Winter Soldier
It’s a nice day, maybe too nice. He should’ve known something was bound to happen when his day was a little too good to be true.
Bucky had actually gotten more than 3 hours of sleep for once, waking up around 10am with no horrible nightmares but instead sunlight streaming through his window. He gets up, making his usual cup of coffee and scarfing down some cereal with a colorful bird on the box before deciding to take a walk.
No one looks at him weird and if they do, he doesn’t notice it today. The sky is clear, it’s not too hot outside, someone bumps into him and actually apologizes instead of giving him a sneer. Then again he suspects they might be a tourist.
This might be the part where his day starts to go sour but surprisingly, he doesn’t think so. He’s staring straight ahead when he sees a shadow across the sidewalk, a little noise of fast wind and before he knows it he steps back, a body hits the floor with a thump and a followed up, “Watch out!”
He lets out a sigh, looking up in disappointment at the kid in red and blue spandex while someone screams near him, the residents in Brooklyn have gotten way too used to this. “I thought warnings were supposed to come before a threat.”
“Oh! Mr. Barnes, or do you want me to call you Mr. Winter? Mr. soldier? Mr Barnes Winter Soldier?” Bucky swears he can almost see the confusion through the kids mask, Spider-Man dangles from the fire escape before he’s dropping down on the floor, like a cat landing on its feet. He bounces up like a spring without acknowledging the body in the middle of them.
Bucky squats down pressing two fingers against the man's neck and finds a pulse, “He’s alive.” He tries to sound excited even though it comes out more sarcastic and some civilians nearby boo.
“Aw come on guys that’s not nice!” Spider-Man says and someone throws a half eaten sandwich which the kid easily avoids. If Sam were here they would’ve gotten a good laugh out of it but Bucky finds himself turning towards the crowd with an angry scowl and his fists tightening. They all shuffle a bit avoiding eye contact acting like they’re not there in the first place.
“Anyways, Mr. Barnes! What are you doing in Brooklyn?” The kid flings out some web dragging the unconscious guy before stringing him up over the fire escape while the restaurant owner below curses him.
“I live here. What are you doing here? Last time I checked you were in Queens.”
“Aww you check up on me! That is like so nice!” Bucky honestly can’t tell if the kid is being sarcastic, stupid or both.
“And! You know just hanging out, chilling.” The kid tries to imitate a deep voice leaning back against a garbage can before slipping and falling embarrassingly.
“Uh huh, chilling?” Bucky says fondly before reaching out a hand to the kid. “Why are you actually here kid?”
Spider-Man looks around suspiciously before leaning in and whispering, “School trip!”
“You have a school trip… in Brooklyn?” He says slowly trying to understand if the kid is pulling his leg.
“Yup! Real cool huh?”
“Sure.. shouldn’t you be with the other 5 year olds then?” He quips and Spider-Man places a hand over his heart in mock hurt. “I’m 16 for your information! And yeah they’re at the pizza place down there.” The kid points and when Bucky turns he sees a couple kids plastered to the window. One with a phone recording and saying words he doesn’t understand, a girl and a boy standing next to each other not looking very surprised at seeing spiderman, they even wave at Bucky.
He waves back with a blank face and the guy with the star wars shirt starts to whisper things quickly to the girl. The guy with the camera says “Holy shit! The Winter Soldier oh my god!”
Bucky turns back to Peter, “They don’t know who you are?”
The kid shrugs, “Only two of them!”
“Wow, Congratulations.” He says sarcastically, impressed that not everyone knows the kid's identity.
“Thanks Mr. Barnes!”
His phone goes off and his eyebrows scrunch up seeing Sam's caller Id, “Shoo, go away I have to take this.”
“Okay! It was nice seeing you, we should definitely do this again!” Spider-Man swings away and Bucky shakes his head before picking up.
“Sam what’s up? Another mission?” He asks nonchalantly, “James.”
Everything goes to shit so quickly that it might be laughable. Of course the one day where everything is fine, something has to be wrong. A sense of dread pools into his stomach, anxiety already making his heart flutter and something lodges itself into his throat.
Sam never calls him James, not unless they’re poking fun each other which usually starts with Bucky calling the man Samuel. This isn’t them pulling each others legs though.
“It’s Sarah.” Sam's voice comes from the other end, clipped and tight and Bucky feels relief and horrible weight all the same.
