hurt
Bobbi shows back up two days later. In fact, Yelena didn’t even know that Bobbi came back until she was with Skye in the gym, showing her how to throw an actual punch that didn’t break her knuckles, and felt someone watching from the doorway.
Bobbi looked exhausted and slightly beat up but the fact that she still stopped by to see Yelena meant a lot.
“Bobbi!” Yelena crosses the gym quickly, throwing her arms around Bobbi. Bobbi lets out a soft grunt before letting out a laugh.
“Hey kiddo,” Bobbi greets her, giving her a squeeze. “I’ve missed you.”
Yelena takes a moment to reassure herself that Bobbi was alright before pulling away to look at her, casing her injuries. “You’re hurt.”
“It’s nothing,” Bobbi assures her. “What are you guys doing in here?” Bobbi glances at Skye, a frown crossing her face when she sees the ring of healing purple around Skye’s neck. “Ah geez.”
“I’m teaching Skye how to punch,” Yelena replies, following Bobbi’s gaze. “She’s learning to fight back too.”
Bobbi’s face softens and she rests a hand onto Yelena’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you.” She tells her. “You’ve come a long way.”
“Can I walk with you to medical?” Yelena questioned. She had really missed Bobbi and it made her feel better if she could be in medical with Bobbi. “Please?”
Bobbi glances at Skye again. “I dunno. You were busy before I interrupted.”
“We can take a break. I’ll come too,” Skye volunteers, stepping toward them. “I’m stretching muscles I didn’t even know I had!”
Bobbi lets out a chuckle, her hand cradling her side when she does so. “I suppose that answers that question then. C’mon.”
Skye and Yelena walk with Bobbi down to medical. Yelena inhales deeply before crossing the doorway into medical, relieved when Bobbi is paired up with Doctor Thomas Malley.
As Bobbi is being patched up, she asks Yelena about the farm. “Tell me about it.”
Without using names, careful of Thomas Malley and Skye in the room, Yelena proceeds to tell Bobbi all about it.
Bobbi listens, nodding along and asking a few questions.
Yelena then tells Bobbi about May.
The smile on Bobbi’s face falls. “Oh, kiddo.” She murmurs and pats the spot beside her on the bed.
Skye glances between them. “What’s wrong with May teaching me tai-chi?” She asked, moving closer to Yelena.
“May has a thing about ages,” Bobbi tells Skye, wrapping an arm around Yelena’s shoulders. “It’s nothing you’ve done.”
Skye wrinkles her nose, glancing at Yelena. “I didn’t mean to do anything wrong.” She tells Yelena. “Swear.”
“I know.” Yelena says, shaking her head. “You didn’t.”
Yelena just needs to talk with May. Maybe something’s changed or maybe something happened. Yelena wasn’t here, maybe it was okay now?
They give Bobbi some pain medication that makes her tired so Yelena and Skye walk with her back to her bunk. Bobbi grins at Yelena, promising to talk later before she disappears into her bunk to take a nap.
Skye leaves to go take a shower so Yelena decides to hunt down May. It’s not too hard, she has a pretty strict schedule.
Yelena finds her in Coulson’s office with him. She knocks on the door, waiting for Coulson to call her in.
“What can I do for you, Yelena?” Coulson asked, glancing at her.
Yelena glances at May. “Can we talk?” She asked.
“You heard about Skye.” She states, standing from where she was sitting with Coulson.
“Melinda, you don’t have to--” Coulson starts but May holds her hand up to him.
“It’s alright.” May tells him before nodding to Yelena. “Come on. Let’s go.”
Yelena doesn’t know why she expected more of a fight but lets May take the lead. May takes them to the same small gym that they trained in before May dropped her as an SO. May takes a seat on the mats and Yelena hesitates before lowering herself to sit as well, facing May.
“Would you like to start?” May asked her and Yelena swallows hard because she didn’t really prepare anything to say. She should have but at the moment all she had was one question.
“Is there something wrong with me?” Yelena asked. Apparently, May wasn’t expecting that question because the frown on her face deepens.
“No.” She said firmly. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Then why?” Yelena demands, a whine creeping into her tone without her meaning to. She digs her fingers into her thigh to focus on the pain instead of her emotions, allowing her to regain control. “Why her? She’s even younger than me!”
