cruel
Yelena doesn’t really remember much after she steps out of their bunk. She usually would never have dared to step out in such a vulnerable position but she knows that her sister has her back and would get her to Maria.
In fact, she really doesn’t come back to the present until Maria is standing there in front of her, peering down at her with concern as she repeatedly called her name.
Yelena peers up at Maria, taking in her unbloodied form. Yelena reaches her right hand out, hesitating before gently pressing it against Maria’s chest. Maria doesn’t stop her, letting Yelena feel her heartbeat under her uniform.
“I’m sorry,” Yelena murmurs, focusing on the soft thrumming of Maria’s heart under her hand.
Maria rests a hand over Yelena’s hand but she doesn’t shove it away, merely resting her palm over Yelena’s hand. “For what?” She asked, her tone soft. It’s such a stark difference between the Maria from Yelena’s dreams.
“For being a monster,” Yelena whispers, tears welling up in her eyes. She clenches her jaw, fighting to keep them at bay as she stares at Maria’s hand.
She doesn’t expect Maria to grip her chin and pull her head up. “Look at me.” Maria said firmly and Yelena can’t help but peer up at her. “You are not a monster. Don’t you say that.”
Yelena inhales sharply in a desperate attempt to stop the tears from falling, failing as the first tear rolls down her cheek and drips off her jaw.
Maria’s hand slowly trails to cup the back of Yelena’s neck before pulling her forward into a hug. More tears start to fall as Yelena stifles a sob because Maria’s touch is kind and after the night terror she had, she doesn’t feel like she deserves it. “I’m sorry.” She repeats.
“Shh, it’s alright,” Maria murmurs, guiding Yelena’s head to rest against her collar. “I’ve got you. Natalia is here too. You’re okay.”
“Nattie--” Yelena holds one of her hands out, feeling Natasha slip her hand into it and squeeze slightly. It’s so much kind touch but Yelena still feels miserable. “I’m sorry. “She can’t stop apologizing.
“Come here,” Maria tells her and Yelena feels Maria slowly move toward the right. She hadn’t even realized that they were in Maria’s office until her leg bumps the couch tucked away in the corner. “Natalia, sit down.”
Yelena’s surprised when Maria guides her to sit and then pushes her legs up into Natasha’s lap before taking a seat on the other side and tugging Yelena’s upper half against her.
“You’re safe,” Maria tells her. “Everything is okay. I am alive. You are alive. Natalia is alive.”
Yelena tries to cling to the words and hopes that they bring comfort to her but she just can’t help but get stuck on the words playing in her dream. The Widow she killed had never done anything but quietly accept death before. Never had it been Maria and never had they spoken so coldly.
“Shall we talk about why you think you’re a monster?” Maria asked, her fingers gently brushing against the nape of Yelena’s neck. The feeling is comforting despite Yelena once flinching under Maria doing the same thing long ago. “Yelena?” She prompts.
“I--” Yelena chews on her lower lip harshly for a few moments, unable to look Maria in her eyes. “You said it. In my dream. Then you died.”
“Ah,” Maria hums out, pulling Yelena’s head against her shoulder again, not caring that Yelena was getting tears on her uniform. “Dreams can be very nice but they can also play on our fears and insecurities. I don’t think that, Yelena. I never have. You are not a monster.”
Yelena’s quiet for a few moments, trying to commit Maria’s words to memory.
“Ask me a question,” Maria prompts. Yelena glances up at her in surprise because Natasha was sitting there now and had not been there when they played this game before. “Same rules.”
“Nattie said you were disheveled earlier. Why?” Yelena questioned, hoping that she wasn’t going to make Maria uncomfortable.
“Uh, I lost a bet with Phil. I had to fly out to pick up dinner for him. I missed a deadline for a report doing it,” Maria replies. “Can I ask you one?”
Yelena nods her head. An answer for an answer seemed fair enough.
“What makes a person a monster?” Maria questioned her. Her question surprises Yelena, the girl had never really thought about it before.
Over and over she had been told that she was a monster. Widows were monsters. But what makes a monster, a monster?
She thinks of General Dreykov. She thinks of the soldiers and of the Madames. “They… they like hurting people.” Yelena replies quietly, feeling Natasha squeeze her calf and reminding her that she was there and that everything was okay. “My turn?” She inquired and Maria nods her head. “What was the bet about?”
