decisions
Yelena doesn’t know how to tell Natasha about Melina.
She wants to. The guilt of keeping it a secret is gnawing at her. But she also knows that Natasha carries guilt for everything that went wrong that concerned Yelena. Yelena doesn’t want her upset or drowning in guilt.
But this is eating away at her and Natasha has a right to know.
Yelena had plans to tell her when the weekend arrived but by the time that Saturday rolls around, Yelena woke up to pain so overwhelmed that she feels like vomiting.
Natasha wakes up to go to breakfast but quickly realizes that Yelena wasn’t feeling well when the teenager doesn’t budge from where she had curled into a ball.
“You’re having more flare-ups,” Natasha comments, concern in her tone as she brushes her hand over Yelena’s head to smooth back her hair. “That’s… twice in the last month.” Yelena used to be able to go months at a time without a flare-up and they weren’t usually that bad.
Yelena knows that. She knows that and it concerns her too. “Can I have Captain?”
Natasha fetches the stuffed cat from where Yelena tucked all her important things away. Natasha then leaves briefly to fill up the hot water bottle for Yelena.
Clint comes to find them when they don’t show up to breakfast. As soon as his eyes rest onto Yelena curled around the hot water bottle, his face softens and he eyes her in concern. “Are you alright?” He asked.
“She’s fine,” Natasha tells him, leaning against the door to block him from entering their room. “As you can see, I’m unable to join you for training.”
“Of course,” Clint’s gaze slides back to Yelena. “Do you want pain meds?”
Yelena accepted the pain medication while on the farm because Clint had procured it for her directly from the bottle. She saw him do it. She would need Natasha to go with him to verify that she wasn’t being poisoned if she did accept it.
She also knew that admitting to needing pain medication meant that she was unable to tolerate the pain. Yelena could ride this out if she had to, she just couldn’t move from where she had tucked herself into a tight ball around the hot water bottle.
“Do you want me to call Bobbi so that Nat can come with me?” Clint questioned Yelena with a small frown. “I do think that you need some pain relief but I’m not gonna force you to take anything.”
“It’s your choice,” Natasha tells Yelena firmly although Yelena knew she just wanted relief for her also.
Yelena burrows further under the blanket, thinking it over in her head. It was hard to focus with all the pain and it was making her thoughts cloudy.
Yelena must have zoned out while thinking because the next thing she knows the bed is dipping down and the warm scent she associated with Bobbi surrounds her.
“Hey kiddo,” Bobbi says when she notices Yelena’s gaze finally focus on her. “You’re pretty out of it, huh?” Her hand gently lands on Yelena’s head.
“Bobbi…” Yelena whispers out, her gaze searching for Natasha. Bobbi can guess what she’s looking for.
“Your sister is with Clint,” Bobbi reassures her, stroking her hair. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
Yelena shakes her head. It’s too hard to think at the moment. Yelena keeps getting lost in her head, wondering about what she could do about the pain but also sinking into thoughts about how the Red Room would have taken advantage of her or made her get up and still train. Yelena briefly thinks about Melina but tries to shove that thought away, not wanting to focus on that at the moment. The guilt just made her feel worse.
“Pressure?” Yelena quietly requests from Bobbi. Bobbi can’t reach the back of her neck from where she’s curled up in a ball.
“Okay. Can I move you?” Bobbi asked and Yelena barely lets out a nod before Bobbi slides her arms around her and hoists her up and into her lap. “I’ve got you, kiddo. It’s just me.” Bobbi’s hand slides to cup the back of her neck and gives it a gentle squeeze.
Yelena almost immediately melts against Bobbi with the gentle pressure. Bobbi holds her close, swaying side to side in an attempt to comfort Yelena.
Yelena is reminded of a rocking chair that sat in the corner of her room in Ohio. It made the same rocking motion that Bobbi now and it made her think of those nights when she got upset about monsters in the closet and how Melina would hold her in the rocking chair. Yelena never understood what Melina said back then, she was still learning English. But now she can recall the soft statements of awe from her.
“You’re so little,” Melina had said. “And fragile. You don’t understand what will happen to you. They are going to break you and it will be a great loss.”
“Hey,” Bobbi’s voice breaks Yelena out of her thoughts and her gaze slides up to her face. “Are you still here with me, kiddo?”
Yelena swallows hard, her head resting on Bobbi’s shoulder. “Yeah.” She breathes out quietly.
“Do you remember what Moth taught us about staying in the present?” Bobbi questioned. Yelena can’t remember when Bobbi had gone from squeezing the back of her neck to stroking her hair. “I pick the color purple. Can you find and name all the purple things here in the room? I’ll start.I see your favorite purple shirt with the black rose. Do you remember when you picked that out?”
Yelena’s eyes land on her shirt, her fingers fidgeting with Captain’s fur. “Yes…”
“What else do you see is purple?” Bobbi coaxed and Yelena’s eyes flicker around the room. “Let’s find three things. Come on.”
“Flag.” The asexuality flag Carol had given her was poking out of the drawer where Natasha had pulled Captain out of.
“Good.” Bobbi coaxed. “Two more things. C’mon.”
Yelena peers out over the room again. “Socks.” Natasha had a pair of fuzzy purple socks that Clint had given to her with a wide grin.
“Very nice,” Bobbi nods her head, kissing the top of Yelena’s head. “One more. Come on, you can do it.”
Yelena scans the room once more, her gaze flickering from item to item as she searches for something else purple. “Water bottle.” She finally spots the reusable water bottle sitting on the chest of drawers.
