Linked

It was calming while being terribly painful, but it kept you grounded and that's all that matters. It had to be the drug withdrawals, the flashbacks have never been this bad. You've had 2 breakdowns in less than 3 hours today, it was maddening. You wish you could just open up your brain, tossing away everything and starting new. However, you knew that's not how things worked, and you were the least likely person to be granted that pleasure. 

Your dad taught you this, that's something you would never admit out loud. Not because it made him look bad, but because with every drop of blood spilled would be memories you would have to reason for. 'Never cut where people could see.' Was the best advice he's ever given you, simple but to the point. He would talk about how much it helped him when times got tough, letting you try every so often to relieve a much stronger and deeper pain. 

"I can't do it anymore dad! I wanna tell mom, maybe she can help me." His thumb came down to wipe the tears strolling down your youthful cheeks. No panic visible in his perception. 

"It's ok baby, I know how bad It hurts." Taking your hand he led you over to the shared bathroom he had with your mother. "This is what I do when I feel overwhelmed." 

He watched as your big, 12 year old eyes glided along his skin following the path of the razor. Red hot blood immediately started seeping out, dripping slowly on the counter top beneath him. 

"Stop!" You yelled knowing that blood could only mean bad. You tried taking the sharp object out of his chubby fingers but he lifted it just above your head, giving you the look that got you quiet in seconds. His eyes turned cold, mouth holding a scowl, agitated that you stopped him. 

"It's a good kind of pain, it doesn't hurt me and it won't hurt you as long as you don't want it too." 

Your throat bobbed as you took a big gulp, processing what he was telling you. "You'd be weak if you went to your mother every time you felt somber, I thought I raised a strong girl?" 

"Yes dad, you did." Lowering your head so you didn't have to make contact with his centuries old grim eyes, you nodded. 

"Look at me." You raised your head, doing the last thing you wanted to do. Make eye contact. "When you feel sad, you come in here and do what I just showed you. It'll make you feel better." 

"Ok."

"Here, let's practice." 

Taking the razor you took a much needed deep breath remembering what your father said. This was the only option, it'll help you get through this more than any talking will. You need to feel alive to know you can take it away. You need to distract your mind. It'll make you feel better

"Hey kid! Come down, it's game night!" 

Clang  

The razor slipped out of your fingers, grazing the delicate skin allowing little drops of blood to seep through to the surface. 

"Shit." You mumbled to yourself, sticking the finger that was bleeding into your mouth and sucking it clean. The adrenaline in you was the one thing keeping you one step ahead of your mind. You were picking up the razor and hiding it away before you processed what you were about to do. The 9 years that you worked hard to abandon the habit of making yourself bleed was about to get thrown out the window. 

You don't even remember what got you to become this desperate. Usually it was substances that you craved, but cutting was a different story. Dylan helped you stop the habit the first year you two met, and you swore to yourself and him that that would be the end. It only reminded you of your dad, you did it to take away the pain he brought upon you, you learned how easy it was to run away from your problems with just one swipe of the blade because of your dad. 

Shaking your head, you tried to think about the present. The absolutely dreadful present that was taking you to 'game night' with the Avengers. Throwing a hoodie over your head you made your way down to the common room, luckily not being stopped in the elevator by anyone. This would only be as bad as you make it, maybe just try and loosen up, it's the Avengers for God's sake they won't hurt you. 

"There's our girl, she's on our team!" You heard Tony roar the second the elevator doors exposed you. Putting on a smile, you decided to follow your conscience. Just try and have some fun. 

"What're we playing?" 

"Jenga, it seems trivial but trust me after a few blocks are gone it gets super competitive." Steve responded, grinning at you with his team on the other side of the table. 

"I love a good competition." You smirked moving to Tony's side. 

On your team was Tony, Nat, and Clint. While Steve had Bruce, Thor, and Darth Vader. 

"O O careful, the block on top is wobbling." 

"I got it Tony, don't rush me." You blurted out, choosing to ignore the devil on your shoulder that would have scorned you for talking back. 

"I like her more every time she opens up her mouth." Nat loudly whispered to Clint who nodded his head keeping his eyes on the tower. 

"Yup annnd.... got it!" 

"Yes! That's right, try getting any of the blocks out without the tower falling Capsicle." 

Smiling brighter than you probably should've been, Darth Vader stepped up to the table looking miserable as always. If this night couldn't get any better, all you wanted was to see all those wooden blocks fall to his feet. 

