A star shines bright, but even brighter in a constellation

The first thing An notices when she comes back to is that it's dark. 

And the second thing is that she can't move. 

An winces. She feels sluggish like she's just finished a marathon. Something is pounding relentlessly at her head, she's dizzy, and it hurts. Far away, she can hear the soft thumping of the music downstairs that is currently entirely too loud for her liking. 

Okay, you got this, she tells herself. She's nursed countless customers back to working and walking order after they've had one too many drinks, so obviously she should be able to do it to herself as well, right?

Hmm. Turns out it's a lot harder to do when you're the one with a hangover - she's pretty sure this is a hangover, unless she managed to give herself a concussion when she passed out, and she's not heavy enough that Kohane would not be able to catch her.

Oh god. She passed out in front of everyone. An cringes at herself. Maybe if she goes back to sleep, she can pretend nothing happened. They had a great time post-show and everyone went home. She went to bed. Peacefully normal, she thought, as she smushes her face into the pillow, willing sleep to take her somewhere less embarrassing.

The window is open, and through it, the sound of a city winding down slowly for the night floats through her bedroom. An lies there, listening to the drunken customers cheerfully saying their goodbyes to one another, before stumbling home to their home. Further away, a dog's bark is drowned out by the sound of the second to last train passing through. She idly wonders if everyone made it home safely.

An rolls over, unable to sleep. It feels like her usual daytime energy has morphed into this undercurrent thrumming that hums across her veins, pulsing quietly in a way that doesn't quite let her fall back to the merciful grips of rest. It's somehow simultaneously too warm for the blanket, and too cold for her to poke out of it at the same time. 

She briefly considered multiple actions at once. She could scream into her pillow (veto, because she's not sure if she can even speak right now, much less scream). She could get up for a nighttime walk around Vivid Street (also veto - can she even get up?). She could put her earbuds in and listen to the song they were cleaning, and maybe this time she'll be able to not miss that second count again (this is not happening tonight). 

Eventually, she settled for reaching out to her phone. An grimaces briefly at the artificial glow as she tapped on it. Kohane's smile fills the screen, along with the digital clock noiselessly ticking away. It's 10:01 pm, which means the bar is closing in half an hour. She's half tempted to go downstairs to help with closing - something, anything to keep her thoughts from running stray again. 

And so An ends up idly scrolling through social media, the hum of the fan droning on as it turns this and that way, An distantly thought about how her father always tells her to not use the phone at night, because it'll keep her up, and all that old people stuff. So what if it's true? It's not like she can go back to sleep now.

There's a bunch of Nightcord messages crowding her notifications - more so than usual. An sighs internally. She's never been too good with social media like Mizuki or their artist friend, but keeping up with people on social media is a kinda unfortunate necessity these days. She fires up the app. There are a bunch of messages from Kohane, as well as a few from Touya and Akito. Jeez, she really gave them a scare, huh? 

An allows herself a snicker. Her throat hurts still, but it made her feel better that her teammates left such heartfelt messages, that they will be back soon (they will be back, right?). Even Akito.....even Akito left so many messages, when he'd so frequently only communicated with single words or single line replies in the group chat.

Maybe she should pass out more often if it means being pampered like this -- An. No.

Before her traitorous thoughts could run away any further than that, a quiet knock came from the door, followed by the soft creak as it swings open. 

"I'm coming in.", Akito announces quietly to the bedroom, his voice somehow manages to be audible in between all the banter and bass that invites itself into her quiet space. He gently closes the door behind him.

An raises an eyebrow at him. "Did you go up here to escape the customer with the dog?"

Akito squints back, then narrow his eyes. "They sent me up here when they saw me freak out. Were you lying?"

She smirks at him. "I forgot that he only comes in on Mondays." Akito glares at her, but acquiesces and sits down on the beanbag still in the middle of the room. An held herself back from telling him that the beanbag is actually Kohane's seat, and he should instead know his place and sit on the floor. She can be a gracious host and extend an olive branch to the ginger who is now making himself comfortable on Kohane's beanbag. 

"That's Kohane's bean bag, you know."

That doesn't stop her from pointing it out, though. To her misfortune, Akito brushes it aside.

"I'm sure she would happily let me sit on her beanbag in your room. Anyway, this is good. I wanted to talk before the other two came up." 

An groans and buries her face in her hands. "What if we just pretend I passed out because I forgot to eat or something and never speak of this again? I'll even let you sit on Kohane's beanbag-"

"Knock it off with the beanbag!!" It's his turn to groan. "How are you still insufferable even after passing out?"

She simply stuck out a tongue in response. This, she can do. The familiar bickering with no real teeth behind it. the desire to break into laughter in the middle of it. It's nice and familiar and safe. 

"Seriously though," Akito attempts to start again, as he shuffles himself onto the floor instead, now leaning onto the beanbag instead of sitting on it. "We have about an hour before they're done closing up, so....."

Uggggghhh. Insufferable. 

But she knows he's right. They need to talk.

Akito patiently waits. And waits. An fiddles with the hem of her blanket. She's now sitting cross-legged on the futon. She's not sure if she'll ever be ready to talk about this, but Akito is here, and he's on his best behavior towards her, which means he thinks it's something serious enough to talk about together.

"How did you deal with it?" An starts clumsily. Akito cocks his head wordlessly at the vague question.

