never free
Yelena immediately shuts down when Natalia brings the subjects up to her. She’s tired of having people root around in her mind.
Natalia makes it clear that it’s not a choice but that she’d go first.
“I don’t want SHIELD in our heads,” Yelena grumbles, folding her arms. “I don’t want this.”
“I know,” Natalia lets out a long exhale, sitting next to Yelena. “I don’t want this either. But’s not a choice and I’ll be there with you for yours the whole time.”
Yelena frowns. “What about me at yours?” She questioned, peering up at Natalia.
Natalia was quiet for a few moments before shaking her head. “I don’t want you there.”
Yelena knows that they’ve been keeping the worst parts of each other tucked away but she doesn’t understand why Natalia wouldn’t want her there. “What if they hurt you on accident? Or trigger some part of you that makes you cold and obedient?”
Yelena knows that Natalia is uncertain about that as well.
“I’ll be just fine,” Natalia reassures Yelena, bumping their shoulders together.
“What if--” Yelena paused in her question, wondering if she really was going to ask before finishing. “What if I want to go first?”
Natalia frowns. “Do you want to go first?”
While Yelena didn’t want them rooting around in her head, she knew just how nervous Natalia was. She worried about things going wrong and not being able to help Yelena when it was her turn.
“Yes.” Yelena replies and Natalia eyes her for a few moments before sighing.
“You don’t have to…” Natalia said quietly.
“I know,” Yelena said and is drawn into a tight hug.
“Thank you,” Natalia murmurs. “It’ll be okay.”
Yelena worried the rest of the time there. The scientists seemed to pick up on her nervousness and would try to distract her.
The Helicarrier was back up in the sky that weekend. Yelena and Natalia were one of the first to board with Clint so that they could avoid the crowds.
Yelena curled up in their bunk with Natalia, not feeling well at the prospect of the upcoming deprogramming. Natalia lay with her, holding her close and whispering promises to her. Yelena listens as Natalia promises to be there and keep her safe.
Their second day back up in the air is when Maria knocks on their door.
“Yelena’s going first,” Natalia informs her, and Maria glances at Yelena.
“I would have thought you’d go first,” Maria comments, looking back up at Natalia. “I’ll get Bobbi.”
Yelena peers up at Maria in confusion but says nothing, quietly following Maria.
The room that they end up in has a chair with restraints on it. Yelena knows that it is so she doesn’t hurt anybody but her heart still hammers in her chest at the sight of it. Yelena falters in the doorway, feeling Natalia’s arms wrap around her.
Yelena can tell by the way Natalia grips her that she wasn’t expecting the chair either.
The two sisters stand by the door as a few doctors get set up until Maria returns with Bobbi.
Yelena walks forward on unsteady legs when Maria prompts her to do so. She’d been strapped in a similar chair back in the Red Room. Yelena can’t stop the shaking of her hands when she slowly sits back in the chair.
Her eyes seek out Natalia when the first strap is secured over her right wrist. Natalia was tense, like a coiled spring ready to bolt forward. Maria was standing next to Natalia, a hand on her shoulder to keep her from interfering.
Bobbi steps forward when Yelena flinches away from the strap they try to secure on her head.
“I can’t imagine how frightening this must be for you,” Bobbi murmurs softly to Yelena, her hand reaching up to gently tilt Yelena’s head into place.
“I don’t want to do this…” Yelena whispers, already regretting her decision to go first. She squeezed her eyes shut as Bobbi slides the last restraint into place, securing the strap over Yelena’s forehead.
“We’re right here. We won’t let anything hurt you, kiddo,” Bobbi promised, her hand leaving Yelena’s face.
Yelena’s unable to move more than a small wiggle in the chair and that fact makes her panic slightly. She forces her eyes open, trying to get a glimpse of Natalia off to the side as she focuses on her breathing.
“Ready to begin,” One of the doctors informs Maria.
“Begin.” Maria comments and Yelena watches as a projection of a black and white swirl is flashed onto the wall in front of her.
“Focus on the center of the swirl,” One of the doctors instructs. “And count backward from ten.”
It takes a few moments before Yelena forces herself to peer at the center of the swirl and started to count backward slowly.
She barely remembers what happens next. Her head pounds and she’s drowning in memories.
Yelling. Pleading. Sobbing. Blood.
So much blood.
Yelena still isn’t quite lucid when the projection in front of her is shut off. She feels like her body was stuck in a blender. The forehead strap is the first to go and Yelena’s head pitched forward when there’s nothing holding it up.
Yelena’s chest is heaving and her mouth is dry when a soft pair of hands cup her face and tug it up. She’s left looking at Bobbi’s face, the older woman looking shaken up.
“All done?” Yelena’s voice is hoarse when she speaks.
