Alone

Peter was, yet again, laying on his sofa - Peter 1's sofa - , only this time, he was fully clothed and completely healed (although the others didn't seem to necessarily agree with that last bit).

He was alone in the apartment, not so different from how it would have been back in his universe - but, here, he was expecting someone. Actually, he was expecting two people to return home.

He'd probably stated 17 times in the last 2 days that he was perfectly capable of joining little Peter and big Peter on their patrol scheme. Both of them had arranged, before Peter's dramatic arrival, that they'd rotate patrol shifts between them, so that there wouldn't be two spidermen at the same time in NY - the city had gone through enough weird shit, Peter was starting to learn. This way, none of them got too exhausted or spent too much time alone.
When Peter fell off the building (or, to be fair, got pushed off the building), kid Pete was on patrol.

Now, Peter felt a little left out. He wanted to put the suit back on (although, he'd need to sew a new one) and make himself useful. But the boys wouldn't allow him out until he was 100% fit for it.
In some corner of Peter's stubborn mind, he softened at the thought of their concern for his well being.

Peter's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of movement from outside of the apartment.

"Rent?" He heard a man's voice coming from the hallway, probably the landlord, as someone fiddled with keys.

"Sorry sir, not today" Peter 1 rushed in, quickly closing the door behind him to avoid a conversation.

"Parker!" They heard him yell. "You can't escape forever. Sooner or later you'll have to pay me, or you'll find somewhere else to live!"

They could hear the man sigh and march away, heavy steps against the old wooden floors.

"Er, sorry about that." the boy scratched the back of his head, cheeks slightly blushed. He approached Peter, deftly dodging books on the floor, balancing two cups in one hand. "Coffee?"

"Thanks" Peter said, reaching out to grab a cup. His shoulder flinched a little with it, a flash of pain reaching through his back, and he - not so elegantly - bit his tongue to hold back a groan. He hoped Peter 1 didn't notice, but the boy seemed to frown a little, leaning over to hand the cup a bit closer to him.
"My landlord is exactly like that. Perks of being Peter Parker, I guess" he exhaled.

The boy chuckled in response and Peter felt like he'd scored a point or something. He sat down next to him on the couch, and took a sip of his beverage. Peter could read the words "WE ARE HAPPY TO SERVE YOU" printed in yellow ink on the paper cup.

"You think all Peter Parkers are broke like us?" The younger one asked.

"Hey, what makes you think I'm broke?" He answered seriously, to which the boy arched his eyebrows. "Kidding. I'm pretty sure we're all broke. Character building and all."

"Geez, I've got enough character building. Remind me to ask Two, when he gets back from patrol, if we ever get out of this shithole apartment and make a fine living." he complained, although his tone was light.

Peter chuckled. Talking to this short version of himself was so nice and easy, after so much time alone.

"I don't mind it, you know. The lack of money, I mean. There are worse bits to being who we are" he didn't mean to, but the last phrase came out dark, and he regretted saying it the moment it came out of his mouth - if the mood in the room was light and brotherly before, it now felt like a giant dark cloud had formed in the middle of the living room.

"I guess you're right." Short Peter's eyes darkened and he dropped his shoulders a little.

Peter cursed himself for being such a social disaster. So nice and easy, right?

"Pete, I'm, uh, really sorry about your aunt May… and your friends. And about the world forgetting who you are. It sucks and you don't deserve it." the words needed to be said at least once, he considered.

The boy glanced up at Peter, a kind look on his face.

"That's, uh- yeah. Yeah, thanks." He shifted his position on the couch, and now they were almost face to face. Something in his expression made Peter apprehensive for some reason. "So, uh. What happened that day? Why didn't you stop yourself from falling?"

Oh, and there it is. No escaping now.

"Oh, I don't know, I guess a glitch in the web shooters? It was all so fast and I don't really remember much..." he rambled, eyes fixed on his knees, away from the boy's dissecting look.

It didn't take Peter his sixth sense to perceive that his younger self hadn't bought his excuse. He had a bittersweet smile on his face when Peter glanced towards him, eyes suddenly fixed on the cup he was holding.

"You know… This was all probably for the best. I mean - that people forgot me. It's just better this way. Ever since I got bit by that spider… People have gotten hurt. And I know that what I have is a gift, and I've helped a lot of people with it, too. But I wonder if they would need help in the first place if it wasn't for me."

Peter wasn't sure where this was going, so he just nodded. He could actually relate to what he was hearing in more ways than he'd like to admit. The younger man continued:

"I didn't really know my uncle Ben as well as you and Two knew yours. He was off the picture almost my entire life, and I can't remember a thing about my parents. But a while after I got my powers, I had a mentor. He was… Like a father to me. Showed up to me when I desperately needed a parent, and it's not like May wasn't enough - she'll always be enough, but it was so nice to have a d-...dad. I died in his arms." Peter arched an eyebrow at that, thinking the younger one was getting pretty real on those metaphors, when he added: "No, literally. I died - dusted off. Something to do with the alien I was telling you about. I came back five years later, which, to me, felt like just a couple of seconds, and then he died in front of me right after."

Peter felt his chin drop a little. When he didn't answer, the boy continued:

"So, after he passed, I trusted the wrong person - there was this really nice man who I thought I could lean on, who could maybe fill a bit of the void left by my mentor, and he turned out to be awful, and I just really messed things up, because I'm always so fucking needy." The curse sounded wrong coming out of his lips, like the words carried a hatred and an anger that didn't quite fit him. "Everything that followed is just a gigantic shitstorm that I brought into my life trying to fix my mistakes. Except for you and Two, of course, but you're unfortunately part of it. Every time I try to do the right thing, I just dig deeper into it. It got May… k-killed. I got May killed."

