A lone star
An stares. And stares some more. She feels like the entire club, like her, is glued to the figure on stage. She's bright, and sports lopsided pigtails. She's wearing a cap backwards, despite her complaints of how the stage light blinds her every time. She.....
"Ahaha...you sound like Nagi-san." An chuckles disbelievingly, before she manages to catch the words tumbling out of her mouth. Too late.
Distantly, she can feel that a cold sweat has begun to form. She can feel herself shaking, as she grips her left arm roughly, in an attempt to quell it. It's fine. You're fine, An tells herself. You're just surprised in a good way at how good Kohane is sounding right now! She's grown so much in such a short time! That's great for her, and for Vivid Bad Squad!
Everything is fine.
Her stomach is in knots, like she's eaten something exceptionally bad for lunch. An knows that that is factually false: Dad gave them his special yakisoba, which they all practically inhaled in a matter of minutes. She forcefully swallows it down and tries tapping her fingers to the beat of the song. It's not helping much this time.
And so An stood there, rooted to the spot. amidst the vocals that fluttered through the entire venue with a quality that only Kohane and Nagi possess, before finally gently settling down into the deepest recess of the ever growing pit in her center. She's not quite sure what she's afraid of, but she should be happy for Kohane and for their squad instead of feeling the pinpricks of tears that are now threatening to fall.
Maybe she's just feeling overwhelmed by her partner's talents that are now oh so openly blooming on that stage. That surely must be it. Maybe the music, and Kohane's talents along with it, will deafen out whatever it is that is happening to her.
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They decide to throw a party after the show. Rightfully deserved, because An swears the live house was about to get raided (again) by the cops for a noise complaint, with the way it shook from everyone's deafening cheers and roars as soon as Kohane finished her solo. An smiles and grins and laughs along with everyone, as they stumble into her room on top of WEEKEND GARAGE. It's like she's there, but not really there. She feels like she's on auto pilot mode, hugging Kohane like she was supposed to, high fiving Akito like she was supposed to, giving Touya a slap in the back like she was supposed to. They sit down in a circle in her bedroom above the cafe, and as they chatter about everything and nothing, An slowly relaxes more and more. She smiles. This is nice. She doesn't has to think too hard. It's easy to be with them. Natural to be with Kohane, of course, but also comfortable to be around Touya. And annoyingly enough, it is reassuring to be around Akito. Even if it's Akito. It's like they have done this countless times before, and will do it countless times from now on. She hopes that the feeling will hold.
As An and Akito argues about where they should have their next show and how best to bribe the venue host, Touya fishes out a plastic bag from his backpack and holds them out towards the group.
"Arata handed me something after the show - I think they're some kind of soft drinks? I've never had one."
"Touya", Akito begins levelly as he and An leans over and peers into the plastic bag. "Please tell me Arata knows we are underage."
Touya slowly blinks. He's trying to understand what Akito is implying to little success.
"Aoyagi-kun...." Kohane pips up unhelpfully "I don't think we are allowed to drink these."
Instead of explaining to Touya, who is looking more and more lost by the minute, they all collectively decide to stare at the colorful cans instead. A can lying sideways inside the white bag advertises in bold letters that it only has 3% alcohol, and while that is a small percentage, it is still three percent more alcohol than any of them have ever had in their entire life. There's a plethora of different flavors, ranging from basic and safe flavors to the more experimental variants.
"What should we do with them?" Kohane cautiously pokes one of the cans. An and Akito are now taking them out of the bag and lining them up (only to examine them better, of course).
"Well," Akito begins, "we can throw them out. Or," he hastily amends, at Kohane's grimace of the prospect of wasting food, "we can give them to Ken. He can always serve them at the bar?"
An suddenly feels very, very tempted to do something stupid. After all, she reasons, if this (she isn't sure what this entails, but she's not particularly feeling like teasing out her feelings at the moment) might not last, she might as well make a lot of memories, right?
Before the more reasonable (but still not entirely that reasonable, Akito would say) part of her can protest, An grabs a blue and yellow can and pops it open. Everyone turns around just in time to see her take a large swig from the can.
"It tastes more salty than I thought it would", An muses out loud, squinting at the can. She looks up and flashes Kohane a grin as she looks at her with a I-can't-believe-you-just-did-that-An-chan expression that she gives her every so often. "You guys can just sleep over again if you guys want. As long as we're relatively quiet, Dad won't find out. We did have a pretty good show tonight."
Or at least, Kohane and everyone did.
Akito reaches his hand into the plastic bag and picks out an orange and red can. "I can't believe we're doing this", he sighs and pops the can open. An whoops and hollers as he downs it, grimacing, and hands Kohane a peach-flavored one.
It all went downhill from there. As it turns out, Touya can definitely handle his liquor, and Akito most definitely cannot. An laughs as he stands up and tries to take himself to the toilet, only to trip over thin air and flumps head first into the ground. Kohane giggles at this. Well, she's giggling at everything that is happening, as well as anything An is babbling to her. She's not even quite sure what she's saying anymore, but it makes Kohane laugh, so she keeps chattering away. On the other side of her bedroom, Touya is looking at them (a silent plea for help), but she is too busy leaning into Kohane's touch. It feels soothing, like it's the only thing keeping her grounded in an increasingly wobbly and unstable world. As they giggle again for the umteempth time over nothing, she notes that Akito is now uselessly slumped over, mumbling something about how soft the plushie he's leaning on is. It isn't a plushie, unless plushies are Aoyagi Touya shaped and can turn beet red like Touya. She giggles at this newfound information. Kohane follows suit, and they too collapse into a pile on her bed. Since when were they on her bed? Oh well, whatever. The world is spinning out of control, much like her life and thoughts and feelings. At least Kohane is right there next to her this time.