"How did you deal with Touya as a partner? How-" She tries again - they've never been good at this. They go to Kohane and Touya respectively when they need to talk about feelings. Not to each other.

But what can you do when the very partner whom you thought you were partnered with for life is the cause of the problem?

"How do you deal with, with the insecurity?"

The last word barely passed through her mouth, like a whisper, a fervent prayer unto the wind that she didn't want to let go of. There was so much more she wanted to say, to add on to that, but considering the situation, An is grateful she managed to squeak out anything at all. She didn't want to admit it out loud, and she certainly did not want to admit it to this ginger. But he's definitely, ironically, probably the most well-equipped out of all of them to talk to her about this. 

Now it's Akito's turn to play with the hem of his shirt. And her turn to wait.

They sat there in semi-comfortable silence as Akito gathers his thoughts. And just when An was about to call off this whole thing, to tell him that it's ok if he doesn't want to talk about it, and that she'll figure something out-

"I. A lot of practice, for one." he began, and she promptly decided to shut up and listen. "I also try to talk it out with Touya and Kohane more. It sucks", he grimaced "I don't like.....talking about things like that. Not because it's a bad thing to talk about. I guess I'm just not used to doing it? But it does get easier. Slowly."

He shifts and straightens his back. Unconsciously, she mirrors the action. "Anyway, it doesn't really ever go away An. There are good and bad days, and you just kinda have to go through it, really."

Well. It's not an answer, but it's also not a not-answer. An stares at a discolored spot on the wooden floor. She wonders if it's because of coffee that she spilled at some point..

"This sucks," she sighs, flopping back over on the mess of blankets and pillows she was sitting on. "I was hoping you'd be able to give me some sagely advice or something....."

Akito laughs, "Well, sorry to disappoint. At least you're getting someone who's lived it."

She grunts discontentedly. He's got a point. He always does. Ugh. 

They stay like that for a little while, An upside down on her bed staring at the night sky through the balcony, and Akito leaning against the beanbag, doing the same. There's a comfortable silence between them that An doesn't mind. She's content to let her mind wander lazily around the room, quietly reveling in the atmosphere. It's nice. It's comfortable. Akito isn't pushing her to talk about it, instead choosing to let her speak her mind whenever she feels safe doing so.

Outside, a helicopter whirrs away into the night. An waits until the sound of its rotors fade out, and tries to voice her thoughts again.

"You know....I thought that if I practice hard enough, I'll be fine. I'll be able to stay on the same level as everyone. I thought that if I put in twice the effort, even thrice, everything will be fine. But, I...."

"But real life isn't as kind?" Akito smiles half bitterly at her. He sighs and leans against her bed. before speaking up again.

"I can promise you this though, An. I can promise that none of us are going to leave you alone."

An wants to deny it. To laugh it off, to gloss over it, maybe. But she knows he's got her square in his sights. She knows that he understands - probably better than anyone - what she's wrestling with. What she's so scared of talking about, what she's aggressively avoided thinking about for the past. Two weeks or so? Probably longer than that, if she were to be honest. But what of it? An feels like if she ever were to voice it, people would just laugh it off, saying that maybe An is just tired and she can just sleep it off or something. But she's terrified. She's terrified that one day, she'll wake up and no one will be around for her. Maybe she'll wake up one day and the rest of VBS have decided to move forward without her. Maybe it'll be her Dad this time. Maybe, maybe, maybe-

"Hey." Akito gently shakes her. An blinks. She didn't even notice that he has sidled up closer to her, and is eyeing her with gentle worry. "An. I know that look. Talk to me."

She opens and then closes her mouth. She tries again. Words aren't coming out. She feels like she's going to cry if she keeps trying to speak. Since when was she breathing harder than normal? 

"....Hey, hey. I've got you." Akito scoots a bit closer and opens his arms wide, a silent question for permission. She nods. "I've got you. We've got you."

It's warm. She's used to giving out hugs unquestioningly, without ever expecting anything back, but it's still weird to get hugs from anyone, especially from Akito. She shakily, clumsily brings up her arms, and returns it. Akito turns out to be surprisingly good at giving hugs - it's grounding her, and slowly, very slowly her breathing stabilizes. She hiccups a tear away. She wants to yell, to scream, even just to whisper those four words. 

Please don't leave me.

It never came out, but Akito seems to understand anyway, and he doesn't let up on the hug. Calloused hands gently and softly make circles on her back. She's here. They're here. Everything else is fuzzy. 

I'm not going anywhere.

Eventually, after what feels like an eternity, her sobs subside. 

She smiles tiredly at Akito, who's now let her free. He glances at his smartphone.

"Would you look at that? Just in time. They're coming up soon, so I'll let them have their turn talking to you, okay? I think I've had enough for a month."

An laughs quietly at that. Akito smiles as well. He seems relieved now that she is smiling again, and stands up stretching. She softly puts a hand on his.

"Thanks, Akito. I appreciate it."

"Euurrggghh. Mushy. Get away from me." He whines, pulling away from her.

"The effect isn't the same if you're still smiling, you know."

He shakes his head fondly and heads for the exit.

"Don't make Toya cry, okay?"

An smiles. "Mmmm. I'll try."

"Don't try, just don't do it in first place???" He shot back before closing the door. From this side, she can hear some murmured whispers between her groupmates.