feelings
“I heard you’re going out again soon.”
Natasha glances over at her therapist briefly from where she had been staring at the bright green succulent on their desk. “Yes.”
“Would you like to talk about how you feel leaving the helicarrier once again? It’s been a few weeks since you’ve gone out,” They tap their pen against the notepad on their desk, an irritating staccato of tap-tap-tap.
“Do you get a chance to leave the helicarrier often?” Natasha turns the question back on them. “They your kids?” She nods at the photo displayed on their desk of grinning young children. “You must miss them.”
“That’s an old photo. My children are grown up now. Around your age, actually. Off in college. One is studying to be a doctor and the other wants to be a teacher,” There’s a small fond grin on their face. “If you had the chance, would you like to go to college, Natasha?”
Natasha hates how they’ve learned her tactics of evasion and turn the questions back at her once again. “I can’t.”
“But if you could--” They start and Natasha exhales sharply.
“I said I can’t!” She repeats more firmly. “I didn’t even finish primary school.” She never even finished fourth grade. While kids her age were learning to multiply fractions, Natasha learned to kill men three times her size.
“SHIELD has programs to help agents complete their GEDs and continue education if they want,” They learn forward. “Is that something that interests you?”
Natasha wasn’t too concerned with finishing school for herself but she thought of Yelena. Yelena never even finished first grade. The Red Room taught basic math and English but Yelena wouldn’t be able to live a normal life with no education.
“Natasha?” They prompt and Natasha peers up at her. “Are you still with me?”
“Yes.” Natasha leans back in her chair. “Yelena never finished first grade.” She offers out the tidbit of information to satisfy them.
“How does that make you feel?” They asked and Natasha feels like stabbing her eyes out with a rusty spoon. Never before had she had someone who constantly asked how she felt every other sentence.
When Natasha stares at them and offers nothing else, they let out a small sigh and flip back a page. “Right. We were talking about your upcoming mission. Are you nervous to leave your sister again?”
Natasha was nervous anytime Yelena wasn’t in her sight. Not that anybody but Yelena would be able to pick that out. “Of course I am. She’s my baby sister.” Natasha replies nonchalantly, drumming her fingers boredly on the rim of the chair she sat in. “Your children must worry about each other too.”
“They were never very close, unfortunately. Not like you and your sister,” Once again, they bring the conversation back to her. “Do you think that your separation is what brought you two closer?”
Natasha stops drumming on the chair, raising an eyebrow. “Do you think that me being ripped away from my sister brought me closer to her?”
“Do you fear that your sister will be taken from you again so your closeness is brought on by your protective nature?” They clarify and Natasha frowns.
“There’s always a chance of someone being taken away,” Natasha leans forward. “Your children could be taken from you. Maybe not abducted or trafficked. Maybe they’re driving to college and a drunk driver hits them. Maybe they’re struck by lightning or killed in a robbery gone wrong.” Natasha shrugs.
“Natasha.” They interrupt her and Natasha glances up at her. “Do you always consider the worst?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Natasha retorts, raising an eyebrow. “What do I have that could possibly make me think otherwise?”
They tap their pen against their desk. “I see. Back to my original question. Are you worried about leaving your sister once again for the mission?”
“We’ve already gone over this,” Natasha replies, folding her arms.
“What is your biggest worry about leaving your sister?” They question.
Natasha’s biggest worry was that she’d come back to find Yelena either hurt, dead, or just plain missing.
Sensing that Natasha wasn’t going to reply, they continue on. “Tell me about your upcoming mission.”
“We’re taking down leftover subsections of the Red Room,” Natasha replies. “A few divisions that branched off here in the states.”
“I read about the Widow that was captured a little while ago by your younger sister. She’s still being held by SHIELD. What do you plan on doing with the Widows you come across?” They question, leaning forward. “Are you to capture or eliminate?”
“That depends on orders from my superiors,” Natasha replies calmly, not wanting to think too hard about killing more little girls. She thinks how one of them could have been Yelena. Those girls could have people waiting for them. Looking for them.
“And if you are ordered to eliminate?” They tilt their head to the side. “Will you be able to follow that order?”
“I will comply with each and every order given to me,” Natasha responds. That was what was expected of her. It was her deal with SHIELD. She would follow orders and they would keep Yelena safe.
“Even if you find the order to be wrong?” They raised an eyebrow, their pen poised to write.
“Yes.” Natasha never had a choice before. It wasn’t that different here. Arguments could be made on how SHIELD functioned like a much better Red Room.
“What if they were to order you into a position you thought was dangerous and risked the loss of your life?” They inquired as their pen scratches out notes on their notepad.
“Yes.” Natasha inclines her head.
“Even if it meant not coming home to Yelena?” They questioned and the grip Natasha had on the arms of the chair tightened.
She is a Widow. She always has and always will be. Widows follow orders without hesitation, even if it results in their death. They give their life for the cause.
