bad
Yelena doesn’t know how long she stays curled up in the corner, sorting out the intense emotions in her mind. The reassuring weight of Goose on her chest does help and Goose licks her face each time her thoughts grow too dark.
The person who finds her is Maria. “Thought I’d find you here.” She said, crossing the room. Yelena pushed herself further into the corner, curling up into a tighter ball as Maria shifted to take a seat next to her. “Phil told me you were fighting Melinda.”
“I’m sorry.” Yelena said quietly, focusing on stroking Goose’s fur.
“I know you are. Do you think we can talk about why you were fighting in the first place?” Maria asked her. Yelena was quiet, Goose butting their nose against her cheek. “Would it help if I asked you a question first?”
Yelena thinks about it before shrugging slightly. She doesn’t know if that would help but it would give her a better understanding of which part Maria wanted to be explained.
“Were you talking to Melinda about her and Skye?” Maria asked. Yelena nods her head, moving her fingers to scratch under Goose’s chin. “And you got upset?” Once again, Yelena nods her head. “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me?”
Yelena thinks for a few moments, aware that Maria is waiting for her, close enough that Yelena can feel the warmth radiating off of her. “Do you think I’m a bad person?” She can’t help but blurt out.
Maria pinches her lips, raising an eyebrow. “What makes you ask that?” She questioned.
Yelena sucks in a breath of air, glancing away from Maria to stare at the wall. “I dunno… do you?”
“When it comes down to it, no. I don’t,” Maria says before reaching out and resting a hand onto Yelena’s shoulder. “Can you answer me this? What makes a person bad?”
Yelena would lean away from the touch but she’s already squished herself into the corner and has nowhere to go. “They hurt people.” She said quietly.
“Okay. What makes a person good, then?” Maria inquired. Her line of questioning doesn’t make any sense to Yelena.
Yelena shrugs slightly. “They… help people?” She knows that Maria is good. Bobbi is good. Clint is good.
“So good people can’t hurt others?” Maria asked and Yelena supposed so. She nods her head. “Who do you think is a good person?”
“Bobbi is,” Yelena glances back at Maria. “Bobbi’s a good person.”
“And you think that Bobbi has never ever hurt another person?” Maria questioned. It feels like a trick but Yelena slowly nods her head. “Do you think Bobbi has never killed anybody?”
Yelena’s never really thought about it before. Has Bobbi killed people? “I don’t know.”
“Bobbi has. She’s killed people before. She’s an agent and she’s had to make hard calls. Bobbi has hurt people. She’s killed them. Is she a bad person?” Maria holds Yelena’s stare.
“No. Bobbi is good,” Yelena insists, twisting slightly to face Maria. “Bobbi is a good person.”
“Okay. And… Melinda. Do you think Melinda is a bad person?” Maria treads carefully and Yelena knows when she’s being led on but answers anyway.
“No.” She shakes her head.
“Melinda’s hurt you. But she’s not a bad person?” Maria isn’t trying to convince her that they’re bad but Yelena doesn’t really know what point she is trying to make.
“She’s not bad. She’s good. I’m bad,” Yelena explains.
“You are not bad,” Maria said firmly, gripping Yelena’s shoulder. “Do you understand that? You are not a bad person, Yelena. Bad people can do good things and good people can do bad things. Good people can hurt others and still be good. Bad people can help others and still be bad.”
“Then what makes someone bad?” Yelena questioned, uncurling slightly to peek up at Maria.
“Intention.” Maria said simply. Upon Yelena’s slightly confused stare, she elaborates. “You are a good person, Yelena. You’re trying to be better, you’re intending to help people and do good. You make mistakes and you’re learning but that doesn’t make you bad. You are not defined by your past.”
“I was named the best child assassin there is,” Yelena admits, combing her fingers through Goose’s fur. “I have killed many. They heard my name whispered, how I caused bloodshed and left no witnesses behind. Meeting me guaranteed your death. I was something to be feared.”
“We are not defined by our past. People change,” Maria tucks a strand of Yelena’s hair behind her ear. “Do you want to hear something nobody but the Director knows?”
Yelena cautiously nods, intrigued.
“My father was not a good man. My mother died in childbirth and he blamed me for it. I grew up thinking that using my fists was a good way to solve problems and I got into a lot of fights at school,” Maria tells her, her voice low and soft as she reminisced. “One day I went too far. I sent a boy to the hospital and got suspended. That was the last straw for my father and he kicked me out. I was homeless for a little bit before joining the army.”
Yelena doesn’t understand why Maria was telling her this. Still, she listens.
“For the longest time, I was afraid of turning into my father,” Maria’s fingers move to gently brace the back of Yelena’s neck. “I thought that since he taught me how to hurt people that I was going to be exactly like him.”
