fears
Yelena fell asleep.
She doesn’t know why. She doesn’t usually fall asleep in an open place such as the gym but she was exhausted and she was only going to rest her eyes for a moment and listen to the sound of Natasha and Maria sparring.
And then she fell asleep.
And to her utter embarrassment, she had a nightmare. She ends up waking up with Natasha in front of her, her hands grabbing her face and someone holding her from behind.
Yelena doesn’t know who is holding her down until she catches a whiff of the minty scent that she associated with Maria.
Maria knew she had nightmares. Maria had laid next to her on long nights when Yelena stayed with her and missed her sister.
But this was different. Maria never held her like this and Natasha wasn’t there so she was the first person Yelena saw.
“Breathe, Lenochka. You’re okay,” Natasha coaxed gently in Russian, her thumbs rubbing small circles into Yelena’s cheeks. “You’re safe.”
The grip Maria had on her slackened and Yelena almost immediately misses the pressure that was provided now that she knew it was only Maria and not somebody else.
“Safe.” Yelena echoes Natasha quietly, her voice cracking as she tries her best to inhale a lungful of air. She can still remember her dream, watching as the life drained from her not-mom’s eyes. Even still-- “I want mama.” Yelena can’t help but whine out, craving the comfort given to her as a young child. Ohio is still fresh in her mind, especially when she had sat through the car ride once again, leaving the house that she had been loved in all the way to the point of watching Melina slowly bleed out in the cockpit of the plane and then being carted off as she slowly faded.
Natasha doesn’t look like she knows how to respond to Yelena’s words, tilting her head forward to press a kiss to her forehead and try to comfort her the only way she knows how. Yelena leans forward to collapse into Natasha’s arms, Maria’s hand steady on her back to keep her from falling.
“Don’t ever leave me,” Yelena whispers to Natasha. “Okay? You can’t leave me.”
Yelena can’t take any more losses. She just can’t.
“I’m right here,” Natasha promised quietly, pulling Yelena’s head to her shoulder. “Come on. Let’s go back to bed.”
Yelena doesn’t know if her legs will support her, her hands still shaking from the visceral gore of her dreams. Still, she nods her head. She can still hear the sharp voice of “stop crying!” from the guard as she and Natasha are pulled away from each other.
Natasha moves to stand and Yelena clings to her, hoping that her legs won’t give out underneath her. She wasn’t hurt, she could stand perfectly fine. Why won’t her legs work?
Natasha seemed to realize it at the same time, slowly lowering Yelena back down to the ground. Yelena clings to her even more, desperation in her movement as she curls her fingers into Natasha’s shirt. “I can walk.” She promised desperately. “I’m okay. I can walk.”
Nausea rolls around in her stomach, the phantom feeling of blood coating her hands and sticking her clothes to her skin still lingers and Yelena just needs to get back to their bunk.
“What’s wrong?” Maria pipes up. Yelena had nearly forgotten that she was there and pressed her face into the crook of Natasha’s neck in shame and embarrassment.
“Nothing.” Natasha snaps at her slightly before inhaling sharply. “She’s fine.”
Yelena hears Maria near and slowly lower herself down to her knees with them. “I never said she wasn’t.” Maria points out quietly. “I only want to help. What can I do to help?”
Natasha’s heart is racing in her chest, Yelena can hear it. She doesn’t know why her sister is so agitated all of a sudden. Natasha’s hand moves up to cup the back of her neck, giving it a gentle squeeze that tells Yelena to trust her. “Carry her.”
It’s not a question but a statement and Yelena can hear how Maria doesn’t hesitate to reply. “Okay.”
Natasha slowly pulls away, giving the back of Yelena’s neck another squeeze. Maria’s hand rests on Yelena’s shoulder and Yelena peers up at her.
Yelena was not tall or heavy. In fact, she was rather short for her age and thin from all the exercise she did. Still, Natasha could barely carry her like she used to and couldn’t do it over long distances.
“Put your arm around my neck,” Maria tells Yelena softly and Yelena slowly reaches a shaking hand up to hook it around Maria’s neck. She can’t help the small yelp that escapes her lips when Maria lifts her up in one smooth movement. She had only ever been carried when she was in extreme pain or extremely drugged. Other than Ohio, there had been no reason for Yelena to be carried.
“Don’t drop me,” Yelena can’t help but murmur out quietly, tightening her grip on Maria. Her other hand fists the fabric of Maria’s collar.