“Atta girl,” Bobbi praised and Yelena adjusts the hot water bottle on her stomach as a sharp jolt of pain shoots through her. “It’s alright. I know it hurts but you’re safe. I’ve got you.”
Bobbi pulls out her phone and brings up compilations of dog videos. It helps give Yelena something to focus on and take her mind off of the pain.
The door finally opens and Yelena peers over at where her sister and Clint step into the room. “Sorry we took so long.” Clint apologizes. “They didn’t want to dispense medication without seeing you first but we got Maria to speak with them.”
Natasha approaches Yelena with two little white pills in her hand. Yelena doesn’t recognize the medication but she has the utmost faith in her big sister that she wouldn’t give her something that would harm her.
Yelena swallows the pills dry but accepts the little box of juice that Clint had brought her along with a pack of Pop-Tarts that he knew were her favorite.
Yelena wasn’t hungry but with some prompting from her big sister, drinks the juice box.
Bobbi shifts her from her own lap into Natasha’s when she sits down. Yelena curls into her big sister, a small whine of pain escaping her lips at the movement.
So many people are witnessing her weakness. Yelena trusts them but it’s hard to let them see her like this. She had been taught that she was marble. Marble doesn’t feel pain and marble doesn’t have emotions.
She’s not marble. Not anymore. She’s a teenage girl and it’s okay to feel things. It feels wrong but she’s not going to get into trouble. She knows that.
“You’re okay,” Natasha’s hand cups Yelena’s face. “We’ve got you. You’re safe.”
Yelena’s eyes water at the realization that Clint and Bobbi were here for her. They were concerned and they wanted to make sure she was okay.
Yelena doesn’t know if she’ll ever get used to people being concerned about her wellbeing.
She doesn’t even remember falling asleep, the pain medicine kicking in and causing her to be drowsy.
She wakes up when the door opens and she hears Marias’ voice. Yelena’s much to sleepy to care, curling into her sister tighter as she listens.
“How is she?” Maria questioned.
“Tired.” Natasha replies just as quietly as Maria. “She’s sleeping now.”
“Any relief from the medication?” Maria inquired.
“I think it allowed her to sleep,” Natasha comments and Yelena feels her hand stroke her hair. “Thank you for stepping in. She wouldn’t have gone to medical, even if it meant pain relief.”
“I don’t doubt that. You two are a special case when it comes to rules and protocols concerning medical,” Maria replies.
“Thank you,” Natasha said sincerely, her grip on Yelena tightening slightly.
“Of course,” Another hand falls onto Yelena’s back and Yelena tenses up some automatically before realizing that it was only Maria. “Clint spoke to me about wanting you two to go to the farm for Christmas. Is that what you want?”
“Yelena’s not allowed,” Natasha reminds Maria.
“That’s not what I asked,” Maria retorts, her tone still soft. “Would you and your sister like to go the farm for Christmas?”
Natasha was quiet for a few moments before she sighs. “Yes.”
“Do you or your sister celebrate Christmas or Hanukah?” Maria inquired and Yelena feels the soft dip in the bed as Maria sits.
“Not since I was eleven… Yelena was six,” Natasha replies and Yelena thinks of her last Christmas in Ohio. Christmas wasn’t a big thing for them. They mainly decorated for appearances and the only thing they got was one new toy so they had something to brag to the other kids about.
There was one Christmas when her not-dad had tried to encourage them about Santa but Natasha had gotten very angry at him about it. She had sworn at him and accused him of lying and manipulating them.
Natasha had been sent to her room and Yelena had to slip out of her room to crawl into her big sister’s bed that night.
“I’ll talk with the Director about approving a week leave for you and your sister to accompany Clint to the farm for Christmas,” Maria tells Natasha as Yelena listens quietly.
“You can’t just change punishment,” Natasha protests quietly. “You said--”
“I know what I was decided,” Maria gently interrupts her. “But I think that this is important for you and your sister.”
“You can’t just change your mind,” Natasha insists and Yelena feels warmth grow near as Maria shuffles closer.
“I had completely forgotten about Christmas when the decision was made. You two deserve a Christmas not trapped here on the helicarrier,” Maria said.
“Where are you going for Christmas?” Natasha questioned and Maria was quiet for a few moments.
“I’ll be here,” Maria finally sheepishly replies. “I have a lot of work to do.”
“Don’t you deserve a Christmas not trapped on the helicarrier as well?” Natasha inquired, Yelena feeling the same way.
“I’m Deputy Director of an intelligence agency. I already used up a lot of my vacation when I took Yelena and Skye…” Maria admits and guilt settles in Yelena’s stomach. “Christmas is a busy time as well. I don’t think I’ve had a Christmas off since… probably before I joined the army. Even then it was only because I was on break from school. I didn’t celebrate it at home.”
Maria had done so much for Yelena and Yelena wanted her to be able to celebrate with them. Yelena resolves herself to speak with both Clint and Fury about the matter before she starts to fall back asleep again, the pain just a dull throb as she listens to Maria and Natasha talk.
The next time she wakes up, it’s night and Natasha was curled around her in bed, fast asleep. Yelena turns in place, glancing over at the clock.
She sits up slightly when she realizes the date, the clock telling her it was just a little past one-thirty in the morning.
“Lenochka?” Natasha’s sleepy voice rasped, her hand reaching out to pull Yelena back down into her arms. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s December third,” Yelena comments, moving the hot water bottle that had turned lukewarm out of her lap.
“Yeah?” Natasha questioned as Yelena reaches up to tug her head down and press their foreheads together.
“Yeah.” Yelena lets out a small smile. “Happy birthday, Nattie.”