"Ha good luck Reindeer Games." Having your brain fully functioning this time you heard Tony's nickname for the guy who apparently didn't have an actual name. You pointed a confused look his way. 

"Reindeer Games?" You looked towards the people on both sides of you waiting for an answer, lost as ever. 

"Oh yeah, don't you remember when Lo-" 

"She was able to obtain silence when she was moving her piece, I would appreciate the same." Vader cut him off. 

If you weren't looking at him you wouldn't have seen the slight panic in eyes, before his cool voice changed his demeanor. It was weird, he never seemed like the type to be caught off guard or even worried, if you were thinking correctly to assume he would show such emotion through his eyes. You would've thought more into it if you weren't pissed by the fact that he was able to get a block in the row closer to the top off without even a swing of the tower. 

—------ 

"And.. Here's the lab!" Tony's voice echoed between the white walls decorated with an assortment of complex pieces of art around you. 

Bruce and Tony insisted on showing you around the tower since they were both off of work. Tony was excited as always, but you found solace standing next to Bruce through your walk arounds. He had a gentle energy radiating off of him that clutched onto your heart. For the first time since you got here, you were comfortable, which was totally unexpected because Bruce was the Hulk but you knew better than anyone that everybody's full of surprises. 

You tried brushing off the urge to tense every time Tony spoke. You had no reason to be scared of him, he's made that crystal clear. But you just were, whether it was habit or instinct. Out of everything that you needed to fix about yourself, this was close to the top of the list. You needed to loosen up around him, that was the least he deserved from you after everything he's done. Just do better. 

"Wow" you breathed out, looking around at all the technology surrounding your senses. 

You didn't have much of an interest in what was being invented after you left, or got let out, from Dylan's apartment. It had this reoccurring effect on you that made your stomach drop. To think about how far technology advanced when you were there made you shiver. You barely knew what year it was when with him, the last thing you needed to know was if people like Tony Stark invented time travel yet. 

"Pretty cool right?" Stark continued picking up a metal part and tossing it to himself. "If Bruce and I aren't in the common room, we'll most likely be here."

"I actually just advanced the programming in J.A.R.V.I.S. check it out." Bruce added, looking at Tony, who's interest instantly heightened. 

"I'll leave you guys to it, thank you again for showing me around." You laughed, turning on your heels and heading towards the elevator. 

"Of course and remember, you're always welcome down here when you need company!" They yelled out behind you, in response you only smiled and watched the two metal doors slide closed. 

Being in the company of the two was more enjoyable than you expected. You thought you were going to be walking on eggshells the whole time, but in reality it was the opposite. Which in the end was beneficial, the last thing you wanted was to make enemies. 

Eyes shooting to the number that suddenly halted, you were pushed back against the cold wall through the pure power of force coming from the jolt then stop of the elevator. The lights in each corner started to flicker, adding to the dramatic effect of the event. You pulled yourself up to your feet, rubbing the back of your head through the sharp pains the hit to the wall caused. 

You did your best to blink away the blurriness, finally being able to see the red flashing light on the screen. 

WARNING!  

ELEVATOR STOPPED

PRESS EMERGENCY BUTTON

Moving fast on your feet, you tapped the screen multiple times until you saw the bright red emergency button, immediately pressing it harder than you needed to. Ok. Ok. Everything is going to be ok, you just need to breathe. 

In through your nose and out through your mouth, in through your nose and out through your mouth

Not so surprising, being trapped in places triggers something in you. It brings back the feelings and memories of being trapped in your parents house and the penthouse, and both traumas coming together at once was a feeling you couldn't handle. It was too much, pictures of your room, the arguments with your parents, the need for Dylan's validation, it was all coming at you at once. 

Oh no, no shit 

The screams, God damn it, the screams were back. 

Sliding your back against the wall caused goosebumps to appear on your skin. You sat with your head between your legs, crouched into the smallest position you could get yourself in. You need to get out of there, now. It was all pounding down on you, the walls were acting like all your traumas. Closing in on you, slowly, and painfully until you run out of oxygen. 

It'll all be ok, just breath, just breathe. 

You wanted to get up to push the button again, yet your legs were like jelly. Only allowing the weight of your head to rest on them. You didn't know how long it had been until you felt a light shake. Though it wasn't enough to pull the strength together to lift your head up.

However the ding, and vibration of the doors opening was something worth looking at. 

But all too fast you realized that was a mistake, that irritable chivalrous face was looking directly at your weak stance body. You could kill him, actually no you would kill him. Just  making eye contact with those deep green eyes gave you goosebumps, but not in a good way. 

