Nightmares
There were seven missed calls from Simone as Clint unlocked up his phone after the meeting ended. His heartbeat increased. Usually, she didn’t call more than three times in a row when he didn’t pick up. But seven times…
He dialled her number and her voice appeared at the end of the line immediately.
Before he could even ask, she said: “Clint you have to come home. Now! Bucky is screaming his head off and I don’t know what to do. I tried getting into your apartment but-“
“Do not go in there you hear me?” These words sounded harsher that he intended. “Sorry Simone, don’t hold this against me it’s just- you don’t know what he’s capable off when he has flashbacks…”
“Well, considering the noise coming from your bedroom he has a hell of a flashback. I’m serious Clint you needa get over here now. I’m fucking scared he hurts himself.”
“Shit, ok I’m almost there, listen...” While Clint talked to Simone, he caught Nats worried look and signed what he just had been told. Sometimes being able of multitasking like that was a true blessing. He hung up and went over Nat. He wished her good luck for her new mission, kissed her on the cheek and then hurried to his car.
Clint ran up the stairs so fast he probably never did in his life and nearly bumped into Simone who stood in front of their apartment door. She didn’t need to say anything, he could hear his boyfriend crying through the locked door. His hands were shaking.
“Simone, can you help me with the keys?”
Clint’s neighbour and (fucking awesome friend) took the keys and unlocked the door. The first thing he recognised was a light brown ball of fur that hurtled towards him and bounced against his legs at full tilt.
“Lucky!” Simone called in surprise as Clint stumbled a few steps back.
Lucky the pizza dog made such a distraught impression that Clint’s panic welled up even more, so he ordered Simone to watch Lucky and sprinted to the bedroom which’s door was splintered and unhinged. With tensed muscles and ready to fight Clint stepped over the threshold.
The room was a mess. And in the middle of that chaos was Bucky – laying on the floor surrounded by shattered glass and wood crying like shit and desperately trying to dig his fingers under the metal plates that were so irreversibly grown together with the flesh of his left shoulder.
“Bucky! Can you hear me?”
Cautiously Clint kneeled next to his boyfriend but was still not touching him. Even though he was internally hella frightened he forced himself to speak slow and calming.
“Bucky,” he tried again. “You know that name, right? It’s you. You are James Buchanan Bucky Barnes. And you are at home in New York. You are safe. You are not with Hydra. You are not with Zola. You’re not in 1945. I am your boyfriend, Clint Barton, you remember?”
Bucky flinched as he heard Clint’s name.
“Buck, can you give me your hands? Both of them? Remember, you are here with me. You are at home and you are safe. No one can hurt you. I won’t hurt you. You are having a flashback.”
Bucky stiffened and his hands remained in its position, but he didn’t fling himself back and forth anymore.
“Do you allow me to touch you?”
Clint asked and his boyfriend nodded barely visible. The archer took Bucky’s hand, the flesh and the metal one, in his own and stroke his thumbs over it. He searched for agreement in his boyfriend eyes and hunkered on the floor, pulling him into a careful but comforting hug.
They sat like that for a long time. And Bucky cried. The tears didn’t want to stop running and Clint hold him in his arms the entire time.
“It’s okay my love. It’s okay. I’m here. You are safe.” He whispered.
Bucky pressed himself against his boyfriend’s chest.
“Clint, I-“
But the words wouldn’t come out as he was shaken by new sobs and new tears ran out of his eyes. What he just had seen was too horrifying to be put into words. Every time he closed his eyes the sequences rushed through his mind over and over again. He just couldn’t escape them. He would never be able to escape them, his past or what he had done.
“I need to see Shuri again.”
This confession was whispered so quietly that it took Clint a few moments to understand what Bucky had said. His boyfriend lifted his head and directly looked into Clint’s blue eyes.
“I need her. I have to get rid of it. Of all of it.”
“Of what, babe?” Clint cautiously felt his way.
“Of him, of these thoughts, this… this arm!”
Bucky spat out the word “arm” with so much disgust in a way Clint had never heard it before. He tried to take the metal hand between his palms, but Bucky instantly pulled it back.
“Don’t!”
“Buck, what is it? What did just happen?”
