Alone

Peter wasn't sure how long it had been since he'd crashed his way into another reality. Time seemed to pass differently in this universe - his memories mixed in his mind like they were a shuffled deck of cards. Flashes of him wounded after falling mixed with flashes of him crying into young Peter's neck, of eating Chinese takeout with them, of arguing about what they would watch on TV, of deciding to never turn the heat on again after Peter One's electricity bill came in - he wasn't sure what came before and what came after. It all felt like a crazy dream.

It didn't bother him nearly as much as it should, though - not a single one of the memories he had from this universe was one of loneliness, were they good or bad. He was never alone anymore. It was, actually, overwhelming at times, for he didn't know how to interact with his other versions - or with anyone, for that matter.

He'd never felt so self conscious in his life.

He thought that things would get really awkward between him and short Peter, after they poured their hearts out to each other - but they're little talk seemed to have brought the boy closer. Even though Peter One was a version of Peter, he wasn't nearly as socially awkward as he was - but he was just as touch starved. Peter realized that they'd now find themselves to be in physical contact almost all the time, even when they were sleeping. He actually slept on a pile of pillows on the floor (he'd arrived too late to the Peter Parker party, so both the couch and the bed were already taken), so he would literally shiver himself to sleep every night, in the harsh cold of the New York winter. But somehow, when he woke up in the morning, he was all warm and cozy - with Little Peter sprawled across his pillows, his legs thrown over Peter's, open mouth drooling and the sight of an empty bed beside them.

Two didn't seem to notice the physical proximity between them - or, he at least pretended not to - but Peter could see him glancing over and a little smile slipping past his lips when the two of them were entwined on the couch, concentrating on physics books about different dimensions and universes, or when Little Peter stretched his leg under the kitchen table, so that their feet would touch.

One night, they were all watching Star Wars: Episode VI, after a long day of patrol and studying - they were trying to come up with a solution for their multiversal problem - and, man, you'd be surprised to hear how tired one can be after thinking too hard.

The two younger men were splayed out on the sofa, Little Peter's legs thrown on top of Peter's and his hand stretched out to fiddle with Peter's curls - it took a lot of effort for him to not flinch away from that. It was one thing for him to hug his brothers at times, when it felt like the natural thing to do, but another thing entirely to relax at someone petting his hair like that. Caring touch had been so foreign to him, for so long, that, in his mind, he almost assumed all touch to be offensive. He had to actively remind himself he could relax.

Peter Two had been sitting on the floor right below them, with his head thrown back to rest on the sofa seat, legs stretched out like a rag doll and both hands resting on his lap. Peter noticed that, every now and then, he'd glance up, towards the cuddling on the couch, and his hand would rise a little, as if trying to reach out to them, but it would soon fall back to his lap.

He felt his heart tighten in his chest at the sight. He knew what Two was probably going through all too well. He was just lucky that Little Pete had chosen him to express all his affection - he could never have built intimacy like that by his own initiative - but he wished Two could feel some of that luck himself. He'd been alone like them too, after all.

Peter wasn't sure what hit him, but he absentmindedly reached out a hand towards Two's head, to run his fingers through his hair. He soon realized what he was doing - and what the actual hell? - so he held himself back midway. He wondered why was it so hard for him to touch his loved ones without overthinking it - maybe it just wasn't in the cards for him to be like One. That was One's love language, not his.

So what was his love language? How did he show love? He wasn't sure - he hadn't loved anyone other than the dead in a long time, except for May. His love language might even have once been one of touching and caressing as well, but if so, that was long gone and buried along with Gwen. He was sure that all the time he spent alone broke something inside him - his loneliness had started long before the universe forgot who he was.

He was suddenly pulled off his own thoughts by young Peter, who was excitedly poking him in the ribs.

What?, Peter mouthed, slightly annoyed, to which the boy responded silently pointing at Two, nodding his head with an encouraging smile on his lips.

Oh man. He'd seen Peter's utterly awkward attempt to reach out to Two.

He felt his cheeks turn very hot, and shook his head vehemently - hell no I'm not going to pet Two's hair - but the boy was about to say something aloud, and oh my God why is this happening - he quickly covered the younger one's mouth with his hand, trying very hard to be quiet.

Little Peter looked up at him, and with his mouth covered like that, his face was all huge brown puppy eyes, and that was just so not fair. Before he could make any noise and Two could notice, which would be excruciatingly embarrassing to explain, he let go of One and reluctantly reached out a shaking hand towards Two's hair, cautiously stroking it - he wanted to pull back immediately.

Startled at the sudden touch, Two's muscles tensed - he glanced up at the boys and back at the screen so fast that Peter wondered if he was imagining things - and then, before Peter could self implode or crawl into a hole in the ground never to see the light of day again, the man relaxed under his hand, giving in to the touch - Peter wasn't sure, but he almost felt Two's head leaning in towards him.

