letter
There are only a few days left before they leave the helicarrier for Clint’s farm and Yelena’s tried to be on her best behavior.
Even if Maria says that she wouldn’t let anyone take away her chance to go to the farm, Yelena doesn’t want to risk it. She wants to go so badly and the thought of it being taken away from her in a heartbeat makes her regret being so excited about something.
Yelena still hadn’t even managed to tell Natasha about Melina. She meant to but things started getting in the way and she wasn’t able to get around to it. Now with the holidays coming up, Yelena’s worried about telling her.
She doesn’t want Natasha mad at her, especially so close to when they leave. She hasn’t had a Christmas in eleven years, almost twelve years and she wants a happy one. She’s worried that Natasha will be upset with her for hiding it.
Yelena notices the pain in her abdomen started to appear almost daily. It’s nearly constant, coming and going within hours and leaving behind a noticeable but dull constant throbbing. At first, she tries to tell herself that it’s a pulled muscle. That she hurt herself when she was training with Bobbi.
Bobbi thought so too. They were working on a takedown and there was a sharp pain in her abdomen that had her on the ground. Bobbi worried she had pulled something, told her to ice it and get some rest.
It didn’t go away. Just like the thought of Melina, it just lingered under the surface. Yelena tries to occupy her mind with other things. She was spending a lot of time with Skye and Goose, trying to find something to do.
If Yelena tells anyone that she thinks something might be wrong, they might make her stay here while the others go to the farm. She doesn’t want that.
Skye seems to pick up on how she’s not feeling well both mentally and physically. “You okay, Tiny Dancer?” She questioned, pausing the game on the Game Boy as she peers up at the older teenager pressed against her hip. “You’re really quiet. Even more than usual.”
“Just… thinking,” Yelena replies truthfully, stroking the orange cat in her lap. Goose lets out a chirp, nuzzling their face against Yelena’s hand. She paused for a few moments. “I think something might be wrong with me.” She admits.
Skye frowns, her full attention on Yelena. “Why?” She questioned, raking her eyes over Yelena like she’d see some malady or injury that Yelena was hiding.
“I… do you ever just get that feeling that something’s wrong? You know it but you don’t know what?” Yelena questioned and Skye’s frown deepens as she inspects Yelena more closely.
“Yeah…” Skye says slowly. “Do you think something bad is gonna happen?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want it to happen,” Yelena pulls her knees to her chin and Skye closed the Game Boy to focus on Yelena.
“Well…” Skye starts, tapping her chin in thought. “What do you think is going to happen?”
Yelena opens her mouth before pausing. If she told about Melina then there were a numerous amount of things that could happen. If she told about the pain, it was the same thing.
“Nothing good.” Yelena finally manages. “I’m afraid that if I tell my sister, Bobbi, or Maria then I won’t get to go to the farm.”
“Do you know what’s wrong then?” Skye inquired and Yelena falls quiet. Skye huffs slightly, leaning her body against Yelena and resting her head onto her shoulder. “I don’t know why you won’t tell anybody but I’ve got your back. We’re trauma buddies, remember?”
Yelena rests her head against Skye’s, thinking for a few moments before she speaks. “That mission I snuck out on, the one where I got the files… I looked through them while they were downloading. I saw something that I shouldn’t have…”
“Something bad?” Skye asked, worry in her tone.
“No… just-- just unexpected. It doesn’t impact anyone but me and Natasha… and I haven’t told her yet,” Yelena scratches Goose under the chin as the cat curls into her.
“You’re scared of telling her,” Skye surmised and Yelena feels guilt settle in her gut again. “It can’t be that bad.”
Yelena was quiet and Skye tilts her head up to look at her. “It’s that bad?” She questioned in disbelief. “Bad enough that you think your sister will-- I dunno, hate you?”
“I could have told her before now. But I didn’t,” Yelena murmurs, squeezing her eyes shut. “And I’m worried that the longer I don’t tell her, the angrier she’ll be.”