Bucky frowned and all of a sudden his voice was firm and rancorous: “I killed people with this, Clint! I choked them to death! I squeezed their life out of their lungs and snapped their necks with my bare hands, as if they were nothing but mockingbirds. I shot people, I strangled people, I stabbed them, watched them being tortured, I beat them to death. You have no idea of how it feels like when your mind is split in two and while one half is murdering its way through human history and killing bearers of hope like fucking Kennedy the other one is left behind. Its job is to observe, to perceive, to endure but never to act. It sees all the cruel things the other half is doing but the two halves are separated through a big wall of glass. And no matter how loud and desperate the second half is screaming that it can’t take it anymore, that it’s too much, that the other half should stop, its calls never come to the surface of the killer machines mind, that I was for 72 years! I murdered the parents of my best friends’ husband!”
Bucky hurled the last sentence at him.
Clint sat there and was shocked at what he had just heard. As long as they knew each other he had never heard Bucky telling it in such detail how it had been, being the Winter Soldier.
He didn’t know what to say. As he looked up, he saw Bucky’s eyes filling with tears again.
“Clint… I am a monster. How can you even endure having me around you?”
“Listen to me.” Clint gently cupped Bucky’s face. “I know right now it’s hard to believe but you are not a monster. You are everything I ever wished for. You are an incredible wonderful man and I love you from the bottom of my heart and this won’t change by whatever may come, okay?”
He pulled Bucky’s shaking body in his strong arms again and stroke through the long brown strands of hair.
“I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this…” Bucky mumbled while tears ran from his eyes on Clint’s neck into his t-shirt.
“Shh... It’s okay, babe. I call Tony ‘n Steve now. They can bring us to Shuri. Do you think you can sit like that while I call them?”
Bucky wiped his eyes with the hem of his tank top and leaned against the bed frame. Clint stroked over his back and dialled the landline number. Tony must have programmed Jarvis as answering machine because his voice appeared at the other end of the phone line.
“Unfortunately, Mr. Stark, Mr. Rogers and Mr. Parker are currently not available in person. If you would like to leave a message-“
“Hey, Jarvis this is Clint. Clint Barton. Could you please wake Tony and Steve up? It’s an emergency!”
“I don’t want to be impolite Sir, but Mr. Stark and Mr. Rogers don’t wish to be disturbed at half past two in the morning and Mr. Parker isn’t allowed to answer calls at this time of day-“
“Listen!” Clint growled. “I’m gonna make Tony have a hot and passionate affair with Siri if you don’t do as I tell you. So please: Wake. Them. The Fuck. Up!”
“One moment, Sir.”
Clint frowned and mumbled quiet insults under his breath. Bucky looked at him questioningly.
“Jarvis this little diva refused to wake them up so-“
Tony’s sleepy voice appeared. “The diva’s creator is speaking. What happened? Jarvis said it’s an emergency?”
“Hey Tony. Well uh, yeah it is. Bucky had a very heavy flashback and he needs to see Shuri again as soon as possible. Apparently the first deprogramming didn’t fully work out as it should. Could you make that happen? We could come over and borrow the Quinjet...” He suggested.
“No, you stay where you are.” Tony instructed. “Steve and I come over in the jet. We fly you out directly to Wakanda. We can’t land on the rooftop of yours, can we?”
Clint thought on it.
“Nah, there ain’t enough space.”
“Alright, it doesn’t matter. Then we’ll hover next to it, so you can enter the jet safely. Give us half an hour and we stand in front of your door. Do you need anything else? Does Barnes need anything else?”
“No, we’re stable here so far. Thank you, man. Tony, you are the best!”
“Of course, I am...” Clint could hear Tony smirk through the receiver.
“We talk about everything else when we're in the jet.”
"Okay, thank you, see you then." Clint responded and hung up. From the corner of his eye he saw Bucky’s metal hand clenching into the bedpost. His face was now nearly as pale as the wall behind them.
“Fuck, Clint...”, Bucky whispered. “I- uh... I think I needa vomit.”
Clint got up immediately.
“Can you make it to the bathroom?”