"Kohaneeeee", she drawls, words slightly slurred together as she leans into Kohane. Their Kohane. Her Kohane. She smells like strawberry and peach, and An isn't sure if it's the alcohol or it's the shampoo Kohane likes to use, but Kohane is just. So bright. The way her cheeks flushes, the way she poorly attempts to stiffle her giggles, how she crinkles her eyes as she laughs at her silly jokes that nobody else even crack a smile at.
Kohane smiles patiently at her as she tries to sit up, gives up, and flops onto her lap. "I'm here, An-chan."
It took her way too long to string up a coherent answer. An feels light headed. She has definitely had too much too fast, and Kohane's lap is nice and warm and feels right. If it was hard to move before, it's even harder to move now.
In the corner of her eyes, she can spot Touya gently herding the orange pile in his arms towards the bedroom door. She tries to say something, and ends up settling for a wave that probably looks more like her flailing her arms around than anything coherent.
Somehow, the sight of Touya and Akito leaving the bedroom squeezes her heart tight. She's not sure why, but she wants them to stay. She wants Kohane to stay too. This is impossible to change currently anyway, because Kohane is busy being the best lap pillow a girl can ever ask for and thus most definitely cannot leave, which makes An feel a bit silly for even wanting to complain about it.
An blinks.
With startling clarity for someone currently dying on her own bed, An realizes what that feeling that has been nagging at her since the show is.
She doesn't want them to leave.
As he fumbles for the door handle, Touya turns around to ask something. He opens his mouth, and immediately stops when he sees her expression. An shifts uncomfortably. She's not exactly sure what kind of face she was wearing, but from the measured way he is looking at her, it can't be a good one. Maybe she looks way worse than how she's feeling? Like, she's no longer exactly feeling good, but she can't look that bad.
"Shiraishi-san", he begins gently, as he and Kohane shares a look. "Please get some rest. Azusawa, I'm going to take Akito to the bathroom. We'll be back, okay? Can you make sure she gets some water in her?"
And with that, they were gone. Distantly, she can hear Akito complaining that he's fine, just a little dizzy, but he can perfectly go to the bathroom by himself. Yeah right. He couldn't even stand up straight on his own two legs. The last thing she wants to do is clean up after him if something happens, so it's probably best that Touya is accompanying him.
Kohane shifts, and her attention snaps back to her. Kohane looks down at her and pats her cheeks gently. She didn't realize it until now, but oh wow, she is burning up, and Kohane feels so soft and cool to the touch. How much alcohol have she had? She leans into her palm, and feels herself choking up. She's not sure of why anymore. She's feeling too much and it's hard to pinpoint down and name an exact emotion within that torrential wave that is threatening to bury her whole.
"An-chan", Kohane whispers to her. "I'm going to go downstairs and grab water for both of us. Can you handle being alone for a minute?"
Alone.
She doesn't want to be alone.
An shakes her head. She feels sluggish, like she is moving in water. She opens her mouth, but nothing came out. Kohane is right - her mouth is dry, and she can most definitely use some hydration, but somehow, the thought of being alone right now scares her. She shivers at the thought of being alone in her room that suddenly feels way too big and way too empty, despite the plethora of posters and stickers and musical sheets that populate the room over the years. Years of singing alone, of performing alone, of searching for the right partners alone come rushing back to her.
She tries again.
"Please stay."
An grits her teeth. Thats not quite what she wants to say. One more try.
"I want to stay." She whispers weakly. Please let me stay. The latter phrase goes unsaid, but An hopes the way she is desperately tugging on Kohane's sleeve expresses it. She doesn't want to say it out loud, because vocalizing it is making a fear that has been living in her heart for what feels like an eternity tangible and real. It'll be nice if all that is in her heart is awe and affection for Kohane and Akito and Touya - she doesn't need anything else poisoning those feelings. She doesn't want to feel jealousy, doesn't want to think any more about whether or not she is going to be able to stay by their side, doesn't wanna think about how one day they might leave her because she isn't good enough, because she can't catch up to their progress no matter how hard she tries, because-
Kohana pauses, and scans her face carefully. Attentive and caring, just like she always is to everyone around her. She frowns, and gently pats An's head again.
"I'm not going anywhere, An-chan. It'll just be a quick trip downstairs."
But will you? Or will you leave me in the end?
Something inside her wells up, and it hurts. An hates herself. She feels herself spiraling again, back into that cycle of self-hate and fear and selfishness. She feels unworthy to stand next to Kohane. She wants to sing forever with her. She hates that Akito can see her try so hard. She wants to help him as much as she can, whether it is with singing or anything else. She wants Touya to look at her and only her with those gentle blue eyes, crinkled with his soft smile. She wants to keep trying out new things with her, with the small look of wonder and amazement he always has in his face whenever they do. She blinks, and she realizes that she's softly crying.
An has to- she has to go. She has to go wash her face, or something. She doesn't want Kohane to see her like this. She tries to get up and stumbles. She can't feel her legs, like they're suddenly gone, cut off from the rest of her body. A soft but firm pair of hands reaches out and catches her.
"An-chan."
An chuckles hollowly. For all the bravado she thought she had, all her false confidence cultivated through a lifetime of self assurances and compliments placed on her by people on Vivid Street just because she is Ken's daughter, she sure feels fragile right now. Like she's going to collapse right then and there, and finally have one of those dreaded breakdowns that she's been trying so, so hard to run away from. That's not her. That can't be her. She's headstrong and sure of herself. She's not weak. She can't be weak.
Kohane's soft, soft, soft hair was the last thing that filled her vision before she succumbed to the heat. And she feels so weak to it.
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