Yelena was Natasha’s weak spot and the therapist knew that. They’d know if Natasha was lying based on her reply.
“I don’t know.” Natasha finally gets out through gritted teeth. She’s saved by the timer on the desk going off signaling the end of their session. She doesn’t bother to wait for a dismissal, out the door before they even get the chance to silence the alarm.
Natasha wakes up that night to Yelena pinning her down, urging her that it was safe and that there was no danger. Natasha’s breathing heavily, disoriented and confused. She can’t quite remember what she dreamt about except that it ended with her screaming for Yelena, unable to find her.
Natasha sits up, twisting her wrist out of the handcuff and pulling Yelena against her. Yelena recognizes that the hold wasn’t dangerous and merely a desperate hug, leaning against Natasha and letting her take what she needs.
Natasha holds her baby sister close, taking a moment to shake off the feeling of phantom hands as they’re pried apart on an airstrip in Cuba. She tries not to think of Yelena’s cries or the way she saw a guard backhand the six-year-old for crying before Natasha disappears around the corner, hauled off by her own guards.
Yelena’s much bigger now and even deadlier. But she’s still Natasha’s baby sister and in many ways still the little girl whose innocence died on that damned airstrip.
Natasha pressed a kiss to the top of Yelena’s head, nuzzling her nose against the soft blonde hair that sticks up in some places from sleep. Yelena lets out a soft sigh of contentment, her fingers curling into Natasha’s pajama top.
Natasha still hasn’t told her she’s going back out and she certainly hasn’t told her that she’s going back to the Red Room for more information on bases to take down.
Yelena would want to go as well. Natasha doesn’t want Yelena anywhere near that place ever again. She wants her sister to be able to live her life.
Natasha was damned. She always has been. But Yelena was only there for ten years, she still has so much life ahead of her. She can come back from this. And if it takes Natasha selling her soul to another organization to be their puppet then she would do it in a heartbeat. Yelena deserved the whole world and Natasha would do anything she could to give that to her.
“Do you need to go to the gym?” Yelena’s quiet voice breaks Natasha out of her thoughts. The teenager has her head tucked against Natasha’s neck and she sounds sleepy. Natasha certainly had a lot to work out on the bags but Yelena would insist on coming as well. But if Natasha denied it, Yelena would know she was lying.
“I think so,” Natasha lets out a sigh, running a hand over Yelena’s bedhead to smooth it down. She shoves down the guilt that arises when Yelena yawns as she pulls away. “You don’t have to come.”
“I’m okay,” Yelena insists, rubbing her eyes to get rid of the sleep that clung to her face. Natasha quickly cups the back of Yelena’s neck and pulls her back in to kiss her forehead, hoping that Yelena knows how grateful she is. Natasha has a very hard time verbally expressing her love for Yelena but Yelena knows that she is loved, Natasha makes sure of that.
The pair make their way down to the gym. It’s almost empty the only sight was Maria working away on the bags. Yelena steps toward the sparring mat, assuming that was what Natasha had needed.
But Natasha doesn’t want to spar her sister when she’s so tired. It’s not only dangerous but someone would inevitably end up getting hurt. “Sit this out.” She tells Yelena.
Yelena, although tired, immediately bristles at what Natasha didn’t say. “I’m fine.” She insists, sliding into a stance.
“Lenochka,” Natasha softens her voice. “You’re exhausted. Sit this out.”
“But--” Yelena immediately opens her mouth to protest before she’s interrupted.
“Sit this one out,” Maria crosses the room. “I’ll do it.” She glances at Natasha. “If you’re alright with that.”
Yelena folds her arms, glancing over at Natasha as well as she waits for the reply.
“That’s fine,” Natasha says and Yelena reluctantly steps off the mat and takes a seat as Natasha and Maria move into position.
Natasha hadn’t had the chance to spar with Maria since Yelena tried to ask her if she liked Maria romantically.
The question was so absurd and out of the blue that Natasha shut her down quickly. But in her hasty attempts, she had hurt her sister and confused her to the point that she needed to seek guidance from other people.
Natasha doesn’t know why the thought of her liking Maria romantically made her feel wrong.
Maria was her superior. She was a stickler for the rules. She was a girl.
But she was also kind and gentle when she needed to be and so soft with Yelena. Each time Maria smiled at her, Natasha’s insides twist up and she tries to think of anything but wanting to know if Maria felt the same way.
Besides, there was no way Maria would ever feel the same so it was foolish to think about what-ifs.
Natasha was a Widow. She was a cold-blooded killer and didn’t have room in her life for that sort of thing.
She only ever needs to love one person and that person was on the verge of falling asleep on the edge of the mats.
Yet there is a small hole in her heart that seems to be Maria-shaped and no matter how hard Natasha tries to ignore it or fill it in with something else, it lingers behind.
Natasha takes Maria down and tries not to think about it.