Chapter 19
Yelena knows that all had been forgiven between her and Natasha but she still can’t help but feel guilty.
She shoved at her sister and yelled and essentially acted like a toddler. Natasha sat her down and they talked it out and Natasha forgave her but Yelena still feels like she deserved some sort of punishment.
Yelena speaks with MJ about it. “How do your parents punish you when you’ve done something bad?”
MJ shrugs. “I’m not exactly the pinnacle of a good child. I get constant detentions at school despite the fact I have perfect grades. I used to get into fights when I was younger.”
“But how do they punish you?” Yelena repeats and MJ frowns at her.
“I guess it depends on what I’d done. I sometimes think they’ve given up on me because I’m not perfect,” MJ lets out a sigh. “They usually just ground me.”
“Ground you?” Yelena repeats with a frown.
“Yeah. Or take my cell phone. They’d yell at me sometimes, tell me that they were disappointed and expected better. Why?” MJ looks up at Yelena.
Yelena lets out a long sigh and drops her head into her hands. “I messed up and even though Natasha forgave me for it I still feel guilty.”
MJ nods her head. “What did she do for your punishment?”
“Nothing. I think she’s scared of giving me one,” Yelena sighs and flops to lay back on her bed. She won’t admit that she’s scared of having one.
“Nothing?” MJ repeats, laying back next to Yelena and turning her head to look at her.
“We sat down and talked. She told me she loved me no matter what I did and I-- I cried and we talked about feelings and shit and… that was it,” Yelena looks over at MJ.
MJ lets out a hum. “What did they used to do to punish you in that place you came from?” Although MJ knew the basics about Yelena, and to an extent knew more about what happened while in the Red Room, she still didn’t know everything.
Yelena is quiet for a moment. “It depends on what I did.”
“If you did what you had done to Natasha?” MJ asked and Yelena feels a shudder crawl up her spine.
“They’d have killed me.” Yelena replies seriously. “If I even dared to talk back then they would have beat me black and blue.”
MJ reaches out and grasped her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “Natasha won’t hurt you.”
“I know that. Natasha won’t hurt me like that. I think…” Yelena trails off as a thought hits her.
“Think what?” MJ prompts when Yelena went quiet.
“I dunno… maybe I felt safe enough with her to do that? I wouldn’t have dared do something like that back there…” Yelena said. “But I know Natasha wouldn’t hurt me. So I-- I did that.”
“But you still feel guilty.” MJ states and Yelena nods her head.
“I still feel guilty.” She echoes quietly. “I hurt my sister. I know that I did and it makes me feel bad.”
“Tell her that.” MJ said. “I’m not the best person when it comes to feelings but this is clearly bothering you.”
MJ then points a finger at Yelena when she opened her mouth. “That’s not an invitation to apologize, Belova.”
Yelena lets out a small laugh. “Okay, okay.” She said, swatting the finger in her face away. “Clint and Natasha had a fight about punishing me before we left the farm.”
“I know.” MJ said, rolling onto her side to face Yelena. “If you think that you need consequences for this, and I don’t understand that or know why, but if you really think you need that then tell your sister.”
Yelena lets out a groan. “Talking about feelings is hard!”
MJ lets out a soft chuckle. “Ignoring it won’t make things better.”
“Yeah. I know.” Yelena twists her head to look at MJ. “You’re a really good friend.”
MJ grins at her. “I know. Now come braid my hair.”
“You wanted to talk in person?” Maria Hill was standing in the doorway of Yelena’s bedroom.
“Yeah…” Yelena beckons her in. Maria takes a seat on the bed in front of her and Yelena is quiet.
“Is everything okay?” Maria asked with a small frown.
“Do you really like my sister?” Yelena asked and Maria blinks before nodding.
“I do. I’ve liked her for a while now. Just… never acted on anything,” Maria replies honestly.
“Are you going to hurt my sister?” Yelena asked and Maria raised an eyebrow.
“Is this your version of a shovel talk?” Maria questioned and Yelena wrinkles her nose.
“I… do not own a shovel,” Yelena replies. “Why would I need a shovel for a talk?”
Maria shakes her head. “It’s a saying.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Yelena points out.
“I’ve already hurt your sister by lying to her. At some point in every relationship, there are going to be bumps. I’m probably going to end up accidentally hurting Natasha sometime down the line,” Maria said honestly. “But we will figure things out. We always have.”
“What if Natasha hurts you?” Yelena asked and Maria looked surprised at the question. “Would you be able to forgive her?”
“I’d probably be upset for a bit depending on what she did. But in the end, depending on what she did, I’d probably forgive her,” Maria tilts her head to the side as she studies Yelena. “You can ask me anything. I’ll answer you honestly.”
“Have you had sex with girls before?” Yelena questioned bluntly and Maria’s cheeks turn pink as she nods.
“I have.” Maria nods her head.
“Do you want to have sex with Natasha?” Yelena then inquired.
Maria stares at her for a few moments before nodding. “She’s beautiful. If that’s something that she wants then… yeah.”
“What if she doesn’t want that?” Yelena folds her arms and Maria frowns.
“I’m not going to push your sister into anything that she’s uncomfortable with,” Maria said adamantly.
“What if she never wants to have sex?” Yelena challenged and Maria shrugs.
“They’ve invented sex toys for a reason.” Maria replies and Yelena wrinkles her nose in disgust. “If Natasha never wants to have sex then that’s okay with me. Relationships aren’t just sex.”
“Yeah. Natasha said that to me too.” Yelena murmurs.
“Is this actually about me and Natasha or relationships in general?” Maria squints at her slightly. “I’m having a hard time telling.”
Yelena lets out a half-hearted shrug. “Do you think you can love Natasha even after everything she’s done?”
“I love her as a friend right now. Maybe a little bit more than that,” Maria said honestly. “My background isn’t exactly squeaky clean either.”
Yelena pulls her knees up to her chest and stares at Maria. “Do you think that Natasha deserves romantic love?”
“What kind of question is that?” Maria blurts before sighing. “Of course I do. She deserves to be happy. Even if it isn’t with me.”
Yelena taps her fingers against her shin, glancing away when she asked her next question. “Do you think that I deserve that?”
“You deserve to be happy,” Maria reached out to rest a hand over Yelena’s. “What was done to you was horrible and nobody should ever have to go through that. You have a lot of demons but that’s okay. You deserve to love and be loved in return.”
“... I’m scared…” Yelena admits quietly.
“It’s okay to be scared,” Maria scoots forward on the bed to wrap her arms around Yelena. “I’m scared too.” She whispers.
Yelena unfolds herself to wrap her arms around Maria. “Thank you, Ria.”
“Of course,” Maria ruffles Yelena’s hair just like when she was younger.