Chapter 18
Yelena really didn’t mean for things to go so far but things spiraled and she found herself angry and irritable and unsure of how to deal with her emotions.
But Natasha persisted. She wouldn’t let Yelena shove her away.
Which leads to Yelena being torn about shoving Natasha away or pulling her closer because she really needed her momma at the moment.
The younger side of her crying out for their mother wins and Yelena collapses against Natasha’s hold.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry--” Yelena chokes out because she was such a brat and bad yet Natasha is still giving her hugs and kind touches.
“It’s okay, little one. We’ll figure this out. I’ve got you,” Natasha presses a kiss to her forehead and Yelena folds in on herself.
Yelena can’t function without the support and stability of Natasha. She knows that but she keeps trying to prove that she can be an adult. She’ll be an adult legally in a few years.
Natasha is going to die one day and Yelena will be left behind.
Yelena might have her people but nobody will ever replace Natasha.
Sure, Yelena had gone without Natasha before. But she was a different person then. She was a Widow just freed of mind control with no family or friends to lean on. She drank and self-harmed and was destructive.
She lived without really living.
She’s not that same cold and broken girl anymore. She’s changed.
Natasha is swaying them gently, whispering to her. “It’ll be alright. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
Yelena feels guilty. She feels ashamed and mortified. She broke with only a few soft words and persistence from Natasha.
She tries to explain her actions. She can see that Natasha was hurt by her pulling away. But Yelena can’t get out any words other than “momma” or “i’m sorry”.
Natasha guides her toward the bed and takes a seat, tugging Yelena up into her lap.
Yelena curls up into a tiny ball, pushing her face against Natasha’s neck. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry--”
“I know, little one,” Natasha soothes but Yelena can’t stop the apologies.
She’s sorry and she needs Natasha to know just how sorry she is but her mind is all muddled. Parts of it are yelling at her to pull away and go lock herself in the bathroom. Other parts are telling her that it’s okay to cry and be vulnerable because her momma is holding her and she’s safe.
“My mind won’t be quiet--” She finally manages to get out, digging her fingers into her thighs so that the pain will distract her.
“Hey, no--” Natasha grips her hand and brings her fingers up to her lips to kiss them. “What do you need from me?”
Yelena squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t know…” She whispers, letting out a sob. “My mind won’t be quiet. I can’t make it shut up.”
Natasha brushed her fingers over Yelena’s cheek. “Focus on me, okay? My heartbeat, my smell, the sound of my voice…”
Yelena pressed her ear against Natasha’s chest, moving her fingers to rest against the spot on Natasha’s neck where she can find her pulse.
Yelena listens as Natasha gently sings, tapping the name of the song onto Yelena’s stomach. Focusing on her helps quiet the overwhelming thoughts bouncing around inside her head.
They sit there for hours. Natasha keeps cycling through different genres. Yelena taps back the names of the songs if she recognized it before Natasha could tap it out.
Yelena gets tired as the tears eventually stop and her breathing evens out. She doesn’t know how to start explaining to Natasha. She doesn’t want to interrupt the moment.
She doesn’t want Natasha to stop.
She wants to be selfish and stay curled up in Natasha’s lap like a child for the rest of time.
But she needs to talk to Natasha because she knows that her actions upset Natasha.
“I’m sorry…” Yelena finally speaks up between songs and Natasha pauses to let her speak. “I was… bad.”
“You weren’t bad,” Natasha immediately replies but Yelena shakes her head.
“I was mean to you. I shoved you. I yelled at you and ignored you.” Yelena lists.
“That was bad behavior but that doesn’t make you bad. You’re still you. You’re a good person,” Natasha cups Yelena’s cheek. “We all make mistakes. We are not defined by them. We learn and we move forward. That took me a long time to learn.”
Yelena can’t help but lean into the hand cupping her face. “Why did you kiss Maria?”
She can see the brief flicker of surprise cross Natasha’s face at the sudden question. “Because I like her.”
Yelena waits a few moments before realizing that was it. “Nothing else?”
“Why else would I kiss her?” Natasha asked with a small frown and Yelena shrugs.
“I don’t know… do you love her?” Yelena inquired, resting her cheek against Natasha’s shoulder.
“It’s not love. But I like her. She’s my friend,” Natasha replies.
“But you want to be more than friends?” Yelena prompts and Natasha nods.
“I like Maria and she likes me back. Eventually, I’d like to take her out on a date. What’s with these questions?” Natasha rubs her thumb along Yelena’s cheek. “Hmm?”
“I know that you said that you like girls and boys. You said that it was okay for me to be asexual. But I never thought about… relationships like this…” Yelena struggles to put her thoughts into words. “Tony has Pepper. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend. They hug and kiss and hold hands and take care of each other.”
Yelena trails off before letting out a shrug.
“What if you can’t do that? What if Maria hurts you? What if you can’t have a relationship like that?” Yelena rambles.
“Yelena, is this about me and Maria or about you and MJ?” Natasha interrupts and Yelena falls quiet.
Those were thought she had too. She liked MJ but was too scared to do anything about it.
“The Red Room didn’t take away your ability to love people, Yelena,” Natasha tells her firmly. “Me and you are still people. We still have feelings no matter how hard they tried to take it from us.”
“I don’t want Maria to take you away from me,” Yelena finally admits quietly.
Natasha grips Yelena’s chin to tilt her head up to look at her. “Look at me, sweet girl. Look at me in the eyes.”
Yelena’s eyes flicker to lock onto Natasha’s emerald green ones.
“You are mine. Nobody can say or do anything that will make me change my mind.” Natasha said seriously. “Not even Maria. You will always come first.”
“Doesn’t it get tiring always putting me first?” Yelena asked.
“Sometimes,” Natasha said honestly and Yelena appreciates it. “But at the end of the day, you’re my kid and I love you so much. It’s worth it. I am so incredibly lucky that I’m able to call you my own.”
“I think I’m jealous of Maria,” Yelena confessed.
Natasha pulls her forward to press their foreheads together. “I think you’re jealous of Maria too. But that’s okay.”
“It is?” Yelena questioned quietly.
“It is. You are allowed to feel however you want. These are your emotions,” Natasha cups the back of Yelena’s neck. “The good. The bad. It doesn’t matter. I will be here with you the whole time.”
“I’m sorry for everything,” Yelena whispers, closing her eyes.
“It’s already been forgiven, little one,” Natasha whispers back. “I love you more than you will ever know.”
Yelena can’t help but smile slightly at those words. “I love you more than anybody and anything.”
“Things might get tough but I’m here and we’re gonna figure it out together,” Natasha promised her. “Do you hear me?”
“Together,” Yelena echoes, the pain in her chest that had lingered over the past few days finally seemed to fade.