guilt
To Yelena’s surprise, May approaches her the day after her therapy session with Moth. “Can I speak with you?” May questioned her quietly and her body language tells Yelena that she expects to be turned down.
Yelena’s still wary about May approaching her but nods her head, knowing that she was free to leave anytime that she wanted. May takes her to the usual room that they trained in together before she stopped being Yelena’s SO. Instead of asking her to do tai-chi, May sits and asks Yelena to do the same.
Yelena senses another tough conversation coming as she lowers herself to the ground to sit facing May.
But of all the ways that she thought May would start the conversation, it wasn’t this. “I heard about what you did.”
Yelena was pretty sure that nearly all of SHIELD heard about the ‘runaway child assassin’. “So?”
“I heard your clearance was bumped up,” May continues on. “And you’re going to be an agent.”
May was just stating facts at the moment and Yelena isn’t quite sure how to reply.
“I also know that you haven’t been yourself since you’ve come back,” May says. “Phil told me about Skye’s behavior lately. She says you’ve been distant and quiet and she was worried.”
Yelena isn’t sure how to feel about Coulson gossiping about Skye’s fears with May. “So?” She replies once again, going on the defensive despite not knowing what point she was trying to make.
“I’ve been watching you for the past few days… do you want to know what I saw?” May asked and something in Yelena’s stomach twists at the thought of being watched and her not noticing it. “I saw myself.”
Yelena’s lips turn down in a frown, confusion on her face. “What?”
“I was like you after Bahrain,” May tells her, shifting her weight forward to rest her hands on her knees. Her voice was unusually soft. “You saw something or did something that you shouldn’t have and it’s eating at you.”
Yelena swallows hard, deciding to act nonchalant about it. “Maybe. What does it matter?”
“I didn’t… I didn’t get help after Bahrain. I locked myself away and let the wound that was opened fester until I couldn’t heal it,” May glances away, taking a slow breath. “If anybody would understand, I would. You can talk to me if you can’t talk to anyone else
Yelena takes a moment to think about it. “I don’t know if I can.” She finally says. She was already under lockdown for leaving, Yelena doesn’t want to get into even more trouble.
“I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. But whatever happened, no matter what you did, I know that you made the best call you could have made at the moment.” May has complete faith in her. Yelena didn’t have to snoop through the files but she got curious and looked.
May waits quietly and patiently as Yelena stares at her and wonders if she should.
“I went through the files that I downloaded,” She finally says, deciding to give May a chance. She needed to tell somebody about what she saw, to relieve the burden on her shoulders. “I saw… someone I thought was dead.”
May is listening quietly and when Yelena is silent for too long, she speaks up. “You were close to them?”
Yelena inhales deeply. “She was my mom.” She finally says, watching the brief flicker of shock flash across May’s face before she schools her features. “I thought she was dead. I… I’ve mourned her for eleven years.”
“But she’s not dead.” May states and Yelena swallows a sob, fighting to get words out past the lump in her throat.
“No.” Yelena croaks out quietly. “She-- she’s not.”
“She’s part of the Red Room still.” May inclines her head. “Do you want to free her as well?”
Yelena’s face crumples at the question because she just doesn’t know.
Melina had been her mama for three years, which isn’t a lot of time but Yelena’s earliest memory was curled against Melina’s chest. Melina was the only mother she had ever known. Yelena was her baby.
“I don’t know…” Yelena breathes out, reaching up to cover her face. “Does that make a bad person?”
“No,” May scoots forward, resting her hands onto Yelena’s knees. “What did I teach you?”
“I have a voice,” Yelena obediently replies.
“You have a voice,” May nods her head. “And only you know how you feel and how you use your voice. Your feelings aren’t wrong.”
“She was my mama--” Yelena swallows hard, curling her fingers into her hair and tugging slightly. “And I thought she died. But she didn’t and she-- she--” Yelena can’t get the words past her lips, the ultimate betrayal left unspoken. “She broke me!”
May sits up on her knees, moving closer to Yelena, and wraps her arms around her. Yelena folds in on herself as May holds her close.
“How could she do that to me?” Yelena demands through tears. “I thought she loved me!”
May says nothing. She gives no reassurances but Yelena doesn’t want them anyway. She doesn’t want to be reassured that her mama loved her or that she had no choice. She wants to be able to be angry and hurt without feeling guilty. May merely holds her as Yelena falls apart, letting go of all the hurt that had been building since she laid eyes on that damned file of Melina Vostokoff.
“It’s not fair--” Yelena chokes out. She knows just how unfair life is and she knows how cruel mankind can be but she had thought all these years that she had at least one parent. She wanted her mama many times in the Red Room. She wanted the protection and safety that she associated with only her mama.
“It’s not.” May agrees quietly.
“I can’t stop crying…” Yelena admits in a choked whisper. “I’m so mad but my body just makes me cry and I don’t know how to make it stop.”
“I know. I don’t have the answers for you. I’m sorry,” May says softly, regret in her tone. “But I’m here for you. I haven’t been lately and I’ve been working on it.”
“Please don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Yelena can’t take another betrayal. She just can’t.
“I’m going to try to be better,” May promises her.
Yelena’s gut instinct says to trust her.
So Yelena does.
“I’ve got a question for you,” Clint sets his tray of food down as he sits in the chair opposite of the girls in the cafeteria.
“Perhaps we’ve got an answer,” Natasha retorts, switching trays with Yelena.
“Yeah, yeah,” Clint rolls his eyes, his body language excited. “Laura and I wanted to know if you’d like to join us for Christmas.”
Yelena had totally forgotten about Christmas. “On the farm?” She asked and Clint nods his head. “I can’t.”
“We wouldn’t mind at all. You wouldn’t be intruding. Laura even promised to make another apple pie and teach you how to make Christmas cookies--” Clint starts to ramble.
“Clint--” Yelena interrupts and Clint looks at her. “I’m not allowed.”
Clint blinks a few times, a frown crossing his face. “What do you mean, beanie baby?”
“I’m not allowed to leave the Helicarrier until January. It’s my punishment,” Yelena ducks her head down, a frown on her face. Going to the farm to see Laura sounded nice and Yelena wanted to go. “Sorry.”
Yelena deserved the punishment she got. It could have been a lot worse.
Clint reaches out to ruffle her hair. “Don’t worry about it, beanie baby. I’ll talk to Maria.”
“No!” Yelena jerks in her spot, Natasha doing something similar.
“That will make things worse,” Natasha states, shoving Clint’s hand away.
Clint’s face softens slightly. “It won’t. Things are different here.” He reminds them. “Just leave things to me. I’ll make sure they know it’s my idea.”
Yelena ducks her head down. She had a lot on her mind and seeing Laura and the little ones might help. But she had a vacation with them not too long ago and she was in trouble. There was no way SHIELD would let her go.
This was Yelena’s mess that she got herself into. She deserved everything that came her way.
Natasha rests a hand onto Yelena’s knee and Yelena tries not to think of the secret she had concealed from her.
She can’t handle more guilt.