Coming down to Louisiana is a no-brainer, Bucky doesn’t need Sam to tell him what to do, doesn’t ask him for the situation or what happened. He packs his bag and catches the first flight to Louisiana. All the while, his hands shake, he bites at his lip till it bleeds and picks the skin around his nails.
He steps onto the dock with a hurry, a purpose in his stride and he’s about to knock on Sarah’s door— should he have called Sam? Asked him where to meet? Is Sarah at the hospital? Is she dea— no, don't go there.
— the door swings open to his face and Bucky doesn’t know what he’s expecting but he sure as hell isn’t expecting Sam there with a big ass grin on his face.
“Bucky! Hey man!” The man pulls him in, patting his back and Bucky's heart is still jack- hammering from anxiety. He looks ahead and spots Sarah cleaning one of the counters, AJ standing next to her. There’s a smile on both of their faces, there’s music playing somewhere.
Nothing is wrong.
Nothing is wrong.
He should be relieved.
All the anxiety, the worry is replaced with anger, rage and confusion. He’s concerned his teeth might break from how hard he’s grinding them together. He shoves Sam off of him harshly, still careful not to send him flying across the room because as much as he’s pissed right now, he could never hurt the man.
He turns on his heel, bag gripped in his hand before he’s stocking off. He doesn’t have a particular plan but all he knows is that he needs to be away from here before he does something really stupid.
“Wha— Bucky! Man what the hell!” Sam grabs him once again and he shrugs him off, Sam decides the next course of action is to completely go in front of him, steadying him with palms against his chest. “Do not call me that.” Sam looks taken back.
“Wha— why wouldn’t I call you that?”
“The only people who are allowed to call me that aren’t ones who mess with my fucking head.” Sam rears back with wide eyes and guilt on his face.
“I— I didn’t mean to— I just—“
“Just what Sam? Thought it would be funny to call me and tell me Sarah was hurt? Or actually, no, you didn’t tell me anything, for all I knew Sarah could’ve been dead and I’m here charging my ass to Louisiana. Biting my fucking nails off only to come here and see that everything’s fine and dandy, so what, am I the fucking asshole for being angry that no ones hurt?”
The words bubble up to the surface, he presses a finger to Sam's chest with every accusation stepping closer getting into his face. His breathing is out of control, eyes wide with rage and Sam doesn’t look afraid. He looks guilty.
“Please let me explain, Buck.”
“Why should I huh? You obviously think this is all some kind of joke.” His voice sounds a bit wet to his ears and maybe it’s because Sam doesn’t take him seriously. Maybe the man finds it fun toying with his feelings but that’s just the irrational part of his brain talking. Sam isn’t like that, no matter how angry he is, he knows that.
“I know you have no reason to hear me out. What I did was stupid and childish. I shouldn’t have done it, I knew how much this kind of stuff can worry you and I.. I wasn’t thinking. I thought that maybe once you showed up it would be fine, you would be happy and— I guess I underestimated how you would feel.”
“So why did you do it?”
“.. you wouldn’t come to visit. Not even after missions and I know it sounds selfish but.. we’re friends Bucky, even I can admit that. I know you like your space and I should respect that but it’s been months.. I figured you would only come if it was important. I’m sorry man, I just— we all missed you.” Sam explains sorrowfully while Bucky sighs harshly, rubbing his temple and calming his breathing.
He’s trying to reign his emotions in and make sense of everything. He can already feel a migraine coming.
“So let’s get this straight. You called me, told me Sarah was in trouble even though she wasn’t, all because you missed me.”
“Well.. when you put it like that, it sounds dumb.” Wilson crosses his hands defensively and Bucky can’t believe this is Captain America, this is the man he loves.
“That’s because it is dumb Sam.” He covers his face, walking back towards the door. “I am really sorry Buck, I didn’t mean to stress you out so much.” Sam jogs up to him.
“Yeah you better be sorry, I think I just aged 50 years.”
“Impossible, you're already old as dirt.” Sam jabs back hesitantly and Bucky rolls his eyes. If anyone else had pulled this shirt, he’s sure they would’ve been in an emergency room right about now. But not Sam. Not Sam.
“Why couldn’t you just have called Wilson.” He turns back to Sam suddenly exhausted.
“Would you have come?”
“Now I’m not about to cook all this by myself so which of you is helping out and who’s going to set the table and make sure the kids don’t burn the house down?” Sarah stands with an eyebrow raised, Bucky side eyes Sam.
“Not it!” They shout In unison, “Wha— I’m a guest! Have some manners Sam!” Bucky crosses his arms defensively and Sam shoves a finger against his chest, “Guest, my ass! You should help out. I thought you were a gentleman with the whole 40s thing!”