His voice failed and he looked up from his cup, not so innocent watery brown eyes suddenly gazing right into Peter's eyes.
The look they shared was so intense, that Peter felt the urge to look away again, maybe even run away, jump out of the window and swing somewhere he didn't have to face his younger self's pain - but he couldn't.

"Peter that's… That's not your fault. C'mon, you know that."

"Like you knew it wasn't your fault when you couldn't save your MJ?"

Whoah.

"I, uh- … How do you-" Peter rambled, he was caught so off guard that he dropped his coffee.

"I am you. You are me. People around us die, and it's our fault. I know we can't be alone, we dig ourselves into the loneliness, it consumes us. Everything we touch perishes, rottens, dies. That's what you think, isn't it?"

"I…" Peter felt like a soldier during a bombing - nowhere to hide, exposed in plain sight.

"Do you know what I was doing when Two showed up on my doorstep?" The boy sounded upset, angry - Peter flinched away a little. The only thing that kept him from running away was a hint of hurt in his voice. "I tried to make myself bleed out from a couple of bullets that I didn't dodge."
Shocked silence followed. He tried to let the words sink in, mind in a haze. "I just wanted it all to go away, I-.. wanted to escape, just vanish from existence again and let the universe move on without me. I think it would be a lot better if Two hadn't saved me, don't you agree?"

"No! Oh my God, no, Pete - it's… Shit, thank God Two was there-"

"So tell me… Why do you think that you deserved it - when you didn't stop yourself from falling, but I didn't deserve to bleed out, if we are both the same person? Why do you think that the deaths of my loved ones aren't my fault, and the deaths of your loved ones, have you to blame?"

Silence.

Peter felt tears attempt to stream down his face and blinked several times, wondering if he was hearing correctly. His face felt suddenly very hot - shock and shame prevented him from speaking a word.

"Look, Pete." The boy took Peter's trembling hands into his own. "I'm so sorry about the tough love. But you need to understand that letting yourself get hurt isn't helping anybody." His eyes were pleading, but the grip on his hands was firm, and Peter clung to it like it was a rock in the middle of the ocean. "We know your wounds aren't just from that crash, you look like you've been a punching bag for weeks. And I'm smart enough to know that you hit the ground on purpose. Peter, listen - you don't deserve this pain. You are so, so worthy. You're a good person, just look at me, do you think I'm bad? I'm you. We are different in our own ways but we're essentially the same. And you are not alone. We're all going through the same thing."

Peter's whole body was shaking now. He didn't bother to try and stop the tears anymore. Everything he'd been holding back for months was suddenly exploding out of him. You are not alone.

"I know it's easy for me to say" he continued, still sustaining the look. "I was mad at you for trying to take your life, without considering how me and Two would feel… And yet, I tried to do the same. I regret it so badly, looking at you and Two now. I was in a really bad place, like you are right now. I realize that I failed you - when you told us that you loved us, and I didn't say it back - I didn't realize then that I did love you, and that you needed to hear it. My mind was elsewhere. I guess you're just better at this than me and Two. But we are here now. As long as you're both around, I have people that I love to fight for and to live for."

Peter disentangled his hands from the boy's and threw himself into a desperate embrace. He didn't even bother to hide the grunt that followed the collision of their bodies - in fact, he hugged young Peter so hard, that he felt him gasp for air, burying his face in his neck. His entire body was shaking, but young Peters arms felt steadying around him.

"I'm sorry." he whimpered, the sound coming out muffled against his neck. He felt Pete's hands petting his hair. The touch was so overwhelming after so long without physical contact that he worried he might literally melt into Peter 1's embrace.

"You're okay. We are okay, shh -" he tried to calm Peter down. "Im so sorry that I didn't tell you before. I love you man, you're my brother, and I'm with you. Just… Just promise me you won't purposely get in the way of danger anymore. Please." His voice failed a little and Peter felt his embrace tighten around him.

The boy's tone was so thick in concern that, for the first time, Peter wondered how he felt when he rescued his body from the sidewalk. Just thinking about what Two had gone through, seeing young Peter shot, bloodied, wishing for death... a shiver ran down his spine.

"I promise." he whispered, still glued to Peter 1, shame and guilt mixing at his core. He felt the boy's shoulders relax at the words, tension dissipating from the muscles. "Just… don't leave. I mean - let me stay… Just for a while." Peter felt ridiculous asking that, but the thought of being alone again frightened him.

"As long as you need, brother." The younger one sniffed, lifting a hand from Peter's hair to wipe a tear from his own face. "Not like I have an interdimensional portal for you to walk through anyway… You're stuck here."

Peter let out a loud laugh at that. He pulled away a little, just enough to look into his face. His eyes were swollen and watery - Peter recognised a familiar sadness behind them, but his lips exhibited a youthful smile.

"Thank you." He said. "You gotta… Not get hurt too, yeah? It's not fair if it's just me making promises. You did try to do the same thing as I did."

The boy chuckled.
"Yeah man, okay. I promise. Two made me promise too. I have to say, though, he'll probably make you promise him the same thing. He is crazy worried about you."

"Oh, well, alright then. What about him? Does he get to go on without promising us anything? Is he like the ultimate version of Peter Parker, who's been through it all and has nothing more to learn?"

"Whaaat. Obviously not. Peter Parker's always gonna have character building to go through, right?" He laughed ironically.

"Oh, okay, we're doomed then." Peter joined the laughter.

For the first time in what felt like a really long time, Peter looked forward to what was yet to come, knowing he wasn't alone.