A vaguely nod sufficed as an answer. They headed to the bathroom and Clint tilt up the toilet lid just in time as Bucky fell on his knees and threw up. He grabbed a hair tie that lay around and tied Bucky’s hair into a quick ponytail. Bucky choked and coughed digging his fingers into the lavatory seat while Clint couldn’t do anything but slowly stroke his back and remind him to breathe. Bucky gagged and simultaneously started to cry again what only lead to him choking even more.
“Fuck!” He sobbed and his whole body was shaking.
“Shhhh. It’s okay love. Breathe. Breathe, Buck, breathe. In and out. That’s right. Shhhh. It’s okay, I’m here.” Clint whispered.
A few more minutes passed by until Bucky exhaustedly leaned against Clint’s chest which seemed to be the signal that there was nothing of their previous dinner left in his stomach. Clint flushed the toilet and handed Bucky some tissues so he could wipe his mouth. He tugged him into a loving hug and slowly rocked Bucky in his arms that he could calm down. Bucky felt boneless, numb and exhausted. He shuddered.
“Oh my god... that was... disgusting. And weird. I think I haven’t thrown up since before the war.” Bucky glanced up to Clint who had begun to slowly massage his neck to make him more relax.
“What do you need? What can I do love?” Clint asked.
“I feel… filthy...”
“You wanna to take a shower?”
“Yeah... but... uh- I dunno if I can stand on my feet right now…”
“Shall I help you?”
“Yes, please...” Bucky murmured weakly.
“Okay. We’re gonna do this slowly and step by step. If you feel uncomfortable or that you need to throw up again tell me.” Clint said and helped his boyfriend to take a seat on the toilet lid.
“Arms above your head” he instructed and carefully took off Bucky’s tank top. Continuing this procedure, they undressed Bucky step by step until Clint wrapped one arm around him and guided him to the shower.
“Can you sit down while I undress myself?” He asked, and Bucky nodded.
Clint took his aids out and quickly stripped. Now being naked too, he stepped into the shower, turned on the water and waited until it had the right temperature. The archer crouched down next to Bucky and began to wash his hair, careful that no shampoo got in his eyes. Then he helped Bucky to stand up and lean against the wall while he was washing the rest of his body. When all the soap and lather were flushed away Bucky let his head sink on Clint’s shoulder and Clint gently hugged him. They stood in the shower just enjoying the physical closeness for a brief moment as the warm water rained down on them. Bucky tightened this grip and so did Clint in response.
He slowly tapped “Thank you" in Morse code on Clint’s back and drew a heart next to it whereupon Clint smiled gently and kissed him on the cheek.
“Of course, love ♡” He tapped back and could feel Bucky pressing his forehead into the crook of his neck as a silent answer.
After they got out of the shower Clint wrapped Bucky in the fluffiest bath robe they owned and cautiously combed his hair that it would dry faster. He dried himself and Bucky continued combing while sitting on the toilet lid again.
I know you prefer to let your hair dry on air, but I think we needa blow-dry it now. We don’t have that much time left till they’re here. Clint signed, and Bucky nodded with agreement.
How long till they’re here? He asked.
15 minutes maybe... you just take a seat on the sofa when we’re done here and I’ma pack our stuff and ask Simone if she can take Lucky for a while, okay?
Still sitting Bucky wrapped his arms around Clint’s waist and snuggled his head against the archer’s belly.
“God, I love you so much!” He murmured even though Clint couldn’t hear him at the moment. The archer stroke through the long, wet hair, down Bucky’s back and slowly massaged his neck and shoulders.
Bucky relaxed but then Clint gently squirmed himself out of the hug and put his aids back in.
He kissed Bucky on the head.
“Buck, as much as I want to continue this – I don’t wanna get us in a hurry.”
Therefore, Clint blow-dried Bucky’s hair, then helped him to get dressed, steered his boyfriend into the living room and made him sit on the couch wrapped up in blankets.
“You’re comfortable?” He asked.
“Yeah.” Bucky whispered and slightly had to smiled as Lucky crawled onto his lap and snuggled against him obviously searching for someone who could ruffle his fur.
Clint smiled, gave Bucky a peck and went to the bedroom to pack their stuff.