His heart was racing in his chest, but he focused his eyes back on the movie. It felt weird and unnatural, but he kept caressing Two's surprisingly soft hair - and if he noticed One smiling from ear to ear at them, he just ignored him, grabbing his fist with his free hand and placing it back on the back of his head - If Little Peter was going to teach him how to touch others again like that, then he better keep petting his hair as well.

xxx

Days had passed since that movie night (which, by the way, the older Peters seemed to curiously ignore ever happened) and Peter had finally convinced the others that he was fit to go out on patrol.

They weren't anywhere near solving the multiverse problem, and that's all he had been focusing on, since they wouldn't let him out. It's not like he was eager to return to his universe (and face the possibility of never seeing One and Two again), but the shadows under Two's eyes got darker by the day - he missed his life back in his reality, and it broke Peter's heart to see him like that and not be able to help. The frustration was starting to build up in his muscles - he really needed to swing through the city again.

So, after a few hours of swinging around and practicing little good deeds like the good Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman he was - and maybe getting a bit lost, due to, uh, different universes an all that - Peter was crouched on the top of his comfort spot in the city: the Empire State Building.

The chilly January wind sent shivers down his spine as he wished for a suit with a heating system, just like the one young Peter told him about. He still wondered if there was actually a suit with as much technology as the kid was bragging about, or if he was just messing with the older Peters. Either way, the three of them relied on home-sewed Spandex these days.

He looked down several meters below, at the few people still on the street this late at night, so far down that he couldn't distinguish they're faces, and an unexpected dizziness hit him. A flash of buildings racing around him broke into his mind without permission - he could hear the wind loud in his ears, as if he was falling all over again.

Startled, he fell backwards, hands splayed out on the icy concrete, chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Should I be worried we allowed you on patrols too soon?" He heard an amused voice coming from behind him.

He looked back, alarmed at first - he could still feel his heart slamming against his chest - and only then actually heard the words.

"Oh, it's just you - shit, don't surprise me like that." he gasped.

"You didn't hear me coming?" He heard Two ask, but the sound of the wind at that height was eerily similar to the sound of falling, of crashing, of breaking bones and agony and it was getting oh so loud and he couldn't hear anything else - "Whoah, Pete… you alright there?"

He tried to get up and assure Two that he was alright, he was obviously okay, but the world was spinning around him - he stumbled on his feet, and felt the older man steadying him by his shoulders.

"Be careful." the words sounded like meaningless letters thrown into the air. "Whoah, you're shaking so bad. Are you cold? What's going on, bud?"

He wanted to answer something - anything -, but instead of words, a gasp came out of his mouth and suddenly he was all bloodied on the concrete sidewalk and all the oxygen had vanished from his lungs, he tried to breathe - he fought to breathe - but the air felt warm and thick like oil in his nostrils.

He reached a trembling hand to pull his mask off, trying desperately to inhale - somehow he was on all fours on the floor now, and oh - he was gonna be sick -

"Peter? Hold on. Look at me." The voice sounded so calm and steady, but his whole body convulsed, and he was sure he was throwing up now. "It's okay, let it all out. That's right. C'mon buddy, let's sit down."

He felt his back against a wall, hands pushing him down - was he sitting now? - and even though it was supposed to be cold, heat waves shivered through his body and he was sweating, his heartbeat so loud and fast against his ears that he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he was sure he was going to have a heart attack, oh God he was dying, he was straight up going to die, right there, at that moment -

"Peter, look at me. You have to breathe. Take a deep breath with me."

"I can't, I- I don't wanna die -" he whined, hot tears blurring his sight as he felt himself implode from inside out.

"You're not going to die, Pete. I'm here with you."

"Y-You don't understand" his voice sounded high-pitched in his ears, "I'm having a heart attack!"

Waves of absolute terror washed over him - somewhere in his mind he knew that this fear might be excessive, unrealistic - but it felt so damn real that he couldn't make sense of it.

"Try and focus on me. We'll do this together, okay? Breathe in." - Peter tried to do as he said, throwing his head back and closing his eyes tight - "That's right, now breathe out. You're doing great. Let's keep going. Breathe in… Breathe out".

As much as he tried to follow the directions, he couldn't control himself - his breaths became ragged again, body shaking so intensely that Two thought he was convulsing.

"Oh God, I don't wanna go, please Peter I don't wanna go -" he whimpered, the fear of certain death so overwhelming, that he fisted tightly into Two's suit.

"Ok, ok - Uh… think, Peter!" Two murmured - his voice sounded uneven for a second, but he quickly recomposed himself. "Ok, listen to me. Let's play a game, what do you think? I'll start. " Peter focused all his efforts in listening close to his voice. "I'll name something I can see around us. I see... I see the new Statue of Liberty from here. Remember that? We kicked some ass there, it was pretty cool. Now you name something that you can see."