May was quiet for a few moments and Yelena almost things that she has no answer to justify her actions. “She reminds me of you when you first got here.” May finally says. Her answer makes no sense to Yelena. “Do you remember that?”
Of course Yelena does. She was scared of everything and everyone because she didn’t know them. Yelena nods her head.
“You didn’t realize that fighting back and defending yourself was an option. So you let yourself get hurt because you didn’t want to step out of line,” May continues on. “Skye is the same way.”
Skye hadn’t seemed like she was afraid to step out of line to Yelena. In fact, Skye took every chance she could to step out of line, toeing the boundary just to see what would happen.
“So you taught Skye tai-chi because she reminded you of me?” That made no sense to Yelena.
“What was the one thing I taught you. The most important thing?” May asked her.
Yelena has to take a moment to think. Her eyes fall onto the whiteboards still hanging on the wall with her rules on it. “That I have a voice.” She said quietly.
“Skye knows that she has a voice but she doesn’t use it. She will not stop people when they hurt her, just like you did,” May tells Yelena. “She needed to know.”
“So you’re going to teach her and then drop her too?” Yelena demands. Skye didn’t deserve that but at the same time bitter jealousy burned at Yelena.
“I don’t plan to. Phil insists on me getting to know her. He made me her emergency guardian despite my better wishes,” May holds Yelena's stare. “I made a mistake with you, Yelena. I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Stop running away every single time that you see me!” Yelena cries out, digging her nails into her skin. “Every single time we get together or you see me, you run away as soon as you can like-- like I’m some filthy thing. You knew what they did to me!”
“I know some,” May agrees, nodding her head slightly.
“Then why would you do that to me?” Yelena stands, unable to sit still any longer. “The-- the Red Room would do the things that you do.”
May looks bewildered by the statement. “What?”
“I have had many teachers in the Red Room. Some were kinder than others but as soon as I formed any sort of attachment to them, as soon as I learned their rules and how to avoid making them angry, they’d drop me and pass me along like I was worthless!” Yelena paces the room, her jaw clenched. “Nobody stays. Widows don’t get the honor of forming attachments.”
“Yelena, I didn’t mean--” May stands as well.
“You treat me like an object!” Yelena screams, turning to face May. “I am not marble! Not anymore! I am a person!”
May is standing there, taking everything Yelena hurls at her.
“I am a person! I have feelings! You-- you-- you hurt me!” Yelena continues, moving right toward May until she’s staring at her. “What do you have to say to that?”
May holds her angry glare. “I’m sorry.” She said, her voice soft. Yelena doesn’t know what answer she was looking for but May’s apology just made her angry.
“Why aren’t I good enough for you?” Yelena demands, shoving at May. May stumbles back a few feet but doesn’t retaliate. “Why do you treat me like I’m diseased!”
“Back in Bahrain--” May starts and Yelena lunges at her.
“Stop it! Stop using Bahrain as an excuse!” Yelena flips May down onto the mats, pinning her down. She stares down at her, her chest heaving. “The Red Room taught me how to be a killer. Back in the Red Room, they taught me how to kill girls right where you are. I don’t do it! I won’t kill you!”
“I’m trying, Yelena!” May finally raised her voice. “I’m trying to work through things.”
“No!” Yelena grabs at May’s hands when she raised them, pinning them down. “If you were trying then you could be in the same room as me. We don’t have to talk. You don’t have to like me. But--”
The door to the room opens and two arms slide around Yelena, hauling her up. Yelena’s immediate instinct has her flipping them down. It’s not until she’s looking down at the face of Coulson that she realizes his blood is on her fingers from where she broke his skin with her nails.
Yelena didn’t mean for things to go so far. She didn’t want to hurt them.
Yelena immediately gets off of him, stumbling backward toward the door. “Yelena--” Coulson starts but Yelena turns away from him.
She leaves the gym quickly. How was she any better than any other Widow.
Destroy, hurt, kill.
That’s all Widows were good for.
Why is it so hard for her to be good?
It’s not until she’s squeezed herself into the corner of the empty office, Goose nuzzled against her chest, that she thinks that maybe the Red Room didn’t stitch those parts of her back on when they broke her down and then built her back up again. They messed with her mind, who is to say they didn’t take away her ability to be a good person.
Hurt, hurt, hurt.
That’s what she was programmed to do. That’s what she is good at.
If she can’t be good, SHIELD will get rid of her.
She doesn’t wanna go.