cannon fodder
Natalia had been good and followed each and every rule and guideline set up for her barring the incident when Yelena got ill.
She had been well behaved and the picture-perfect agent.
Until her latest mission. She laid her eyes on a man and a memory hits her hard of what her little sister had confessed part of what was done to her.
Natalia derails from the mission and kills him violently and bloody. She takes care to not get any blood on herself.
She doesn’t even realize that Black Widow was triggered until she hears Yelena’s voice trying to coax her to calm back down.
Yelena takes care of her when she arrives back. Yelena washes her face and checks her over for injuries before changing her and settling her down.
Natalia wakes up with night terrors. Yelena had fallen asleep straddling her so neither of them get hurt when Natalia squirms around in the throes of a night terror.
Yelena doesn’t care how sleepy she is, she stays up with Natalia, clinging to her like a koala as she murmurs on and on about an obstacle course Bobbi had her run.
It’s grounding and keeps Natalia calm and in the present.
Yelena is clingy in the morning but Natalia knows it is more out of concern for her than it is for Yelena’s own needs. Natalia needs to hold her sister close because seeing that man the previous day made Natalia’s instincts go haywire.
Seeing Yelena give her a tiny grin at breakfast eases some of the barbed wire wrapped around her heart.
Then she’s informed that she’s expected in Maria’s office after breakfast for debriefing.
Natalia knows that she’s going to get a dressing-down. Yelena’s hand slithers into Natalia's under the table, giving her hand a small squeeze.
Natalia leaves Yelena with Clint. She trusts Clint to keep her sister safe, something that she needs to know to soothe her mind at the moment.
Maria is waiting for Natalia when she arrives, motioning for Natalia to take a seat in front of her. “Please, sit Agent Romanov.”
Natalia takes a breath at the formal title, taking a seat gracefully.
“We need to speak about what happened on your last mission,” Maria spoke, sitting up in her chair. “You went AWOL for a few moments, abandoning your communication devices and became a threat not only to others but to yourself.”
Natalia takes a few moments. “Are you upset that I killed him?”
“While I’m not pleased, I’m not upset with you provided you had a very good reason to kill him and didn’t just decide to snap and kill a random man,” Maria replies, tilting her head to the side. “So. Is there a good reason?”
Natalia takes a moment to debate about her answer. Finally, she replies. “He is from the Red Room.”
Maria waits and Natalia realizes that Maria is expecting her to elaborate. “And he hurt you?” Maria prompts.
Natalia shakes her head. “No-- no he’s barely glanced at me.”
Maria arched an eyebrow. “You killed cannon fodder?”
Natalia clenches her jaw. “No! He was a horrible person who deserved a horrible death. I wish I had more time with him.”
“But he never did anything to you?” Maria questioned. “You just decided to kill him because all Red Room agents are scum?”
Natalia knows that Maria is judging her. She jumped to her feet, slamming her hands down on the desk as the words leave her lips faster than she can stop them. “I killed him because he raped Yelena!”
Maria recoils at the sharp tone, her face shifting from being ‘Commander Hill’ into ‘Maria’. “Okay.” She said, her tone softer. “Okay. I believe you.”
Natalia stares down at Maria, her chest heaving from the emotions weighing down on her frame. Slowly, Natalia pulled her hands away and backed up to retake her seat.
Hearing Maria say that she believed her uncoiled something in her chest. She didn’t even think that Maria could have accused her of lying.
“I don’t regret it. I’d do it again,” Natalia informs Maria truthfully. “So give me whatever punishment you wish but I will not apologize.”
Maria leans back in her chair. “How old was she?” She questioned quietly.
Natalia swallows hard. “Which time?” She retorts just as quietly and Maria’s jaw clenched as she grits her teeth.
“The first time?” Maria manages to get out and Natalia shrugs. Yelena had never said how old she was the first time they taught her about using her body for seduction.
Maria busies herself straightening papers on her desk to give her hands something to do as she processes the new information. “And you?”
Natalia takes a painfully long time to answer. Maria holds strong, waiting for her answer.
Testing the waters, Natalia finally replies. “I don’t want to answer that.”
Maria’s lips thin at the answer but she nods, accepting the reply, and doesn’t push. “When you got triggered, you didn’t recognize any member of your team. You only became coherent enough to reply when you heard Yelena.”
“Yes.” Natalia inclines her head.
“The next step in your deflection to SHIELD is going through deprogramming,” Maria tells Natalia. The redhead freezes before forcing herself to untense. “And psychological assessments. You and Yelena will be put into SHIELD mandated therapy.”
“What will this exactly detail?” Natalia doesn’t immediately shut her down. She’s not in a position to be making demands.
