Chapter 20
It’s a foolish thing to be triggered by.
Yelena, MJ, and Peter are trying to pick out a movie to watch. Peter’s scrolling through the choices and a movie pops up onto the screen for just a moment.
But Yelena sucks in a sharp breath and is hit with an intense flashback.
“I will kill you all! Don’t touch her!”
“My girls are the strongest girls in the world.”
“She’s only six.”
“You were even younger.”
Yelena thinks back to the My Little Pony doll she had carted around. The sound it made as it hit the ground when she dropped it in favor of pulling at her arm that the soldier had grabbed.
A kids show. Animated cartoon ponies for little girls. A trigger.
Yelena doesn’t know how long she’s stuck in her head but when she can feel the warmth pressed against her as someone holds her close, she’s laying on her back.
There’s someone grabbing her wrists firmly and they’re pinned against her chest. Her legs are sprawled out awkwardly and her head hurts.
“Hey, you back with me, little one?” Natasha’s soft voice makes Yelena’s eyes flicker from looking up at the ceiling to looking up at the curtain of red hair as her sister looks down at her. Yelena frowns slightly at the Russian.
“My head hurts…” She whispers but she doesn’t think it comes out in English.
“I know,” Natasha loosens the grip on her wrists. “Are you overwhelmed still?”
Yelena slowly shakes her head, using her hands to shakily push herself up. “Just confused.”
“You had a massive flashback. You were yelling for me,” Natasha said quietly. “You kept begging me to not let them take you.”
Yelena sits up but leans against Natasha. “I’m sorry.”
Natasha immediately shakes her head. “Don’t be sorry. You were hitting your head to try and get your brain to shut up. That’s why your head hurts.”
Yelena swallows hard and looks down. “And my wrists? You were holding my wrists.”
“Pulling your hair,” Natasha replies, wrapping her arms around Yelena slowly, giving her time to push her away.
Yelena can’t remember the last time she had an episode that bad.
“Peter? MJ?” Yelena whispers when she can’t find them in the room.
“They’re giving you space. MJ came to get me,” Natasha explained, gently rocking Yelena side to side in a steady rhythm. “What do you need from me at the moment?”
“I dunno…” Yelena admits quietly, tucking her face against Natash’s neck. “Don’t lemme go…”
“I’d hold you for forever if I could,” Natasha whispers, pressing a lingering kiss to Yelena’s forehead.
“Did I interrupt you?” Yelena inquired, focusing on the sound of her sister’s heartbeat.
Natasha shakes her head. “Maria was just telling me what SHIELD had on Ross.”
Yelena lets out a hum before falling silent. Natasha’s fingers stroke Yelena’s hair.
Yelena’s tired but she’s afraid to close her eyes. “Don’t let the monsters get me…” Yelena whispers and she hates how young it makes her sound.
Natasha adjusts her grip to pull Yelena closer, cupping her head to her. “I won’t.” She promised and Yelena relaxes against her.
She feels safe.
Yelena’s eyes close against her will and she lets out a tired sigh. “Think I’m gonna sleep, momma…”
“You do what you need to,” Natasha said softly. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
Yelena has a lot to talk about in her next therapy session. She doesn’t mean to dump all of her issues out onto Frankie’s lap but she had a lot of problems that she didn’t know how to fix.
Frankie is patient and gives her their full attention. They sometimes stop her to elaborate on how she felt or what she thought.
Yelena spoke about the jealousy she felt for Maria.
She spoke about the guilt she held for lashing out at Natasha.
She spoke about the crush she held on MJ.
She spoke about Ross and her fears of the others leaving when he was gone.
She spoke about the suit Tony made her and her fear of falling.
She spoke about the massive flashback she had that made her feel like she was going insane.
Yelena talks the whole time until the duck timer on Frankie’s desk dings.
It would be three days until she would have another session with Frankie.
Frankie says that they’ll pick up where they left off on Friday and Yelena leaves the session feeling drained.
She has a nightmare that night that leaves her begging Natasha for a pair of handcuffs.
“Your wrist is still bruised,” Natasha denies and shame floods through Yelena. “Come here, lemme help you.”
Yelena, confused but desperate, shuffles toward Natasha. Natasha raised Yelena’s wrist like it was handcuffed but wrapped her fingers around Yelena’s wrist, giving firm pressure as she held Yelena’s wrist up.
Yelena looks up at her. “That’s not handcuffs…”
“They’re not,” Natasha agreed. “It’s safer. I’m right here, little one. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know that,” Yelena said, deciding that she might as well give it a try. She closed her eyes to try and sleep more.
During the next therapy session, Frankie brings up where Yelena left off.
“Let’s start with the jealousy of Maria.” Frankie taps a pen against her pad of paper.
Yelena explains more and Frankie tells Yelena to think about why she’s jealous. To address the inner voice telling her to be jealous. Frankie reminds Yelena that it’s okay to have these thoughts but she can’t let them run her life.
Yelena’s scared of Natasha leaving her for Maria. She tells Frankie such.
They then move onto the guilt Yelena still felt for lashing out at Natasha.
“What would you think about Natasha setting up rules and consequences for you? Do you think that would help?” Frankie suggested and Yelena shrugs.
“I just want to stop feeling guilty.” Yelena admits quietly.
“Do you feel that you are able to start a conversation with Natasha about needing rules? Would having rules and known consequences help you feel safe?” Frankie prompts and Yelena thinks it might.
The Red Room had rules too. And most of the time, if Yelena followed every rule, then she didn’t get hurt. They’d still hurt her just because sometimes but the rules kept Yelena safe.
Then they speak about the crush Yelena held for MJ.
“Is pursuing a relationship something that you want at this stage?” Frankie questioned and Yelena shrugs.
“I don’t know.” She said honestly. “Tony has Pepper and Natasha has Maria. I think Toni has a crush on Wanda. Peter likes this one girl from his school…”
“You’re feeling pressured to have a relationship too?” Frankie guessed and Yelena shrugs again.
She feels like she does a lot of shrugging. “MJ makes me feel safe. I like her a lot. We’ve kissed once. But I don’t want all the sexual stuff. I don’t want to makeout with tongue and have sex. Natasha and Maria tell me that relationships aren’t just sex.”
“They’re right,” Frankie nods their head. “What would you do if MJ asked you out on a date?”
Yelena froze. “Uh… I don’t know…” She admits. “I’m not really allowed to leave the tower with her and Peter alone because I keep getting kidnapped.”
“Okay. Let me rephrase. If MJ expressed similar interest in you, would you be willing to start a relationship?” Frankie said.
“Probably. I like MJ a lot. But I’m scared of hurting her. I’m scared that I can’t love her romantically or that she’s gonna want more than I can give,” Yelena confessed.
Yelena doesn’t want to speak any more about that and tells Frankie such.
Frankie drops the subject. They’re speaking about Ross and the ‘Rogue Avengers’ leaving after everything is done when the duck timer goes off once again.
Yelena leaves with a lot of thoughts in her head, Frankie having prompted new ideas that Yelena hadn’t thought of before.