“I won’t,” Maria said it so surely that Yelena can’t help but believe her. “I’ve got you.”
Natasha reaches out to cup the back of Yelena’s neck to help her relax. Maria carries her out of the gym and down toward their bunk. Yelena slowly rests her head against Maria’s shoulder, unsure if it was okay to do so. When Maria doesn’t mention it, Yelena leans against her a little more.
Natasha follows closely behind, walking beside Maria when the hallway was large enough to do so. She reaches out to reassure Yelena that it was alright, knowing that being carried was unsettling.
Yelena wanted her mama but she doesn’t have her. Instead, she has her big sister and she has Maria.
And at the moment, they’re enough.
“When your sister goes out again, do you want to play some pranks on the agents?” Skye questioned from her spot beside Yelena, watching as the blonde plays on her Game Boy.
Yelena’s character falls from a cliff at Skye’s words, dying as they hit the water. Yelena looks up at Skye sharply. “What?”
Skye blinks at her. “The mission.” She elaborates. “The one coming up in a few days?”
“What mission?” Yelena demanded and Skye shrinks away from her at the raised voice.
“I-- I used my phone to hack into the database--” Skye murmurs and Yelena takes a deep breath to try and calm herself down. “I saw-- I thought-- I’m sorry.”
“I’m not mad at you,” Yelena has to state aloud, not meaning to frighten Skye. “I didn’t know.” She simply said. She wants to go find Natasha and demand to know why she didn’t know that Natasha was leaving again.
But Skye was scared that she had done something wrong and Yelena needs to smooth things over here first before she heads off to find her sister.
“I’m not mad,” Yelena repeats, setting the game down and reaches out toward Skye slowly. “I’ve got your back always.”
Skye was tense under Yelena’s touch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I was only curious--”
“I’m not mad.” Yelena once again echoes and slowly pulls Skye into a hug. “I’m not mad at you. I promise.”
Skye slowly leans against her. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry for yelling,” Yelena never wanted to scare Skye. She didn’t want her friend to be scared of her. “I’m sorry.”
Skye lets out a long sigh. “It’s okay.”
Yelena continues to sit with Skye and they eventually go back to playing games on Yelena’s Game Boy.
Yelena will talk to Natasha later.
Yelena doesn’t get the chance to talk to Natasha until later that night. She tried to stay calm but the anger of not being told that she was going out again seemed to burst forth.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were leaving again?” She demands. Natasha turns to look at her in confusion before recognition sparks in her eyes.
“Who told you?” Natasha doesn’t deny it.
“Does it matter? Were you even gonna tell me or just leave?” Yelena demands. Natasha stands and moves toward her but Yelena rears out of the way of the outstretched hand.
“I was going to tell you,” Natasha tells her. “I wouldn’t just leave without you knowing.”
Yelena folds her arms. “Where are you going?” She orders, still furious at having to find out from Skye.
“Yelena--” Natasha starts and Yelena knows that she’s going to pull the ‘classified’ card.
“Will you at least be able to call?” Yelena huffs, looking away.
“No. It’s a no communication op.” Natasha has regret in her tone. “I’ll only be gone a few days.”
“When are you coming back?” Yelena’s anger is subsiding into hurt and bleeding into abandonment.
Natasha reaches for her again and this time Yelena doesn’t pull away. “As soon as I can. It’s planned for three days to get there, finish, and come back.”
“Three days?” Yelena repeats, leaning her head against Natasha’s collar. “And then you’ll come back? Swear?”
“You know I can’t swear,” Natasha replies quietly, cupping Yelena’s head to her shoulder. Yelena does know that, but some part of her still wants to hear it. “I’ll come back.”
Yelena swallows hard, pressing her head against Natasha’s collar as she curls into her.
Natasha starts to hum Yelena’s favorite song, something she did whenever she didn’t know what to say to comfort Yelena when she was little.
Yelena wants to go too. She wants to be able to head out on missions with her sister. She wants to be able to watch each other's backs.
She knows that Natasha doesn’t want her to be an agent but she does. Yelena wants to help people. She wants to get rid of the red dripping from her ledger and try to make up for all the hurt and harm she’s caused.
Yelena wants to be here with her big sister and she wants to help people. She knows Natasha wants her to go out and live life but she wants to be here.
What life is there to go out and live if she has to leave her sister and her friends behind?