“For today,” Bobbi nods her head, catching Yelena when the rest of the restraints are undone. “I’ve got you, kiddo.”
Yelena’s eyes scan the room. “Where Nattie?” She whispers. Her whole body feels like lead and her head is pounding.
“She had to step out of the room fifteen minutes ago,” Bobbi said. “You were screaming.”
Yelena frowns slightly because she didn’t remember screaming. “Oh…” She focuses on trying to stand but her legs give way underneath her. She clings to Bobbi as the woman catches her before she falls. “My body won’t work right…”
“I know,” Bobbi moves to scoop Yelena up the same way she did when Yelena was sick. “It’ll pass.”
Yelena slowly wraps her arms around Bobbi’s neck, resting her pounding head against Bobbi’s shoulder. “I want my sister.”
Bobbi carries her toward the door and one of the doctors holds it open for her. “I know. We’ll find her right now.”
Yelena is too tired to be on edge and constantly scoping exits and people. She closed her eyes, resting her head as she tries to relax.
“Natalia!” Bobbi calls out and there was a shuffling noise before there are hands touching Yelena. Yelena jerks at the touch before she realizes that it’s only her sister.
When Yelena peels her eyes open to look down at Natalia, not expecting the distress Natalia carried in her frame. Bobbi passes Yelena to Natalia.
Yelena manages to wrap her arms and legs around Natalia like a koala. “Hi…” She mumbles into Natalia’s shoulder
“Hi,” Natalia replies back, holding her close.
The two of them head back to their bunk. Natalia won’t tell Yelena what happened during her session that caused everyone to look upset.
Yelena sleeps the rest of the day. She wakes up a few times to Natalia lost in her thoughts.
The next day, Yelena is put back in the chair again.
This continues for the next week until Yelena becomes lucid during a memory the leaves her screaming. One of the doctors are talking to her but Yelena can’t hear her over the screaming.
Yelena can’t move. She can’t move and they’re going to hurt her. She’s having a hard time distinguishing what is real and what isn’t. “Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Let me go! I’ll be good! I’ll be good!”
One of the doctors tries to press their fingers to the pulse point on Yelena’s wrist but Yelena yanks as hard as she can to try and pull her wrist away.
“Don’t touch me! I’ll be good! I’ll be his good little girl!” Yelena doesn’t know where the General is but she knows that he’s watching. That he’s going to hurt her. “Please! I’ll be good!”
Yelena can’t listen. The screen in front of her hurts her eyes and Yelena doesn’t know what the Red Room is doing.
Then a familiar face moves into frame and Yelena goes quiet, staring up at what is sure to be a photostatic veil.
“I won’t break! You can tell the General I’ll be good! Please!” Yelena yells at the soldier wearing her sister’s face.
“You’re safe,” The soldier tells her and Yelena shakes her head the best she can under the restraints.
“Never safe--” She chokes out, flinching when the soldier reaches out to undo the strap on her head. “I’ll be good. I’ll be good for him. I’ll show him I can be good.”
The soldier undoes the rest of her restraints and Yelena shoves herself out of the chair and onto her knees.
She’ll prove she can be good. She’ll prove that she’s a good little soldier.
Yelena shuffles forward on her knees to grip the pants of the soldier wearing her sister’s face. “Thank you. I’ll show him. I can be good--” Yelena moves to show just how good and obedient she can be, kissing the thigh of the soldier.
The soldier jerks as Yelena’s fingers move toward the waistband of their pants. The soldier slaps Yelena’s hands away and the doctors in the room shuffle around and Yelena doesn’t know what they want.
She doesn’t know how to prove she’ll be good.
The soldier drops to their knees in front of Yelena and then reaches out to grab the back of Yelena’s neck.
Yelena immediately stops her ministrations, bowing her head submissively at the touch. She expects to find the soldier pulling her clothes off instead of the other way around.
Instead, the soldier pulls Yelena close, wrapping their arms and legs around her. “That’s enough.” The soldier said.
Yelena jerks at those words. “No! I’ll be good!” She twists but the soldier has a good grip on her. “I’ll be good! I’m a good Widow! I’m a good girl!”
The soldier holds Yelena tightly as she squirms and pleads for another chance.
“That is enough,” The soldier finally says sharply and Yelena falls silent. “No more.”
“I’m good. I’m useful. Let me show you. I can show you. I’m yours to use how you like--” Yelena continues.
“That’s enough.” The soldier holding Yelena continues much softer. “You’re not in the Red Room, Yelena. You’re free.”
Yelena shakes her head at such a silly notion. “You’re never free of the Red Room.” She informs the soldier. “I am the General’s good little girl and I always will be.”
The soldier wearing her sister’s face pulls Yelena closer.