Recap
“Okay” Tony came to the back of the jet where Clint sat next to Bucky’s cot quietly talking to him.
“According to Jarvis we’ve an eight-hour flight in front of us now. Do you guys need anything? I can a second cot for you, Clint.”
“Aw this would be nice Tony, thank you!”
Steve had told Peter to leave them alone for a moment that Bucky could recover from his last episode. He quietly lay in Clint’s arms covered in a blanket just listening to the calming voice of his boyfriend.
Two hours passed like this, then Tony came by and rose to speak.
“I’m really sorry to interrupt you but we need to call Shuri now. She said she needs to know any details you can give us about what happened.” He looked at Bucky. “You think you can do that?”
“’guess so...” He murmured and sat up. Seconds later Shuri’s hologram appeared over Tony’s tablet.
“Hey y’all” She greeted them.
“Tony’s already told us that you needa know everything I can remember, right?” Bucky asked, his voice was still raspy.
Shuri nodded and gave him a look of commiseration.
“Anything you can give me makes it easier for me to get the measure of what you are going through and what exactly we can do once you arrived.”
“Okay...” Bucky hesitated, and Clint interlaced their fingers gently squeezing his boyfriend’s hand what made Bucky smile faintly.
“So... uh I remember that I had one of my worst nightmares… Uh- it… it was late, and Clint was still out on this meeting with Nat, Wanda and Bruce. So, after I woke up from that dream, I went into the bathroom cooling my face to get a clear brain again. And uhm... as I got back to our bedroom, I saw ma phone ringing. Well, at first, I decided to ignore it cuz, you know, it was in the middle of the night and I saw it wasn’t Clint’s number or anyone else’s I care about – in fact it only said ‘anonymous’. But it didn’t stop so when I answered the phone, for a few seconds I heard nothing but somebody breathing, and I was just about to hang up but then-“
He shakily exhaled.
“They- uh… they said the trigger words...”
Bucky’s voice broke, while Steve’s jaw dropped, Tony only stared at him and Shuri turned away for a moment to give Bucky some time to compose himself. Clint pulled him into a hug and Bucky pressed his face into his shoulder avoiding crying again.
“But how can they know?” Tony blurted out.
Bucky looked at him, completely helpless while his eyes were swimming in tears.
“I dunno…” He whispered.
“It’s okay babe, just go on when you’re ready.” Clint whispered in his ear and Bucky squeezed his hand in response.
Can you hold my hand the entire time they pump me? He tapped in Morse code into his boyfriend’s palm, hidden from the other’s eyes.
Of course! Clint tapped back.
“Okay...” Bucky turned to Shuri again and went on.
“After that I don’t remember every detail... I remember that I threw the phone against the wall but couldn’t fully control my arm anymore and I dunno… I think my mind was switching between me and... you know… him, because they didn’t say the triggers till the end. I was half aware of where I was and what I was doin’ but the other 50 percent of me were a mess of the worst flashbacks I ever had and... ah- it’s so hard to describe. It felt like I was stuck in that switch from me to him. I wasn’t entirely him, but I also wasn’t entirely me. I remember that I thought I that I have to get rid of him and the arm, but I didn’t know how. And at the same time there was a flood of sequences rushing past my mind’s eye and...”
Insecurely he glanced at Tony whose face had become a shade paler as he seemed to know what Buck was going to talk about.
“Tony... you- you don’t need to listen if you-“ Bucky mumbled under his breath, but Tony cut him off with shaking his head.
"Go ahead." He said curtly, although everyone saw that he was having difficulty preparing for what was about to come. Bucky took a deep breath.
“I saw a rush of how I killed all these people. I saw everyone, everyone they made me kill for them. Even fucking Kennedy. And it was so ... so real…”
Clint squeezed Bucky’s hand and stroke with his thumb over the back of it. He could see that Bucky was now heavily avoiding meeting Tony’s eye and his hand clenched up a little.
“It was so real like I was back there. I’ve never had a flashback of such an intensity. I was even hearing what they were saying. Their begs. Everything. And I saw scenes from the Red Room when I had to keep a close watch on the Black Widows and how cruel they were treated. But there was nothing I could do. With his mind-set I didn’t care about anything. I was emotionally numb. I was a machine. A thing. And between these scenes there were also some of how the wiped me. And this time I could really feel the pain. Thought I was dying. While all that happened, I have no idea what I did physically, like what I did in our apartment. I only know I screamed. I just wanted everything to stop. But at some point, Clint came home and somehow got me outta there...”
Shuri turned to Clint and silently entreated him to go on because no one was eager for saying something after what they’d just heard. And so, Clint told her everything from when he had entered their apartment and had found Bucky screaming in their bedroom up until Tony and Steve had picked them up. While he was talking Bucky could see Steve squeezing Tony’s hand but didn’t dare to lift his head to get a sight of Tony’s face. The guilt he had to carry with him as long as he lived and probably beyond threatened to crush him and he just wanted all of this to be over.
Then after further discussions that seemed endless Shuri thanked him and the others and said they’d prepare everything for their arrival and the following surgery.
Exhaustedly Bucky sank against Clint’s chest and with a subtle gesture his boyfriend indicated to the others to give Bucky some space.
“How are you feelin’?”
Bucky buried his face between his palms.
“Like shit. I’m so done…” he sighed. “I can’t even feel ashamed of causing you all so much trouble… I- uh… I’m afraid to fall sleep, Clint.” He admitted. “The last thing I need right now are fucking nightmares.”
“We can just lay down and cuddle if you’re comfortable with that.”
Bucky straightened up a little and kissed Clint.
“I dunno how to thank you for all of this.” He murmured against his lips.
Under usual circumstances Clint probably would’ve grinned responded something like “I’m ya boyfriend, what else did ya expect, moron?” But the circumstances weren’t normal, and he felt that Bucky really meant it.