Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How could he have been so stupid? Just because he could successfully go outside without having a panic attack didn’t mean that he was fixed or ready to meet people. That much was abundantly clear after this disaster of a morning.
“Buck?” Steve called out from the door of their apartment.
The super soldier ducked into the open closet next to their bed and hid behind the rack of clothing. Tears burned his eyes and he didn’t want Stevie to see him cry, not over something so...frivolous. There were real issues in the world and Bucky was making a mountain out of nothing. Stevie would finally realise he was better off without him and send him away.
“I know you're here somewhere, Buck. I saw you come back; baby, just talk to me. Please?” Steve pleaded.
The brunet shook his head and tried to calm down. It was just Stevie. He could do this. Slowly the assassin picked up one of the shoes and tossed it out of the closet. Immediately he could hear Steve heading his way.
“I don’t know how to tell you this, but with the way you keep kissing me in front of the team, it might be a little late to go back in the closet,” the blond asshole chuckled.
“Hardy haha. You’re hilarious,” Bucky grunted.
“What’s going on, Buck?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he grumbled.
“Well, it kinda seems like you need to.”
“I’m fine.”
“Baby...”
Bucky sighed.
“I thought I was done. That I finally had it all figured out, if I was just able to go outside then everything would be fine.”
“And I’m so proud of you, baby. Knowing you were out there by yourself; it’s a big step and you're going to do so many exciting things.”
The brunet exhaled; Steve wasn’t getting it.
“But none of that matters! I’m still missing so much. I have no skills, no job, no past – fuck I can’t even drive on these stupid modern streets. I thought I was at the end Steve and it turns out I’m still at the beginning.”
“And that’s okay, Bucky. That means you’ve got so much to look forward to still.”
Look forward to? The big black pit in front of Bucky was nothing to look forward to. It was terrifying. Why couldn’t Steve see that?
“Buck?”
“I’m scared, Stevie. There’s too much. I don’t know what’s gonna happen and I’m tired of fighting...I don’t know if I can do it anymore,” the assassin whispered.
“What are you saying?”
This wasn’t the first time Bucky had noticed these feelings crawling up his chest, but it was the first time he was in a position to share them with someone. Steve had loved him as a messed up kid in the 40s, he could probably still love a messed up adult Bucky?
“Everything feels pointless. Maybe you shoulda just left me on ice or with...I mean at least then I had a purpose. Even if it was evil.”
The clothes in front of Bucky parted so fast some of the hangers fell down.
“You don’t mean that,” Steve demanded.
“I’m useless, Steve. I contribute nothing. I have nothing to give. I’m worthless.”
“You contribute just by existing. Waking up every day and being amazing, that’s enough Buck. You don’t have to give anymore.”
That was Steve’s problem...he didn’t always see Bucky as a person, he saw Bucky the love of his life and sometimes they didn’t quite match up.
“But I want to! I want to be useful, I want to feel worth something...I want to be like everyone else!” Bucky shouted.
“You can be anything you want Buck. I’m sorry you might be starting later than most and that you’re not where you wanted to be, but you can get there. And I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
“What’s the point?”
Steve sighed.
“Isn't it worth at least a shot? If you can feel even a tiny bit happier than you do now, isn’t it worth a try?” Steve said. “If nothing changes you can come back and live in the closet.”
Bucky snorted.
“I think I just need some time.”
“I can sit with you? I’m here for whatever you need, Buck.”
“I think I need to be alone.”
“I don’t...”
“I’ll come find you in a bit, I promise.”
The blond hesitated.
“I would never want you to find something like that. I’ll talk to Dr Raynor about what I’m feeling but right now I just need to think.”
Steve nodded.
“And just so you know, you contribute to me. You give me everything, I know I’m only one man but you make my world worth it. So, thank you for that. Truly,” Steve told Bucky.
Steve closed the bedroom door as he left and Bucky crumpled to the floor as his tears finally broke free and streamed down his face.
***
At some point, he must have cried himself to sleep because when Bucky opened his eyes it was dark out. Finally venturing out of the closet, Bucky found Steve at their dining table. He was sitting facing their large window and the sun was about to come up.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Someone was snoring in my closet.”
“Fuck off, jerk.”
“Punk.”
Bucky smiled.
The light broke outside the window, the colours swirled and it was one of the most beautiful sights Bucky had ever seen. He was reminded of watching the sunrises in Europe with the Howlies.
“We’d see the sunrises in Europe.”
“Yeah.”
Bucky looked around their empty apartment. Him and Stevie in their very own place with a soft bed every night.
“We’re not in a war zone anymore.”
“Nope.”
The metal arm whirred softly as he flexed his hand.
“I survived HYDRA.”
“You did.”
2 years ago, he was on the run with no hope of ever finding himself, no home and no one to call a friend. Now he had a name, Stevie, friends and even hobbies. It might not be what some others have but it’s more than he had before...
“You think in a couple of years, I’ll be in a different place?”
“I see no reason why not and I’m going to do everything I can to help.”
Bucky paused and watched the sun finish rising.
“I would have hated to miss this.”
“I love you, Buck.”
“I love you too, Stevie.”
“Till the end of the line, right?”
Steve held out his hand for Bucky to take and the brunet kissed his beloved’s hand.
“Yeah, doll. And I think I just found some more track. You're stuck with me for a long time yet.”
Bucky turned back towards the sunrise, and he swore he could feel the glow of a new day through the window.
“I’m ready for you world. Come and get me,” he whispered to himself.
The End