He opened his eyes and tried to get himself to see.

"I see… I see y-you… " his voice failed, but in the effort of focusing on what his eyes could reach, he got momentarily distracted from the havoc in his mind.

"That's great! Yeah, I'm here. Tell me something else you see."

"There's, uh… The moon." He loosened his grip to Two's suit. "And… C-city lights. My hands. River… "

He kept naming random things in his sight, unsure for how long, until eventually the ringing in his ears became bearable and he could breathe without actively forcing himself to.

He just sat there, feeling exhausted, with his head leaning against the wall, the cold air in his face and Two crouched beside him, for God knows how long - a few shy rays of sun were already becoming distinguishable in the horizon.

Eventually, he couldn't stand Two's penetrating stare anymore.

"If you frown at me for another second, I think your face is going to be permanently twisted like that." he exhaled, avoiding the man's eyes.

Two chuckled in response, but didn't say anything.

"This is awkward. I'm sorry." He continued. The silence had been so utterly uncomfortable, that he felt the urge to fill it. "It's already time for your patrol shift, huh? T-thanks for coming to let me know, I would've just kept it going, you know, but I guess you deserve your Spiderman time too - by the way, how did you know where to find me? Wait - don't answer that, I already know - just like that day when we went to the building MJ told us about, to meet Little Peter, I remember. Sorry, that was stupid question, I keep doing that and I don't know why, and I should probably not bring up MJ, even if it's just One's MJ, and- "

"Peter." Two interrupted the uncontrollable ramble with that annoyingly calm voice of his. How did he do that?

"Y-yes?"

"Look at me."

Peter didn't respond immediately. He bit his tongue trying to contain himself, and blinked a couple of times to overcome the embarrassment, feeling his eyes sting a little. Very slowly, he raised his gaze.

Two had sat down beside him. He didn't have his mask on anymore, so Peter could see all the extent of the empathy in those blue eyes - but he looked so concerned that Peter wondered for a second how bad he was looking.

"Are you okay?" The man asked.

"I'm feeling better."

"But are you okay?" He raised his eyebrows a little, but still had the same kindness to his look.

"Not really." He confessed, eyes falling back to his lap. "Sorry for freaking out, out of the blue." Peter wondered if it wouldn't have been better if he actually did have a heart attack.

"Freaking out? Peter… Was this your first panic attack?" Two reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, and he automatically flinched in response, but the man didn't back away.

"I.. I guess? I don't know." He answered.

"What do you mean?"

"I have… had moments like this before. Not so intense, though - I never thought I was going to die like I did today, but… This fear, the whole freaking out situation, I guess It's happened before. I'm not sure. I don't always remember… after."

Two went silent, and, after a moment, Peter felt even more self conscious - had he said something wrong…?

"You went through… These 'freaking out' situations… Alone?" Two then said slowly, and Peter wasn't sure, but he thought he heard a hint of resentment in his voice. "No one helped you?"

"I, uh… Didn't really have anyone?" He almost whispered back. And there it was - Two would finally realize that there was no fixing the mess that was this Peter Parker." I'm sorry… Don't be mad." He added, eyes fixed on his shaky fingers.

"M-mad?!" Two exclaimed, startled. "At you? Peter… Look at me." Peter was mortifyingly embarrassed, but he raised his gaze towards the man - only to find intense blue eyes on him, lips a little twisted like he was trying to contain tears. "If I'm going to be mad at anyone, it's going to be me! I… Let me tell you, listen -" he rambled a little, trying to find the words. "Listen. You won't ever have to do that alone again, understand? I'll make sure of it. I promise you, okay?"

Peter was caught off guard by the words - he tried to organize his thoughts and say something, but Two spoke first.

"I… Owe you an apology." He paused, took a deep breath and looked back into Peter's eyes. "I think you understand that… It's really hard for me to open up, or reach out, even if it's to you or to Little Peter. That's just the way I'm wired. So I haven't been the best I can be to help you. And for that, I am truly sorry."

Peter wanted to protest - Two shouldn't be feeling sorry for Peter's helplessness.

"Tw-... Peter, you don't have to say that. Really, none of this is your responsibility…" he tried to argue.

"No, but I do need to say it." The man cut him off. "And we're way past the responsibility thing, right?" He sighed and his shoulders dropped a little, eyes low and dark like he forgot to compose himself, letting the burden his shoulders carried show through. "I have been so focused on what I have lost… That I forgot what you've lost too. You and One, both. And it's freaking terrible because you two… You… You even t-tried to take your lives. Oh my God, Peter - I am so, so sorry."