“Do you promise to listen to everything before demanding that we leave Yelena alone?” Maria questioned and Natalia gives a curt nod. Maria pulls out a file from the stack of papers she straightened. “Deprogramming will be going into your head to target triggers and mental conditioning that was ingrained over your years in the Red Room.”
Maria slides the folder across her desk to Natalia. Natalia picks it up, flicking the file open to look down at consent forms.
“Psychological assessments will be to assess your mental states. You’ll be given tests to complete. Nothing physical,” Maria assured Natalia. “And therapy will be once a week to work through the trauma you and your sister have been put through.”
“Yelena won’t agree,” Natalia points out. Yelena was still upset about being sedated in medical. She’d never agree to this. Yelena was trained differently than Natalia. Natalia still didn’t know everything that was done to her sister, only that her sister’s triggers and mental conditioning was different than hers.
“You’re her guardian in the eyes of SHIELD,” Maria leans forward. “You can agree. Not that you’d do that. I can find some pamphlets or something you so can sit down and speak with her about this. But keep this in mind, this is not optional. This is the next step.”
“Did you take a psychological assessment and go to therapy when you first started?” Natalia feels uneasy about the whole thing.
Maria nods her head. “They plucked me straight from the army. I… wasn’t in the best mental state.” Maria admits, startling Natalia with the tidbit of information she let slip. “I go to therapy every other week now.”
“How does SHIELD plan on deprogramming?” Natalia inquired, a pit forming in her stomach at the slight grimace on Maria’s face.
“We’ll be diving into your memories, putting you through hypnosis and finding and targeting triggers. It… won’t feel good. You’ll be left tired and very emotional,” Maria doesn’t leave anything out, something that Natalia appreciates about the woman. “It will be draining so while you go through deprogramming, you’ll be on paid leave.”
“Will you do both of us at the same time?” Natalia asked quietly.
Maria lets out a small laugh. “That would spell disaster.” She said. “No. You’ll go one at a time.”
“I want to be there the whole time for Yelena’s,” Natalia said. “That’s not optional.”
Maria pursed her lips in thought. “I’ll see what I can do. You need to be able to let the doctors work. Will you be able to stand back and watch when your sister gets emotionally distressed?”
“I’ll do what I have to to be with her,” Natalia said quietly. “I want Agent Morse there as well.”
“For you or Yelena?” Maria asked.
“Yelena. Yelena trusts her. If… if I cannot handle myself then there will be someone Yelena trusts there,” Natalia explained.
“If Bobbi’s with Yelena then who do you want?” Maria spoke and Natalia tries to keep the surprise out of her face.
“I’ll be fine,” Natalia shakes her head. “I don’t need anyone.”
“Yelena doesn’t need anyone either. But it’s nice to have someone you trust there. I know you said you trust no one but Yelena but is there someone else that you will recognize and trust to ground you?” Maria taps her fingers on her desk, waiting for Natalia’s answer.
“Clint, I suppose,” Natalia takes a moment. “And if he needs to step out of the room because he’d too close to the situation then… you.”
Maria doesn’t bother to conceal the surprise on her face. “Me?” She repeats.
“The only thing you have done wrong by me is threatening to take my sister away. But never once have you used your position of authority to hurt me. I trust that if you need to then you will stop the procedure,” Natalia explained.
Maria inclines her head. “Very well. I appreciate the faith that you’re putting in me.”
“Don’t make me regret it,” Natalia spoke. She really didn’t want to make a mistake. She was putting a lot of trust in Maria after the commander had threatened to break their deal.
But she didn’t, in the end. She apologized to Natalia for her actions and swore to do better going forward.
“I won’t,” Maria swore before straightening. “You have two days to get Yelena to understand and accept what is going to happen. We’ll start when we’re back in the sky this weekend. If you have questions or concerns then you come to me.”
“Thank you, Commander,” Natalia said. “Regarding the original issue that you called me in for--”
“You’re not being punished for his death. However, you will be expected to report to Coulson with a report on why we do not abandon our communication devices in the field and the importance of communication in the field,” Maria states, sitting back in her chair. “Do you understand?”
Back in place of Maria was Commander Hill. Natalia nods her head. “Yes ma’am.”
“Good. If you have no further questions or concerns then you are dismissed,” Maria spoke, giving Natalia a few moments to address any issues she had.
“Thank you, Commander,” Natalia knew that Maria could have easily punished her heavily for breaking the rules. Abandoning her earpiece. Going off the books. Killing that scum.
Instead, Maria recognized that Natalia didn’t need a commander and needed the gentler person underneath. She reassured Natalia that she had believed her and listened to what Natalia had to say.
Maria was nothing like any female superior she’d ever had before.
She was so much better than them.