“What happened to when I was a senior citizen?”
Sam is about to retort before Sarah sighs in frustration , “God, I'm dealing with five year olds.” she mutters, “Look, figure it out! Then one of you come join me in the kitchen or you both are sleeping on the dock tonight.”
“Yes ma’am.” He grimaces, “Whatever sis.” Sam says pouting. The minute she’s out of view they get back to arguing.
“Fine! You know what will solve this, a game of rock, paper, scissors!” Sam grins and Bucky rolls his eyes but raises his fist anyways.
“Rock!”
“Paper!”
“No you’re off count—“ Sam interrupts, “Wha— I’m not off count, you are!”
“Fine whatever you big baby, restart!”
“Rock!”
“Paper!”
“Scissors, shoot!”
Sam whoops, throwing a fist in the air while Bucky stares his hand still forming a scissor. He grumbles, he should’ve gone with paper.
“2 out of 3?” Bucky says miserably already knowing what Sam is going to say.
“No way Buckaroo!”
“That’s right, I won! Have fun Grandpa!” Sam hollers while sidestepping outside. “Shut it Wilson!” Bucky growls making his way over to the kitchen before Sam pops back in once again.
“And no flirting with my sister!” Bucky wants to say that he’d much rather flirt with Sam but he enjoys getting on the man's nerves so instead he replies with, “No promises!”
It’s actually not that bad helping out with dinner, Sarah obviously knows what she’s doing and Bucky has basic knowledge to sustain himself. She mostly has him chop up stuff and stir whatever needs it. He’s peeling potatoes when a loud crash rings through the house.
Bucky’s immediately alarmed, about to leave and go investigate but Sarah stops him, “You stay put mister and make sure nothing burns, I’m gonna go knock some sense into Sam.” She stalks off and Bucky goes back to what he’s doing, even though he is a bit distracted trying to listen for any more noise.
After a while when Sarah doesn’t come back, Bucky assumes Sam is getting the lecture of his life and snickers to himself. He throws in some potatoes into the pan, oil bubbling and throws in some seasoning as well, he turns down the heat and goes back to the chopping block. He’s cutting up some cilantro when a high pitched scream cuts through the house, the knife comes down on his finger but he doesn’t even notice it.
The knife clatter against the counter as he rushes towards the noise, grabbing a sharper knife from the kitchen drawer on autopilot.
What if something happened to AJ and Cass? Is Sam okay? Is Sarah okay? Bucky should’ve checked on them, why was he so stupid not to?!
He spots the boys in the living room crowded agaisnt the couch, “Cass, AJ? What’s the matter?” He scans the room for any threats, highlighting entrances and exits. It’s almost too easy to fall back into the Winter Soldier.
“There was a rat!” Cass yells pointing to an empty spot, “No! It was a lizard!” AJ argues. The boys turn towards him when suddenly they look down on his hands with wide eyes. They start to scream again and Bucky realizes that blood is streaming out from a deep cut on his hands, tricking down the knife and making it look like Bucky just starred in a bad horror film.
He hears hurried footsteps and time seems to slow down as he assesses the situation.
Cass and AJ are scared and screaming, backed away like they’re trying to get away fromBucky. Bucky has a knife in his hands. Bucky is the Winter— was the Winter Soldier and he has a very large knife in his hands. A knife covered in blood and if someone looked closer they would see that the blood is his but people tend to overlook things when it involves someone they love.
Bucky can’t stop the inevitable that’s about to happen because the door is opening, mutters of Sam and Sarah calling to AJ and Cass.
Sam is smart. Sam is observant and patient. Sam is also stubborn, determined and cares about his family more than anything. So maybe if this was a different situation Bucky could be okay, but it’s not a different situation. Bucky still isn’t even all the way cleared from the Winter soldier so it makes sense that people are cautious doesn’t it? It makes sense to jump to conclusions because he has killed for the past 80 years, has hurt for the past 80 years for the smallest things like a person being a witness to a crime.
His heart hammers in his throat, his breath coming out shallow and red seeping out of his hand and dripping onto the floor.
Whatever slow motion that was going on in his head resumes, all in a blink the door bursts open. Sarah rushes to her kids pulling them in and her eyes glancing up to see him. Sam has a gun pulled, shielding his family. The knife in Bucky's hand clatters to the floor. Sam's gun is pointed at Bucky. It’s only for a second but for a moment, Bucky thinks that he deserves this. That if Sam chooses to pull the trigger it’s not his fault.