“But you’re good,” Yelena protests quietly and Maria gives her a small smile.
“I certainly try. So I’ve done bad things, I’ve hurt people. But it’s all about my intentions. My past doesn’t define who I am and yours doesn’t either,” Maria squeezed the back of Yelena’s neck gently. “Do you understand?”
“I think so,” Yelena said, shifting a little closer to Maria. Maria lets her lean against her, adjusting her arm over Yelena’s shoulder to tug her against her side. “I feel like a bad person sometimes. I hurt people and I don’t mean to.”
“Does Natasha know you feel like this?” Maria asked and Yelena shakes her head. “You’re not a bad person, Yelena. I promise you.”
“Okay,” Yelena doesn’t really know how else to respond to Maria. “I wanna be good.”
“You are good,” Maria promised, moving her hand to comb through Yelena’s hair. “I’m really glad to have met you, Yelena.”
Goose eventually lets out a chirp and hops out of Yelena’s chest to go… somewhere else. Yelena figures that they’re going to find Fury or go do whatever cats do.
Yelena continues to sit with Maria until Natasha finds them, immediately moving to crouch in front of Yelena. “That fucking bitch, I am going to kill her--” Natasha starts with a low hiss in Arabic, reaching out to grab Yelena’s face and look her over for injuries.
Yelena lets her. “I’m okay.” Yelena murmurs back to her. “What did you hear?”
“Just that you fought May and Coulson!” Natasha leans back. “What did they do?”
It’s the fact that Natasha doesn’t ask what Yelena did, taking her side, that makes Yelena feel better. “I just got mad.” She replies. Maria scoots over to make room for Natasha who doesn’t hesitate to sit between them, wrapping her arm around Yelena.
Yelena leans into her big sister, finally relaxing. Natasha runs her hand over Yelena’s hair, unafraid to show affection to her in front of Maria.
“Maria?” Yelena finally pipes up and Maria lets out a hum, leaning forward to peer around Natasha to look at her. “Am I in trouble for fighting?”
“Did you mean to hurt Phil?” Maria questioned and Yelena shakes her head. The whole thing happened so fast and she hadn’t been able to stop herself in time. “What do I say about punishing things like that?”
Yelena thinks back to when she stayed with Maria. “You don’t punish ‘trauma responses’.” Yelena quotes and Maria nods. “So I’m not in trouble?”
“No. But I would like you to apologize to Phil for hurting him,” Maria says. Natasha glances at her, her mouth opened to protest.
“If he didn’t grab her then she wouldn’t have hurt him,” Natasha defends Yelena, pulling her closer protectively.
“And he’ll apologize for that too. He should have known better than to grab you,” Maria tells Natasha, her voice softening. “I’m not punishing your sister unfairly, Natasha.”
Yelena notices the way Natasha slowly untenses at Maria’s tone. Maria was really good at calming people down.
“Do I have to apologize right now?” Yelena can’t help but question. She doesn’t want to leave the corner right now. It’s safe and her big sister is here. Nothing can hurt her.
“No. We can stay here for a little bit longer,” Maria says.
“We?” Natasha echoes, raising an eyebrow at Maria. “Don’t you have work to do?”
“I finished up what needed to be done immediately before coming here. Barring an emergency, I have nowhere to be for a little while,” Maria tells them and Yelena feels slightly special that Maria made sure she didn’t have to just leave as soon as she was done. “Or if you want me to, I can leave.”
“No--” Natasha interrupts before composing herself. “I mean if you have nowhere else to be, why not stay?”
Maria smiles at her, leaning back against the wall. Yelena glances between them staring at each other like one of those stupid love-sick wives of the politicians that Yelena has assassinated.
Yelena glances down, analysing their body language. They’re turned toward each other slightly, showing interest. They’re still fucking staring at each other!
So Yelena tests something and lets out a long sigh. Immediately, they break eye contact and two heads snap toward her. “I wonder where Goose went.” Yelena comments, brushing orange fur off of her shirt.
“Probably to go sit on the Directors paperwork,” Maria replies, cheeks tinged pink at being caught staring. Natasha glances away, staring down at Yelena instead, and focuses on combing her fingers through her hair rather than Yelena catching her off guard.
It wasn’t too long ago when Yelena kept trying to interrogate Natasha about Maria who assumed that all the questions meant Maria was hurting her. Yelena knew that there was something odd between them but she couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was.
Maybe she’s tired. Maybe she’s just seeing things. Maybe she forgot how to read body languages.
Because there is no way that her big sister and the Deputy Director of SHIELD like each other as more than friends.
… right?