“I think…” Skye starts slowly. “That if it’s troubling you this much that it might be better to just tell her and get it over with…”
“I don’t want her angry with me for Christmas,” Yelena admitted quietly. She wanted a good Christmas. The first good Christmas in nearly twelve years.
“Christmas isn’t for, like, six days. Do you think it’ll make her angry enough for a whole week?” Skye asked her and Yelena frowns as she thinks about it. “Maybe instead of telling her, you could just like, I dunno, write her a letter?”
Yelena glances at Skye. “A letter?”
Skye’s cheeks flush pink. “Moth told me to write letters to Phil about things I needed to tell him but didn’t think I actually speak to him.” She murmurs. “It’s easier to write them and leave them for him.”
“I… don’t even know what I’d write,” Yelena confessed. Would she write a long explanation about what happened and why she didn’t tell her or would she simply write ‘Melina is alive’ on a piece of paper?
“Just say whatever it is that you have to say. You don’t have to write a memoir,” Skye replies and Yelena doesn’t quite know the translation for the last word.
“Memoir?” She repeats with a raised eyebrow.
“A book about personal experiences,” Skye explains before bumping her shoulder against Yelena’s. “No need to complicate something that doesn’t need to be complicated.”
“I guess…” Yelena shakes her head, pulling Goose closer. “Thanks for the talk… can we play more?”
“Yeah, of course,” Skye turns the Game Boy back on and unpauses the game. Yelena focuses down on the game as Skye plays Pokemon.
Yelena crumples up another piece of paper in frustration. She couldn’t figure out how to tell Natasha about Melina.
She’s spent what felt like hours here in Goose’s office, crumpling up paper after paper as she discards letters that weren’t good enough.
Goose chirps, butting her head against Yelena’s. Yelena was sitting at the desk, tapping a black ink pen on the desk as she thinks. “I dunno what to say.” Yelena murmurs to Goose, taking a quick glance around at the crumpled pieces of paper around her.
Goose licks her cheek and Yelena wipes away alien saliva from her cheek. “Thanks.” She murmurs with a huff.
She doesn’t know how to address Melina. Does she call her Melina? Mom? Not-mom? Iron-Maiden?
She’s tried all of them but none of them look quite right.
It shouldn’t be so hard.
“What do you think?” Yelena looks up at Goose, the names listed down on the papers in front of her.
Goose moves forward and placed her paw on the first name.
“Melina. Right. That makes sense…” Yelena grabs another piece of paper. “Should I start with her name? She’ll know it’s for her, right?” Yelena lets out a huff. “I’ve never written a letter before.” She groans out.
Goose nuzzles her face against Yelena’s and the teenager drops her head onto the desk.
Goose chirps, licking a piece of her hair.
Yelena sits up after a moment and decides to forgo the name and just write.
WHILE ON THE MISSION I LOOKED IN THE FILES
I SAW MELINA’S FACE. SHE IS ALIVE. SHE IS STILL WITH THE RED ROOM.
Yelena details everything that she saw in the file and then looks down at the Russian she scrawled on the paper.
“Good enough?” She asked Goose. Goose swished her tail and licked her paw. Yelena carefully folds the paper in thirds and then looks around at the paper balls scattered around the room.
She hadn’t realized how much time she spent in Goose’s office trying to write the stupid letter. She moves toward her bunk and then she sets the piece of paper on Natasha’s pillow. Yelena then heads out to the nearest vent that she could access and hauls herself up and into it.
She goes to the nest, settling down in the corner, and pulls the Game Boy out of her vest. The batter was nearly drained from how long she was playing with Skye.
She waits in the vents, knowing that she had to present herself to Maria after dinner which was coming to an end soon. Natasha would find the letter and Yelena debates about skipping her meeting with Maria to just stay right there in the vents.
Yelena focuses on her game and tries not to think about how angry Natasha was going to be.