"Will I always find you like this?" He mocked, leaning against the elevator door with his arms crossed. His biceps were constricted in his black button up shirt, giving you a great view of his muscles that you just recently discovered. You mentally kicked your body for letting his presence make your palms sweaty. 

"The elevator stopped." Was the only explanation you gave while struggling to stand up on your unsteady feet. 

The way he looked at you was different this time then others. He didn't have that signature scowl that he always wore. The corners of his eyes were slightly wrinkled up, showing off his dimples that you badly wanted to find unattractive. You should just admit it to yourself at this point, this man was drop dead gorgeous and no one could deny it. It just bothered you how his looks were making you slightly hate him less. The look on his face was almost...proud. 

"Wait. You did this, didnt you?" Realization hit you harder than a truck. 

You would much rather take the screams than to be in this situation. Whenever you saw him, the voices in your head always subsided. Sometimes it was because of his looks, but most of the time it was because he was being a jackass like right now. 

You tried getting out of the elevator, not wanting to be kept in the small space any longer, but he cornered you in, pressing the button that lifted you two to your floor. 

"Stark's technology is highly advanced enough to not allow breakdowns of elevators. You're only lucky I was there to save you once again." He countered, his smirk never faltering. You could basically feel the satisfaction coming off of him. 

"Do you really not have anything better to do than trap girls in elevators and act as if you're the hero when the doors finally open. It might've worked on your other victims but not me." 

You visibly saw his smile falter when the words 'hero' slipped your lips, as if a whole world flashed behind his eyes. He almost looked hurt by what you said, but isn't that what you wanted? So then why did you feel bad?

He's never once cared about your feelings, he locked you in an elevator for Jesus Christ, essentially knowing that you would panic. He's made you feel bad about every interaction you've had with him, making sure to throw hurtful words at you every chance he could. 

But there was that time he helped you through one of your episodes when you were both stuck in your room. You didn't wanna comprehend the interaction enough to realize that he could’ve cared. If he didnt care he would've left like you told him too right? But he stayed, he stayed and tried calming you down, he even touched you. 

However, that didn't matter. He still chose to belittle you about it after the fact so there's no way he cared. Therefore, you shouldn't care about what he feels either, you should be happy you actually got to him. 

The elevator dinged, opening the doors of heaven to your floor. "I warned you, you were playing with fire, I stand by my words." His body swiftly moved out into the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Was the only thing you could come up with, following him and stopping outside your door. There's nowhere on this floor he could possibly go.

"I reside on this floor as well, if that's so hard to believe." He scoffed before opening the door to his right and slamming it shut, instantly hearing the turn of the lock. 

Letting your forehead hit the door, you closed your eyes and drew a breath in. You needed to recover from what just happened, and not just mentally. You needed to fix whatever happened to your body whenever he was around. The goosebumps after hearing his voice for sure needed to go. 

---------

Dinner with the team was something you were slowly starting to not despise. Once you got used to the schedule, eating breakfast mostly at separate times as everyone else, then going to the library to read actively trying to avoid Darth Vader after your brain started cursing you with less than innocent thoughts about him. You enjoyed having the routine dinner every night, it made you feel like you had some purpose which was to show up to this one event. But it was still something.

"So Lady, what job did you acquire before you started quartering with us?" Thor had forkfuls of food in his mouth, but still managed to talk through it.

Coughing, trying to recover from choking on your food, you looked at him wide eyed. The questions however were something you did not enjoy. After the first few nights you were able to answer them with basic responses that were passable, but after you started giving the short answers to every curious statement, the team kinda gave up and understood the signs you were giving them. Thor though was a different story.

"Uhh well I wo-worked at Nelson Corporations for a while."

If you had more time you would've thought of a better lie, but you panicked and this wasn't really all a lie so you could play it off a little longer than anything else. "No way!" Tony's food quite literally fell out of his mouth by how low his jaw was hanging. "You worked with Dylan Nelson? I love that guy!"

"Yeah, only for a little though nothing serious." You laughed it off, trying to brush off the spark of pain that was lighting up in your brain just from talking about him. 

"What'd you do?" 

"I was his personal assistant." You swallowed your food, hoping to be done with this conversation soon. Saying you were a bartender would've been a lot easier than this. 

"Oh, I bet you had to deal with all the girls he would bring back. I swear that man has some reputation, right Bruce?" He pointed to him with his fork.

Your stomach tightened just thinking about it. You knew more than they would probably would like to know. You've been through it, you were trapped in it everyday for 7 years. You could feel yourself going pale, and you're sure it was obvious to the rest of the group as they all looked at you concerningly. 

