Harley knew that Stark Towers was weird. Hell, he had mentally prepared himself for the chance that he’d have to interact with anything too out of the ordinary. But of all the weird phrases and comments he had come up with (it was actually really fun, coming up with weird phrases. His favorite sentence he came up with was: “A dirty orange is no excuse for purple lettuce”.) he had never expected to hear:
“You are so wrong. Spider-Man isn’t my fursona, I’m Spider-Man’s humansona.”
Okay, Okay, Okay. Let's break this down, Harley. Number 1: Spider-Man’s identity was just revealed to you. Number 2: Spider-Man is a lunatic, Harley thought to himself. This was crazy. Harley was about to meet his favorite superhero and apparently he was absolutely bat-shit crazy. Harley took in his surroundings. There was a boy and a girl at a high table on bar stools and a giant, expensive car taking up most of the room. Great. Tony was crazy. Mom, come pick me up I’m scared.
The girl was the first to notice him. “Ahh. We have a guest.” Not Spider-Man .
“Hi. I’m Ned.” The boy slid out of his chair and jogged up to him. He put out his hand and said, “Nice to meet you.”
Not Spider-Man either, His brain supplied. “‘Mah Pleasure. I’m Harley Keener.”
“Ooh, a southern boy.” The girl called in a crude southern accent. It appeared she was reading a book called The Freedom Writers Diary . “Oi, Peter. Come meet your new friend.”
“I’m a little busy disassembling a carburetor.” The car snarkily replied. Which, now that Harley thought about it, Peter was probably inside the car or under it.
Holy shit, he was Spider-Man . “Holy shit, you’re Spider-Man.”
A head popped up and started ranting, “What? Who told you? Was it the government-controlled birds that aren’t really birds but are actually robots?! I knew it! No wonder you never see baby pigeons, the government only makes big pigeon robots. It all makes sense now. They should really expand their line of robot birds. They need baby pigeons. Aww, those would be so cute. Or maybe a giant fire-bird that would destroy the city. Or mayb--”
“Oh shut the fuck up, Peter.” The girl scoffed. “He obviously figured it out because 10 seconds ago, you were screaming about your ‘humansona’. Which, for the record, isn’t a thing.”
Peter stuck out his tongue. “It is, too, a thing. And a fire-bird would be really cool.”
“It would be. But let's meet our new friend first, Harley, right?”
This was all a lot to process, so Harley took a moment to gather his bearings. There was a boy next to him whose name is Ned. There is a girl at the high table who has yet to reveal her name. And a boy standing in the car in the spot where the engine was supposed to be. A very pretty boy. Who happened to be Spider-Man. Just lovely.
Deep breaths, Harley. Play it cool . “Hi, yes. I am Harley.” He pointed at Ned. “And you are Ned.” He pointed at Peter. “And you are Peter.” Finally he pointed at the scary girl. “And you are a scary lady whose name I do not know.”
“Ooh I like him. He drinks his respect women juice--”
“As he should,” Ned interrupted.
“Don’t interrupt me. I’m MJ.” The girl, MJ, stated.
Peter whistled. “Wow, you got MJ in the first conversation. It took me three weeks to bump up from Michelle.”
“This is great and all, but I’d rather get back to our argument.” MJ said.
“Ooh, Ooh.” Ned pipped up, “Harley can join.”
MJ rolled her eyes. “Obviously, now that someone announced someone’s identity that’s supposed to be secret. Yes, Peter, I'm talking to you.”
“I know you’re talking about me.” Peter stuck out his tongue again. “And I didn’t announce it. I loudly proclaimed it.”
“Same thing, dumbass.” Harley chimed in.
Peter gasped. “How dare you disrespect me and the English language. You should be ashamed. And you weren’t even invited into this conversation, thank you very much.”
“Wrong again. MJ just invited me, thank you very much . And you’re also the guy who thinks humansonas are a thing.”
“They are a thing, you monster,” Peter wailed. “It’s when a mutant finally gains a humanoid alter-ego.”
“And a fursona is when a human names their mutant alter-ego after an animal.” Harley argued.
“It’s also when a human has a sexy animal kink.” MJ deadpanned.
“OMG, MJ. There are little-ears in the room. Ned’s here.” Peter gasped.
“Bitch, I’m three months younger than you.” Ned replied.
“Exactly. You’re just a baby.” Peter confirmed.
Harley sighed. “Okay let’s move on. So Peter, why do you think you are Spider-Man’s humansona?”
“Yeah, why do you think that?” Ned snorted. “You said that a spider bit you at Oscorp. Didn’t the radioactive spider give you your powers?”
“Maybe.” Peter conceded. “But I have a theory that I was born with it, and God cursed me because he was afraid I was going to take over the world.”
MJ rolled her eyes, “Sure, say you’re right. But why do you have powers now?”
“Isn’t it obvious--”
“It really isn’t.”
“Shushies, child. I always had them. God gave me less than average health, ruining my powers. Then the spider unleashed the powers from deep inside of me. Now I’m Spider-Man. Thwip, Thwip.”
“Did you seriously just say ‘ thwip, thwip ’?” Harley asked incredulously.
Peter looked at him like it was obvious, “Uh, yeah? It's the sound the webs make when they hit buildings and pizza.”
“Pizza?”
“Oh yeah, that’s a funny story.” Ned spoke up. “Peter wanted pizza so he webbed the box. You can probably figure out what happened from there. He was covered in pizza for hours.”
“Ha!”
“ We’re getting off topic. ” MJ sing-sang.
“Shush. This is hilarious.”
“And speaking of funny, Peter, why were you in a car?”
Peter crossed his arms and hummed, “I don’t understand the question.”
“The question is simple,” MJ deadpanned. “You’re just being a little bitch.”
Peter threw his hands up in exasperation. “Fine. I needed pieces from a car’s engine. I didn’t want to ask Tony for them so I just was planning on taking apart an old car. But someone decided to buy me a new car to take apart.”
“I regret nothing!” Came a voice.
Everyone looked up to see a tiny drone with a big speaker floating just above their heads.
“God? Is that you?” Peter called. “Have you finally come to kill me? I’ll have you know that I will fight you to the death. PS I hope you don’t just drop soup.”
“What the fuck?!” The voice said again.
“You saw that meme, too?” Harley asked.
“Ah ha! It’s either God or my conscience. Are you still mad that I called you fat?” Peter inquired.
“No Peter, you absolute idiot. It’s just Tony.” MJ said. Then to Tony’s disembodied voice, “How many I help you?”
Tony’s disembodied voice, or TDV, then answered, “I just wanted to see how Peter and Harley are getting along. Wink, wink.”
“Did you seriously just say ‘ wink, wink ’?” Ned asked incredulously.
“Yes. I am a billionaire, therefore I can say whatever I want. Because that’s how it works.”
“It’s really not.”
“Shush. Now I must leave or Pep will have my head. Goodbye, simple mortals.” And with that, the drone flew into a vent and out of sight.
The room was thrown into a calm silence. And, of course, Peter was the one to break it, “So who’s hungry. I could go for some pizza.”
“Are we gonna ignore the previous conversation completely?”
“Yes.”
As they were getting up, and out of a car in Peter’s case, Harley took a moment to think. Maybe this won’t be so bad. And Peter’s really hot.