“Uh, it was bet about complaining,” Maria explains. “Between me and Phil.”
“Complaining about what?” Yelena frowns slightly because that seems like an easy bet to lose.
“People,” Maria said. “I made fun of his capabilities of looking after a teenager. So he challenged me to a bet.”
“Why did you lose?” Yelena then asked but was interrupted by Maria shaking her head. For a brief moment, she was worried that she had pushed too far.
“My turn,” Maria tells Yelena. The girl quiets down, waiting for the question. “Do you like hurting people?”
Yelena could feel Natasha jerk at the question, angry at the audacity that Maria had for even asking it in the first place. “No.” Yelena said quietly. “I hated it.” She reaches out to grasp Natasha’s hand, unsure if she was trying to comfort her or sought comfort. “It was me or them.” The pathetic excuse she clung to for years leaves her lips. “I hurt a lot of people…”
“What if Bobbi was here right now? What if she told you all the things that you just told me? What would you say to her?” Maria inquired softly.
Yelena thinks Bobbi carrying the same guilt she did, weighed down by the decisions of her past and the choices she had to make. “You were surviving. It… was cruel… and it was wrong. You’re not-- you’re not bad.”
“And if I told you those things?” Maria runs a hand over Yelena’s hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. “You were surviving, Yelena. What happened was cruel and it was wrong. You’re not bad.”
Fresh tears spring to Yelena’s eyes at the statements. “But--”
“Why would Bobbi be granted understanding but not you?” Maria interrupts her, not letting her protest. “Why would you give Bobbi the kindness that you won’t grant yourself?”
“I don’t know.” Yelena doesn’t have an answer for Maria. She reaches up to cover her face, ashamed of how many tears she was shedding. “I’m sorry.”
“Learning to forgive yourself is a really hard thing to do,” Maria tells her, pulling her back to lay against her. “Do you remember when I told you about my trigger? Wet sand? How you asked if I had ever watched anyone I loved die?”
Yelena’s startled at her question. Natasha is right next to them, she can hear every word. Still, Yelena nods.
“Back when I was in the army, I… I led my troop into a trap,” Maria starts. Yelena can hear her heart rate pick up from where her head was resting against Maria’s collar. “I was the only one that made it out alive. I blamed myself. If I had been faster, or stronger, or just stopped to think for a moment then maybe they’d still be here…”
“Why are you telling me this?” Yelena asked quietly, afraid of overstepping.
“Because I know that forgiving yourself is hard,” Maria tells her, the grip she had on Yelena tightening briefly as she lowers her voice. “But it’s possible. What happened to you, what you were forced to do, it was cruel and it was wrong.”
“It was cruel and it was wrong,” Yelena repeats quietly.
Maria looks over at Natasha, who had been silently observing the whole conversation. At the unspoken prompting, Natasha spoke. “It was cruel and it was wrong.”
Maria nods her head approvingly. “It was cruel and it was wrong.” She echoes. “You two are not monsters. Do you understand me?”
Yelena thinks so but her hesitation makes Maria let out a small sigh.
“That’s okay. We’ll get there,” She said softly. She said it so sincerely that Yelena can’t help but believe her.
“Is this okay?” Yelena finds herself blurting, lost in the moment for so long and seeking out the childish need for comfort that she had forgotten that Maria was Commander Hill, Deputy Director of SHIELD and probably had a hundred things more important than Yelena. “I can go.”
“Don’t be foolish,” Maria shakes her head, her grip on Yelena tightening to prevent her from bolting. “You’re okay right here. I don’t mind at all.”
“You said you missed paperwork. You should--” Guilt hits Yelena at the thought that she was so selfishly needy to keep Maria from doing her job.
“Shh,” It’s Maria kissing the top of her head that makes Yelena freeze because it felt so nice. “Relax. It’s okay, Yelena. I’ve got you.”
Yelena settles back against Maria, focusing on the sound of her heartbeat underneath her ear. Natasha’s hand rubs her legs, reminding her that she had her too.
Yelena wishes she had this in the Red Room. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel tethered to the ghosts of those she had once trained alongside.
It was cruel and it was wrong.
It was cruel and it was wrong.