"Are you alright?" Steve asked, caringly ready to stand up and help in any way possible. 

"I think I'm gonna throw up." You covered your mouth, clutching onto your stomach through your thick hoodie. Running past everyone and heading towards the bathroom where all the contents of your dinner ended up in the toilet. The horrible sounds of you gagging filled the room, silent tears rolling down your cheeks. 

The creek of the door swinging open would've made you turn and look at the intruder if you weren't still actively throwing up. Hands came around your hair, gripping it behind your head to keep it out of the way. 

When you finally felt like your stomach had had enough, you took a tissue and wiped the remnants off your face. "Feeling better?" Nat's voice was soft behind you, still holding your hair back. 

"Much, thank you." You turned and smiled at her before falling onto your butt and pushing your back against the wall. 

"You don't have to tell me anything but I wanna make sure you're ok." You nodded trying to not look into her eyes. "Tony can be an ass and not know when to shut up, that mouth of his gets him into a lot of trouble." You laughed, silently thanking her for lightening the situation. 

"Are they all out there?" You cringed thinking about going back. "Yup, I had an argument with Rogers about how he can't come into the women's restroom." She winked "He's waiting outside, but all the others are still at the table. I can tell them to start cleaning up-"

"It's ok, I doubt this is the weirdest thing any of you guys have seen." 

Taking your hand she lifted you up on your feet, you thanked the lords for having mouth wash in this bathroom and headed out with her when you were ready. You were comforted by Steve the minute you walked out, and assured him you were fine, not really giving much of an explanation. 

"Hey Kid I'm sorry I overstepped-" You put a hand up cutting Tony off. "It's not your fault, you couldn't have known. I haven't really opened up to anyone about my past." You looked at him apologetically. You never promised to tell him, but they at least deserved an acknowledgment on how you're closed off. 

Nat pulled you aside a little bit later, inviting you to a girls night that her and Pepper were planning to have sometime soon, while you did feel obligated to agree to go, you knew it would be good for you. She's only been kind, you just really hope getting close to the team won’t end up hurting you even more. 

You haven't gotten tea in the middle of the night since you were little. You would either always warm up milk or make a cup of tea when you couldn't sleep, and somehow it always fixed the problem. You were planning to just walk around the floor instead of tossing and turning in bed. Truthfully, you wanted to pass by Vader's room and listen to see if you could maybe sense any sign of life through the wall. When you passed it, walking slower you were disappointed when you didn't hear anything and saw his lights turned off. What made you feel better though was the kitchen you found at the end of the corridor. Just this floor alone was huge, and that fact was made true at every turn you took. 

You brought the kettle out and placed it on the stove top, sorting through the selection of teas. Earl gray was your favorite, so it wasn't much trouble picking one after finding it. You opened every cabinet before finding where the mugs were stored. There was a selection of them, and really this wouldn't be much of a problem if your mind didn't insist on only using whatever mug you picked for the remainder of your stay.  There was one with a thick black and green line going around the mug, it was simple and didn't really call to you but something about it reminded you of-

"That one is mine." The deep voice made you jump, almost dropping the mug and letting it shatter to pieces. Turning around you saw him perched on one of the chairs reading a book. Has he been here this whole time?

"Sorry, I'll find another one." If it wasn't so late at night and if your brain didnt basically go to mush after dinner, you would've scolded yourself for saying sorry to him. 

"Would you like a cup?" You lifted his mug raising an eyebrow, making some kind of peace offering. He nodded stiffly once before his eyes returned to his book. 

You made it the same way you made yours wishing he wouldn't make a fuss about it being too sweet or how you put too much milk in. Placing the cups down, you sat in the chair next to him blowing on the top of your tea. You were looking straight ahead, out the window, choosing not to feel his eyes staring into the side of your head. He snapped his book shut, a bit dramatically, and picked up his mug. 

"I wasn't aware you wanted to be in my company." He took a sip of his drink, looking pleasantly surprised at how you made it. "What makes you say that?"

"You always seem irritated when in my presence." 

"Well yeah you annoy me, doesn't mean I don't like your company." You made eye contact with him now, feeling braver than before. He hummed in response, turning his head to look out the window as well. You could see the little ticks he did with his jaw, right above his perfectly sculpted jawline. 

"Have I not annoyed you thus far?" He asked, lifting his lips up as he took another sip.

"You haven't brought up what happened at dinner, so no you haven't." 

"Then I shall not bring up what occurred at dinner."