He should be relieved. However, all he can feel is dread and terror. “Sam I didn’t— I didn’t—“ his voice is shaky and why is he trying to explain himself?
Sam pockets his gun immediately.
“Jesus! Bucky I told you to watch the knife!” Sarah scolds, hands on her boy's shoulders, Sam is next to him taking his hand and Bucky feels nauseous.
What’s going on? Weren’t they just angry? Wasn’t there a gun just pointed at him?
“You would think you’d be good with knives but apparently not you cyborg.” Sam says tugging him along and Bucky stumbles like a newborn deer.
“I left the stove on…” Bucky says distantly like it’s the most important thing at the moment. “That’s alright honey, me and the boys are taking over kitchen duty.” Sarah replies and then Bucky is suddenly sitting against the bathroom counter.
Holding his hand as Sam cleans the wound, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. Bucky finally comes back into focus, blinking up at Sam, the man catches his gaze.
“Where’d you go Terminator?” Sam says quietly, still helping Bucky.
“I… are you not pissed?” Why didn’t you shoot me?
“Pissed? Huh? Did you also hit your head Buck? Everyone makes mistakes.” Sam shrugs like it’s nothing but Bucky's heart is still in his throat.
“Cass and AJ were screaming— I didn’t mean to— I thought.. I mean well you also thought? You had a gun and there was blood and a knife— I thought—“ a hand settles on his shoulders, causing him to look Sam in the eye.
“Woah, woah, slow down, there’s no rush, nothing’s wrong. Start over, what’s going on with you?”
He nods, drawing in a breath of air, “I was using the knife to cut up some cilantro and I heard the kids scream. I thought that maybe something happened, I didn’t realize I cut myself. I grabbed a knife because there could’ve been a threat or—-“ he shakes his head, “The boys freaked out when they saw the blood and I.. I know how it looked like Sam. Two kids screaming, the Winter soldier holding a bloody knife. You and Sarah came and there was no time to explain.. I thought you were going to…”
Sam's eyes are wide, his hand now grabbing Bucky's bandaged one. “Bucky, did you think I was going to shoot you?”
“I wouldn’t have blamed you.” Sam's hand squeezes but Bucky doesn’t feel a thing, he doesn’t.
“Don’t say shit like that. I wouldn’t have hurt you like that with no explanation, what do you think this is, shoot and ask questions later? And I have a functioning brain, you would’ve never hurt those kids.” Sam says, his face pulled into one of anger.
Bucky doesn’t know what to say and maybe his hand is shaking, or is that Sam?
“You’re not the Winter Soldier Bucky.” Sam insists.
“I don’t think you're right Sam… I think he’s still there somewhere, the asset he’s— it was so easy to slip back into it. Now and back in Madripoor. What if… everyone’s wrong?”
“You can’t change the past, Bucky. You’re always thinking about this like the Winter Soldier is some kind of monster, he’s on the same side coin as you. He was tortured and forced into things he didn’t want. So yeah, what if the Winter soldier is still in there? The same Winter soldier that grabbed a knife after hearing two kids scream thinking there was someone trying to hurt them.”
Buckys never thought about it like that, always hated the Winter soldier, always wanted to tear that part up inside him. Sam makes it sound like something else entirely.
“I—-“
“Don’t try to argue with me Bucky or I’ll sic Sarah on you, should’ve heard the lecture she just gave me for letting the kids climb up on my shoulders.” Bucky huffs a laugh at that, still sitting on the bathroom counter, staring down at Sam, hand in hand.
“Also, you can actually show some damn emotion on your face, I’m not gonna laugh at you for pulling a couple funny faces Robocop.” Sam says pulling away and throwing the bloody rag into the trash can.
“Huh?” Bucky says confused and Sam turns back towards him, “Really? Don’t play dumb with me, I ran alcohol over your cut and you didn’t even wince, I know that must’ve hurt like a son of a bitch.” Sam laughs but his smile drops when Bucky doesn’t.
“It didn’t hurt.”
Sam makes the same face that Dr Reinen did when he brought this up, it makes something in his stomach flip.
“Bucky, I know that the 40s was.. a lot , but it’s different now, men don’t have to pretend to—“
“I’m not trying to pretend to be manly or anything, it just didn’t hurt Sam.”
Sam stands silently before he comes closer, placed like before, between Bucky's legs and then he’s grabbing his bandaged arm. He squeezes not breaking eye contact.