"Stop saying that!" Now he was mad at how out of place Two's words sounded. "You've helped me, you've helped both of us, I mean just look at me - I don't know what I would've done without you today!"

 Peter put his own hand on the man's shoulder, and now they were entwined in a weird looking hug - it wasn't clear who was holding on to who.

"I know, but… Just today isn't enough, Peter." He sniffled, but his voice was steadier again."I… I saw the way you and One got along and I just assumed that… Maybe that was enough, you know, if you had eachother. But I see now that I was running away from facing what you two went through. It was easier like that because I was too caught up thinking about MJ, how much I missed her, how much I wanted to just return to her and everyone who needs me back home…. But it was naive of me to think that you two didn't need me, too. And it was selfish to excuse myself from that responsibility. The people in my universe… my MJ… they don't even know who I am anymore. You two, do. You're all I have right now and I've neglected you. I won't ever fail you like this again."

Peter heard Two's speech trying to contain his eyes from watering - it was so easy to forget how much lay behind Two's eyes. The man always looked so wise, like he'd been through it all - it made Peter oversee that, deep inside, they were both the very same. He wrapped his arms around him to properly hug him, and the touch didn't feel weird or unnatural anymore. He wanted to say that he was wrong, though - Two wasn't selfish, he wasn't neglective or any of those things he kept rambling about, but knowing Two all too well , Peter knew that self judgement was part of the deal.

"Peter… You are entitled to feel all that. I mean, you have the right to focus on how much you miss your life… Me and One, you know, we don't really have anyone waiting for us, like you do. I know they forgot about you, but even so… I guess you still might feel like you need to return, even if it's just to watch over them." He felt Two sniffle in his shoulder and pull back a little so he could look into Peter's eyes. He looked strangely unarmed, wide eyes paying close attention like he was learning from Peter's words. Peter didn't feel like he had the credit to be in that position, but he kept speaking. "I know we can get caught up in our pain, being who we are… And that sometimes means we won't be able to save every one, yes, but what good are we to anyone if we're not okay ourselves?" He remembered his conversation with Peter One the other day. "Just know that this wasn't even the case - you didn't neglect me and One. You just took your time and now we're here, together. We should focus on that."

The older man's lips twisted into a contemplative smile.

"Look at you… The one who's having panic attacks is the one doing the pep talk." Two's smile grew at him, and something about his eyes made Peter believe he had all the answers, to everything. "You're so bright, Peter. I hate to see how much life has sucked out of you. You didn't deserve half of what you went through."

"Eh- Thanks, man." Peter blushed."You… Didn't deserve it either. Little Peter didn't, too."

"Speaking of the little brat, I'm thinking of skipping my shift today, and we surprise him with fresh bagels and coffee?" Two was all big eyes and dorky smile again, but Peter could still sense the burden he carried, way too heavy for any of it to be fair. Maybe it had always been there on display for everyone to see - he just didn't know where to look before. He wondered if he should say anything else - but he thought they would have a better moment for it. Or, perhaps, a great deal of better moments, since he had no clue as to when, or even if, they'd make it back to their universes.

Right now, the sun was shining high in the sky, warming their bodies from the morning cold. It would be a beautiful winter day, and Peter felt so tired from the emotional rollercoaster, that he just wanted to go home and be with his brothers.

"Day off?" He asked, trying to disentangle from the hug in the least awkward manner he could manage- and failing.

"Definitely." Two answered, also awkwardly backing off. "Let's get home to our little man. We need him to teach us how to hug like normal people."

Peter laughed - it felt a little weird after what he'd just gone through.

"Hell yeah, we do." He reached to put his mask back on, but Two stopped him with a hand to his elbow.

"Peter, wait." His stare was serious again. "Let me just… I have to tell you something. I need you to know that you're my brother, and I… I love you man. I'm sorry that I didn't say it back before. It doesn't come easy to me."

Peter chuckled awkwardly in response.

"It's okay man… There are things that we express without words, like you did today. But it's nice to hear it nevertheless. Thank you."

"Heh, yeah… You're right. Just… One more thing." Something about his tone made Peter a little nervous. "I want you to promise me never to…. Let yourself get hurt on purpose again. Like you did that day. Just… If you ever feel like you might, please let me know. Let One know, any of us. Just... please."

Peter was a little startled - especially by how pleading the man looked - so he blinked a few times before he could answer.

"Y-yeah… I promise." He then chuckled. "Little Peter told me you'd ask me that."

Two raised his eyebrows. "He did?"

"Yeah - he actually made me promise too". Peter said, putting his mask back on. "You guys are weirdly similar. One could even say you're, like, the same person."

"You should be embarrassed of that joke." Two said, but Peter could hear him laughing through his mask.

They swung back home as New York city woke up to a brand new day.