely. “Don’t let me go!”
Melina sits up at the raised voice and Robin stills when Natasha sniffles.
“Okay,” Robin said softly, shifting to pull Natasha closer. “I’ve got you. You’re safe, Natasha. It’s just you, me, and Melina right now.”
Melina shifts closer, reaching out to set a hand onto Natasha’s back.
“I don’t want you to go,” Natasha shakes her head. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to die.”
Robin pressed a kiss to the crown of Natasha’s head. “Little one, I’m not going anywhere until the mission is finished.”
“I can’t be a good Widow,” Natasha whispers against Robin’s neck like a confession. “I can’t. I’m sorry, I tried. I tried really hard.”
Melina holds her arms out and Robin manages to peel Natasha away from her to pass her to Melina. Natasha doesn’t let her go all the way, her fingers curled into Robin’s top still as Melina holds her.
“You tried to what?” Melina asked, cradling Natasha against her like she did when Yelena was upset and needed soothing.
“I tried to not get used to kind touches that aren’t earned,” Natasha’s stiff and painfully quiet. “When we go back, I’m gonna miss them and I won’t get them and it’s mean that you hold me now when I won’t get it anymore when I go back.”
And Robin…
Robin finally breaks her code.
“I told you that you will be my little girl forever and always,” Robin leans closer, pressing her forehead against Natasha’s. “When you go back, that will not be the last that you see of me. You’ll be mine again.”
Natasha peers up at Robin and Robin can feel Melina stare at the side of her head.
Robin finally makes a promise that she might not be able to keep.