“Hey, Buck, I’m here,” Sam called out as he entered the apartment.
Sam put the case of beer down on the counter and tried to listen for any movement. Nothing. He didn’t hear anything.
He hesitantly walked towards and into the bedroom before getting grabbed. Sam felt a hand cover his mouth. Panic and adrenaline filled his entire body before he realized the hand was…metal. Bucky’s hand? Was this brainwashing again? The Winter Soldier? Hydra? Zemo? Someone mind controlling him-
“Don’t move, it senses fear,” Bucky whispered.
Sam struggled against Bucky’s grip before the super soldier moved his hand so it wasn’t covering his mouth. His other arm was still wrapped around his waist though, so he was still pinned against Bucky’s body.
“What’s going on? Androids? Aliens? Wizards?” Sam whispered.
“There’s a spider over there,” Bucky said, Sam immediately rolling his eyes.
“Are you serious? Dude, what the fuck? I thought it was something serious,” Sam said with a glare as he untangled himself from Bucky’s grip.
“It is serious,” Bucky defended with a whine.
“You’re the most deadliest assassin in the world and you’re scared of a spider?” Sam asked.
“It’s a spider,” Bucky whined anxiously.
Sam scoffed before going over towards the spider. Bucky let out a whine and closed his eyes when he heard Sam kill it.
“There, it’s dead. Are you good now?” Sam asked as he tossed the tissue in the garbage.
“Yes,” Bucky said.
“Wuss,” Sam mumbled to himself as he left the room.
“Thank you,” Bucky said as he followed Sam out of the room.
Bucky wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist. He slid his metal hand under Sam’s shirt, causing him to flinch from the cold. Bucky snickered slightly.
“Pay attention to me, I’m bored,” Bucky said as he dragged Sam over to the couch, his hands still wrapped around his waist.
“What’s up with you today?” Sam asked. “You’re so clingy. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Bucky said quietly. “Just bored.”
“No, nope, this isn’t boredom. What’s going on?” Sam asked with a serious tone.
“You know, when I got rescued from Hydra, the first time, by Steve…I thought he wasn’t real,” Bucky said numbly. “I thought I was hallucinating him, you know? I thought I was seeing the one thing I wanted in life, for Steve to be healthy and strong. I thought I was dying, or dead. But seeing Steve happy and not sick anymore, that provided me peace in that moment. I was ready to die.”
“Okay,” Sam said slowly, not sure how to respond to that.
“And now…now I just wish that I had died,” Bucky mumbled.
“Woah, no, no,” Sam said with a concerned tone as he turned around and looked at Bucky. “Don’t say that.”
“Well it’s true and you always want me telling you the truth,” Bucky said flatly. “I’ll remember these moments, Sam, I will, like the time when I was using my arm to reflect the sun into your eyes. And the time AJ tackled you into the water because he was running so fast and couldn’t stop himself. And the time Peter was on the ceiling crawling and you got startled and started hitting him with the broom.”
“Bucky, stop,” Sam said seriously. “What’s going on?”
“There was this time where Steve was still getting used to the shield. He ended up waking up in the middle of the night and tripping over it. He stepped on the edge and it flipped up and hit him in the leg,” Bucky said, Sam smiling slightly. “Woke up all of the Howling Comandos up with his swearing. It took us like 10 minutes to stop laughing.”
“Bucky-” Sam said again.
“You know, since like ‘44, Steve’s technically been borrowing the shield. He bet it in a poker game and I won it,” Bucky said. “So technically it’s my shield-”
“Bucky, stop,” Sam said seriously. “Why are you telling me this?”
“I’ve barely been able to get out of bed for like two weeks,” Bucky admitted. “I’m tired all the time. I just wanna sleep constantly. And I don’t even want to go on any missions. I’m just…tired of everything right now, Sam. I don’t wanna exist anymore. It’s too much.”
Sam sighed and took a breath. Bucky had issues with depression, especially with his PTSD. But he never conveyed his suicidal thoughts to him. Granted, Sam had his suspicions that Bucky was suicidal, but he never brought it up with the guy. But now Bucky was actually telling him he didn’t care if he lived or died, and that…it hit Sam. It hurt Sam. He just wanted to help Bucky, and sometimes he couldn’t even do that.
“Don’t leave, because if you leave, I’m gonna…” Bucky trailed off as his eyes watered.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Sam said.
“Please don’t leave me like Steve did,” Bucky said as he dug his face into Sam’s shoulder. “Please. I need you, Sam, please.”
“I won’t leave you,” Sam said seriously before leaning against Bucky’s body again.
Bucky still had his arms wrapped around Sam’s waist, and he was pushed up against the back of the couch. So he couldn’t exactly get up and leave thankfully. Sam doubted Bucky would actually try something while Sam was in the apartment, but who knows with Bucky being in this state.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Is there anything you need me to do?” Sam asked carefully, not wanting to set Bucky off.
“Keep an eye on me, please. I don’t…I don’t trust myself,” Bucky said quietly. “Please keep an eye on me.”
“I promise I will,” Sam said.
“Thank you,” Bucky mumbled before he dug his face into Sam’s shoulder again.