“This doesn’t hurt?”
“No.” Sam squints his eyes, mouth in a frown.
“You’ve felt pain before.”
“I have.”
“What's different about this Buck?”
It feels like a trap.
“It’s… it’s not big, it wasn’t like Hydra.” Sams doesn’t say anything and Bucky says more, he doesn’t know why, maybe it’s because it’s so easy to admit everything to Sam.
“It’s… I know how to hurt and I know it should hurt, it does hurt but I can’t— it’s like I don’t want to feel it. Like— like I block it out to the point it doesn’t matter. I used to do that.. back then. I guess I’m free now but I still have so much to do, so much to atone for so why— why should I allow myself to fret over every small cut? Why should I allow myself to mend the pain and seek comfort when I don’t deserve it? When I hurt so many people who can’t be mended, they can’t be brought back. I.. I don’t know how to hurt because I don’t deserve to heal.”
The explanation seems like it’s torn straight from the back of his mind, pieces he couldn’t see slotting together all because Sam Wilson looked at him for too long and asked why? His chest heaves, eyes wide and Sam is still there. He doesn’t look weirded out, he isn’t pitying him. He squeezes his palm.
“You’ve made amends, you’ve tried and that’s better than nothing at all isn’t it? It’s true those people can’t be brought back, so why are you so focused on the past that you can’t change?”
Sam's hand cups the side of his face, it’s too much, it’s not enough.
“When will you forgive yourself, Buck? You feel this, feel this. This pain is what makes you James Buchanan Barnes, it’s what makes you Bucky, what makes you my partner and best friend. This pain is how you move forward. You can’t heal without pain, you can’t feel pain without healing. You need both, so feel this and I’ll help you heal.”
His palm pulses, Bucky feels like he’s breathing for the first time since he got out of the ice, staring at Captain America’s eyes. The new Captain America, the man telling him to hurt, telling him to lean on him to heal. He feels like he’s bursting at the seams, like watching fireworks and not being frightened at the horrible loud noise.
“What do you say, Bucky? You ready to move forward?”
Bucky wants to reach over and pull Sam in, wants to feel every part of him, wants to follow him to the moon and back. Wants to utter every single thought he's had about Sam, tell him that he’s so good it makes him want to scream.
But he can’t say all this yet.
“I say that Sarah’s pissed off at us and the food’s all cold.”
Sam's grin makes it worth it. Bucky thinks that maybe he can move forward, and maybe, just maybe, Sam doesn’t mind coming along.
He perches one leg on the dock and the other one dangling over it, just barely touching the water lapping at the wood. It’s not too cold, and he’s not too worried about getting sick, so he’s only wearing a pair of sweatpants and dog tags that shine in the moonlight.
He doesn’t think he’s felt this good in a while, like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. He hears Sam's footsteps before he even makes it outside, he doesn’t bother turning around, just waits for Sam to make his way over to him.
“Guess I was right, robots don’t sleep, Torres owes me 50 bucks.” Bucky huffs but doesn’t bother to do anything else, Sam settles down next to him letting out a grunt as his knees make a popping noise.
“So mind telling me what you’re doing out here at the crack of dawn?” Sam mirrors him, tilting his head back and Bucky thinks he looks beautiful like this.
“Like you’re any better?”
“Well unlike some people, this body doesn’t stay in shape by lounging around. I’m going for a run in a bit, but imagine my surprise when my roomie for the night was nowhere to be found!” Sam says sarcastically and Bucky shoves him playfully.
“It’s nothing man.. just felt like watching the night.”
“Watching the night or just wanted to have a Twilight moment?” Bucky turns towards him confused and Sam looks outraged.
“No one showed you Twilight?! I would’ve thought Shuri would’ve introduced you!” The man sounds offended but still hasn’t explained what Twilight is to Bucky.
“Uh… sorry?” He shrugs instead and Sam shakes his head, getting up and tugging Bucky along.
“I know you wanted to watch the night sky, but you can do that later, we have to watch the whole saga now.”
“Weren’t you about to go running?”
“Shush, this is more important, can’t let anyone know how uncultured you are!” Bucky laughs.
“This won’t take long will it? I have a flight to catch.” Sam pauses.
“Stay a while?” He doesn’t turn around to face Bucky.
“I wouldn’t want to intrude—“
“Bucky.” Sam says.
“Okay.” Because somehow Sam saying his name like that, was enough for him.